Feeing left out

A grandma's job is to support the new mum. Maybe bringing a meal in a container that doesn't need to be returned might be nice. Offering to do the washing and fold and sort it when dry, wash up, pop to the shop, offer to keep an eye on the little one when mum washed her hair or has a shower, and say goodbye when she is clean and dry. Become someone she can trust to do what she needs. I work with new mums and it causes much upset when others take over, don't give baby back when she needs mum, try and take over, us grand have had our go at being mum, doing it our way, it is her time now

I wish my parents had wanted to babysit my children. We would take our girls to my husbands parents regularly (just down the road) and they would visit us, but whenever we asked to go and see my parents or offered to have them come over to us for dinner etc it was always a resounding no. The one time they offered to babysit was when we only had one daughter. They said that they would babysit so that we could have a few hours on our own. We drove to their home (20miles away) and when we arrived my mum opened the door, smiled and said she’d changed her mind and promptly closed the door on us. That was just one example. We gave up trying with them in the end.

I seem to have the opposite life to the posters on here re paternal grandmothers.
I am a paternal grandmother, have no daughters.I seemed to have more care of my grandchildren than the maternal ones did. I did not hog the limelight, it was the way it worked out.
My now late DH and I also took them to school and often picked them up as well.
I discovered once the new baby showing off stage is over the novelty disappears, I wonder if the maternal grandmother wants the baby at the toddler stage, when you have to have eyes in the back of your head all the time, and the once adorable baby is messing her house up?.
Sorry to sound judgemental but that is often the case.
I hope you do get plenty of time with your grandchild, can you not have a word with your son and tell him how you are feeling?. Also your DIL, does she not wonder how you feel when she seems to be giving her mother all the joy? can she not just think of you as well?

Patience! It's all very new and exciting but just wait until the novelty has worn off and the little one becomes an exhausting and challenging individual. That's the time that your help will be invaluable. Keep on offering to help - there are always ways to do this, and in time you will become just as much a part of the little one's life.

VioletSky

I think you should stop asking to babysit. Baby is only 12 weeks and it's normal for the babysitting circle to be very small at this stage. That's a lot of pressure on a new mum.

You only have 1 day off so matching the time they are able to socialise with your free time is going to be harder.

I would extend an invitation with notice. And give options.

"Are you free on .....? Would you like to come and put your feet up and I will cook us a meal or I could come to you and cook you a meal pr bring a nice lunch?

Show yourself to be a support to both of them and not just interested in baby time and I think things might go a little differently. They will have pressure from so many directions wanting to see the baby. Take the pressure a way and it suddenly becomes something that feels comfortable and easy.

That is good advice Kavvy68. Make yourself a support and they will see you as a bigger support

usuallyright

Try to be more stoical and let them get on with their lives and soon enough, you will be required to do some baby sitting etc, then you will come into your own, and tell them that you cannot babysit for them, even when an emergency situation arises, and they will soon realise the mistake they have made in the first place.

Go to it Gran and let them see the error of their ways.

That would be so unkind to new parents and probably the best way to make them never ask the OP to babysit again!1

I truly hope that you ignore this advice Kavvy68

Plus what @Daftbag1 just said.

It does seem rather strange that in twelve weeks they haven’t visited or invited you over OP, have you see the baby?
It is very early days for the baby to be left overnight with anyone so I would completely stop asking to baby sit and work on just seeing your GD regularly and start building from there.
You don’t mention whether you had a close relationship with your DIL before the baby as I think that will make a difference now, it is only natural that she will gravitate to her own mum.
Why not change tack a bit and just message saying you hope all is going well, thinking of you all, would love some photos of baby. Try to keep it a bit more casual and caring rather than sounding demanding.
Maybe buy some baby bits and a nice outfit and suggest they pop in sometime soon or ask if you could you arrange a time to pop over there as you’d love for them to have them, keep it friendly and chatty.
I do hope you manage to sort this out, perhaps you could add any relevant comments on to your thread, then those trying to help will have the bigger picture

I can understand your feelings. Maybe the way forward is for you to take control a little. On your days off why not pop round with a bunch of flowers, or chocolates , doughnuts, nothing expensive, just a little treat for a new mum.

Have a cuppa, and if baby is awake don't pick her up, but ask if you can give her a cuddle, but then leave so don't outstay your welcome. As you say goodbye, ask her if it's ok for you to pop round next week, if you have some, take some baby photos of your son with you.

But keep the visits short then after a few weeks perhaps you meet up with her mum and you for a coffee in town.

It's normal that daughters will automatically reach out to their own mums , just don't push too hard, make visits a regular so that they become a habit, when baby is a little older your DIL may like to visit the shops with her own mum while you babysit just don't push too hard

this thread is in the daily email thing, hence the posts above

Oh my goodness

Please don't give advice that may destroy a young family just finding their feet

usuallyright

Try to be more stoical and let them get on with their lives and soon enough, you will be required to do some baby sitting etc, then you will come into your own, and tell them that you cannot babysit for them, even when an emergency situation arises, and they will soon realise the mistake they have made in the first place.

Go to it Gran and let them see the error of their ways.

What great advice.....
Because there is no way in any universe that this could backfire and OP end up isolated and cut off.

Try to be more stoical and let them get on with their lives and soon enough, you will be required to do some baby sitting etc, then you will come into your own, and tell them that you cannot babysit for them, even when an emergency situation arises, and they will soon realise the mistake they have made in the first place.

Go to it Gran and let them see the error of their ways.

Congratulations on becoming a nan, Kavvy68. How wonderful. I can sympathise with your feelings, especially when you see photos on social media. In my experience, things settle down in time. Emotions are very high at the moment, but it will even out. It sounds as if you live quite near, which is a bonus. Keep offering to help, as you are. Bring round food and invite them back for a meal, offer to do some shopping, things like that. They are sure to be exhausted. Things will balance out in time. Do show concern for the new mum and dad and how they are both coping. Make yourself a lovely photo album of your new granddaughter to show off to your friends, and keep busy. 💐

I feel for you and understand your hurt feelings. Be patient and I would have a quiet word with your son and explain your hurt feelings. I’ve been there but turned out alright and satisfying in the end, Good Luck.

I totally understand my only grandchild I never get anywhere like equal time he is 10 it hurts but it best just to accept to keep the peace! It will become easier over time. Smile and be gracious it will help a lot.

Many Grans of DS’s children will recognise the feelings you have. Since DS moved to Scotland from London I can count in years the gaps between seeing both him and them. I moved to Norfolk but it made little difference. What really hurts is that he makes the journey back to London to see his father quite often. My daughter also lives in Norfolk and DGD has a w/e sleepover almost every week and we see twin DGSs on the pick up or drop off. I’m afraid it just seems to be the way of things that girls gravitate towards their mothers - it isn’t necessarily anything personal.

When my GC were born I was over the moon as I have two sons and to have two GD was wonderful for me. And I am very lucky in that my DIL and DS were very generous in allowing me to indulge with presents, clothes and mainly time. Now that they are both teenagers I have a wonderful relationship with both of them, and even watched "Strictly" with them a couple of weeks ago. ( I never watch it). I know it has all been the instigation of my youngest son who is a very kind and caring person. My eldest son and his DW do not have children and will never have them now. But - I know that if they had I would definitely be at the back of the queue for visits, over night stays etc and that DIL is all for her family. I would be surprised if it crosses her mind to come over for a cup of tea, whilst seeing her Mum every day. But, I am used to it now and continue to enjoy my GD. On a final note I have so many friends with sons who have children who are often left out of their GCs life. Very few visits, no overnight stays and dare I say it Jealous DIL/MIL syndrome.

If you only have one day a week off perhaps they don't want to impose. Give them time, just mention your offer to babysit now and again but don't harangue them.

Nanafireworks

That is not sense, that is wishful thinking under the GP's pov

Well I was present at the birth of both of my grandchildren at the request of my daughter. Son in law was there too but I was more actively involved. Not really by choice but was helpful anyway. The other grandparent doesn’t see our little ones much, even though she lives close by. She spends all of her time with her daughter’s children and refers to them as her grandchildren, I’m not sure she thinks of these ones as hers! She actually said to me that she’s the third parent to the others and I am to “mine”. It’s not always as straightforward as paternal/maternal being favoured. I had no support with mine until they were older because we lived away. But both of mine loved both sets of grandparents equally. I always used to wonder how on earth they seemed to know from birth who their family were, even though we saw them regularly. They were always comfortable in their presence when not always so in the presence of others. I’d say just let things work out naturally, I also think most women would prefer their own mum to look after such a tiny baby, sorry if that sounds unkind. I didn’t though! My MIL was simply perfection.

If she (mum) has any sense she will soon be seeing you and you will be spending time with bubba ❤️
I don’t know why these new mums don’t share care with their nearest and dearest - it’s all or nothing sometimes - speak to your DS and much love and congratulations to you all xxx

your son has a lot on his plate now. Do you really want to add another issue for him to deal with. Don't put him in the middle or make him choose.

There is another ongoing thread on here criticizing women who do not visit their mothers or other relatives enough. On this thread is a woman who regularly visits her mother and somehow she is in the wrong too.
Seems like women can't do right for doing wrong.

Don’t feel left out. Continue to be caring and loving. Girls want their Mums. It’s natural. If you appear jealous it could affect your relationship with your daughter in law.
Believe me your turn will come.