Feeing left out

I have 3 DiLs and one SiL.
It's different for all of them
First DGC was far away but I still felt envious of her parents who were very close. I mentioned this once to the other DG and she said "we only have them when they are ill"
While the DGC were at nursery, they often seemed to be poorly.
NextDS is the other side of the world so they've had no DGP and I have only spent a few weeks with him in his life. He's 10.
Next DiL once asked me to look after DGD for a few hours once. We always offered but they said no yet they pay babysitters so I could really develop paranoia
My DD lives 2 hours away so a bit far. I see them quite often and so does the other gran.
Their house is geared for children and there are 2 of them which makes a difference.
I hope you soon get to spend some time getting to know the baby.
It's an exciting time

I agree with your comments Norah and Lucca

I’m the paternal Gran and the maternal grandparents live 100 miles away so it isn’t an issue here. I am thankful that DIL is grateful we are close by for support and any help. We have always met up for a coffee etc and attended events together not just spent time with GC.

In your position OP I would say that you were available if they needed any help. Perhaps invite them all round for a family meal on a Sunday or a day to suit. Just hang in there. Just because things are like this now doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Things can and do change over the years. I have several friends with GC and both sets of grandparents help with looking after GC.

It’s early days and you all just need to give it time.

Is it excluding or it was not the plan to be involved at that level?
It is a matter of perception from either side

Example- you get a verbal invitation to a party, telling you to keep an eye in the mail but you never receive the formal one w/o an explanation -excluded

You are waiting for the invite but it never arrives and the host hasn't even mentioned anything to you or the party - you were not in the guest list at all, not excluded

I agree Lucca. It's such a shame when the paternal GP's miss out and it has nothing to do with viewing a child as a competition prize, or the suggestion that for those GP's it's a game of pass the parcel.

It's about appreciating the fact that both sets of GP's want to be able to see their GC, and the mother needing the support of her own mother shouldn't, result in the exclusion of the other GP's.

The son's, the father's of these children need to step up.

You will be a great mil, vs

Your daughterinlaw is probably exhausted and overwhelmed by her first baby and naturally wants the security and comfort of her Mum,,, just relax and stand back... if she's a nice person she will include you when she is ready. It's very early days and very easy to set up long lasting conflicts by having jealousy issues. I would tread very carefully....

How does a mum having a small babysitting circle mean she is getting her own way?

It's what is best for her and baby at just 12 weeks.

This isn't pass the parcel

I understand it must be difficult to be the maternal grandmother but if the baby is going to be viewed as the prize in a competition rather than a very young, individual child with their own needs... then it's just not a great start to life is it

I have 3 sons

I also absolutely love babies

But all I want for my children is to be happy and confident and if future DILs need their own mums at an exhausting and vulnerable time in their lives...

Good! That's what is best for them and baby and that makes me happy

I just don’t get these women who have to have their mother around all the time…..even in the delivery room !

And why do they get their own way while the OH has to just accept it and get stuck in the middle ?

No, it doesnt make the mother of the child "selfish" - the baby is not communal property

The son of the OP - again an innocent and passive bystander in this post (sarcasm on)

I suppose what I am trying to say is, it is better to try and see the best in everything rather than thinking anything is about you (especially in a negative way) sometimes new Mums just cope with what they can cope with. I've been quite honest on here about how useless I was and how I found everything overwhelming. I couldn't think outside that and I'm sure it wasn't anything to do with anyone else.
Things will settle down

I think having a new baby, having to work, getting no sleep etc also makes you a bit selfish just through having to be to survive iykwim but it may just have been me that had non sleeping difficult babies/children

I know my DiL will always be closer to her mum and dad than me and it always will be. But she wanted me to be involved just at much less level and I took and take my cue from that. I do think its more the"'norm".

I didnt want to be close to my mum at that point and MiL was very mentally ill so I guess I didn't have high expectations. Instead as young nervous mum I had good friendship circles.

Nevertheless, I feel your pain, I would like to be included in the "inner circle" more than I am, and sometimes talk to DS about it and that helps.

I also have a healthy WhatsAppchat/photos thing going with DiL.

How about gentle WhatsApp's to DiL "do send photos love to see them" as a way in,

and I think a quiet chat with your DS too emphasising the positive, "love to see a bit more".

Not, "*why cant we*

Blokes don't always think about these things until you spell it out and DS cant guess x

biglouis

Reading threads like these makes me so glad I never had children to be pulled this way and that by controlling parents and parents in law. Everyone wanting a piece of you!

Indeed.

It doesn't have to be thus. People could remember the difficult first few years with babies, back off, not insist on a "piece" of the new family.

I'm sure from what you have written that is no malice or intention in what is happening, it's just the baby is little. Try not to take it personal but I'm sure we all understand how you feel

Reading threads like these makes me so glad I never had children to be pulled this way and that by controlling parents and parents in law. Everyone wanting a piece of you!

It is a common problem for the paternal GP's Kavvy and understandable that this is upsetting you. Your offers to babysit not being taken on board probably wouldn't be an issue if the other GP's weren't doing so and had also had the baby over night.

I think mentioning this to your son is a good idea. As Theexwife has said, this is his child too. He may be quite happy with the current arrangement and not given it a great deal of thought, or he might be having concerns about his parents seeing very little of their GC.

You might feel better about this if you know that this is also what your son wants for now, and not just your d.i.l.

Kavvy

This is very common in this board, sadly

Did you talk to your son and dil about how the envisioned your role as a gm?
Expectations are, a lot of times, the cause for feeling left out, when truly, they other party doesnt think it is the case - they include you on their terms

The baby is only 3 months old and your dil prefers her support network, it is natural

When a gp keeps suggesting they can babysit, the intention is clear - I want to see the baby

They know you can babysit so please let them come back to you with a request

The more you offer, the more you may be putting them off

Comparing yourself with the other grandparent is a losing battle.
Baby is not a timeshare that follows "fair" conditions

Relax and wait - it will pay off

The relationship with the grandchild is there because of the pre existing relationship with the parent.

So how often did your son come to visit you/ engage with you prior to the baby being born?

Oh dear. Very early days.

I think uneven treatment of paternal and maternal family is a myth, and a silly myth at that. It's down to getting along.

Mum was lovely as was mil. I very much wanted to be with my family and my husband advocated for his family, we visited both in equal measure.

Neither of us declared our mum as babysitter. In fact, neither was a babysitter. We decided, between ourselves, what was best for our family.

Allow your son and his wife to make their choices. They aren't choosing anything to upset you, nor are they choosing independently of each other.

I’ve pm’d you Calendargirl

Your DIL takes herself and her baby to see her mom. Her mom will want to see both of them not just the baby.

Did you see alot of your DIL on her own before she had the baby?

My DD is married to an Australian, we haven’t met up in real life for 5 years, due to Covid and just life in general.

I know my DH would love to spend Christmas over there, (not this year). Last time we were there for Christmas our elder GS was 2 months old, he is now 20!

What puts me off is although they are not too far from the in laws, they don’t see much of them, (in laws choice) but usually have them over for Christmas lunch.

If we were to go for Christmas again, it would be nice to see DD, her DH and the 3 (nearly grown up) GC on our own, without the in laws being there, but her husband seems to think his parents and brother should still be invited, although they can be seen anytime.

If that makes me seem selfish, then yes, I am. If the boot were on the other foot, I would be quite happy to take a back seat for once.

When I look back I was always very very close to my maternal grandparents and only saw my paternal grandparents for a couple of hours a week on a family visit
I went out a lot and stayed over with my maternal grandparents and never did with my paternal we all lived in the same town
Roll on a generation I definitely turned to my own mum for everything I had a wonderful relationship with my mum in law who lived 130 miles away but only saw her now and then
And now another generation
My own son lives the other side of the globe so I ve only seen those grandkids a few times in their life We have all accepted these dynamics and the only time I ve felt sad and annoyed
(maybe jealous) was when I was visiting my son and family for three weeks their second child was 8 months old… one day my son said his wife and his work scheduled was 30 minutes apart was I ok having the little chap for that 30 minutes I said I d love to , within seconds of him leaving for work the maternal grandmother who lives near them swept in, said hello picked the little chap up and said I ll look after him, I was really upset and really felt I never wanted to hear her name again Anyway of course I survived, my son was really annoyed but we kept it under wraps as I didn’t want him falling out with his in laws over it but it was nasty

That's not how parenting works Theexwife

Parents even if they are apart should be making joint decisions.

If mum isn't comfortable with x babysitting, then it is a no. If dad isn't comfortable with y babysitting, then it is a no.

Telling the dad here in any way that he can just overrule mum is a recipe for disaster

mother and young