Are we being unreasonable?

Limcha

I would refrain from listening to advice that has you demand a parent justify parenting choices. That is the wrong way to go and quite disrespectful tbh.

Best way forward is for all parties to accept each others boundaries and move from there. That’s the rational response. It’s what adults do. They don’t want you taking the child out and about. You don’t want to be cooped up in the house all day. All of you seem perfectly reasonable and well within your rights. So if the arrangement cannot continue, so be it. That just means you will spend time with your grandson in non-obligatory capacity. I personally would prefer it that way.

This is exactly what I’ve been trying to say thank you! At the end of the day the choice isn’t “am I being unreasonable?” But is this a boundary I’m willing to respect for
Friday’s with my gc. If not, that’s acceptable but then you loose the time. Just as the parents seem to have decided that this boundary is important enough to make other childcare arrangements to keep. Both parties have had choices to make. For gran it’s am I willing to stay at gc house to keep Friday’s , not how do I convince the parents to change their boundary

You’re correct she didn’t say this flat out but apparently was pushy enough about wanting to have the car seat

Who did the car seat belong to?
Who had the right to sell it?
If said car seat belonged to the defendant is she within her rights to want it back again?

I would refrain from listening to advice that has you demand a parent justify parenting choices. That is the wrong way to go and quite disrespectful tbh.

Best way forward is for all parties to accept each others boundaries and move from there. That’s the rational response. It’s what adults do. They don’t want you taking the child out and about. You don’t want to be cooped up in the house all day. All of you seem perfectly reasonable and well within your rights. So if the arrangement cannot continue, so be it. That just means you will spend time with your grandson in non-obligatory capacity. I personally would prefer it that way.

Smileless2012

No she hasn't said she wont mind her GC unless she's able to take him out Grams. You should read the OP.

You’re correct she didn’t say this flat out but apparently was pushy enough about wanting to have the car seat etc that dil ended up taking off work to stay home with her child
Instead. And has continued to do so for
Three weeks. It would seem the parents felt it was an unreasonable ask and as they “had a bit of a row” it seems that gran did push back that she wanted the car seat to drive gc with and so on. Otherwise it would have been “can I have the car seat to...” “no we aren’t comfortable with that “ and that’s that. At the end of the day the a. And gc seem to be handling the child care without gran so she can either decide she’d rather spend her fridays without driving him places or say well we will have to spend time with him in other ways. The parents get the final
Say in what they wish for their child

I guess the point is, unless I’ve missed something, is that we don’t really know the reason, I think children are better out and about in the fresh air, and it would probably be a nice change to have a day at granny’s.

But maybe they have reasons, and they may be valid.

No she hasn't said she wont mind her GC unless she's able to take him out Grams. You should read the OP.

Sara1954

Yes, give and take is needed, I remember back to when my gran and mother would look after mine, I had rules about too many sweets, disregarded I’m sure, and I always came home to a tip, every toy out, meals not cleared away, I hated it, I only asked them if I was desperate, I used to have to pick them up, and take them home after, then spend the evening in a fowl mood clearing up.
But we all knew they were doing me a favour, so I had to bite my tongue.

And here is the crux of it isn’t it ? Because they disregarded your rules you only asked if you had no other choice , which is likely where op is gong to find herself if she does the same . In fact the ac seem to have already moved on to that . They found as way for mom to say with the lad that day so grandma pushing to drive them
About is no longer an issue . It’s a case of getting what you ask for I’m afraid . Gran says she won’t mind gs without being able to take him out and dive places and the ac said ok then just don’t worry about minding him. Whether gran thinks it’s reasonable s entirely irrelevant- she’s the one missing out

Oldnproud
I agree, it can take ages to get from A to B with an inquisitive toddler, but that’s alright.

Sara1954

NotSpagghetti
I’m not saying it can’t be done, but it’s still a long day with a toddler.
We lived in a very rural situation for about ten years when our oldest children were little, we had plenty of outdoor space, but I would still take them out for a long walk if we were at home all day.

Me too, and I do it now with the dgc.
A walk turned into a simple 'treasure' hunt, looking for snail shells, an animal footprint in mud, a red car etc. keeps us all occupied and stimulated for ages. It doesnt really work more than once in the garden.

NotSpagghetti
I’m not saying it can’t be done, but it’s still a long day with a toddler.
We lived in a very rural situation for about ten years when our oldest children were little, we had plenty of outdoor space, but I would still take them out for a long walk if we were at home all day.

You say I wouldn’t want to spend all day in the garden

- but she wouldn't need to Sara - the OP isn't having to choose between being inside or outside all day, obviously.
She can be inside/outside as she chooses.
It's only ONE day a week. Plenty of people don't drive, have no public transport and are "isolated". Surely there must be plenty to do one day a week.

Many of us were in that situation for years. Lots of rural families are still regularly in their home and garden.

Yes, give and take is needed, I remember back to when my gran and mother would look after mine, I had rules about too many sweets, disregarded I’m sure, and I always came home to a tip, every toy out, meals not cleared away, I hated it, I only asked them if I was desperate, I used to have to pick them up, and take them home after, then spend the evening in a fowl mood clearing up.
But we all knew they were doing me a favour, so I had to bite my tongue.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grams2five

Fleurpepper

All relationships require give and take, and mutual respect, and honesty. Grandparents who are willing and able to help should be made to feel valued and respected. And vice versa. I hear so mayn stories from friends that indicate they are totally being taken for granted and made to follow lists of 'rules' to the letter and more or less blackmailed on the matter. Too far!

It’s not blackmail though to simply say “if you want to spend the day with our child, or if you’re willing to spend the day with our child, these are our rules”. When the op wouldn’t agree to their rules they seem to have found a new arrangement ( it says dil has stayed home that day these past three weeks). It’s not blackmail to have certain boundaries in regard to their child, who watches him, and what he’s able to do with said person. It being a relative makes those boundaries often harder to instill but they’re just as reasonable as saying to a non related care provider “these are the rules we wish to enforce in regard to our child” and then the care giver can simply choose to accept as is , or say that doesn’t work for them and the parents make a different arrangement. It doesn’t become blackmail just because they’re related - grandma is not OWED the day with her young grandson, and before anyone says “but she’s doing them a favor” - it would seem that the “favor”
Comes with strings of doing it grandmas way and they are declining - which they’re entitled to do.

Never said it was. I said all relationships need to have give and take, honesty and trust.

The 'blackmail' bit, as I have seen with friends who look after their grandchildren on a regular basis, is the 'ah if you are not prepared to follow our massive list of rules to the letter, without discussion, give or take- then you won't be seeing much of us, or the grandchildren'- thus forcing GPs to accept any conditions, or else.

NotSpaghetti
Yes, I’m sure you are right, there is most likely a garden, but although I do spend time in the garden, and we have quite a lot of outdoor things to play with, I wouldn’t want to spend all day there.

I'm not sure that I've read that the toddler must be kept inside Sara1954 - I'm afraid I assumed there was a garden as the property is "isolated"?

Agree with Sara1954 who suggests it's good for children to get out and about for part of the day. If they were being looked after at home full time by a parent, it's very likely there would be a need to go shopping or do other errands and the child/children would be just brought with them, whether in car or walking.

I agree that whoever is looking after the children should go along with parent's wishes, as far as possible- fortunately when I do a bit of occasional childcare for grandchildren, the parents are very happy for me to take them out.

I cannot spend a whole day inside with my grandchildren whatever the weather, we always get out for part of the day.
My youngest, who is now the only one I have in term time, is completely full on, wanting you to play with her all day, so we have a few favourite places to go to, but I see nothing wrong at all in taking her into town or to the supermarket.
I too work four days a week, and sometimes other things need to be done.
I don’t think it’s beneficial for children to think every hour of the day should be tailored around their needs.

Even 25-35 years ago when my own kids were little we often hired a sitter for the day most certainly looked after my children in my home and didn’t drive them around. My own adult daughter did a fair amount of part time nanny jobs in college, one to two days a week in the child’s home , not driving them around . Daycare facilities no , but plenty of child care workers do in home care and stay at home! And si ce the dil has opted to stay home instead on the day op had her gc it tells me they’re not nearly as worried about needing this care as she is about loosing the day with her grand

It being a relative makes those boundaries often harder to instill but they’re just as reasonable as saying to a non related care provider “these are the rules we wish to enforce in regard to our child” and then the care giver can simply choose to accept as is , or say that doesn’t work for them and the parents make a different arrangement.

I don't know any professional childminder who would agree to those "rules" and regularly keep a child of 30 months at home for up to ten and a half hours on their own.

Fleurpepper

All relationships require give and take, and mutual respect, and honesty. Grandparents who are willing and able to help should be made to feel valued and respected. And vice versa. I hear so mayn stories from friends that indicate they are totally being taken for granted and made to follow lists of 'rules' to the letter and more or less blackmailed on the matter. Too far!

It’s not blackmail though to simply say “if you want to spend the day with our child, or if you’re willing to spend the day with our child, these are our rules”. When the op wouldn’t agree to their rules they seem to have found a new arrangement ( it says dil has stayed home that day these past three weeks). It’s not blackmail to have certain boundaries in regard to their child, who watches him, and what he’s able to do with said person. It being a relative makes those boundaries often harder to instill but they’re just as reasonable as saying to a non related care provider “these are the rules we wish to enforce in regard to our child” and then the care giver can simply choose to accept as is , or say that doesn’t work for them and the parents make a different arrangement. It doesn’t become blackmail just because they’re related - grandma is not OWED the day with her young grandson, and before anyone says “but she’s doing them a favor” - it would seem that the “favor”
Comes with strings of doing it grandmas way and they are declining - which they’re entitled to do.

As regards toddlers running off, there are these things called reins - often attached to a toddler-sized backpack nowadays - for this very purpose.

So having a car seat and take kids in the car for errands while grandparents are babysitting is now apparently needed for the child's development and learning experience and the implication the child is worse off if not allowed.....

Has anyone said that?

Hithere

So having a car seat and take kids in the car for errands while grandparents are babysitting is now apparently needed for the child's development and learning experience and the implication the child is worse off if not allowed.....

Uff, where to start ...

Please do not tell this to the parents, I assure you it is not going to sit well
It will backfire big time

I certainly didn't want my small children out on errands, in shops. I don't imagine with covid my GGC parents have their children out any more than necessary either. School, walks, playing in the house and garden is surely enough?

Oldnproud

Lathyrus
There wasn’t any trouble really until she said she wanted to take him in the car.

I don't really agree - prior to the car issues, the OP, in her own words, "always had to ask permission even to go for a walk."
That is an unusual and extremely restrictive thing to demand of someone who is looking after a child in their own home from 7am to 5.30pm, whether a grandparent or a paid childminder.

Give that the OP still works four days a week, I doubt if we are talking about a very old grandparent here, either, and I find the statement that she / most people would need at least a refresher course after not driving for 18 months slightly silly.

The trouble is, none of us have no way of knowing if the parents have genuine and justifiable reasons for their decisions.

'The discussion' needs to take place. It might solve nothing, but nor will avoiding it.

The thing is whether op or any of us agree or not the parents have a “justified “ reason for saying they don’t want their child out and about with anyone - they are the parents. Full stop. They don’t need to justify every decision they make as parents to anyone else’s liking or explain it, or get approval. They have said they do not want op driving with their child in the car. Op can choose to honor that request , or say that given that situation she isn’t able to keep her grandson on Friday’s - that is the part in her control. Perhaps they reconsider , maybe they don’t - but the choice is up to them. It is after all, their young son.