Do I approach my son and DIL about their lifestyle and parenting issues?

Good day, I'm back. Yesterday was tough. I wanted to put the negativity to rest but every time I tried she came back to me with criticisms of my DiL. Over and over, I said this is 3 days in a row we are having the same discussion. We agreed, DiL is not going to be voted mother of the year. Both parents like to play video games and my gs spends time with his ipad. She said he is being raised by tv and an ipad. Honestly I don't know any kids that aren't watching videos all the time. My kids watched Sesame Street, etc all the time. We go to the restaurant and all the kids have devices to keep them distracted. This is the way things are now. It's not Little House on the Prairie where the mom stays home and cooks and cleans etc with the kids while the dad works the farm. At least not in NYC! I sent her a link from Parents magazine yesterday about typical 4 year old behavior and she said it was insulting (as is going on this forum) as it doesn't tell the full story about a mother who likes to go out with her friends. Do I think my DiL goes out too often? Yes. . But my son for the most part is there to take care of my gs. Is she a great mom? probably not, but we all have circumstances. Besides having a stressful job, my DiL lost both her parents in one year following the birth of my gs so she has gone though tough times. And yes, my wife has been going to therapy for many years. Her issue (sorry to belabor the point) is that DiL doesn't put her son first and it's going to end up poorly for him. She says "who advocates for him". I'm aiming for a day of peace here as my anxiety has been through the roof the past few days. Thanks for your support.

Hi utopiarun I hope you have carried on reading. I have every sympathy with your wife for her troubled childhood and I have absolutely no doubt that she has good and relevant experience...

BUT...when it comes to your own family ones professional training cant always overcome the depth of personal reactions in situations.

The field I'm most familiar is in Mental Health and numberless professionals have had counselling themselves, and its not uncommon for doctors not to look after their own health, or for nurses to give out and give out until they get ill......

when it comes to your own family what yo have learnt and what you have done is NOT always strong enough to overcome the powerful overwhelming feelings inside. It is very complicated by there being two grandmas in the mix. I beg you to stand firm, like everyone has said, unless you truly see neglect and danger.

utoparium you say you might not come back on here is that a veiled way of saying your wife ‘ has advised ‘ you not to engage if so that is decisive treatment and however funny kind, caring she is she has issues that aren’t good and will effect your your grandson and others she comes into contact with

NO ONE is a pin expert on child care even child care experts get it wrong sometimes let’s get that clear

She is I m afraid kindly and gently Coercing you

Lastly it is VERY VERY rare to get full agreement on GN threads This time you have 100% posts telling you your wife is wrong for heavens sake listen

Your wife is wrong. This is her problem that she needs counselling for. Noone else has a problem. Your grandson sounds like a normal 4 year old and his parents are busy but clearly loving. Good luck

maybe your wife could benefit from some counselling to come to terms with her own problems from her upbringing.
projecting them onto your 4 year old GS, and then trying to intervene to cure them will not work.
may be bad for the child and alienating for you.
anyone who says they are an expert in human relations is lacking in self-awareness and insight.
she may have professional experience, but she is out of order in this situation.
don;t let her muddle mess up your relationship with your GS.

^ She loves my grandson but in my opinion is overly sensitive about certain issues as she had a challenging and terrible upbringing^

In my opinion I think the clue to your wife’s behaviour is in your statement above in that it’s bringing back memories and feelings of her own childhood and she’s projecting this on to the way your grandson is being brought up.

Please don’t give in to it - if you do then you’ll be opening a can of worms and may well lose contact with your DS, DiL and your GS.

I wish you well.

And your wife is the step grandmother, right?

OP

Your wife needs to adjust her expectations for a 4 year old- as "such an expert" that she claims to be

She needs to remember that this child will not be raised the way she believes is best

utopiarun you agree with all on here that you should say nothing.
So stick to that.

Oh my gosh he's 4.

Behave yourself. Next you'll be telling us he believes in Santa

If you came at me about me about my parenting choices, I'd feel I'd be able to say the same to you and about how you parented so be careful.

I also wouldn't give toss about about highly educated your wife/ex wife/sister/goat was.

Prepare yourself. It won't end well.

Hi, again, thanks for the responses. I had a lot of anxiety about talking to my son and DIL about their parenting and spoke to my wife about it this morning. It wasn't pretty. Just to let you know, she is warm, caring and compassionate. She worked as a speech therapist for 30 years with severely handicapped children. She loves my grandson but in my opinion is overly sensitive about certain issues as she had a challenging and terrible upbringing. She keeps saying she is an expert in child development and has been for all these years and doesn't believe my gs is in danger. knows he is fed and clothed, goes to school every day and is intelligent. She thinks her parents shuttle him off to us or his grandma too often and the kid needs stability. He has slept over our house maybe twice in the past month and I went over to put him to bed at his house when his parents went out. She thinks his potty accidents are due to a lack of stability. He can lash out and say "I don't want to see you anymore" and then in 5 minutes he's ok. My gs says "where am I sleeping tonight" and she feels it is a cry for help. When we say "grampa's or grandma's he doesn't cry and say no, he's fine with it and sleeps well at both our houses. She admits that his mother likely isn't going to change even if we talk to her. Her viewpoint is what happens when the kid is 10 and has all these problems how will you feel? Which is completely unfair to me. Right now he is 4 and according to all I have read, his behavior is normal for a 4 year old. Believe me if I thought the child was in danger 100% I would say something. Not sure if I'll be back on here, I appreciate all the responses!

Whatever misgivings you may have about the child's upbringing, it is not your business to comment. I may sometimes have considered that my GC were not subject to what I thought to be 'proper' routines. Now they are responsible, well educated and enterprising young adults, very sociable and with great relationships with their parents - and with me.

Iam64

Without wanting to be rude, your wife sounds cold, critical and judgemental.
Unless I’m missing something your description doesn’t say red flag to me
Just carry on living the little one and having him sleep over

I agree.

Especially as we have been told that the child "most of the time has a good attitude".

Without wanting to be rude, your wife sounds cold, critical and judgemental.
Unless I’m missing something your description doesn’t say red flag to me
Just carry on living the little one and having him sleep over

Unless the child is in actual danger in any way then it is nothing to do with anyone but the parents how the child is raised. In an ideal world all children would have wonderful parents who were text book at the job! That never was true for most families. . Grandparents and I include myself in this remark think their children should be doing this that and the other bringing up our grandchildren. Funnily enough that feeling applied to our parents when watching how we did it!! And be careful you are not being manipulated because before you know it, you’ll come out of this scenario badly.

nothing you have written suggests your GS is in danger, or being neglected or abused.
therefore you have no right to interfere or comment upon their parenting decisions.
if you do so, to appease your wife, you may well lose contact and relationship with GS.
is that what you want.

I was pondering on this,

"My wife says that they don't put him first and that I and my ex-wife (loving grandma who also has issues with my son and DIL) should talk to them"

So current wife wants ex wife to be the one that possibly cops for the come back/be the "baddie"? Think on it!

If anything set a good example. i.e. be extra polite to your wife and make a show of say bringing her a cup of tea so your grandson sees how valued she is. Children definitely learn by example and perhaps have a very gentle polite yet established routine in your house when he is there. Soft power as they call it. Problem with saying something to the parents is that you will put up a barrier which would be very hard to break down.

I think a good rule is to ask yourself what you would feel it was appropriate to say to a friend or neighbour under similar circumstances. Would you feel it was appropriate to interfere then?

Say nowt.

Grandparents should never interfere, or only in exceptional circumstances if the grandchildren are somehow in danger.
So, no, best keep quiet really.

Big mistake.

I'm a bit intrigued by what 'very nasty" is in a four year old. I am sure he can shout, scream etc and maybe has picked up a rude word somewhere but very nasty seems odd. I wonder if your wife just doesn't want him around so much and is working up excuses, most four year olds can lose it sometimes.
I really wouldn't say anything unless directly asked and even then be careful you could easily become estranged.

I can't imagine why you want to interfere - because that is exactly what it would be. Zip the lip and let them get on with being the good parents they clearly are. There was absolutely nothing in your original post that is a cause for concern.

utopiarun, does your wife have her own children/grandchildren? Because as someone that works in education myself, I can tell you, there is an ocean of difference between being a teacher and being a parent/grandparent. They are 100% different.

Maybe your GS can sense the critical nature of your wife, and that is why he clings to you.

Your son & DIL sound like totally normal, busy, parents. And your GS sounds like a completely normal 4 year old.