Handling parenting styles of our 3 kids

I've had a few problems with one daughter - who is lenient to the point of absurdity with her kids. She seems to expect me to adopt her parenting style (and 'rules' - or lack of) so I've been told off for raising my voice or saying the dreaded 'NO!'.

Last time they stayed, I'd removed the things prone to damage/ruin (e.g. my houseplants went in the shed, my bedroom door was locked - and food items were moved out of reach. I told her that I have my own rules (in my own house) - and I'm not about to have a personality transplant any time soon - so she's welcome to visit, but on my terms!

I would be careful singling out your husbands kids and his biological grandchildren. I gathered from your post that you are far more partial toward your own biological children. That is going to show in big ways during your “rules” conversation and will most likely end in hurt feelings and family feud. It sounds like these aren’t you “bonus” kids and grandkids but more of a burden and that is how they will most likely receive this type of criticism/rules. I would discuss with your husband an alternative solution such as everyone (including your own child’s family) get hotel rooms. I am not suggesting that you don’t have a right to have rules in your home but rather saying this is delicate and tricky territory and I would tread as such.

My mum always said "when you get your own place you can do as you please" so that is exactly what I do.

My house, my rules; it's something I'm a stickler about.

Its ok to establish some rules for your home. Like screaming is for outside, running is for outside, children get the paper plates....

But avoid telling the parents how to parent. You can ask them to help enforce your house rules of course. But avoid saying things like " you need to blah blah blah with your children...." You're family may not return for visits if you start telling them what they should be doing with their own kids.

Also remember, next year they'll be older and things might not be as crazy.

Jellyroll123

Our first grandchild has arrived and I’m wondering what the etiquette is as regards holding the baby .
Do we wait to be invited to hold the baby or do we ask if we can have a cuddle?
Whilst I have had 4 of my own children everything surrounding the arrival of this baby has been completely different to how things were when I had mine.

Wait to be asked I'd say.Be prepared to listen and learn. As you say things are completely different.
Watch out for Baby-led weaning and fight the urge to shout "She'll choke on that!"
I always think it's funny when mine were little all the older women told me what I should be doing, now I'm older it's the younger ones!

Our first grandchild has arrived and I’m wondering what the etiquette is as regards holding the baby .
Do we wait to be invited to hold the baby or do we ask if we can have a cuddle?
Whilst I have had 4 of my own children everything surrounding the arrival of this baby has been completely different to how things were when I had mine.

No, summerlove, you are not the only one

Perhaps I was the only saucy child whose parents said this then. Although my friends also heard the same from their parents

I also dislike “you’ll understand when you’re a parent”. It’s very invalidating

Chewbacca

^when you’re the parent you’ll make the rules”?^

I've never heard anyone say that. I have heard "When you're a parent yourself, you'll understand." Is that the same thing?

I have heard the phrase said Chewbacca but I don't like it.

I don't think the "you'll understand" phrase is the same really - in my experience that is more about understanding that as a parent one never stops worrying about one's offspring, however old they are!

when you’re the parent you’ll make the rules”?

I've never heard anyone say that. I have heard "When you're a parent yourself, you'll understand." Is that the same thing?

My mum thought Dr Spock was the bees knees !
So did I!
“Don't be afraid to trust your own common sense.”
And his insistence that parents should show love and affection to their children rather than constant strict discipline

DD bought a book by one of those know-all Nannies - it was so prescriptive and caused her so much stress because DGS was not a text-book baby that I advised her to bin it!

Summerlove

I wonder how much of the generational differences are from being told “when you’re the parent you’ll make the rules”?

No idea but I don't think much really! I never ever said that to my kids nor did my parents to me.

I think each generation has "Parenting Fashions" often led by a few "expert" books! My mum thought Dr Spock was the bees knees ! ( and that phrase was one of hers - what on earth is so special about "bees knees"?!!!)

I wonder how much of the generational differences are from being told “when you’re the parent you’ll make the rules”?

Glorianny

I thought my 3 were good when we visited my parents. I've only lately found out some of the things they used to do when they were put to bed. And what my dad used to let them do when my mum and I went shopping!

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Ah yes Glorianny I agree re positive approaches, rather than lists of rules, work best. At the same time I can see that maybe the parents need to be clear about any expectations in the OPS scenario.

I thought my 3 were good when we visited my parents. I've only lately found out some of the things they used to do when they were put to bed. And what my dad used to let them do when my mum and I went shopping!

Our 4 were mostly little angels at school and when visiting. Very different at home when they relaxed. A couple of them were right little so and sos . Our grandchildren are all pretty well behaved in comparison. I don’t even remember having to tell any of them off at all. Mind you, the eldest is 27 so maybe I just have a memory issue! None of them ever jumped on sofas but we do have a fairly big house so they would just run around and out to the top decking so plenty of places.

Madgran77

Glorianny cuddles and laughter and hugs are great. And as you say anything that causes damage to things or people not being allowed is also OK. Which I think is the problem for CanadianNonna because it appears that damage to her things and her home are considered ok by the vising parents!

Yes but I don't suppose laying down a set of rules about what is forbidden will help that. I always prefer to go for the positive option. For example the eating anywhere. I wouldn't say anything to the parents, but if I found a child eating somewhere I didn't want them to, I would sweep them up and deposit them and their food where I wanted them to be, with a kiss and something like "Granny likes everyone to eat in the kitchen". I find positive feedback works best. The same with please and thank yous, use them yourself and praise the child when they use them. It's surprising how behaviour can change. In no time a child will tell an adult off for not doing things properly.
By pass the parents and work on the children but make sure it's positive and good fun.

Glorianny cuddles and laughter and hugs are great. And as you say anything that causes damage to things or people not being allowed is also OK. Which I think is the problem for CanadianNonna because it appears that damage to her things and her home are considered ok by the vising parents!

Because I have a lot to do with my grandchildren, I do tell them off if they’re naughty, but don’t feel it’s my place to punish them, for example I’d like to go outside, and take a sledgehammer to all of my grandsons electronics, but I can’t
I would like to impose actual bedtime routines, I sometimes suggest they would be better going to bed at a set time but I can’t impose it.
I could go on, but the interest is of family harmony, I have to let it go.
Generally they are good children, and I enjoy having them around, but they are careless of things, and they’re so lazy, never pick up after themselves.
I definitely think I should have laid down some ground rules, but I’m not sure anyone would have taken any notice.

I think CanadianNonna is struggling with the Screaming, crying, throwing tantrums and destroying our home by damaging the floor by bringing rocks into the home; putting rocks in their beds; throwing toys and damaging the floors and lying down on the kitchen floor while she's trying to make dinner.

I don't think that I could just relax and enjoy their company living with that either to be fair.

I think most people are simply saying no damage to people or things.
That is just common sense.

I think that children adapt very quickly to the idea that different environments have different rules. My own children understood that Granny's house meant two biscuits instead of the one allowed at home as soon as they could toddle. So yes they can understand very rapidly.

Oh whatever happened to having fun with GCs.? I have very few rules in my house, anything which might cause damage to people or things is stopped but otherwise most things are permitted. Lots of hugs and cuddles and play. 3 & 4 year olds have temper tantrums, it's normal, it's a stage, they grow out of it.
I do wonder do you really want the GCs there or are you doing it because of some sense of duty? Why not just relax a bit and enjoy them? The thing I like best about having GCs is that Im not the one responsible for their bad behaviour and disciplining them, that's their mum and dad's job. I 'm free to have fun with them.

On a slightly different track but linked to " restricting their activities" I read in the news today that a children's nursery for under 5's has been downgraded in an Inspection because " children's personal space was not respected when carers wiped children's noses whilst standing behind them, and looking down the back of nappies to see if they needed to be changed".
I sometimes feel as if I must be living in a different world altogether. I would see the point if the downgrade was because no one wiped runny noses or checked whether nappies needed changed. Are we seriously asking the permission of 2 year olds before we wipe snotty noses or check nappies? And where do we go when they fail to provide permission?
Honestly.