Are we being unreasonable?

I am a registered childminder, childcare is not cheap so you are providing a service although obviously it's your gc.
We live in the city but I take my children into the community everyday. It's important for their development, meeting people, seeing nature, workmen, plus attending library groups, city farms, etc.
If the child was with me I wouldn't take a child on if parents requested that we weren't to go out.
My parents appreciate all of our days out & the experiences that their children get.
I'm sorry but I think the child's parents in this case are perhaps rather misguided as to the needs of their child. As people say, it's their call but unreasonable to expect the op to abide by this

Ask them what would happen if you needed to take GS to a doctor for a condition that would not warrant an ambulance

Sorry but this is totally unacceptable you are doing them a HUGE favour - the childcare you provide will be a massive help to the couple.

They will have to take him out some time to playgroup or school I imagine! If it is safety when he is with yourself and your husband in the car, I would be tempted to point out that, statistically speaking, it is far more likely for a younger driver to cause an accident than an older one, although I would think your DS and his GF are extremely careful with their precious cargo! If it is other drivers, then it is just as likely to happen to them! If they do not trust you to take him out even on foot, I myself would be vastly insulted and quite cross! Also it’s your car! Difficult one, let’s hope good sense, reason and LOVE can prevail in your discussion. As it is, does rather smack of ‘my way or the highway’ from your son and as you do so much for him, I think a little gratitude would be nice. Also you have a bond with your GS and I think to sever it is unkind to you, your DH and your GS.

In my day as a mother and in my mothers generation, no grandparents did childcare. A trip out or a treat by grandparents happened, but no regular childcare.

Things have changed but ACs maybe need to realise that they are lucky, it’s a relatively new thing, grandparents doing childcare that doesn’t need paying for.

In my day, every hour of childcare had to be paid for.

Smileless2012

So the conversation needs to be had doesn't it Norah, not in the next few weeks but now so everyone knows where they stand.

I agree they need to have a conversation.

I'd not agree that it needs to be this moment.

Give emotions time to settle, to think.

Emma64 We ended up having a row over the phone and did has taken Friday off for the past 3 weeks. We haven’t had any contact apart from my son saying we need to discuss things in the next few weeks. I have know idea why this is such a big ask. Going forward they had already asked me to watch him at theres from 7-5.30 each week. They live in an isolated area and with no car seat I can’t even walk to a park or shop. Is this fair?

Fair has no bearing, they want certain things done with their child.

I would be wanting to babysit in my home, get on with my day, do housework, work in the garden, walk him in a buggy.

I wouldn't expect (nor have we done with our 8 GC, 4GGC) to shop or drive about. I have carseats, for transport in emergency. I consider driving them about a parents duty, not our duty - my plate being full.

So the conversation needs to be had doesn't it Norah, not in the next few weeks but now so everyone knows where they stand.

Talking is always key. It may be that Emma and her son and d.i.l. are unable to come to an arrangement that suits both parties, in which case alternative arrangements will have to be made for childcare on Friday's. Hopefully this wont result in little or no future contact for Emma with her son's family.

Having had contact just the once since the fallout, not being asked to have the GC since this happened and having no idea whether or not Emma' help will be asked for in the future, is understandably disconcerting. As I posted earlier, silent treatment and leaving someone hanging is very unpleasant especially when there's a child involved.

agnurse

They have the right to dictate where a caregiver may and may not take their child.

You have the right to decide whether or not you're willing to agree to that. If the answer is no, then clearly you're not going to be able to provide childcare any longer.

It's really that simple.

There it is, the answer is there.

I agree Violet - I think having an open and conciliatory conversation may help though.
And I also feel that looking to the future is important for Emma and her partner.

I think a lot of the advice will drive a wedge between this family.

I will again say that the parents can't change their feelings to suit another's idea of fairness. It doesn't work like that.

Wait until they are ready for their child to have trips out in the car.

If it is anxiety or anything else, this will be mitigated by building trust, not destroying it.

I think you may need to wait till "^the conversation^" happens. Your son has acknowledged one needs to happen. I would ask him when.

I hope you can both go to this discussion with open minds. Do not go feeling you are right and they are wrong. Please try to find common ground rather than areas of conflict- after all, both families want the best for the little one, you just currently are seeing how that should pan out, differently.

Good luck.

I agree Allsorts. The only contact Emma's had in recent weeks following a row, was when she was told by her son they need to discuss things in the next few weeks.

Why not now? She hasn't had her GC for the last 3 Fridays because her d.i.l. has taken Fridays off; is this going to be a permanent arrangement? Is Emma's help no longer required?

The silent treatment and leaving someone hanging in this way is controlling and manipulative and particularly unpleasant when contact with a GC may be at stake.

Calling the parents names is perhaps not right, VioletSky, but lots of us are questioning their judgement because it sounds like an unhealthy situation, and dismissing it as parents simply "wanting to do the best for their child" is over-simplistic.

The parents for some reason do not have confidence in the grandparents' ability to keep their toddler'safe outside the home, but the question is why, and the care-giver is perfectly entitled to ask that question.

Is it a problem specifically with the grandparents, or is there no one they would trust with his outdoor safety?
(We don't know if the child is looked after by a parent the rest of the time, or has other care-givers.)

Or is it an anxiety issue, a mental health issue? Given that dgm is trusted to look after dgs indoors, I suspect it might be.

Also, having to beg permission even to take the child you are minding out for a walk in the buggy is not 'normal'.

If it is parental anxiety, the parent(s) perhaps need to seek medical help with this for the sake of both their own well-being and that of their child. Left untreated, it could get progressively worse, and however much the parents think they have their child's best interests at heart, the reality of their decisions could actually be damaging for him.

Allsorts the replies are because we all see that the parents are being unreasonable.
But there is nothing the OP can do about it. She can talk to them but if they don’t change then she either puts up with it or tells them that she won’t look after the child.
I can’t see any posts agreeing with the parents.

I truly can't believe done if these replies, how some parents think they can coerce their parents. How anyone could say the son was being reasonable. He holds the winning card but it doesn't make it right. He had your car 18 months. That was so generous of you. He sounds very entitled and doesn't consider you are busy and juggling everything and that you are glad to but expect and deserve consideration.it's all about him.Are you expected to stay in his house and garden all day, are you not to be trusted to go a walk or do normal things. What happens if you have a problem? He has a big problem. I would find out his reasoning in all this , then decide if you can put up with it to see your gs. It's not gs fault his parents are this selfish. So I think it's not fair or unreasonable of you quite the reverse, yet you don't want to not see them and daresay in order for you have contact you will give in to their unreasonable demands. They've got you over a barrel.

Iam64
I very much agree, before the children lived here, we always had car seats, high chairs, buggies etc.
We were also lucky enough to have a room we could convert to a playroom.
My oldest daughter who lives a couple of hours away, will sometimes have a few rules about what they can and can’t do when they’re staying here, but I don’t think I could put up with it all the time.
My youngest daughter has never questioned anything, and is always grateful.

The advice that this needs a quiet, calm, face to face sit down discussion is the best way forward.

We did one day a week for 7 years till recently, when the youngest of 4 went to nursery school. We now do ‘emergencies’ and occasional holiday care. It’s been a joy but fortunately, our adult children have recognised it’s also a big ask. Long days with small children are much more tiring in our 70’s.

The ‘rules’ were - they’re in your care, you’re in charge. We bought car seats because switching the, between cars took time and effort. We bought second hand high chairs, or were given necessities like that by friends.

It’s dispiriting to see some posters simply saying ‘their child, their rules’. Grandparents are an unpaid army of free child care. The majority of loving families negotiate their way through this without falling out.

Callistemon
I think you have something there, we know a young couple whose baby was born at the start of covid, and it seems he’s hardly been out of the door, it was so long before the grandparents could see him, that there doesn’t really seem to be much of a bond.

Their reaction is way over the top, but they can’t seem to loosen up.

For my part, I sometimes mention to my daughter what I’m planning to do with the children, but I don’t always plan in advance, we live in the same house, so obviously slightly different,

Obviously their may be genuine concerns, but I don’t think you are unreasonable at all, if you were a paid child minder, the child would have to fit in with your routine.

They have the right to dictate where a caregiver may and may not take their child.

You have the right to decide whether or not you're willing to agree to that. If the answer is no, then clearly you're not going to be able to provide childcare any longer.

It's really that simple.

I don't think your wants are unreasonable but it is their child, so they're not being unreasonable to decide how they want things to be.

If the arrangements don't suit, you can say that the arrangement doesn't work for you, and not do the day of child care for them. You are not obligated to take on arrangements that don't work for you.

I hope your conversation goes well and you can work out something that works for both parties. If not, don't feel bad if you need to step away from the regular sitting.

He's only 2½ and the grandparents only look after him (possibly) for one day a week.
I doubt they'd do the housework on that day.

As a grandmother who has done a lot of childcare I’m wondering whether the child’s parents think than when the child is in your home you will be doing housework etc? Maybe they think that in their home you’ll have no choice but to concentrate totally on the child?

I would be more pissed if kid needed to go to hospital for an emergency and passes away because there is no car seat so they dont take kid