My place or your place?

Possibly Bluebelle

Perhaps not nadatetube if it was rubbed in that you were in an inferior situation

I think that there must be a lot more to this story than the bit we re hearing

If I lived in an apartment with a child I would love visiting my parents if they lived beside the sea.

I'm sure they have their reasons and it's early days. As the child gets older, visits to the beach will have more appeal. I can't see a 6 month old finding any benefit yet. Their reasons may have nothing at all to do with you, so don't take it personally.

My parents, who did live further away, did the bulk of the visiting by far when we had young children.

There's a lot of emphasis on seeing the child in your post. It's not very motivating to put effort into a relationship with someone who seems to brush you aside and is only interested in your child. I'm not saying this is what you are doing, but think about whether it might come across this way.

May I ask if your son or gf have a car?

I understand that it is hard being told what to do, but sometimes you just have to go with that for a while to keep the peace. They may well change their minds in a year or so and decide that all the visiting happens at yours! It’s not all negative. My mum is often at my brother’s, and being at her grandchildren’s house means she gets to be included when they swim, go to gymnastics, play football etc. She could probably tell you where most of their friends live and she has seen first hand all of the places that they talk about. Maybe seeing the long term picture rather than getting caught up in this new imposed rule might make things a little better.

Wait till they want free childcare. Then tell them you’ll only do it at your house.

Sorry Mariana I think you’re making a big old mountain out of a molehill perhaps the baby is more settled in its own home, maybe your son doesn’t want to drive with a baby in the back, maybe he has stuff he needs to get on with maybe he just doesn’t want to be told how inferior his home is

They live in an apartment in the city and we live in a house with garden and trees by the sea in the outskirt; overall a lot cooler and more pleasant. I think it is a bit unreasonable to hold the child at home breathing car exhaust fumes on their occasional stroll outside instead of fresh clean Ocean air

You speak very lowly about their living arrangements perhaps this makes your son reluctant to come to you

Whichever reason accept it in good grace and don’t have such high expectations
You hint you are from a different culture perhaps families are more tight knit and in certain routines in yours, please don’t make this into a big thing
I used to go on a plane journey to babysit one of my children's babies not 25 miles up the road ?

Anyway I hope you drop your expectations and have a lovely grandparents life with your little one

Ultimately it’s their decision and you can’t do much about it but it’s a shame there can’t be a little more give and take on your sons part, especially as your DH has health issues & it’s not like it’s a really long way for them to travel with the baby Maybe they are extremely busy at work, have a busy social life or maybe they’re not coping too well with parenthood, maybe a daft question but do you have big or snappy dogs that might put them off bringing the baby over? Does the baby have another set of grandparents and if so are they being asked to abide by the same rules. It all seems quite rigid.

What would happen if you or your husband were to be unwell or had to give up your car for some reason. Would you then be expected to get buses, trains or taxis over to see them or just not see them at all. At the moment your son is basically saying ‘for now, if you want to see your grandchild you will have to do all the running & come over here’ I think acceptance is the key in this kind of situation otherwise you will just end up feeling resentful and stressed. Just bide your time & before you know it they could be asking if they can bring their son/daughter over for a sleepover at your house. In the meantime enjoy your visits to see them, I’d probably just slow things down a little. Hopefully in time things will settle down.

Btw, your English is perfect ……

Mariana - I’m a grandmother to 6 (2 are teenagers and 4 are 6 and under) . 99% of the time I see the little GC in their house and always at their convenience, about once in 2/3 weeks. If I haven’t heard from them, I give them a little nudge. One d.i.l. in particular needs reminding . She is an only child, very close to her Mother and I am at the bottom of the pecking order. My son ( who can be quite difficult anyway) leaves her to organise meet-ups. It was hard at first and our relationship was strained. But now, I just go with the flow, just for peace and quiet. So things are on an even keel at the moment. All the best Mariana and congratulations on becoming a Grandma (flowers)

The child!,! Do you mean your grandson. I don’t think I’ve ever referred to my grandchildren as the child. The child is a person. I hope you get to see him often and think of him a bit more than the child

What was the situation before the baby was born? Did your son visit (with or without gf) or was it mostly you travelling to their place. If he didn't come previously, he's even less likely to come with baby in tow!

When I was a child, my grandparents came to us once in two years, but we went to them about twice a year.
When my children were small, we took them to their grandparents about three times a year, they rarely came to us. We are talking of distances of about 100 miles.
When my grandchildren were small, we went to them far more than they came to us.
But mostly it was for reasons of job commitments, time available, grandparents’ health, nothing sinister.

Personally, I don’t understand your son’s attitude, but it is what it is. Just don’t drive there to visit in this heat.

I meant 'wont". And perhaps you should ask him why he won't come.
There may be a reason.

Your son may have other more important things in his to do list, saying that "he can't be bothered" is not correct

These visits - who benefits the most from them?
Certainly not the baby, he is only 6 months old

Mariana, please don't fall into the trap of assigning motives to your son ('he can't be bothered'). Unless he's said that this is the reason, you just don't know. There may be anything going on that he doesn't want to talk about, and he is not obliged to tell you everything - plus, it may be something to do with his gf. I'm not going to start coming up with scenarios, but if he has always been happy to visit before, the odds are that 'can't be bothered' is not on the list of possibles.

Mu mum assumed that I was frightened of flying because we never went on package holidays. I'm not, and never was. I have flown a lot. There was a (private) reason for not going at the time, but she told the whole family and friends that Doodle was scared of flying. When I found out I was furious, but she just shrugged, and said 'What am I supposed to do if you don't tell me? I had to assume.' IMO what she was supposed to do was MHOB, as it had nothing to do with her.

Not the same thing, I know, as this does affect you, but the point is that you don't know what's going on in other people's lives - even those of your children.

We used to be expected to be the ones to travel with our children to see my parents, as according to my mother it was "so much easier" for us to go to them... with three children in tow ?

It was a three hour journey and when our first baby was little we used to reckon she would sleep for an hour, be ok for an hour, then scream for an hour.

Like you they lived on the coast, but I'm afraid that after a few years of this we did impose a rule that they came to us.
They weren't happy but ?

nadateturbe

I don't understand why they can't come to you. I brought all my babies to visit my parents and at that time it was on public transport, 25-30 miles, with spare nappies, bottles etc.
We visited them and they visited us.
I can understand 'rules' about eating sweets or watching TV, but rules about visiting??
And son is off work looking after the baby. I would have been looking forward to visits. Such a shame.

It's not that he can't. He can't be bothered. It's different ...

welbeck

doesn't matter whether it's reasonable or not.
it's their decision and they don't need your agreement.
maybe you are thinking too much as if it is a civil case where reasonableness is relevant.
you are not the inner circle of their lives.
that's just the three of them.
if you carry on with this attitude you are riding for a fall.
sorry to be blunt, but you don't seem to accept their autonomy in the matter, indeed in everything to do with their family.
you have to fit in with them, or not at all.
they will not fit in with you.

Yes, I understand that. Just saying that being at his beck and call is not who I am (not taking for my husband here, but I know he shares the same views). Not for my son, nor for anyone else, unless they are ill or have some other huge problem going on in their lives. «you have to fit in with them, or not at all.» absolutely and I do not see it happening. And this is why I am here today. Anyway I appreciate all the input I have had enormously. Thank you all, in particular, for not sugar coating your replies and for giving me food for thought.

I don't understand why they can't come to you. I brought all my babies to visit my parents and at that time it was on public transport, 25-30 miles, with spare nappies, bottles etc.
We visited them and they visited us.
I can understand 'rules' about eating sweets or watching TV, but rules about visiting??
And son is off work looking after the baby. I would have been looking forward to visits. Such a shame.

doesn't matter whether it's reasonable or not.
it's their decision and they don't need your agreement.
maybe you are thinking too much as if it is a civil case where reasonableness is relevant.
you are not the inner circle of their lives.
that's just the three of them.
if you carry on with this attitude you are riding for a fall.
sorry to be blunt, but you don't seem to accept their autonomy in the matter, indeed in everything to do with their family.
you have to fit in with them, or not at all.
they will not fit in with you.

Your son has his pov, you have yours
He doesnt have to justify his position

He thinks his request is reasonable
You think his request is not

As a judge, you know reasonable or unreasonable is subjective, according to anybody's expectations

It is refreshing for a male to stand up amd take ownership of decisions, instead of letting the dil/mother of the child take the blame

welbeck

but you don't have to go there at all, it's not a job.
just wait until cooler weather.
don't try to guilt trip them into doing what you want, or you may lose contact.
when people become parents they often discover their hidden tiger, when it comes to putting their child first. nothing else comes near.
they won't waste time or energy trying to appease others.

Yes, I absolutely agree with you to a point. I am not guilt tripping my son, I am just trying to make him see that I do not think it is reasonable to expect his parents to always be the ones to drive over to their place to either visit the child or to babysit him (and I am thinking in terms of 'in the future here', apart from how hot, how cold, etc.). Believe me, I am not unreasonable by disposition. I am a retired judge, I was trained to see all aspects of every situation.

but you don't have to go there at all, it's not a job.
just wait until cooler weather.
don't try to guilt trip them into doing what you want, or you may lose contact.
when people become parents they often discover their hidden tiger, when it comes to putting their child first. nothing else comes near.
they won't waste time or energy trying to appease others.