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Grandparenting

Feeing left out

(165 Posts)
Kavvy68 Sun 13-Nov-22 10:20:44

Hi guys
I’ve recently become a first time nan to a beautiful granddaughter she is only 12 weeks old and I am already feelings pushed out . I am the paternal nan and I know the maternal nana will see baby more but it feels like she asked to baby sit a lot and my daughter in law takes baby to see her every week I have one day off a week and they have never been round or have been asked to come and see baby also me and my husband have offered numerous times to baby sit I saw a post on Facebook last night that the other nana had my granddaughter over night I’m not going to lie I’m heartbroken 😔 how do we overcome this ? TIA

Lathyrus Sun 13-Nov-22 11:50:37

Your DIL had a baby 12 weeks ago and she wants her own Mum.
It’s as simple as that.

When the baby’s a bit older and maybe not breast feeding, your son can bring his daughter to his Mum and Dad.

Doodledog Sun 13-Nov-22 12:05:25

I think it's understandable that you feel sad, and I sympathise.

So much depends on your relationship with your son, but could you have a word with him and tell him how you feel? It could well be simply a case of thoughtlessness rather than deliberately leaving you out. It is hard to think straight when you have a new baby.

flowers

VioletSky Sun 13-Nov-22 12:05:25

I think you should stop asking to babysit. Baby is only 12 weeks and it's normal for the babysitting circle to be very small at this stage. That's a lot of pressure on a new mum.

You only have 1 day off so matching the time they are able to socialise with your free time is going to be harder.

I would extend an invitation with notice. And give options.

"Are you free on .....? Would you like to come and put your feet up and I will cook us a meal or I could come to you and cook you a meal pr bring a nice lunch?

Show yourself to be a support to both of them and not just interested in baby time and I think things might go a little differently. They will have pressure from so many directions wanting to see the baby. Take the pressure a way and it suddenly becomes something that feels comfortable and easy.

crazyH Sun 13-Nov-22 12:15:55

When my first grandson was born, I remember my daughter telling me off for “hogging” the baby, when her mother-in-law was in the room. She was a very fair daughter-in-law !
Don’t worry, there’s plenty of times when your d.I.l. will be glad of your help.
Congratulations on becoming a ‘Gran’ - best feeling in the world flowers

Theexwife Sun 13-Nov-22 12:29:40

Have you tried speaking to your son about how you feel?

I do feel for the paternal grandparents who are often treated as second-rate. I understand that the new mother would want to see more of her own mother however the baby belongs equally to both parents. Your son could say that he is taking the baby to see his mother or that his mother is going to babysit in the same way that the new mother can.

Lathyrus Sun 13-Nov-22 12:37:26

Theexwife

Have you tried speaking to your son about how you feel?

I do feel for the paternal grandparents who are often treated as second-rate. I understand that the new mother would want to see more of her own mother however the baby belongs equally to both parents. Your son could say that he is taking the baby to see his mother or that his mother is going to babysit in the same way that the new mother can.

Yes, but perhaps not at 12 weeks. The mother a young bond is very strong in the first few months, as Nature intended it to be. We’re still quite primeval creatures in some respects when it comes to maternal instincts.

I think it would be a recipe for conflict for even the father to announce his is “taking” the baby or to dictate his mother will care for the baby.

Lathyrus Sun 13-Nov-22 12:37:51

mother and young

VioletSky Sun 13-Nov-22 12:46:55

That's not how parenting works Theexwife

Parents even if they are apart should be making joint decisions.

If mum isn't comfortable with x babysitting, then it is a no. If dad isn't comfortable with y babysitting, then it is a no.

Telling the dad here in any way that he can just overrule mum is a recipe for disaster

BlueBelle Sun 13-Nov-22 13:05:23

When I look back I was always very very close to my maternal grandparents and only saw my paternal grandparents for a couple of hours a week on a family visit
I went out a lot and stayed over with my maternal grandparents and never did with my paternal we all lived in the same town
Roll on a generation I definitely turned to my own mum for everything I had a wonderful relationship with my mum in law who lived 130 miles away but only saw her now and then
And now another generation
My own son lives the other side of the globe so I ve only seen those grandkids a few times in their life We have all accepted these dynamics and the only time I ve felt sad and annoyed
(maybe jealous) was when I was visiting my son and family for three weeks their second child was 8 months old… one day my son said his wife and his work scheduled was 30 minutes apart was I ok having the little chap for that 30 minutes I said I d love to , within seconds of him leaving for work the maternal grandmother who lives near them swept in, said hello picked the little chap up and said I ll look after him, I was really upset and really felt I never wanted to hear her name again Anyway of course I survived, my son was really annoyed but we kept it under wraps as I didn’t want him falling out with his in laws over it but it was nasty

Calendargirl Sun 13-Nov-22 13:15:48

My DD is married to an Australian, we haven’t met up in real life for 5 years, due to Covid and just life in general.

I know my DH would love to spend Christmas over there, (not this year). Last time we were there for Christmas our elder GS was 2 months old, he is now 20!

What puts me off is although they are not too far from the in laws, they don’t see much of them, (in laws choice) but usually have them over for Christmas lunch.

If we were to go for Christmas again, it would be nice to see DD, her DH and the 3 (nearly grown up) GC on our own, without the in laws being there, but her husband seems to think his parents and brother should still be invited, although they can be seen anytime.

If that makes me seem selfish, then yes, I am. If the boot were on the other foot, I would be quite happy to take a back seat for once.

PoppyBlue Sun 13-Nov-22 13:29:43

Your DIL takes herself and her baby to see her mom. Her mom will want to see both of them not just the baby.

Did you see alot of your DIL on her own before she had the baby?

Juliet27 Sun 13-Nov-22 13:39:02

I’ve pm’d you Calendargirl

Norah Sun 13-Nov-22 13:51:20

Oh dear. Very early days.

I think uneven treatment of paternal and maternal family is a myth, and a silly myth at that. It's down to getting along.

Mum was lovely as was mil. I very much wanted to be with my family and my husband advocated for his family, we visited both in equal measure.

Neither of us declared our mum as babysitter. In fact, neither was a babysitter. We decided, between ourselves, what was best for our family.

Allow your son and his wife to make their choices. They aren't choosing anything to upset you, nor are they choosing independently of each other.

Bibbity Sun 13-Nov-22 14:04:49

The relationship with the grandchild is there because of the pre existing relationship with the parent.

So how often did your son come to visit you/ engage with you prior to the baby being born?

Hithere Sun 13-Nov-22 14:07:07

Kavvy

This is very common in this board, sadly

Did you talk to your son and dil about how the envisioned your role as a gm?
Expectations are, a lot of times, the cause for feeling left out, when truly, they other party doesnt think it is the case - they include you on their terms

The baby is only 3 months old and your dil prefers her support network, it is natural

When a gp keeps suggesting they can babysit, the intention is clear - I want to see the baby

They know you can babysit so please let them come back to you with a request

The more you offer, the more you may be putting them off

Comparing yourself with the other grandparent is a losing battle.
Baby is not a timeshare that follows "fair" conditions

Relax and wait - it will pay off

Smileless2012 Sun 13-Nov-22 14:18:56

It is a common problem for the paternal GP's Kavvy and understandable that this is upsetting you. Your offers to babysit not being taken on board probably wouldn't be an issue if the other GP's weren't doing so and had also had the baby over night.

I think mentioning this to your son is a good idea. As Theexwife has said, this is his child too. He may be quite happy with the current arrangement and not given it a great deal of thought, or he might be having concerns about his parents seeing very little of their GC.

You might feel better about this if you know that this is also what your son wants for now, and not just your d.i.l.

biglouis Sun 13-Nov-22 14:23:13

Reading threads like these makes me so glad I never had children to be pulled this way and that by controlling parents and parents in law. Everyone wanting a piece of you!

JaneJudge Sun 13-Nov-22 14:32:47

I'm sure from what you have written that is no malice or intention in what is happening, it's just the baby is little. Try not to take it personal flowers but I'm sure we all understand how you feel

Norah Sun 13-Nov-22 15:32:24

biglouis

Reading threads like these makes me so glad I never had children to be pulled this way and that by controlling parents and parents in law. Everyone wanting a piece of you!

Indeed.

It doesn't have to be thus. People could remember the difficult first few years with babies, back off, not insist on a "piece" of the new family.

Wyllow3 Sun 13-Nov-22 15:54:06

I know my DiL will always be closer to her mum and dad than me and it always will be. But she wanted me to be involved just at much less level and I took and take my cue from that. I do think its more the"'norm".

I didnt want to be close to my mum at that point and MiL was very mentally ill so I guess I didn't have high expectations. Instead as young nervous mum I had good friendship circles.

Nevertheless, I feel your pain, I would like to be included in the "inner circle" more than I am, and sometimes talk to DS about it and that helps.

I also have a healthy WhatsAppchat/photos thing going with DiL.

How about gentle WhatsApp's to DiL "do send photos love to see them" as a way in,

and I think a quiet chat with your DS too emphasising the positive, "love to see a bit more".

Not, "*why cant we*

Blokes don't always think about these things until you spell it out and DS cant guess x

JaneJudge Sun 13-Nov-22 15:57:35

I think having a new baby, having to work, getting no sleep etc also makes you a bit selfish just through having to be to survive iykwim but it may just have been me that had non sleeping difficult babies/children grin

JaneJudge Sun 13-Nov-22 15:59:25

I suppose what I am trying to say is, it is better to try and see the best in everything rather than thinking anything is about you (especially in a negative way) sometimes new Mums just cope with what they can cope with. I've been quite honest on here about how useless I was and how I found everything overwhelming. I couldn't think outside that and I'm sure it wasn't anything to do with anyone else.
Things will settle down

Hithere Sun 13-Nov-22 16:01:40

No, it doesnt make the mother of the child "selfish" - the baby is not communal property

The son of the OP - again an innocent and passive bystander in this post (sarcasm on)

Lucca Sun 13-Nov-22 16:09:03

I just don’t get these women who have to have their mother around all the time…..even in the delivery room !

And why do they get their own way while the OH has to just accept it and get stuck in the middle ?