Oh my goodness, this would be very elaborate if it was a scam, but now others have pointed it out, I can see how it would work. OP doesn't even know if the person who sent any of the FB messages / emails is actually her niece.
I am fairly savvy about such things - have pulled up clever DH a couple of times because I have more of what the Americans call 'street smarts' - but I didn't spot this one.
OP, if it was a scam, my heart goes out to you. Whatever the situation, it has not been nice for you, I just hope you ave not lost money as well.
I know we would be grateful to hear how things have gone, but I do understand if you don't want to post any more
Gransnet forums
Grandparenting
Feeling upset and annoyed with niece
(56 Posts)Feeling quite bruised and upset, so feel I have to let off steam! I saw on Facebook that my niece/ godchild (age 49) and husband are moving. He’s starting a year long course, they don’t have much money and through Facebook are letting friends and everyone know that they would like help. Crowdfunding has been suggested. However I thought this would be an opportunity for me to help them. We’re not very close, but we see each other at family occasions. So I said I’d like to help and could they send bank transfer details - that was 2 days ago. I sent a sizeable contribution, about one fifth of what they needed. I told them when I was sending it, but I didn’t say the amount, I wanted it to be a nice surprise. That was on Tuesday evening, and I received an email first thing next morning (yesterday) saying the money wasn’t in their account. I explained that it might take 24 hours, but that I was checking too, and would sort it out out if it didn’t arrive. Last night I got a very brief, unfriendly terse email from her saying that the money still hadn’t arrived with ‘hadn’t’ written in capitals - HADN’T - which always makes me feel I’m being shouted at! By this time she’d dropped any pleasantries from the conversation. I didn’t reply as I felt I’d already said what I would do. This morning I checked my bank account, and the money had been transferred to the correct account. I sent a message confirming money had gone from my account and could they confirm they’d received it. I received an email from her 7 minutes later (and to give her the benefit of the doubt - our emails might have crossed while sending) saying crossly again ‘ that x amount of money had arrived in their account. Please confirm’. Since then I have heard nothing. I feel mortally wounded, I wouldn’t mind if she’d just apologised for being a bit hasty, that they were worried etc. But it’s like she’s calling the shots ……. as the saying goes ‘the best intentions gang aft agley’ . It’s put me off helping them again.
Call her
Maybe she is really busy and stress is getting to her?
Why did she say 'please confirm'... ?? What were you supposed to be confirming? It's very odd, I hope it isn't a scam...
How ungrateful
Oh my, I was a few lines in before SCAM SCAM started flashing in my head!
Please OP come back. And a warning to us all - social media is very easy to abuse.
The terse response isn't right! Please contact your bank ASAP.
She sounds extremely ungrateful but, like most others, it has the whiff of a scam. Please, please tell us you've phoned & actually spoken to her - texts are no substitute for a real conversation in this instance.
Thanks everyone for your helpful, sympathetic comments; I’m pleased to say the matter has been resolved happily. I felt all I wanted was a pleasant email back from her apologising, which at the time was not forthcoming. I was worried that if this situation continued it would do a lot of damage to the family relationship. At future family events I would feel hurt, and wouldn’t feel like talking to her etc etc.
So I decided to call her parents, I felt bad about this, I didn’t want to tell tales. However I thought if my niece and her husband were seeking funding, they really needed to treat possible donors better. I wasn’t sure what response I would get, but I contacted my brother and sister in law. They were very annoyed about her behaviour and said they would talk to her about it.
Long story short! They did talk to her, and it turned out she had been under a lot of stress. That particular day several things hadn’t gone to plan and I think in her relationship she has more than her fair share of ‘donkey work’ to do. Husband expects her to do the running around. The other important fact was that they don’t do internet banking. (I didn’t know this). It meant they were running backwards and forwards to a cash machine to check their account and to see if any money had come in. They could see money was in but not who it came from, which you can see on internet banking.
I then received a very nice apologetic email from my niece which just made everything ok. I understand that her parents have told them in no uncertain terms that if they are doing crowd funding or similar, they needed to get their banking organised properly. This all happened over 2-3 days, and it might seem like a storm in a teacup but I have to say I felt mortally wounded at the time. I’m glad I called her parents, even though perhaps it was a bit mean of me to tell tales. But for my niece and husband I think it was important to get the matter cleared up quickly, rather than fester.
That’s good it had been sorted out though understand why you were upset.
Why did you call an adult's parents?
Your niece is not a child. Why not talk to her directly?
It’s been sorted out satisfactorily so no need to question.
Yes need to question
Treating an adult like a naughty child does not sit well
Blimey stress doesn’t take your manners away I don’t think it’s alright at all
And sorry to be harsh to your family member Semirurak but crowd funding for ‘a move’ is horrendous I think this crowdfunding thing is well out of order what happened to finding your own way in life People buy animals then crowd find for an operation all wrong in my mind
Completely agree BlueBelle, though someone in Brighton did crowdfund for the brother of someone here to have cancer treatment in Africa,which has been successful. we were all glad to do that...
Hithere
Why did you call an adult's parents?
Your niece is not a child. Why not talk to her directly?
Same question.
Thank you so much for getting back to us. So relieved it wasn't a scam.
I think that different families have different ways of approaching things. In some going to an adult's parents would seem odd, in some it would be a tactful thing to do, and you know your own family best.
I have to say that I am not getting a good picture of her marriage! A husband who has decided to do a course, gets her to do the donkey work, including 'begging'.
However, you have been a kind aunt, and if it goes well, and helps them enjoy the rest of their lives, then they will have cause to be grateful to you.
Doing training when one is older can be difficult. I became aware of a young (not very close) relative who would like to train as nurse. No financial help as she already has a (rather useless) degree. As the nurses of my era know, we had to work long hours on the wards, and study on top of that, but we had enough to get by on without asking anyone else for funding. In gratitude for my own training, I offered some support. However, she is sensibly doing a caring job that may lead to sponsorship, so I am waiting in the wings.
As someone who does not have an online bank account as I feel our few shekels would not be safe, I can understand some of the confusion as checking (possibly several) deposits on unspecified amounts via cash machine might make if difficult to see who had sent what. I find myself alarmed at the thought that your niece may be making her account vulnerable if she was posting the numbers on her FB page. Anyway, I am glad your kind donation reached its proper destination and that you feel matters with your niece have been resolved satisfactorily..
Oh dear .....will you keep us posted ? Am crossing fingers and more hoping it isn' t a scam....
Sorry didn' t see yr message ...glad it wasn' t scam!
Ohhhhhh I AM SOOOOOO happy it wasn't a scam and all is resolved.. x
Crowdfunding for a move is so entitled IMHO.
Ringing an adult’s parents to ‘tell on her’ is also wrong.
Saying that, it says a lot about the dynamics of the family and respectful behaviour.
Just saying ?♀️
Very happy to hear it’s not a scam, but very sorry you’ve given so much money to such an ill mannered couple, unbelievable!
I agree with you Nannarose, we all know our own families the best and act accordingly.
As far as I’m concerned it’s none of our business to question how people choose to sort things out - even if the people involved are adults, it’s not for us to judge.
Like everyone else I am relieved this didn’t turn out to be a scam.
Answering your queries:
reason I rang the parents was because on other different occasions I have tried to contact her by email and received no reply. As she had been so offhand with me, I didn’t want to let the situation continue and for me to get more and more upset when it could have been nipped in the bud. It does feel that it was dealt with quickly and hasn’t left any resentment. I agree going directly to the person involved would seem the obvious choice normally.
They weren’t seeking crowdfunding for their actual move, but the husband is starting a training course with big fees, and I think that this was defeating them as he is on a sort of low paid stipend at the moment.
Well, this does not sound like a scam to me.
After all, you sent the money by bank transfer to her account and have received confirmation that she has received it
It did sound like a scam.
Semiruralgirl did not have the bank details of her niece, the person who may have hacked her Facebook account gave her the bank details.
In this case it wasn't but it's something we all need to be aware of.
In fact, I'm amazed that people expect others to fund their lifestyle choice as in this case. I'm afraid I wouldn't have been so generous.
I really cannot understand after a very generous sum of money was sent to your niece that she didn’t almost instantly phone up and give you thanks. Texts just don’t do it and for the people saying she could be busy and just sent a quick text this is excusing really very bad behaviour.
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