Feeing left out

Hi, just to offer some comfort and let you know you're not alone and no matter what rational thinking we are told to use, it does hurt, I know, eventhough it's not meant ❤️ x

I simply don't get all the talk about babysitting. Nobody in my family would dream of (or ever have the energy for) a night out. It was (and still is) survival mode, breastfeeding every 2 - 3 hours - and a desperate need for sleep - for at least the first six months.

Grannies are here to (sometimes) have the older kids, chat on the phone, assist in emergencies - and keep our heads down, hoping not to be lumbered with the baby!

I didn't want my mum close when I had DS. she was overwhelming and would have taken over. I needed to find my own way.

When I became a gran I waited for an invite.

so it came.

gracie11

Hi , just joined this forum my son and daughter in law are having their first baby imminently. It is our first grandchild and we were super excited. Our son has told us we can have a ‘brief initial visit after a few days (post birth) and then a longer visit a couple of weeks later’ . We were so shocked we didn’t respond , we live 2 hours away from them and feel their ‘plan’ is unreasonable and uncaring .

What about this seemed unreasonable? This is a good time to set your expectations correctly. Your son has let you know they’d like you t come to meet the baby briefly a few days after it’s born and then come back a few weeks later for a longer visit ? So it seems you should set your expectations on that. It seems he and his wife and thoughts it out and made a plan. It is after all their baby to share

lyleLyle

Utterly amazed at how selfish people can be when others have babies. “me, me, me I want I want I want.”

From being happy about dead parents, to being resentful of a woman’s close relationship with her mom while having a newborn, to now wanting space to bond with your own baby and heal without guests in your face 24/7 now being uncaring and unreasonable. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. The pity-parties people throw for themselves when others decide to do what’s right for them and their babies is truly remarkable. Grabby grannies who care first and last about what they want. As if these babies are dolls that were simply incubated to fulfill their own expectations. I hope all of these young couples remember every moment of the selfishness during there vulnerable times just after giving becoming parents. Keep making these moments of their lives about you, and you will reap what you sow.

Indeed.

As the late, lovely, kind, wise Starlady used to post (paraphrased) - I'm not estranged; I attempt no control with deposits or gifts, I don't tell my SsIL what to do or how to raise the baby, it's not all about me me me.

Utterly amazed at how selfish people can be when others have babies. “me, me, me I want I want I want.”

From being happy about dead parents, to being resentful of a woman’s close relationship with her mom while having a newborn, to now wanting space to bond with your own baby and heal without guests in your face 24/7 now being uncaring and unreasonable. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. The pity-parties people throw for themselves when others decide to do what’s right for them and their babies is truly remarkable. Grabby grannies who care first and last about what they want. As if these babies are dolls that were simply incubated to fulfill their own expectations. I hope all of these young couples remember every moment of the selfishness during there vulnerable times just after giving becoming parents. Keep making these moments of their lives about you, and you will reap what you sow.

My DD said a similar thing before they had their first baby but changed her mind after the birth. My friend’s DD kept everyone at arm’s length for a week then asked for help as she was so much more tired than she expected.
If we think about it, we were kept in hospital for 5 days, which kept family visits down to a minimum. Maybe this is just a different way of doing the same thing?

graciell that arrangement is quite usual these days.

It's whatever works best for them so please don't feel aggrieved, or worse still show it.

gracie11

Hi , just joined this forum my son and daughter in law are having their first baby imminently. It is our first grandchild and we were super excited. Our son has told us we can have a ‘brief initial visit after a few days (post birth) and then a longer visit a couple of weeks later’ . We were so shocked we didn’t respond , we live 2 hours away from them and feel their ‘plan’ is unreasonable and uncaring .

Your son's plan seems normal to me.

What did you have in mind as more reasonable and caring?

My daughter had her first baby May 2020, the plan they originally had was only a short visit in the first week then they wanted to be alone for a few weeks to adjust. Then Covid happened after a traumatic birth virtually alone then an emergency caesarean my daughter was distraught so I had to isolate and go into her bubble to help. Her MIL was really upset she only saw her granddaughter through the patio window for weeks. For the first year my granddaughter was closer to me but in July 21 my husband was diagnosed with leukaemia then because of chemotherapy he was immunosuppressed GD having just started nursery had constant coughs, colds etc so we couldn’t see her. So MIL took over a lot of her care babysitting etc I wasn’t jealous just grateful she could help my daughter. Dear husband died 6 months ago so I am building a relationship with my GD, I have her one day a week and it goes well but I still think she favours her Grandma.
But it’s not a competition so I live with what it is.

Mum of boys here. My DIL is very close to her mum and to begin with I had to accept that she was going to have more contact with the baby. However fast forward two years and everything has evened out and we have just the best relationship with our DG. Just sit tight and don’t push it would be my recommendation.

Hi , just joined this forum my son and daughter in law are having their first baby imminently. It is our first grandchild and we were super excited. Our son has told us we can have a ‘brief initial visit after a few days (post birth) and then a longer visit a couple of weeks later’ . We were so shocked we didn’t respond , we live 2 hours away from them and feel their ‘plan’ is unreasonable and uncaring .

Acouple is able to hold jobs, social circle, maintain their home, etc - functional members of the society

Why then when a baby comes, they seem to be perceived as unable to hold it together and need the grandparents' help?

What secondary motivation is there in that perceived helplessness?

Adults ask for help when they need it - stop pushing your help on others

Can i suggest you stop asking to babysit? They know you want to, they just don't need you to right now.

This is what i would do, find out from your son what his wife wants or needs, her favourite things, I'm not talking big things just brand of chocolate bars, sweets, crisps, bath soap, pamper stuff. Make up a bundle for mum but the key is to get things she definitely wants or needs. Things that hit the spot. Pop a few treats in for your son too, he is probably feeling exhausted and needs a little loving too. Mention to your son you'd like to drop it by on your next day off and ask him to be home. Say you don't mind if the baby is asleep, you'd just like to see them. (obviously you would prefer the baby to be awake but take the pressure off) Either leave a note with it when you go or say "just a little something because I know being a new parent is tough"

This should help in two ways; the first is showing you that you actually don't know your daughter in law that well - you have to ask your son what she likes. That might make you understand that she maybe doesn't know you that well either and that's why she may be less comfortable going to you to babysit. Disappointing, yes, but fixable with time. You just need to build up your relationship with her (not just your grandchild). Be around them as a family and your babysitting days will come.

The second thing it does is show the mum that you respect her and you are looking out for her, not just interested in the new baby. This should help put her guard down and by feeling warm and fuzzy towards you she may remember you more often. It may take time but take the focus off the baby and as a result you will likely find you see the baby more. The new mum is probably feeling a little vulnerable and just needs some kind words about her parenting, how well she is doing etc. Note that saying "he or she is thriving" is not the same as "you're doing a great job". The second is directed to the parent the first is directed to the baby.

I can understand that it's hard being a grandma and feeling a little left out but I bet it's unintentional and if it really isn't the above will likely help.

p s buy yourself a little treat too. Hugs xx

I really feel for you. I’m in a similar position. My son works in the Far East saw my two young grandchildren first time after 3 years due to Covid restrictions. Made a real fuss of them it was lovely and even though they see their other grandparents regularly because they are now a little older they wanted to know more about us. They didn’t want to go back and were asking to come back again for Christmas. I think soon as the new baby gets a little older your DL will see you more and soon as the little one gets older hopefully will want to see their other grandparents. Just stick in there offer help when you can. Don’t get upset it hopefully will all work out

The thing that surprises me most is that the mother of a 12 week old baby is leaving her baby with anyone at all- especially overnight. I didn’t leave mine until they were much much older and neither did my DD leave my grandchildren. I’m sure your DIL will give you more access once the baby is a bit older though.

JosieGc

Oh for goodness sakes, you are all women, you have had babies and therefore you know. You know what it feels like to birth a baby, the powerful feelings of love, the processing of the birth, the overwhelm, the tiredness, the questioning yourself, the establishing feeding. Be kind to your daughter in laws and let them be supported by their mothers with grace and understanding ! Because you know. Give them time and support them in any way they need as a family ( even if that is to give them space and time during the early days) and you will be forever thought of fondly as someone they can trust. If you push it, make it about yourself or add any pressure that taints a special time for your son and daughter in law you run the risk of damaging your relationships. I speak as someone who was constantly criticised during her post partum period and had her 3 week old snatched off her and refused to give me my baby back by my own mil, I was traumatised and my husband was furious. I would never be so selfish with my own daughter in law. Remember if you hurt your dil you hurt your son. Give them space time and your special grandma time will come.

Brilliant.

We've all been there (or most have) and should understand.

Oh for goodness sakes, you are all women, you have had babies and therefore you know. You know what it feels like to birth a baby, the powerful feelings of love, the processing of the birth, the overwhelm, the tiredness, the questioning yourself, the establishing feeding. Be kind to your daughter in laws and let them be supported by their mothers with grace and understanding ! Because you know. Give them time and support them in any way they need as a family ( even if that is to give them space and time during the early days) and you will be forever thought of fondly as someone they can trust. If you push it, make it about yourself or add any pressure that taints a special time for your son and daughter in law you run the risk of damaging your relationships. I speak as someone who was constantly criticised during her post partum period and had her 3 week old snatched off her and refused to give me my baby back by my own mil, I was traumatised and my husband was furious. I would never be so selfish with my own daughter in law. Remember if you hurt your dil you hurt your son. Give them space time and your special grandma time will come.

PoppyBlue

There's post after post about how Paternal nan doesn't see the baby as much as Maternal nan and that's because the daughter is closer to her own mom, not all the time granted but most of the time. If the relationship between DIL and MIL is poor or not close or whatever else before baby is born, its not going to magically get better just because she's had a baby.

So choosing to spend time with her mom when she's postpartum and her husband is back at work is completely normal for some new moms. Maybe she's struggling?

There's posts about it being 'equal' but it will never be equal, if DIL sees her mom twice, has she then got to see her MIL twice a week to balance it out?

I couldn’t agree more poppy! So many seem to think that though their relationship with their dil has always been one of a few visits a year with their son present that once a baby shows up they get their knickers in a twist that those same dils they were happy to have a distant but polite relationship with don’t want them
Ever present during an emotional, vulnerable transition. That they don’t plan to step up one on one visits and aren’t “considerate”
Enough to keep track of minutes so as to be fair. Even school children know
Life is simply not fair ? And really what is fair about suddenly feeling entitled to someone’s time/recovery/etc with whom
You’ve not bothered to
Foster a relationship with somy so you can gain more access to their child?

As for all the “tell your son to prioritize you” comments, as the mother to
Three sons, if my son were to ever prioritize my wants over his wife’s and newborn child (who lets be honest simply only want mum anything else is simply tolerated ) well , I will have failed entirely as a mother. A new fathers priority is doing all
He can to support a happy, healthy, well loved new mum and baby. Anyone else is a very distant second.

EMMYPEMMY

Well I have 2 x Grandchildren from my daughter and I have been heavily involved with both of them 1 is 23 1 is 9 years of age they adore spending time with me and we have had the bond from them being babies. If you do not bond with them while they are young they will never be close to you. I would have a word with your Son ask him to fetch baby over, if you want baby overnight ask them for it . While you sit waiting that baby is growing up you will be missing out
I have already had a word with my son re babies and told him I want to be a huge part of all my Grandchildren s life .... They are so special, not like your own children you can hand them back lol

No one needs to bind with a newborn baby but it’s parent for Pete’s sake - grandma has plenty of years to Forman attachment and overnight - if op pushes she’ll
Be lucky if her son
Doesn’t remind her it’s really not
About what she wants is it?

Kavvy68, did you go out and have babysitters for tiny ones? I know I didn't. I had to be close to them for the first year, and was feeding anyway - so they came with us, or we didn't go. I'd be pretty scared looking after a young baby too, so it's not something I'd do - unless there was an emergency.

But my own DIL is wonderful and includes and trusts me and I’ve had the GC stay overnights (max was 5 days when we got snowed in) from when babies. And no harm done !

tickingbird

Unfortunately being the paternal gran is often rough and, unless your DIL is very thoughtful, you just have to accept that’s the way it is.

Totally agree with Lucca on this. I didn’t want my mother with me in the delivery room or around all the time when I had children. It is the father’s child too and paternal grans shouldn’t be shoved aside like they often are.

Agree tickingbird. My bloke said with his ex wife it was always “her and her mother”. Hospital appointments, meals out , even holidays…🤷‍♀️ His own mother was barely tolerated!

I do not even know how to process some of the things said on this thread. Lucky that the DIL's didn't have parents? Equal time for all Grandparents like the baby is a time share. Recommending that the OP just drop by and force her way in? And of course, the tale as old as time, it is the evil DIL that is stopping all visits and that is why estrangement is on the rise.

OP; please talk to your son and ask when they are available for a visit with the baby.

A grandma's job is not to support the new mom, but the whole new family, as much as they want other family members involved

I dont understand how women see their role as carers all their lives - is that women amount to? The service to others?
How sad