Unwanted gifts - advise needed

Tell both you are really concerned about the volume of clothing you are having to store. When either if the ladies turn up with clothing just thank them then tell them to take them back as they will be wasted. If they are not prepared to listen to you saying you don't need any more stuff they have to deal with the consequences. Open a bank account for the baby, tell them to contribute to that instead of buying clothes. Sorry but think you need to be firm or it will go on and on.

I gave a gift for each newborn off my own bat but fairly generic stuff, baby grows, vests and such, but since then I always message the parents when buying anything, with a photo asking if they like it or not. If they say no then I don't buy it. Life's too short to get upset at what amounts to a simple difference in taste.

Buying clothes for grandchildren is fraught for grandparents.
I was asked to knit for my first grandchild. I knitted loads of jumpers and cardigans, which were well received and subsequently used for the next baby and some were passed down to DD2 ten years later. I had kept shawls and blankets that my mother had knitted and these have been used for all 3 grandchildren.
I love buying baby clothes but stick to certain brands and small businesses.
It’s true that as they grow up children develop their own taste. My 12 year old DGS will only wear black, camouflage or football shirts (preferably black). I still find it fun to buy black and football shirts for him and the shirts are expensive so he doesn’t get many.
My DD2 takes unwanted and outgrown baby clothes to a women’s refuge where they are gratefully received.
I really hope you don’t upset these new grandparents because they are only trying to be involved. Your baby doesn’t need to wear the clothes, but they were bought with love I know because that what I do.

I find the sense of entitlement astonishing in new mothers or mothers to be these days. Your children will absorb your attitudes. One day those same attitudes will come back to bite you.
Would it be so hard to learn a little diplomacy? Take photographs of the children wearing the baby clothes and find something nice to say. Then feel free to offer them to refuges.
It would actually be truthful and kinder to say that you feel guilty that your child has so much when children in refuges have nothing so you will make regular donations of clothes to the refuges and that sometimes the generous gifts you have been given will eventually go to the refuge.

I understand a well intentioned present, especially when babies are involved

It becomes a non so well intentioned one when it gives more work to the parents, work they did not ask for or for items they do not even need.

If new parents have to sort through clothes, drop items in donations, .... take pics, send them to recipients - it gets old fast.

It is important for both parties to know what is expected for the grandparent-parent relationship, to avoid misunderstandings

Babies grow out of clothes very quickly, you'll be able to 'legitimately' give them away quickly. Although I understand it doesn't 'sit right' with you to do the photo, you could do photo's in black & white, then the colours won't show up and you too could display them without 'assaulting' your eyes!
Maybe you could use the previous suggestions of "too many clothes now" and suggest they 'add' to the educational account you've opened for her as university fees will probably be off the scale by the time they are needed!

I would say thank you and just keep what you like.
Perhaps donate the rest to social services to help a teenage mum or a poor family

I agree with GrandtanteJE65

Perhaps send them details of the brands/shops you prefer, and the colours you like. Point out that young babies just don't need mountains of clothes, they grow too quickly. Suggest they buy nappies (of your choice) in various sizes, and water soluble baby wipes - in bulk!

Say that you will keep some of the baby items they've already bought but others will be donated to a Ukrainian (or other) charity so that more needy families can benefit from their generosity.

You really do need to make them understand your preferences on this matter or they will continue to buy unsuitable clothes and gifts for your child until they are an adult! It could save them money too as they will know where to shop and perhaps buy one or two stylish items rather than lots of cheaper things that you will never use.

Well I’m a mum and a nanna to grandkids and I remember my family buying stuff for my boys and I like you through were old fashioned and when my grandkids were due I asked my sons and daughter inlaws what they needed. Yes I bought stuff for my grandkids and too be honest mine could have said save your money etc lol but as a grandparent you get so caught up every time you see something you buy you can’t stop yourself. But you going have to be straight and say mum mum inlaw we don’t need clothes etc but we do need etc and if you get too much give them to charity or someone who wants them. I’m sure I’ve bought stuff mine never liked but they never said just took and said thanks lol enjoy and don’t worry about it.

I think you are being really kind. Certainly you can do some good with all these unwanted clothes so do make sure they go somewhere where they are really needed. We always bought a large item, pram, cot etc and left any clothes buying until baby arrived so we could have a look at him or her, that is for the GC. I was presented with a beautiful layette made by my mother and small dresses made by a lady over the road who had worked for a couturiers when I had first DD, bit difficult to argue with that!!

I buy clothes for my grandchildren from Next! How rude and ungrateful of your DIL

Congratulations. Luckily I have similar tastes to my daughter and she has loved the clothes I have bought for my grandson. If she didn't like them she would tell me. It would be easier to say to say that you have a way you want to dress your child. You are grateful that they want to buy presents for her but it would be easier to send a gift card or bank transfer as kids grow so fast. I wouldn't be offended if my daughter said it to me.

I don't think it is that new moms don't want second hand clothes, it is more that they want to buy them themselves

When my first grandchild was born I bought the nursery furniture which was well received. Also from time to time I bought items of clothing. Nowadays it's a cheque for Christmas and birthdays which suits us all.

I think that you have to be quite abrupt and to the point and say thank you but enough is enough or maybe take her shopping with you and make it very obvious if she picks up something in her taste , that no child of yours would be allowed to wear such a thing !
You have to realise that the gifts that are coming from a place of love.
If she realises that your child is never seen wearing her choice, she may get the message, but will be hurt and that could cause problems along the way,
I thought I was being helpful when my brother and SiL had twins. I used to buy clothes for them from budget shops, that SiL didn't mind, along with nearly new sales and jumble sales - most of which still had the tags on!
I was at their second birthday party and had gifted clothes and a friend of the SiL was inspecting them all over and had found one top that had a hole in the seam (that I had actually bought from Next) and loudly made a fuss, saying she wouldn't put her child in anything that wasn't perfect - SiL very loudly said "oh that's from my SiL , she is always buying cheap stuff from jumble sales for them !" I stopped buying clothes from then on.

I have to put my hand up - I was guilty of this when my daughter was pregnant with my first grandchild.
She dealt with it by explaining that they were thrilled too and wanted the excitement of buying things for their baby. OK - it smarted a bit, though I never told them that. It made me realise that I had to rein things in and consult with them.
All the very best to you for the future.

Assuming you have room, just say thank you and keep what you don’t like or don’t use until they’re outgrown anyway, when you can pass them to a friend or to the charity shop.

However you may find you need more than you imagine - sick, dribble and poonamis are often common in the early weeks and months, and you may find you prefer to let un-favourite things get puked and poohed on, rather than things you like.
At any rate, if anything’s badly stained at least you can chuck it with a clear conscience.

ABC12, you sound like a thoughtful, caring person. Of course, your baby's dad will have an opinion on how to handle this, especially with his own mother.
I would say:
Don't set yourself up to fall. It doesn't sound like you would be pompous about it, but you could say that you are keeping things simple until your child decides for themselves!
Something like 'We know that our child is so blessed, but we hate to have so much wasted...' and ask for help with a solution.
Another useful phrase is needing clothes that are easy to look after.
I really like Grandmagrewit's post, and wonder if you could suggest something like that?
We suggested to GPs that we wanted to build a collection of toys that would last (and they have! Brio, Duplo, Lego etc) and could they help? We accepted graciously the odd daft purchase, and it was helpful. Our kids learned that shiny trendy toys don't usually last; but they were also occasionally able to join in with whatever the latest playground trend was.
You sound tactful, so you won't be using phrases that upset people or come back to haunt you like 'rubbish' or 'plastic tat'.

I also said that in such an uncertain world, savings could be very useful - and indeed they were. This doesn't disrespect the GPs but reminds them of the very real legacy they can leave.

As for the message sent by the 'single photo', well it could be that being kind to people is always a good idea.

I hope you have enough ideas to formulate a kind, but helpful response.

Tell them. But, as you have here, nicely. Your Mum must have an inkling by now your taste is different from hers. Repeat this to her and tell her if she would REALLY like to give clothes, (insert your favoured brands and colours/styles etc) or money towards your choice would be appreciated. Add that - minding, outings, reading to, little craft activities etc will be wonderful when DGD is a toddler, and that baby is a person - as you say - not A DOLL. Make sure your Mum, knows you will still love and appreciate her whatever! It is just stuff after all. Similar with adaptation to MIL. Also tell them both clothing gifts are not 'needed' money wise, so to keep them to few items and not frequent gifts. Reduces the scale of the problem for you, and keeps the specialness of 'a present from' Gran for your daughter.

Congratulations!

To a certain extent both your mother and MIL are overreacting in their delight.

Don't discuss preferences and taste with them. Just say you have such stacks of baby clothes that please, please do not give you any more. No baby will be able to wear them all.

I would not mention the environmental issue either right now.

There is a slight hope that both grandmothers will realise that they have let themselves get carried away here.

And no, I don't think you sound spoiled - just uncertain how to deal with the problem.

Smile and say thank you, as you already have done, then pick out one or two things, whether you like them or not to keep and photograph the baby in once, or pop her into when you visit. Keep a couple of things you do like (or are less awful than the rest) and pack up everything else and send them to the nearest refugee centre for Ukrainian mothers and children, or to any other charity you want to support.

Don't tell the good ladies what you have done with the stuff.

If either ask, "Why have I never seen Baby in the beautiful sky-blue-pink dress I sent you?" later on when the child is actually here, you smile and say, "I honestly don't know which one you mean or where it is. You were so generous, you know." or look regretful and say, "Oh that one? It didn't fit her."

As my DH was an only child, MIL had never had a wee girl to 'dress up' and went OTT with frilly dresses, pants, nighties, handknits, etc. I had packed a bag of gender neutral warm clothes including a cream coloured snow suit (It was January) for bringing baby home from hospital, but MIL replaced the items with her own selection of frilly dress, bootees, lacy shawl. This behaviour continued when I had a 2nd DD and for years eg, Expensive pink winter Coats and party shoes & frocks. These were not given in advance but presented to the girls when she arrived for Christmas dinner. with the demand that the DDs changed into them immediately. I had of course already provided winter coats and party frocks (all parties were before Christmas).

I eventually decided to insist that these unneeded clothes & Toys, were kept at her house, where she could dress the girls however she wanted when they were there for a visit or sleep over.

Thankfully my daughter generally likes what I buy or will take it back. If either grandparents are easily offended, just donate. Or if they are watching the baby put one of their outfits on. Sounds like you're not going to see them often. Good luck

My daughter was broke just before Covid, and we called the bump the £10 baby as that was as much as we spent on anything...had bags of 2nd hand clothes going right up to 3-4. He popped out at just over 4lb, and we had great problems getting tiny baby stuff in the pandemic. Now my daughter says...'he only needs, vests, socks and pants' NOTHING else Mum' and we stick to it - he is now a very petite 2 year old.

Good luck, just tell them that you have enough clothes and you'll let them know what/when...and send a photo before charity shopping the outfit.

Good grief. I am a grandmother of 4 I have bought lots of clothes over the years - all have been accepted with thanks - and I have often seen my granddaughters wearing them. Not so much the grandsons. I get pleasure from choosing and giving. As I did when my children were small, I.m sure some were either returned or passed on. No problem. I was never rude either and always thanked people for their kindness - why upset anyone. I did take a load years ago to a sale and was surprised when all the hand knitted jumpers given by ML sold straight away - with requests for more. Why upset people just give thanks and be kind.

Prior to the arrival of my first granddaughter, I looked forward to being able to buy outfits for her and even use my long-held sewing skills to make clothes. How out of touch I was! My granddaughter soon had far more clothes than she could possibly wear before outgrowing them and many items, bought by well-meaning relatives and friends, ended up unworn and with the label still attached! In addition, much children's clothing is now very inexpensive and often picked up as an impulse buy by young mums along with the weekly supermarket shop. Unlike my generation, who often passed on, and accepted, children's clothing that still had "plenty of wear" left in it, many mums today don't want secondhand. Despite what is being said here about giving clothing to charity shops, only a small percentage is sold and much of it is exported overseas as textile waste where it often ends up in landfill. The UK is the fourth largest clothing waste producer in Europe and grandparents buying unwanted/unnecessary new clothing for grandchildren must accept some responsibility for contributing to this. Every time I see an outfit that I think would look lovely on my granddaughter, I pop the equivalent money into a savings account. I'm sure she'll appreciate having that money to spend herself in the future rather than yet another sparkly unicorn T shirt now.