Handling parenting styles of our 3 kids

sounds reasonable to me.
the only suggestion is that they either bring their own favourite plate, or take it in turns to have first choice on the available plates.
so they have some power of choice, but it is limited.
food to be eaten in one area also reasonable.
i sympathise with you. i couldn't stand all that mayhem for days on end.
good luck.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me too CanadianNonna, the rules will apply to all the children and as you say, the decision whether or not to come is there's.

FWIW I think you've done well to put up with it at all. I'm pretty certain I'd have had words on day one.

their's

From my point of view, these rules are reasonable, but I doubt the parents will agree. However, by next year the children will be a year older and their parents might just have reviewed their ideas.

Send your ground rules by all means, but please discuss now with your husband what you both feel the outcome should be if the two sets of parents are deeply offended when you do so.

Make sure they realise their father is on board with your proposed solution.

I would buy 5 identical, unbreakable, cheap plates, soup-plates and mugs for the children and set the table with these. if the whole family is coming.

The children either eat and drink from these plates and mugs, or leave the table, but no substituting a different plate.

In your place I would concentrate on food being eaten at the table as served, and not make rules about toys being played with on carpets only, if you live in a house. In a flat with downstairs neighbours, obviously the rule about not playing with toy cars or bricks on the uncarpeted floor is wise.

Keep it simple - your home, your rules apply.

Remember it is not (usually) the children's fault that they misbehave and do not listen when corrected. So their parents need to be the ones who are told the rules for your home and correct their children when necessary.

I wanted to! It’s sensitive as my husband gets defensive about his kids the plus is he can see the issue and it’s hard not to when our local grandee is there because the contrast is so obvious - so at least we can deal with it before next year
our steps see it as well

i have some compassion - one step DIL ais overcompensating for her neglectful childhood and her kids are insecure and clingy. they have never had a babysitter and they have no life
the kids have never been to a restaurant so when i took the oldest also 4 and our local 4 year old our for breakfasts she wouldn’t eat anything because it all looks different - even toast! we still had fun and a good first experience
my step son is too harsh and she is too soft so it makes the kids insecure
i think they would

It sounds horrendous, I admire your patience. I would have found it very difficult to put up with such behaviour. I agree with an earlier post, it might make things worse or end alienating your stepfamily. Would it be easier if you visited them next time? It would still be frustrating but at least they would be damaging their house and not yours! You could stay in a nearby hotel so when you've had enough you can calmly go back to it.

end up.

Our two AC's youngsters have quite different parenting styles regarding mealtimes., which seem to work for them. One set are quite strict and "please may I leave the table" types. The others are "dinner's ready" and they eat it where and when they want to. Both are happy with this.
At our house though it's Our Rules! Dinner for 10 is at the table and we eat together. Although more formal at least it's fun to chat all together at least once a day.

Sounds like a daunting visit. However, be cautious making rules for other people's children. That could begin a reason to estrange.

I’m just recovering from having DD and family+ dog staying for 4 days . The two children 10 and 6 are lovely but extremely lively . I am just washing the sofas loose covers as somehow the 6 year old old managed to get red lipstick over them . They won’t eat the same food so that drives me mad .I was exasperated with my DD when she gave 6 year old DGS a doorstep honey sandwich half an hour before a roast chicken dinner . He said he was hungry and DD obliged even though I said that dinner was nearly ready . He ate very little dinner then, but needed more food at bedtime! DD had them late aged 38 and 42 and they just rule the roost .Breast fed until 3 years old ! She has never listened to me even before she had them even worse now. SiL doesn’t help as he is just the same. Dog is also spoilt silly. I love them all dearly but am totally exhausted. I’m going away with them for a week ,but at least it’s not at my place and I may have a “headache”or two and retire to my room !

I'd not mention the lack of restaurant visits. I'd not have taken small children to restaurants either, considering covid and ages. I don't find that "harsh" but perhaps you weren't referencing lack of restaurant visits with harsh.

That all sounds reasonable and acceptable to me but I do think you should explain why you are putting these conditions in place.........explain how the floor got damaged and how unpleasant it is to witness a meltdown over a dinner plate. Otherwise, go for it, your house, your rules.

Rather than remove them, can’t you involve or distract so that they are less likely to tantrum? Tantrums are signs that they’re having a hard time, rather than giving you a hard time. Their brains aren’t as developed as an adult’s and the whole removal thing just sounds like a tantrum in someone who’s old enough to know better.

SusieB50 you do realise that breastfeeding until 3 is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, right??

As a parent, I wouldn't like to be told how to parent my kids when I visit family.

Honestly, 5 days so many people together -issues will come up and conflict is going to happen

While your rules make sense - they do in a daycare or school environment, not for a family visit

Please feel free to send the list of rules "my home my rules"
Also be ready for them to make a choice whether they visit or not

CanadianNonna

I wanted to! It’s sensitive as my husband gets defensive about his kids the plus is he can see the issue and it’s hard not to when our local grandee is there because the contrast is so obvious - so at least we can deal with it before next year
our steps see it as well

i have some compassion - one step DIL ais overcompensating for her neglectful childhood and her kids are insecure and clingy. they have never had a babysitter and they have no life
the kids have never been to a restaurant so when i took the oldest also 4 and our local 4 year old our for breakfasts she wouldn’t eat anything because it all looks different - even toast! we still had fun and a good first experience
my step son is too harsh and she is too soft so it makes the kids insecure
i think they would

I don't think kids need to eat at restaurants. I'm one of five and we NEVER did because our parents couldn't afford that sort of thing (we weren't poor), but we did learn how to behave at the table at home.

To put that another way, if kids don't learn proper and acceptable behaviour at home, where will they learn it?

SusieB50 Breastfeeding till 3 is, as Papermonster says, "normal". My children self-weaned, three of them were 3+ two were 2+ - they don't cling to the nipple a day you know! ? Four of my seven grandchildren were 3+ too (one was bottle-fed, one still under 3).

Regarding my step son is too harsh and she is too soft so it makes the kids insecure - maybe they are simply compensating for each other CanadianNonna. What makes you think that this makes the children insecure? Are they insecure? Saying it doesn't mean it's true - don't forget they are not at home and out of their "normal" life. Your "local" family is not.

My naughty younger GC accepted that in our house the rules were few but simple - food and drink at the table only, likewise crayons and felt pens. As DGD2 observed to her brother on getting out of the car, “remember P, it’s Granny’s rules now”. It never posed a problem.

As others have said, "your house; your rules". Kids can and will learn that. Good luck.

I am pretty sure I would have laid down some rules during this recent visit, if damage was being done to my home. Issuing rules by letter/ email will not go down well, I fear, but I understand why you want to pre-empt trouble next year. Maybe some conversation in advance, so a compromise can be reached?

I used to get annoyed and stressed by son and dil and how their children behaved- they live in another country where parenting styles are different. It was a bit like OP describes - tantrums, eating in living room, bedroom etc. Due to Covid they couldn’t visit for 1 1/2 years and meanwhile got a bit older and had more sense.

On a recent visit, I decided to interfere as little as possible- provided basic food but let parents decide what to feed their children and didn’t expect all to sit together though in fact we did have some nice family meals.. We also went away for a few days while they were here and let them have our house to themselves.

We have other children and grandchildren - great to get all family together but best to keep short 1 or 2 days or things get fraught!

It all sounds fine to me CanadianNonna; I wouldn't want my home getting trashed either. Visitors, including family, should respect other people's homes and make sure that, as far as possible, their children do too.
Hithere if As a parent, I wouldn't like to be told how to parent my kids when I visit family it might be best for everyone if you stayed at a hotel; that way everyone can relax, not have to worry that homes are getting wrecked and relationships damaged by resentment.

Chewbacca

If only staying at hotel was acceptable in my family
They thought having time to decompress was betraying them and the family visit - what was the point in visiting if we were not 24/7 together?