Feeing left out

Kavvv68-

"Why do you choose one grandparent over another to watch your kids?'
There are so many reasons why they will choose to leave a child with one set of parents over another. There are things you may not even realize. Let me run down a few that I have heard in my 39 years of being a parent. I am not saying these are any that you do. It is just one of those parent decision things that I have always been curious about. I have asked this question many times to other mothers and even my own Bio-daughters who prefer me over another grandparent.
My Step-children don't leave their kids here with me & my husband, because we live right on the lake. That is okay. I get their fear even though I have eagle eyes on the kids when they are here and alarms for all doors.

I wouldn't be too hard on them or yourself. DIL will always prefer her mom over you if that is the road they have chosen. It is what it is. When I was a child, I never spent the night with one of my grandmothers because of some of the reason below, but I loved her anyway and enjoyed my day visit with her.

1. The are older and I don't feel comfortable.
2. They live near a water source, ie. Coy Pond, Swimming Pool, Lake, River.
3. Their pet growls, bite, threatens, is mean or ill behaved, but they don't see it.
4. Oh, the house is unsafe....busy road, smokers, unlocked cabinets, door open all the time, stairs, chemicals stored improperly.
4. The house is too cluttered, disorganized, dirty, pet hair everywhere.
5. They were harsh, strict, neglectful, hit or spanked someone as a child.
6. Known by parents or unknown abuse happened.
7. I just am not comfortable with the way they are with the baby. It is just a feeling.
8. I just won't consider it ever being an option...no reason given.
9. They have an adult child living at their home.
10. Baby is too young, but will consider later.
11. They are ill in some why...physical or mental

Instead of getting your feelings hurt, just wait about a year or so and then ask if there is something you can do or change so that the child can stay with you. I am actually a bit shocked that they are already leaving the baby as much as it seems they are. They must be itching to get out and about which isn't a great sign of things to come as far as I am concerned.

Old thread, two years ago.

My grandson is 6 months old. I understand the entire fourth trimester. The need for a Mum to be always near her newborn. Especially with breastfeeding. However, if a baby is bottle fed, there is more of an opportunity for others to help. As a paternal Grandmother, who is a widow, having a Grandchild has been a blessing.
I really don’t understand why my son is not allowed to take the baby out alone. I am allowed to visit their home and see my Grandson. But my son is not trusted to bring him to see me. My Dil has made it clear she does not like me. So she goes out while I visit. I don’t involve myself with their personal relationship or how they raise the baby. Her Mum does. Yet, since the baby was born I have felt left out and segregated. I voiced how pushed out I felt, and this has caused me being pushed away even further.
My son feels hurt that she does not trust him to take his son out alone to see anyone or even to the supermarket. It all seems a bit strange

Yes its tough, you poor thing. Im rejected on and off by my 2 year old GD. It hurts but all the advice seems to be time, space and just show love. Perhaps talk to your son if you think it will help. Good luck

lemsip

gracie11
where Did You Find This Post From NOV 2022...

*Yes the OP is Nov 2022*

Rhere have been responses throughout 2023 into 2024.

gracie11
where Did You Find This Post From NOV 2022...

Yes the OP is Nov 2022

The previous posters who recommend speaking to the son are asking for big trouble. That is the perfect way to come between man and wife (a cardinal sin) and it also puts the son in a state of flux. He may be so exasperated as a new Dad that he will reduce contact still further to minimise the hassle and niggling. If DIL gets wind of your "quiet word" she will forever remember it as duplicity and won't lightly, if ever, forgive you.

Georgesgran

Reported.

Which posts. The advertising or the Bot who posted after 😉

Reported.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Your post has me crying at “heartbroken “ this is how I often feel but I don’t tell anyone only my DH 😢

I’ve got two daughter in-laws whom I love but unfortunately there is a disconnect with them towards me that with one of them I get so hurt with actions and comments …
I feel like saying “ you don’t understand how heartbreaking it is when dad and I don’t get the same amount of time and connection with X
It’s a hurt I’ve never felt before. However I am determined not to cause a scene or be the villain of the piece you know ? …
One of our grandchildren lives quite near whereas the other 2 live further …
Does it get better ? … they are all under 4 atm and one is particularly attached to us but will be living in another country soon as they have overseas connections through mum … they want them to get a better education which we understand but are upset at the same time
I am treading on egg shells all the time
We love them all and I would never stress our boys out with how we feel …
( ironically I’ve been through this with my own in-laws and I would be mortified if I was viewed like them …(‘I’ve learned a big lesson in my time)

Heartbroken is the word
I feel envious and guilty that the maternal grandmother and grandfather are getting loads and loads of time .. and guilty again as they are older than us and want them to enjoy our babies … constant state of flux

We feel extremely blessed to be grandparents but was not prepared for the many lows of not as much engaments and enjoyment

To be blunt it bl**dy hurts and badly 🥺

Have you tried inviting them to your place? You don't say you have, so it might be a good idea.

But honestly, your DIL and son have hardly had time to realise they are parents yet. The first twelve weeks of a baby's life are usually total chaos for new parents. Please, give them a chance to get used to this enormous change in their life.

So your DIL goes to her mother with the child, well yes, she knows exactly what she can and cannot say to her own mother, but does she know the same about you?

IMO a twelve week old infant should not be left overnight with a grandmother, whether the one or the other. What on earth were the child's parents doing or thinking?

Hi there, I am so sorry to hear this. You must be devastated.
Its early days, but if this continues talk to your son. What is your relationship like with your daughter in law?
Good luck. Keep posting your progress, hopefully things will improve for you. X

Grandparents should realise that they have no rights to any relationship with their grandchildren at all. It is entirely dependent on what the parents want, or don't want and how they relate.

So relax and accept what is offered and don't hanker after what you are not being offered.

This thread is over a year old, I think the op has probably sorted her problem

I’m a maternal grandmother and I feel I’m not wanted by my dd. Me and her father gave her a lovely upbringing and now she ignores us and has gone over to her mil. I have tried everything to keep us intouch as I love my grandchildren but she is not interested and I believe she does not want us in her life. I know how you feel and it is truly heartbreaking

Just realised I had already answered this one once 😂

Unfortunately a son is a son til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life (as the saying goes).

Women are (generally) very close to their mothers - their mothers raised them, wiped their tears, were their biggest cheerleaders and there is a lifetime of memories and trust there that is a completely different relationship to the one she will have with a mother-in-law who didn't appear in her life until adulthood. Therefore it makes a lot of sense that a woman would naturally navigate towards the most trusted woman in her life whilst trying to navigate parenthood (same as I'm sure your son would go to his dad before DIL's dad). When she visits her mother; it's not just about grandparent access to the grandchild, it's about mother and daughter spending time together.

On top of this, I'm sure you remember that when a baby comes along, that maternal instinct kicks in. You feel super cautious with everyone around your baby (it's a completely natural and normal instinct) and leaving your baby can come with all levels of anxiety and worry, so again it makes sense that she would want the most trusted woman in her life to watch her child above others.

I understand your son is a parent to this child too but she's the one that carried the baby for 9 months and went through all the physical and hormonal changes, she was the one who went depleted of energy as the baby took the nutrients they needed from her body, she's the one who put her life on the line to give birth and then had to deal with all the physical and hormonal issues afterwards ... meanwhile your son was a spectator. On top of that, when children are here, it's normally the woman who takes the main childcare role so she will do whatever feels comfortable for her.

The best thing you can do is firstly, stop the comparisons and tally chart re who gets more time with the grandchild. This is a baby, not a sports match - things don't have to be 'fair' or 'equal'

It's disappointing to hear but it's the natural way that things are - all you can do is be kind and supportive to your DIL. Don't be overbearing or push for more frequent visits, offer help where you can (not just with the baby) and make her feel secure, You could tell her that you would be happy to babysit if ever she would like you to but also say that if she feels she's not ready for that yet then you completely understand. If she does ask you to babysit, ask about baby's schedule and if there's anything else you need to follow while the baby is with you (she needs to know any boundaries will be respected)

It's hard not to feel disappointed but she may come round if you approach it in the right way.

Your daughter in law wants her own mother- it as simple as that.

I think I meant this for the other thread on exclusion but never mind.

The nuclear family is vastly overrated - relationships are hard work, work is tiring, housework is boring (not about curating your spice jars as on instagram), babies grow up and become less cute. That’s when the ‘village to raise a child’ comes into its own; more people around you who love you and support you, who will listen to your moaning and have a laugh about life’s ups and downs. People who will mop your floors and bake you a cake when you feel crap. As grannies it may be different to what we had or expected but I guess we need to just go with the flow, swallow our feelings and wait till we are useful. Sometimes that comes sooner than we (or they) expect!

@Lucca because a woman’s mother has been around her entire life, even longer than her partner. She’s nurtured and taken care of her daughter and her daughter is likely her number 1 priority, even over the baby … that’s why.

Women often have a very close relationship with their own mothers because they have spent their entire lives with them, have been nurtured and loved by them for their entire lives and have built up a lifetime of memories and trust.

This is not a competition between grandparents or about ‘who gets to see the baby more’

It is likely the maternal grandmothers number 1 priority will be her daughter with the baby coming in a close 2nd.

When your son and daughter got together, they agreed to create a new, nuclear family together so unfortunately you just need to give them space to make decisions for their nuclear family.

It’s ok to offer to babysit but it’s also ok for DIL not to feel comfortable for her new baby to stay with you because you do not have the history with her that her own mother does.

You need to just let them make decisions for themselves and be as supportive as you can. Continue to ask if there’s any support they need from you (and not just as far as the baby is concerned - maybe they may appreciate the offer of a cooked meal being brought over?)

I know it feels unfair but this is a new baby and you have many years of memories to build.

I have 2 sons and 5 grandchildren.
i always feel left out and spend a lot of time upset by it. however, I don’t think I help myself. my eldest 2 grandchildren ( until recently) have lived abroad. we have done ok to communicate over facetime/whatsapp. my other 3 children live in London. however, due to stressful situations I have fallen out with both Daughter in Laws. thankfully not at the same time. i sympathise with anybody else in the same situation.