Are we being unreasonable?

I was wary (years ago) of one of my really good friends driving and hated him giving my children lifts. I would go way out of my way to try to circumvent it. If he had wanted to collect my children to play at his house with his children I nearly always had a great excuse to be "driving that way" just at the right moment!

It's not only grandparents - some much younger drivers were/are a menace on the road!

Hithere

If The OP here has a questionable driving history, I doubt she would include it in her writing

Those observations usually come from others viewing the situation outside in, not the other way around

My father and mother claim they are safe drivers, I beg to differ

This is exactly what was going through my mind!

I would never ever allow my parents, God rest them, to drive my children anywhere! Nowadays I wont allow my DH to drive my grandchildren anywhere (to the great relief of my son)!

OP, I would accept their conditions if you want to babysit on Fridays. Dont allow this situation to drag on and drive a wedge between you. Look on the bright side:- their house, their energy bill, their mess, their food! You can go home to a nice tidy house and collapse in front of the telly!

Good luck I hope it works out x

Madgran77

Farmor15

"Similar to 'what happens at GP stays at GP' - teaching children to keep secrets sets the stage for a future abusive person."

I don't know anyone who would say that to GC. Some here say "Grandma's house, Grandma's rules" which usually mean that they are stricter with GC than the parents are - eg sitting at table for meals.

I have to say that I have actually met and observed two grandparents who regularly say that to their 5-year-old grandson! They all sit there and giggle with each other about it!!

So it does happen, but none of us can know how often - anecdotal "evidence" is not a measure of frequency or commonality or common practice and as I have said many times GPs (and parents) are not an amorphous mass!

Of course it happens. Naturally we don't know how often.

Of course people say "don't tell we had choco buttons, stayed up too late, did whatever DS expressly forbid."

It's a play on a slogan.

"What Happens Here, Stays Here -- is a slogan and advertising campaign for the city of Las Vegas, Nevada."

Putting a foot wrong -- leads the way to whinging GP.

Farmor15

^"Similar to 'what happens at GP stays at GP' - teaching children to keep secrets sets the stage for a future abusive person."^

I don't know anyone who would say that to GC. Some here say "Grandma's house, Grandma's rules" which usually mean that they are stricter with GC than the parents are - eg sitting at table for meals.

I have to say that I have actually met and observed two grandparents who regularly say that to their 5-year-old grandson! They all sit there and giggle with each other about it!!

So it does happen, but none of us can know how often - anecdotal "evidence" is not a measure of frequency or commonality or common practice and as I have said many times GPs (and parents) are not an amorphous mass!

Farmor15

^"Similar to 'what happens at GP stays at GP' - teaching children to keep secrets sets the stage for a future abusive person."^

I don't know anyone who would say that to GC. Some here say "Grandma's house, Grandma's rules" which usually mean that they are stricter with GC than the parents are - eg sitting at table for meals.

I've read many instances where GP willfully spoils, give choco buttons, crisps, fizzy drinks, keeps GC up late, allows telly.

Not at all stricter, just doing whatever GP wishes against AC wishes.

I'm not technically adroit, but can look for examples.

If The OP here has a questionable driving history, I doubt she would include it in her writing

Those observations usually come from others viewing the situation outside in, not the other way around

My father and mother claim they are safe drivers, I beg to differ

"Similar to 'what happens at GP stays at GP' - teaching children to keep secrets sets the stage for a future abusive person."

I don't know anyone who would say that to GC. Some here say "Grandma's house, Grandma's rules" which usually mean that they are stricter with GC than the parents are - eg sitting at table for meals.

Allsorts

I think for a lot of people it appears that grandparents are not to be trusted to be with their grandchildren. All these rules, I might add most of us have common sense, do respect parents wishes without needing a manual on it. I’ve looked after all of mine, all of them had sleep overs etc, all returned intact and happy.

Of course parents have rules for their children. There are rules for everything in life, why wouldn't parents lay in rules concerning their children?

My daughters didn't have a 'manual' but they certainly had rules for us to follow. I've looked after my 12 GC/GGC (thankfully no sleepovers).

I find it disrespectful to use the word 'manual' to describe the rules others have for their children. Similar to 'what happens at GP stays at GP' - teaching children to keep secrets sets the stage for a future abusive person.

You were absolutely right Mandrake.

Mine weren't trusted in their own home because I, as an adult, couldn't relax there because of their dog. It attacked everyone, including myself. If I couldn't trust them to keep me safe around the dog, no way were they being trusted with a much smaller bodied person who could get terrible damage from an attack

I've been in the car with MIL and felt I had to hold on for dear life. I've been in the car when she ran a red light. No way is she driving my child

Among other things. So no, I didn't trust her with my children and it was my job to protect them. They couldn't protect themselves

And you were right ofcourse Mandrake. Any responsible parent wouldn't trust those GPS in those circumstances.

In other circumstances, with different grandparents who did not display these palpable risk issues, parents would reasonably make different decisions. I did with my mum and dad and my son and family did with me before they moved away.

Allsorts

I think for a lot of people it appears that grandparents are not to be trusted to be with their grandchildren. All these rules, I might add most of us have common sense, do respect parents wishes without needing a manual on it. I’ve looked after all of mine, all of them had sleep overs etc, all returned intact and happy.

Mine weren't trusted in their own home because I, as an adult, couldn't relax there because of their dog. It attacked everyone, including myself. If I couldn't trust them to keep me safe around the dog, no way were they being trusted with a much smaller bodied person who could get terrible damage from an attack.

I've been in the car with MIL and felt I had to hold on for dear life. I've been in the car when she ran a red light. No way is she driving my child.

Among other things. So no, I didn't trust her with my children and it was my job to protect them. They couldn't protect themselves.

SIDS wasn't understood back then, the advice to front sleep was in case of vomit.

Information wasn't correlated the way it is today. People had no idea front sleeping significantly increased SIDS.

So given how data and understanding has changed, I certainly won't advise my children to ignore guidance.

I just don't think I know better

Back then, your mother was right, although you don't state her reasoning...

I still trust those who proved her right scientifically more. Everything starts as a hypothesis, but we don't experiment with babies do we, unfortunately we have to learn the hard way

VioletSky

Callistemon21

Another aunt would put them down on their tummies to sleep saying they would sleep better

That was the rule in the 1970s, VioletSky!

Woe betide any young mother who failed to heed that advice, sorry order from the Health Visitor. Visiting the Baby Clinic was not so much for advice as to be told what you must do with your child. Perhaps your aunt had been told, as we were, that it would help to prevent SIDs.
My DD hated it but I persevered because of that fear.
I was more relaxed and confident with DC2.

I posted an info graphic yesterday which shows how sleeping òn their backs reduced instances of SIDS by a great amount.

I appreciate my aunt was a mother in the 70s

However, advice changed in the 90s, so I politely didn't do as she suggested and turned them after she put them down.

If they change the advice back (given the correlation of data, this is unlikely but still) I will follow parents direction and respect their choices....

Not my baby, not my responsibility... theirs

If something were to happen in my cate, I would at least have the comfort of having followed instructions to the letter

Fair enough and I ignored the rules myself after DC1.
I listened to my mother instead who thought sleeping on tummies was wrong.

My Dad is an excellent grandparent

I think for a lot of people it appears that grandparents are not to be trusted to be with their grandchildren. All these rules, I might add most of us have common sense, do respect parents wishes without needing a manual on it. I’ve looked after all of mine, all of them had sleep overs etc, all returned intact and happy.

Yup, so I has rules now because shenanigans

VioletSky

Madgran I agree we are all asked for advice or opinion and we all give it... personally I don't tend to want to pursue an argument about whose advice or opinion is "correct" but that is hard when others quote or use your name to disagree thus forcing you to answer...

There are "buts" for me though

1, if the advice given goes against current guidelines on child safety or may otherwise cause direct or indirect harm to a child on balance.

2, If the advice given may damage a relationship, I think it matters to point that out. That relationship may be someone's whole world. It's easy to just throw an answer into the wind without thinking about the consequences.

3, the advice or opinion is in any way discriminatory.

Those are my rules for myself in discussion... that and no one gets to tell people what they think/mean or who they are

I like them

Yup, makes sense!

I suppose a name gets used to clarify which post someone is commenting on, which can help to avoid misunderstandings. I don't really see constructive discussions about differing viewpoints as arguments, but yes, such discussions do sometimes descend into argument, that is true. We have all seen that on occasions on GN!

Madgran I agree we are all asked for advice or opinion and we all give it... personally I don't tend to want to pursue an argument about whose advice or opinion is "correct" but that is hard when others quote or use your name to disagree thus forcing you to answer...

There are "buts" for me though

1, if the advice given goes against current guidelines on child safety or may otherwise cause direct or indirect harm to a child on balance.

2, If the advice given may damage a relationship, I think it matters to point that out. That relationship may be someone's whole world. It's easy to just throw an answer into the wind without thinking about the consequences.

3, the advice or opinion is in any way discriminatory.

Those are my rules for myself in discussion... that and no one gets to tell people what they think/mean or who they are

I like them

Callistemon21

^Another aunt would put them down on their tummies to sleep saying they would sleep better^

That was the rule in the 1970s, VioletSky!

Woe betide any young mother who failed to heed that advice, sorry order from the Health Visitor. Visiting the Baby Clinic was not so much for advice as to be told what you must do with your child. Perhaps your aunt had been told, as we were, that it would help to prevent SIDs.
My DD hated it but I persevered because of that fear.
I was more relaxed and confident with DC2.

I posted an info graphic yesterday which shows how sleeping òn their backs reduced instances of SIDS by a great amount.

I appreciate my aunt was a mother in the 70s

However, advice changed in the 90s, so I politely didn't do as she suggested and turned them after she put them down.

If they change the advice back (given the correlation of data, this is unlikely but still) I will follow parents direction and respect their choices....

Not my baby, not my responsibility... theirs

If something were to happen in my cate, I would at least have the comfort of having followed instructions to the letter

VioletSky

Norah is correct

Which is why it concerns me seeing advice given that may very well damage a relationship.

Parents have the right to choose and they will choose caregivers based on trust. Breaking trust will damage the relationship.

Quite a few posters have expressed very similar to Norah and to your point about trust/breaking trust VS, which is good.

I suppose in the end people will give the advice they give, which other posters will agree with or not agree with. What matters is that the OP takes the advice that she feels will work for her and her family, and hopefully she will be right in her choice.

However, as we are now 11 pages in, and she hasn't been back for ages, maybe she has given up on us all anyway.

Norah yes there are some common themes seen when difficulties arise. I agree.

Another aunt would put them down on their tummies to sleep saying they would sleep better

That was the rule in the 1970s, VioletSky!

Woe betide any young mother who failed to heed that advice, sorry order from the Health Visitor. Visiting the Baby Clinic was not so much for advice as to be told what you must do with your child. Perhaps your aunt had been told, as we were, that it would help to prevent SIDs.
My DD hated it but I persevered because of that fear.
I was more relaxed and confident with DC2.

Vs pretty much summed it up in two paragraphs

Norah is correct

Which is why it concerns me seeing advice given that may very well damage a relationship.

Parents have the right to choose and they will choose caregivers based on trust. Breaking trust will damage the relationship.

Madgran77

Yes Norah there are some GPS that think like that as evidenced on GN and I have observed. There are also many who don't.

Neither GPS or parents of young children are an amorphous mass of common thinking, thank goodness!!

Agreed.

I pointed to common disputes. Some GP know everything about grandchildren, they think. But that way goes upset families.