Anxiety before looking after my grandchildren

I do think that part of the difficulty is that as long as we carry on as we always have done, our children dont recognise, or choose to acknowledge ,that as we get older, we are still the same sensible intelligent people we have always been, but get tired more quickly, and may have some mobility problems that we didnt have before. We notice these things ourselves and within our own lives we make whatever adjustments that are needed, whether that is having more rests or reluctantly giving up ski ing or skating or whatever. Whilst we may not broadcast these changes to all and sundry, we come round to doing them as we need to.

It seems that it might be time to have a think about how much you are being relied upon, for what length of time etc. Then look at your "normal" day when the grandchildren are not with you, and if you see that you now have a rest every afternoon, or no longer go from shopping onto something else but try and deal with one major job a day, then it is time to talk to your children.

They should see that you are talking about it because you do want to keep being involved in the grandchildrens lives and that you very much enjoy your time with them, but that you dont spend a whole day doing energetic things one after another these days , and that apart from the odd emergency situation where you need to come to the rescue, that being able to help out and spend time looking after them, has to be balanced by some commonsense.

As for your children giving you rules and orders as to what and how the grandchildren should have and do whilst they are with you. Well obviously such things as allergies to foods or clothes need to be stuck to, but as to what you do, so long as you dont spend the day filling them up with sweets and sat in front of tv watching violence, then your place your choice. You could remind your child that they seem to have survived being brought up by you, and you have had the brains and the intelligence to negotiate life for more than 60 or 70 years, so other than necessities, if they do not like the way you spend the day with the grandchildren then they need to find childminders who will go by their rules, as they will be being paid for it. We all want to help our families, but as it happened I was never anywhere near my family when my son was growing up, and made plans with other mothers to help each other out, and worked out my own system.

To me, it really does seem as though these days children think they have the right to take over your life and expect you to leave your own interests and pursuits to suit them. That their wish to follow their own interests or that they want to buy a property which means they both have to work full time and make an assumption that you can come at the drop of a hat and rescue them , when they have not had the forethought to work out possible ways to deal with any situations that arrive. Whilst we want to help our families we also should have that proper granny/grandchild time to enjoy each others company and find out things that we like doing together, not feeling that anxiety and weariness that can occur when we are asked to do too much. The majority of us have managed our own way through life bringing up our children with probably less labour saving gadgets and have done our best. We should not be making life easier for our children, by getting overtired and anxious looking after the grandchildren as a necessary job rather than a pleasure to be enjoyed .

I’m very glad to have found this thread too. I’m 77 and sometimes look after a sensitive nine year old and a very boisterous three year old. I was hyper vigilant when they were babies though not overly worried; but I’m getting more and more anxious as I get older. I lay awake practically all last night worrying about a tricky train journey back to her home involving three trains and a rail replacement bus with the older child who felt faint and bus sick on the outward journey. I went though all the “what’s the worst that can happen” and “it’ll probably be fine” scenarios but it didn’t do the trick. There seemed to be a worry chemical in my brain that wouldn’t drain away! Trying to be rational doesn’t seem to work.

I am a step-granny. My husband has 3 boys from his first marriage and all are now married with kids. All the GCs are adults or teenagers now except for the youngest who is coming up to 5 years old. Even though he is a delightful little boy I always experience a feeling of dread when we are due to babysit. This is despite every occasion in the past being perfectly fine and indeed often enjoyable. I do not consciously worry about him coming to harm or stuff like that. I think it is just that I have never wanted children myself - so maybe I feel like a fraud? Or maybe I resent the time I have to spend doing it? Even though we are both retired and don’t have lots of pressure on our time. I am so very lucky to be part of a family where all the Cs and GCs are genuinely lovely and all get on well together and with their father and me. I also find that I am the one who actually plays with him and talks to him about what he wants to talk about. My husband likes to read to him before bed and watch TV but he is not very active with him which is a shame as he has lots of interests he could engage the lad in. Maybe I resent my husband’s approach rather than the babysitting? Are there any other step-grans out there?

Imp glad I found this thread, as I thought I was a terrible grandma for having such feelings of anxiety before my Grandaughters visits, but it seems it is more normal than I thought.

Could have written this myself! Glad it’s not just me. I like to think it’s because we are sensible, caring, realistic, intelligent people and it is a huge responsibility to look after someone else’s child and not always what we want to do in our later years!

When we looked after our grandchildren during the week our children used to tell me what our grandchildren should eat, they told us when they should have a nap, they told us not to get paint and glitter on their clothes etc. etc.

We told our children that what happens at grandmas, stays at grandmas and if they didn't like it they could pay for child care.

We were not stupid, we knew which foods they liked, we changed them into play clothes to keep their own clothes clean but apart from that we had fun. Our children knew our grandchildren had fun with us because they were always asking to visit us.

If children want their parents to look after their grandchildren for free then they keep their noses out because we grandparents are not stupid, we know what our grandchildren like and dislike.

A friend of mine looked after her grandchildren and their parents gave them a list of do's and don'ts, she said it was so stressful keeping to the list. Ridiculous. Unless they have allergies then just let them be children. Or like I said, pay for childcare and I am darned sure they won't do that.

I too used to get so anxious before they actually turned up at our home but once they were here, we were too busy to bother about anything apart from having fun.

Oh yay! Others who feel this too! I’m caring for my 2.5 and 6 month old granddaughters 2-3 days a week and sometimes I feel so anxious while I’m caring for them! I feel guilty if I let the 2 year old watch tv or play on her tablet (because parents have made comments and they try to limit time on devices which I do understand) but sometimes I need a break! I try so hard to keep her busy with other activities and going outside. I love these girls so much but truth be told as much as I love them I don’t really love taking care of very small kids; I wasn’t a fan of this stage with my own. The 2 year old is really sweet and she’s very well behaved and her meltdowns are very short lived so I feel very blessed in that regard. I’m having more fun with her now as she’s more verbal and engaging.
I retired when the oldest was 3 months old and volunteered to do this part time but it’s really hard sometimes and sometimes I’d just rather be somewhere else - there! I said it! 😂

Wow Linnypie - I couldn’t believe it when your comment came up - I’m so so happy you’ve put this post up - I’ve been having a few anxiety issues lately with menopause and hormone changes and since then I’ve had so much anxiety about having to look after my grandson one day a week - I start feeling awful before I pick him up thinking how am I going to manage for the whole day - what if I faint or am ill - I feel absolutely ridiculous thinking this way because he’s always absolutely fine - think it maybe an age thing and it’s definitely much harder looking after someone else child

I think part of it is age related. We know we aren't naturally quite as agile, strong, quick etc as when we had our own children. It may also point to the fact that as grandparents we’re not really meant/designed to be doing extended childcare. We’ve done that a long time ago and perhaps our natural role at this stage is to relax and enjoy the grandchildren rather than step back into a parental role!

Imarocker

Please all calm down. The only accident any of my three grandchildren had growing up happened to one of them when they were in the care of their parents and it was way more serious than anything that ever happened to my DC when they were growing up.

It's worse when they're your DGC, though, because they're your responsibility when you are looking after them but they're not your children.

Witzend

I used to get anxious when first looking after baby Gd1 for the day - what if I had a stroke or something when she was in the bath, or was carrying her downstairs? (I was 67 when she was born, so not exactly a spring chicken).

Luckily the anxiety did wear off after a while.

Yes, I understand this feeling as it has often crossed my mind when looking after my twin grandsons what would happen if something happened to me!

When they were babies I never carried both of them together in case I fell and even now I have to watch out for toys tripping me up.

It is such a big responsibility . Both of them were flinging themselves about on the sofa yesterday, both giggling and having fun but I was a nervous wreck in case they missed the sofa and landed on the tiled floor.

I’ve got them from this afternoon until Saturday while their mum is abroad so wish me luck!😄

It doesn't help when someone says please calm down. It's more challenging when your mind races ahead and creates the catastrophe. The OP was looking for ideas and support. Telling her and others to 'calm down' isn't being supportive. I hope that you have received ideas here OP

While taking them out, I never took my eyes off them for a second. It was tricky when the twin boys were young in the park, beach or shopping. One would go one way and the other in the opposite direction. But we coped and they survived.

Please all calm down. The only accident any of my three grandchildren had growing up happened to one of them when they were in the care of their parents and it was way more serious than anything that ever happened to my DC when they were growing up.

Thank heavens I have found this thread. I literally wake up at night with thoughts of ‘what ifs’. I look after my DGS 1 day a week, and I love it but I am so anxious leading up to that one day. I’d love to take him into London (he’s not 3 yet) but I’m terrified something will happen.

Thank you so much for starting this thread, I’m so glad I’m not alone in feeling like this.

It's normal to feel more anxious about your grandchildren than you did about your own.
We know how precious our granddaughter is to her parents, and when she was younger I was always worried about something happening to her while she was in my care
Fortunately, the worst was a fall on the pavement resulting in a grazed knee.
Now that she is going on eleven, I don't worry so much. (Just a bit).

I used to get anxious when first looking after baby Gd1 for the day - what if I had a stroke or something when she was in the bath, or was carrying her downstairs? (I was 67 when she was born, so not exactly a spring chicken).

Luckily the anxiety did wear off after a while.

Mine are all grown up now, in spite of my worrying when they were young, they all survived ok. I do recall being very concerned when I was in charge of them, aware of the huge responsibility. There were a few little mishaps but nothing too serious, thank goodness.

I am getting anxious about being asked to look after GC and falling down the stairs with them, I’m hypermobile and my knee has given way on the stairs a few times so carrying a baby downstairs is a big no for me. Thing is this is crazy, there aren’t any GC on the horizon so it’s something that may never happen!

Oh gosh. Glad I dont. Though most of mine are still young, and we tend to babysit while kids in bed and parents gone out for the evening.

I make sure, and they do too, that we know all the "rules".
Know what they like to eat etc.
I bought a more up to date first aid book recently.
I have lots of toys available.

I wonder if it is age related? I find I have a tendency to catastrophise now when I never did when younger. That, and I'm looking after children who are not mine creates anxiety. I give myself a good talking to and run through the 'what ifs' with questions and answers which seems to help.

I think it's natural to feel a bit anxious looking after precious GCs. I looked after 2 of my GCs for 3 days a week for 11 years and few of the 'what ifs' happened and when a few minor ones did I coped as I did with my own children.

I never used to get anxious but now I find I wake in the night with worries of all sorts for example if the family is coming I’m anxious about what to feed them, or what we should do when they’re here! Absolutely ridiculous but it seems to be getting worse. Why is this?

I always had "What on earth would I say to their parents?" in the back of my mind when my GS's were little. Now they're pretty much self sufficient I'm not so bothered.