Hardwork twin grandchildren

Lots of good suggestions here.

On the subject of the hair I wonder if, at least in re the part and it’s straightness, your dgd might be able to articulate her own solution? Like: if part is straight - go out.
If part is not straight then —> wear scarf
If scarf not available then —> comb back with no part

Depending on what the issue is for her:sensory overload? Social anxiety? Fear of bullying? You might be able to have a set of ready to hand solutions for her to try.

Thank you, Teacheranne, that is really helpful. I know DGS is having an extra transition day and I do know that they do the laminated card system which I think will be very useful. I shall let my DD see your post.

I was a SENCO in a Secondary school for many years and supported a number of children with autism, with and without an EHCP. I put in place a few things which might help your grandchildren cope with school.

Have extra visits to the new school in Year 6 to get to know where everything is and meet key staff like Head of Year, SENCO, any support staff etc. Initial visits might be best after school when quiet.

Prepare a transition passport with the SENCO, include photos of key staff, photos of key areas such as dining room, toilet areas, assembly hall, PE changing rooms etc. Ask for a map of the school and a sample timetable so you can practice moving around for lessons.

Suggest that the children have access to a safe area where they can go when feeling stressed, together with a named adult they can go to. We gave children who needed this as little laminated card for their blazer pocket which they could show teachers when they needed to leave the classroom - without teachers commenting!

The school library can be a safe place for anxious children where they can avoid crowded areas at break times. I used to have a TA in the library at break and lunch time to chat to any of our vulnerable children, a bit like a social club.

We also had a room, manned by a TA, where vulnerable children could come before school ( we provided breakfast as well), break and lunch times where they could chat or play board games. It was also open after school for homework club.

I would expect most good schools to have this kind of provision but I hope some of these suggestions will help your daughter ask pertinent questions at meetings with the SENCO.

Finally, in my experience, it was better to apply for an EHCP in year 6 rather than wait until they get to secondary school as the new school will have to start the process of gathering information again and that can take a long time.

I think at 11 you are adding hormones into the mix , and that , and their changing bodies, is stress for "normal" kids, but add autism and things are much more difficult.

basicallygrace12, some of this sounds so familiar. DGS especially is so sensitive to smells , taste and sounds, textures. No buttons for him or scratchy clothes. I do try to understand and go with the flow which is why I posted on here rather than snap. I suppose what has surprised us is the sudden escalation though on reading around the subject is seems like 11ish the manifestations become more obvious,.

my children, now adults, are autistic. Only my daughter completed school, and they weren't diagnosed until they were adults.
I would say the things like the hair may just be what they feel they have some control over ( and can explain to themselves) it wasn't until post 16 mine were able to explain, and understand enough, the pain caused by the school uniform, by noises, smells, tastes and texture.
Secondary school is all very well, I am now a school governor, trying to make change, but they have their rules and policies, and either they make allowances which leaves the kids open to being bullied or won't make the needed allowances (some which you and your grandchildren may not even realise they need to be made).
My children were never happy, or settled until the pressure of having to conform was removed and now in their 20s manage to live a live that they can manage but i struggle to understand. (in rooms all day, sleep to their body needs not needs of a clock etc).
My cousins were both diagnosed as young children, they attended special schools etc but really as adults their lives are not much different from my children, except one still lives in a residential complex.
Its very hard as my son is an excellent musician and artist, and my daughter is skilled at woodwork and building stuff , but neither wants to make use of their skills because they can't cope with people and the outside world.
I think what I am saying is you and your daughter may have to just go with what the children can manage, they my find a school unbearable, they may, or 1 might, prefer a special school, or maybe they will just need to be supported to be themselves which may mean stepping away from what we consider normal. PS CAMHS were hopeless!

So sorry Buttonjugs, about your son’s experience at school. We are hoping that secondary school will be understanding. DD has opted for the smallish secondary school in our village and she has chatted to SENCO at open day and reports about SEN prov Ision at the school have been positive. After homeschooling at lockdown, the thought of that makes me panic as it was very hard to keep them on track. ( And I was a secondary school tea Here). Strangely enough at school so far they have been model, though very quiet, students. They hold it all in and then it all bursts out when they come home,

For DGS, DD is paying for professional counselling for him as she was only offered a parenting support group through CAHMS. I think she is going to try to press for me and to get started on his EHCL ( I don’t know if I a getting these acronyms right,). DGD is a bit further behind. School will be writing a letter to GP and DD is going to ask for a meeting with SENCO lead when they go back tomorrow. Tomorrow morning will be a nightmare as both are dreading returning to school but are usually fine when they are there.

Right now my one piece of advice would be do not put them into mainstream secondary school. I tried to get my son into a specialist school but the LHA suggested he was too bright and it would be a shame if he didn’t study for GSCE’s so in the end I was persuaded. Worst mistake ever. It only served to highlight his lack of social skills, he was isolated and teased and ended up with depression. This may be why they are so particular about their appearance, because they don’t want to stand out even more. I so wish I had homeschooled my son. The constant attempts to drag him away from his obsessions to study were horrendous and I think it damaged him. Autistic people like what they like, forcing them to conform to societal norms is harmful. Pick your battles, and there will be less meltdowns. Go into their world, don’t try to pull them into yours. My son is my world and I am very proud of him. I let him do what he wants and for the most part he is happy, and happiness is what to aim for, nothing else matters.

Total sympathy with you, My only advice re the autism is push push push for every bit of help you can get.

Oh dear Nandalot I can well understand how stressful things are for you. Do you have access to a support group or professional service which will give advice on managing these behaviours.
Is it possible for you to take some time out, maybe a night or two at your daughter's house for instance. You do need a break from time to time.

If your twins have got a definite diagnosis you need to access whatever help is available, other people are a step removed and able to see the problems more clearly.
I hope you all get some help soon.