Feeing left out

I totally understand how you feel. I had the same situation only in reverse and we only live a half mile away. In relationships often the decisions are made by the more dominant person. In my case my son in law. They are always together with his family. But, the times we got to have with the grandboys were time given just to them. Sweet wonderful moments just for the boys, baking, playing games, reading stories etc. Now they're grown and I send messages regularly to encourage and bless their days. Each of them very much love us and will stop by without notice to visit. My advise- enjoy the moments and make the best of each time. The babies are smart and will grow to love you too. I really do understand. Keep encouraged- it'll be OK!!

Unfortunately being the paternal gran is often rough and, unless your DIL is very thoughtful, you just have to accept that’s the way it is.

Totally agree with Lucca on this. I didn’t want my mother with me in the delivery room or around all the time when I had children. It is the father’s child too and paternal grans shouldn’t be shoved aside like they often are.

Well I have 2 x Grandchildren from my daughter and I have been heavily involved with both of them 1 is 23 1 is 9 years of age they adore spending time with me and we have had the bond from them being babies. If you do not bond with them while they are young they will never be close to you. I would have a word with your Son ask him to fetch baby over, if you want baby overnight ask them for it . While you sit waiting that baby is growing up you will be missing out
I have already had a word with my son re babies and told him I want to be a huge part of all my Grandchildren s life .... They are so special, not like your own children you can hand them back lol

Families can bring pleasure but also great pain.

Twelve (tiny) weeks! Give yourself a hug and take the long view. And respect their decisions without taking them personally.

twiglet77

To the grannies who feel they should be more involved with handling the baby, I wonder how it played out with their own parents and in-laws when they were new first-time mothers? Are they looking for a repetition of that, or something quite different?

Indeed.

And who doesn't want to visit their child, the one they birthed?

Why is there no mention of missing the son, actual grown human one can converse with? People who want to see babies, what about seeing sons?

I love our grown daughters, their children and GC aren't fill-ins.

Everybody’s getting very het up, based on their own feelings and experiences.

But, as the OP says herself, she’s only got one day a week when she doesn’t work.

So her contact is always going to be fairly limited, isn’t it? And those are her limits, not imposed upon her by anyone else.

I have to agree with Hithere there is nothing muddled about going to visit your mother. She is off work and visiting while she has the opportunity.
Of course she takes the baby with her, she is visiting her mother, not taking the baby for her mother to see.

12 weeks is very young to be left anywhere to be honest. How about offering to help out with the washing and ironing, cooking a meal etc. Support for them all. If it's any comfort I felt exactly the same when my first grandson was born. I have 6 grandchildren now and a special relationship with them all. One day she'll be very glad of your help. Just hang on in there.

And if she needed mil's help, would she be more confident?

Just such an insulting comment

New mothers could be less confident because they are pulled in so many different directions based on what other people want for themselves and the baby, forgetting the mother exists

"I am sure when she gains more confidence and her hormones start to settle she will start to think more clearly."

Very offensive comment - are you insinuating she is mentally impaired by post partum hormones?

This mother is thinking very clearly now - she is just making other choices compared to what OP wants

Great post undines.

To the grannies who feel they should be more involved with handling the baby, I wonder how it played out with their own parents and in-laws when they were new first-time mothers? Are they looking for a repetition of that, or something quite different?

As a comparison - Oriental, far East new parents are traditionally at home with a new baby for 12 weeks, breastfeeding, settling in, adjusting, no visitors, keep the newborn germ free, keeps possibly competitive grandparents, friends and family at bay.
Three month old babies can still be tiny, vulnerable, unsettled, some good advice offered here.

when DD1 needed help back when she had her twins by c section and then another just 2 yrs later myself and her inlaws worked well together. SIL started work between 4 and 6 am every morning. I lived just around the corner and went round just before 7 am to carry the twins down the stairs and help with their routine, both breast fed entirely, so I would throw in a wash, another load into the dryer, fold up and put away what I could. I went off to work just after 9am and the inlaws came down and stayed with her until about 4 and do bits and pieces and organise the evening meal. I would go back down about 6 to help with bedtime if SIL was not home and would tidy up and hoover etc. Repeat with next c section baby with lifting the twins, bathing etc. It worked well at the time and but looking back not sure how I managed it for 6 weeks. DD1 is very independent and hated having to depend on others but she had little choice.
I remember the inlaws asking me if I minded my daughter 2 from her first marriage calling them gran and granpa, but I was delighted they wanted to treat them as grandchildren. Eldest grandchild, who was older at the time chose to call them by their first names, younger one is happy to call them grandparents. They treat them all the same and don't favour their genetic grandchildren.

Her hormones will still be all over the place and she will be under a pressure she's not known before. It's natural that she is going to want her own mother and I don't think that you should be sticking the bottom lip out. It's about her and what she wants, not you. I am sure when she gains more confidence and her hormones start to settle she will start to think more clearly.

The majority of women find it difficult to leave their baby with anybody for the first few months. They will always choose the person they trust the most if they have to, and with most of us that's our mother.

Agree with other reply she wants her own mum
Given time and as she gets more confident herself this will change I’m sure
Try not to be impatient and ride this out, I think I was the same when I had my especially first baby, after a short while this changed, and over the months then years that followed my children ( now Grandparents themselves) all had a special loving bond with their Nan Dot right until she died some times I think they became closer to her than even my own mum who they also loved to bits ..
So take heart I’m sure all will be fine x

Be careful what you wish for. My DD's MiL was something of a matriach who rather took over the childminding for her four granchildren from two sons, with the help of a nanny. I used to go over to England to help with school holidays or emergencies and she did subtley try the gult trip bit saying she was pleased when holidays came and she had a break. I made it quite clear that it was her choice and even if I had been living down the road as before I would never have done what she did, only in emergencies and school holidays. I must say she was a nice lady.

However when the youngest was about to start school she said she was looking forward to getting her life back. Sadly a month later she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. she was fortunate in that she lived for another 2 1/2 years, and it was fairly good quality, but hardly getting her life back.

Having brought up a family retirement is for you.

I agree with others that it’s early days and maybe you’ll see the baby more when things settle down. In the meantime, can you not be more proactive and maybe suggest that you pop in for a visit on your day off. That would be a start, and you can take things from there. I do think that you’ll have to accept that DIL’s parents will see the baby more - that’s just the way it is.

There's post after post about how Paternal nan doesn't see the baby as much as Maternal nan and that's because the daughter is closer to her own mom, not all the time granted but most of the time. If the relationship between DIL and MIL is poor or not close or whatever else before baby is born, its not going to magically get better just because she's had a baby.

So choosing to spend time with her mom when she's postpartum and her husband is back at work is completely normal for some new moms. Maybe she's struggling?

There's posts about it being 'equal' but it will never be equal, if DIL sees her mom twice, has she then got to see her MIL twice a week to balance it out?

Having four sons (two of whom have children) I know just how you feel. If you have a good relationship with your son you could mention it. However, there are few creatures in our culture who have more emotional power over their circle than a new mum! Yes, your daughter in law wants her mum, yes we are 'primeval' creatures, but we are also intelligent and hopefully considerate human beings. I do hope you soon get your turn. And for those people on here who say a baby is not a commodity, of COURSE it is not, but grandparents longing to be involved should not be labelled as selfish. If we're going to be totally unemotional, the baby does not belong to its parents, either. It's their responsibility to do what's best for baby which, arguably involves a relationship with all caring grandparents. I hope this evolves in time. For my part, my son who was married to the more cold, controlling woman is now divorcing her (for those reasons!) and I'm seeing loads more of his children, with the relationship improving as a result. Ok, not a desired outcome, but the point is...things change.

I feel your pain

It’s difficult Kavvy68, but there’s some really good advice on here. I hope it helps.
I always turned to my MiL, simply because my Mum lived 80 miles away. Besides, she still had two school age children and couldn’t just up and leave them. Did she feel offended? Yes she did-even though she knew the reasons.
Eventually, we would drive over and let her babysit whilst we went out, then camp overnight in the living room and drive back. I understand you feel hurt and I hope you manage to sort something out, but I never left mine overnight till they were 3 years old, so there’s time.

Kavvy hasn't posted time and time again about only wanting the baby PoppyBlue. She's only posted once with her OP, and where has anyone suggested that her d.i.l. is not allowed to visit her mum as often as she did before the baby was born?

Poppy blue
Spot on