Feeing left out

OK Smileless

Smileless2012

I meant having experienced it from Kavvy's perspective Bibbity.

I haven't seen any anger at the thought that the parents have made this decision together VS just concern that that may not be the case. I did suggest that by talking to her son she may feel happier if she knows it is a joint decision.

A far better approach to the thread IMO than references to below par care, and a child being regarded as a prize in a competition or the subject of pass the parcel.

The OPs perspective doesn't really matter here.
The one who is going through post partum does. The one who's baby this is.
And with regards to the son, 2 mins on MN or any mothers discussion page wi tell you about what is thought of men who don't back their post partum wives. Right now she is more Importnant. The baby is 12 weeks. Not 12 years.

I meant having experienced it from Kavvy's perspective Bibbity.

I haven't seen any anger at the thought that the parents have made this decision together VS just concern that that may not be the case. I did suggest that by talking to her son she may feel happier if she knows it is a joint decision.

A far better approach to the thread IMO than references to below par care, and a child being regarded as a prize in a competition or the subject of pass the parcel.

We don’t really have a lot of information and there could be all kinds of circumstances that make the difference, like distance.

If the DILs mum is not at work and can be dropped in on any time, then that’s very different to the OP who is only available on one specific day a week. Having a planned visit that you have got to get up and get ready for and get out to can be really stressful. At twelve weeks some days I was lucky if I got a shower let alone managed a visit😬

Also the OP says it feels like the other granny babysits lots but if she’s available most days it will be her they ask to babysit. I can’t really think they’re out lots of evenings. The babysitting could be so that the mum can go to the dentist or the hairdresser or maybe just meet up with a girlfriend for a chat during the day.

The OPs at work so she can’t be asked to that. So when they wanted an overnight sitter it would be natural to ask the person who’s been able to have the baby before.

I think the OP hasn’t taken into account that she’s really asking the the new mum and dad to fit in with her and be available when she is too.

If you want any decent realtionshop with grandchild do not ever damage a mother's post partum time.

This a million times over.

It's far better for a baby that young to have 1 babysitter instead of several.

Some families have 2,3 or 4 sets of grandparents, imagine the stress.

Being fair to everyone

Making sure everyone had the right equipment to take care of a newborn

Making sure every set followed the same routine

Even with 2 sets of grandparents that would be stressful.

Some mums don't even choose a parent they choose a sister or a close friend to be the primary babysitter at such a young age.

It's the parents decision, and they may have made this decision together.

just look at the anger on this post at any suggestion that mum and dad might be making the right choice to have just 1 babysitter at this age,

Now imagine the fallout you could create within a family that isn't yours by sharing the advice that mum is in the wrong here

I don't remember having (or expecting) anyone to babysit when I had my babies. Both sets of parents were some distance away and although both sets came to visit, and we visited them, none of them seemed that anxious to look after the little sprog! When they were older I joined a babysitting circle with other young mothers.

We are paternal grandparents and it the beginning it was just as you described. Now the DGC are bigger my DS and DIL make sure we see them equally despite my DiL’s parents are separated so there are three of us to keep happy.

Just hang in there and be supportive. Things change.

Smileless2012

^It left her body it's s damn site more her's than her grandparents^ but not a damn site more her's than the father's for if not for him, there would be no baby.

I hope unkind comments don't upset you Kavvy. So easy for some to judge when they've never experienced this and have no idea just how heartbreaking it can be.

Doodledog yes, cruel and unnecessary.

I have experienced it actually. And it's absolute hell everyone stomping their feet to get a piece of the baby you just birthed.

If you want any decent realtionshop with grandchild do not ever damage a mother's post partum time.

It left her body it's s damn site more her's than her grandparents but not a damn site more her's than the father's for if not for him, there would be no baby.

I hope unkind comments don't upset you Kavvy. So easy for some to judge when they've never experienced this and have no idea just how heartbreaking it can be.

Doodledog yes, cruel and unnecessary.

Hithere

No, it doesnt make the mother of the child "selfish" - the baby is not communal property

The son of the OP - again an innocent and passive bystander in this post (sarcasm on)

no I don't suppose I meant selfish in the traditional sense but I'm too tired myself to think of what word I do mean...dloing what works for you because it is just what works and you have no energy for anything else

I don't see how talking to your son will help, I think it will just make an awkward atmosphere. Especially as babysitting hasn't been accepted.

I agree with lunch. I didn't like going out for long when my baby was that age as he wouldn't settle, then he'd get overtired, plus you pack like you're going on a 2 week camping trip.

Maybe a light lunch? Invite them all, get DILs favourite bits in. Enjoy all their company. You don't say what your relationship is like with her?

Most good men will support their wives with what they feel comfortable and happy with when it comes to a newborn/baby/postpartum so don't take it personal. He's just being a good husband so take that as you did a good job!

The GPs having children does not come with the implicit agreement that their children's offspring will be involved with the gp in a manner satisfactory with the gp.

As parents, we give life without contracts.

Smileless2012

Goodness Bibbity why on earth are you suggesting that the care the OP would give her GC would be sub par care?

I was going to say that too, Smileless. It seems a very cruel and unnecessary comment. Please don't take it to heart, Kavvy68.

I agree that the baby is very little to be left with a babysitter, but I completely understand your feelings, as do others on here, so don't let unkind comments upset you.

Smileless2012

No, the baby isn't her's Bibbity the baby has two parents. She is not a single parent family.

It left her body it's a damn site more hers than a grenadparents.
And as the woman he chose to make a baby with I'd say he's more than happy with how she wants to do things. It's not her job to consider the paternal family. She is doing a wonderful job at forging the relationship between her family.

Mentioning trust and comfort is certainly preferable to referring too sub par care.

No, the baby isn't her's Bibbity the baby has two parents. She is not a single parent family.

Smileless2012

Goodness Bibbity why on earth are you suggesting that the care the OP would give her GC would be sub par care?

If the DIL is favouring her mother it is because that is where be trust and comfort is. That is what's important. She is leaving her child so she can do something. She can't do that if she is stressed or worried.

Goodness Bibbity why on earth are you suggesting that the care the OP would give her GC would be sub par care?

Smileless2012

But isn't just her life is it Bibbity it's her's, her husband's and her child's and for her husband and her child that includes his parents, their child's other GP's.

Lucca didn't say she was selfish.

No it's hers and as her baby right now only cares about her that's all that matters.

Her husband can do as he wishes. Whi h by the looks of things is what is happening.

But isn't just her life is it Bibbity it's her's, her husband's and her child's and for her husband and her child that includes his parents, their child's other GP's.

Lucca didn't say she was selfish.

Smileless2012

Well it's hardly in the same vein is not being invited to a party and I just don't understand when it comes to baby sitting for example, why one set of GP's are asked fairly regularly while the other set isn't asked at all.

That has nothing to do with the mother needing support from her mother, it's needing a baby sitter.

Because they are people. Individuals..
So one can very much be better than the other. And I would never leave my child with sub par care when there are better options available

Smileless2012

I agree Lucca. It's such a shame when the paternal GP's miss out and it has nothing to do with viewing a child as a competition prize, or the suggestion that for those GP's it's a game of pass the parcel.

It's about appreciating the fact that both sets of GP's want to be able to see their GC, and the mother needing the support of her own mother shouldn't, result in the exclusion of the other GP's.

The son's, the father's of these children need to step up.

Step up? He is in no way obligated to do anything. He very well may be happy that his wife and child have a wonderful network of support as it is.

Well it's hardly in the same vein is not being invited to a party and I just don't understand when it comes to baby sitting for example, why one set of GP's are asked fairly regularly while the other set isn't asked at all.

That has nothing to do with the mother needing support from her mother, it's needing a baby sitter.

Lucca

I just don’t get these women who have to have their mother around all the time…..even in the delivery room !

And why do they get their own way while the OH has to just accept it and get stuck in the middle ?

What a ridiculous post. She isn't selfish she's living her life with the relationships she wants.
She married 1 man and did not get lumped with his families relationships.

The delivery room is a place where only the woman matters. Her wishes her what's and her decisions. Everyone else can literally take a running jump. How wonderful that some women have extended support to get them through something so difficult