Where do I draw the line..

Hithere

When they ask for help - why not follow the teach them to fish vs giving them the goods?

That was my theory in the beginning.. I wanted to offer guidance and hopefully help educate about how to manage money etc while they aren't working etc. For example, the money they are using for fuel could go to formula and nappies. I have also talked about work opportunities as well.
That is an example of how I am trying to help without being intrusive.

They may have to experience a failure for them to wise up and learn from it, sadly

Be lighthearted when offering advise. When they do something you feel is not quite right I have used the ...Oh I expect its different these days but when mine were babies I used to ..........
Also praised their parenting. So long as baby is loved, fed and comfortable and not in danger then leave them to develop their own style of parenting and just enjoy being a Grandmother. I for one can't recommend it enough. ?

If they have no money why is she not breast feeding then she wouldn't need formula. Why have they no money? This doesn't sound right and I'm not surprised you are worried. DD2 f.....t ex spent all their money (earned by her working till 38 weeks) on drugs. At 9 weeks after DGS2 was born he told her he needed his sleep and so she could sleep downstairs on the couch with the baby and 2 rescue staffies. He would clear a space in the mucky disgusting living room. She had spent the first 9 weeks in the clean bedroom with only respite when she came to ours. DH asked her to stay with us. Next day DS fiancee took her to Woman's Aid (had been violence) while I took DGS2 for a walk. She got huge amount of advice and help and lawyer's name. Day after that he came to see baby and then wanted her bank card. She said no and I ushered him out (then I was given the title "witch"). When he had gone she phoned her bank (about 8pm) cancelled cards and told them what had happened. Day after that DS and fiancee and myself escorted her home (her house - he was not on the mortgage) she bravely told him to do one - script from Woman's Aid - gave him 2 hours to leave. We went back - he was in bed - gave another 2 hours. Was finishing his washing so stood over him. He left to neighbours and we got locksmith. We then found out she was in debt due to the drug taking - a lot. She contacted Christians Against Poverty and this month - 4 years on she is debt free, has a lovely house, happy beautiful son and did it all herself (we do help practically as she is a single parent). Anyway that happened to us, hopefully it is not the same for you but when you say no money for formula and nappies - it rings a warning bell with me.

Oh my.. that would have been so hard to go through! I'm glad DD2 was strong enough to get out!
IMO.. they are just immature and didn't think it through.. they are unemployed and living on benefits and wanted to have a baby.. they didn't discuss whether it is a good time or if they had the money to support a baby. They struggled with money even before DIL fell pregnant.

Elaine1 What a ridiculous and offensive thing to say - not all women can breastfeed. And I’m sorry about your daughter, but that doesn’t seem even remotely comparable to this situation. I’m glad there’s a happy ending, but it does feel like it’s a very extreme example when the situation seems to be two pretty young people who are adjusting to parenthood under difficult circumstances.

I cannot see the relevance of Elaine1 response to this thread, but I can see that she has had a very difficult time and needed to let it all out.

So, I do hope the OP doesn't see it as if anyone is suggesting her DS and DiL's situation is so grave and serious.

Not all women can breastfeed Elaine very silly thing to state.
OP do not give them anymore handouts, they have to learn to budget. Also they need to see about going out to work and making arrangements for the baby to be looked after.

M0nica

I cannot see the relevance of Elaine1 response to this thread, but I can see that she has had a very difficult time and needed to let it all out.

So, I do hope the OP doesn't see it as if anyone is suggesting her DS and DiL's situation is so grave and serious.

I agree

My mother in law was horrified my firstborn was not wearing booties, hat and wooly cardigan when I took him to see her for the first time. She wanted me to wrap him up warmly as she had with her children. The temperature was 32C.
Please stop giving advice. It may be completely wrong, even if it worked for you.
My children slept best on their front, now we know more babies die in that position. Mine were given toast with honey, now we know never to offer honey. Advice does change and you do not know best.
It is lovely that they are coping well enough to be out and about with the baby. Your disapproval is way out of line.
Time to take a giant step back.

I know it can be hard, OP, but it really is best to keep advice until/if asked. The ‘right’ way to do so many things with babies has changed, and almost certainly will again. I dare say every set of today’s new parents will one day find that they’re dying to tell their own children how to manage their babies!

I don’t see what’s wrong with visiting friends, though. Dd and SiL visited his folks a 3 hour drive away when no. 3 was just 3 weeks old, and she was passed round umpteen family and friends for cuddles. They have always been very relaxed parents, though.

THIS IS A VERY DIFFERENT STORY NOW after your latest post obviously two very immature young people got together and have decided to create a baby without any income
What a nightmare for you
Where are they living?
I can see why you are worried about them visiting friends at night now are you concerned drink or drugs might be involved The problem is when very young I m guessing 20ish have a baby they expect to do all the things a 20 year old does and still look after a baby and we know that won’t work
Whilst I can understand you helping them, now I think there has to be much stricter guidelines You don’t mention them looking for work there is NO reason your son can’t work so be productive in that way, sit him down and help him apply for some jobs What’s his strengths, interests, etc help him write a CV be proactive in that area and accompany him to the job centre

Definitely keep an eye on the baby needing blankets and formula and if any money needs spending on those buy them but don’t give the money to them to buy at this stage hopefully if they mature later you can let go

When I first read your original post I thought you were a first time gran getting over involved now I realise you are a very concerned gran seeing a disaster waiting to happen

Good luck be stronger and firmer with them

BlueBell..

I see now I started this thread incorrectly. I should have started with why I felt concerned...
It's hard to tell a whole story on a forum.. I really appreciate your message

They live in a rental property I own. At least they won't be homeless...

It's not so much drugs or alcohol. My DILs family don't work. My son is the only one who drives so he uses his fuel being the taxi service.
When they go out, they don't realise that you need to pack in case the car breaks down or you get caught out in the rain. We live in s cooler climate and they just have a t shirt and thin pants.

Ummm yes teenagers go out in nothing at all my granddaughter makes me shiver just seeing her go out at night but these are supposedly grown people who have a little life to worry about
Glad they ve got housing may I politely ask how does your son run a car if they have no earnings between them it is SUCH an expensive commodity to have or even use ( if it’s your car)
I still would concentrate on them or at least your son (until the baby’s older) getting a job it doesn’t matter what it is to start with anything to get on the ladder and bring some money in and will give them less time on their hands to be out and about
How old are this couple ?
Do they look after the baby and your house well apart from the things that worry you
Children can be brought up very haphazardly and thrive if they are loved and wanted even if it’s not our way BUT if you feel the little one is neglected or not thriving then you will need to butt in

Funnily enough even from what you said in your first post, I got the impression that we were possibly talking about a very young couple.
Now you have explained the circumstances I can fully understand why you are so concerned.
Has your son ever worked? What did he do? I agree with the advice about encouraging him to look for work. Anything would do to bring in an income.
I’m not sure if you are in the UK but there are lots of vacancies in for example the hospitality industry, waiters, waitresses etc.
Supermarkets always seem to be looking for staff.
There is always work out there for those who are prepared to put in the effort.

Another thing, why was there such an outcry on here when somebody quite correctly queried why the mother wasn’t breastfeeding? Yes we all know that some women seem to have problems, but did this mother ever try? It would surely have been the obvious thing to do to save money knowing that neither of them worked.
The suggestion certainly didn’t warrant the howls of outrage.

They are 20 and 24 but, maturity wise, I think they are still teenagers.
My son did work but, hurt his back. He can get around but, it is uncomfortable. I still say there are jobs out there where he can sit etc, but, he's not keen.

I am trying to convince her to work as I think she has a better chance of keeping her job.

This next part is purely speculation...
I feel DIL struggles with bub. Often my son will do the nappy changing and getting up to him during the night. I think it is lack of confidence. They are more than happy to allow other family members to look after him. My DILs mum often stays overnight (because she is not able to live in her own home) and watches the baby so they can sleep. I don't think DIL has been left alone with him.
I don't know how they manage to have fuel. Im fairness, I do live in a small town so most trips would only be a 20 minutes one way..

Regarding breast feeding.. I know they were having a hard tome of a night to get him to latch.. I'm not sure if her milk waa drying up quickly.. I thought mastitus might have been a reason but, I didn't probe into it.

Is there a plan for them to look for their own accommodation?

They won't adult unless they are forced to

They want to move out but, I have highlighted that the rent will be substantially higher. If they run out of money now, how will they afford to pay more rent.

I have purchased nappies and formula and with it talked about my concerns.

I explained that I just want the best for everyone. I don't want to intrude or be supporting them financially.
I will help them find work and budget money.

Finally, I suggested we pack an emergency bag and put it in the car.
They thanked me for everything and made plans to get together to look at budgeting and agreed to start looking for work.
Moving forward, we are catching up on Saturdays to see how everything is going.

Thank you again to everyone who contributed. I was able to see the situation from all angles.

Just wanted to give an update... all parties have become quite close in the last couple of weeks.. They seem to be listening and rugging up the little man before going out and spending a little more time at home suring the evenings. I received a message from DIL thanking me for being a support person and I see the little one Wednesday afternoons. My son is on trial for an apprenticeship and is enjoying working again.

Thanks for giving update Jaydee - it's great to hear that things are going better. It takes time to learn how to be a parent, and grandparent!

My advice is to offer no advice unless asked . We have kept to that rule for 12 years so far. It is their child not yours .

Did you read the posts Floradora9?

Thanks for the update JaydeeTas I'm so glad things are turning out to be positive

JaydeeTas, I think you are doing a good job, offering assistance and guidance, but not wanting to take over. It does sound like they are immature, and DIL has no role model for good work ethic. It sounds like you will be that role model.

It is hard now when we see younger generation doing things differently than we did, but times change, and so do some child rearing theories. But the basics are the same, keep baby warm, dry , fed and away from danger.

Thank you for all your support! I am.so relieved things didn't end badly. Even the DILs Mum is communicating with me about the little man now.