Missing grandaughter so much

As a retired family solicitor my brother would say the same about his experience Iam. Solicitors and family court judges doing their best in some extremely difficult, stressful and upsetting circumstances.

My long experience leads me to the same conclusion about solicitors and family court judges.

VioletSky, you asked Rosie why she felt the need to clarify as you’d already made the point. So have many others. It really isn’t always all about you. I try to avoid getting into nonsense exchanges, or irritable responses but - there are many posters with person and/or personal experiences of helping separated parents reach the best solution for their children

Thanks Norah. We do our best. And in my personal experience family court judges are kind and compassionate.

icanhandthemback We could have petitioned the court without legal help and represented ourselves. The courts aren't out to "get you" in these circumstances, they just want the best for the child.

As it should be and as this chap could likely do. My brother is a solicitor, the court nor a solicitor isn't out to "get" anyone. That whole thought is misguided, people in law want to uphold the law. Solicitors are good people, doing good work (with I suppose some rare exceptions).

I don't know why you felt the need to clarify that to me because I've already said it's not a good choice.

Dad has a financial obligation to his child he is not fulfilling, even if he simply offered the £7 a week he would be obliged to send while unemployed.

Both parents need to come together to co-parent effectively.

It is the child who matters here

The way a child is impacted depends on good co-parenting
agreed, which definitely does not include withholding access for any reason other than a safeguarding issue.

It's come a long way

It's wonderful that both parents can get 50/50 custody.

In order for that though they have to be able to co-parent effectively and they have to have good communication and make joint decisions about:

School locations
Clubs
Social invites on the others week
Childcare if both work for holidays
Medical appointments
Their own living location
How benefits are claimed

So insulting the other will never lead to effective coparenting, even if that is weekends or every other weekend.

Both need to be in a position to not cause stress on the other and to relieve stress on the other, like if one parent becomes ill and the other needs to step in and do more.

The way a child is impacted depends on good co-parenting

Good post icanhandthemback.

Thank you icanhandthemback for sharing your experience. It’s an accurate representation if the family courts

There’s nothing to suggest the child’s father has been living in a bed sit for 5 years, or that the couple have been separated for five years.

The OP says only that her grandchild has been staying with her at weekends since she was born 5 years ago.

For 5 years? He's been in a bedsit 5 days a week and stays with his mom at weekends so he can see his daughter?
For 5 years?Could he not move in? Maybe be abit more stable?

He is an adult. He has a right to live his life in his own bedsit.

Ive just looked up paternal rights and one point is they need to 'Provide a home for a child' so possibly court order/ paternal rights aren't valid here?

He does, it is at his mother's. This is perfectly reasonable in the eyes of the Court if he chose to go before the Judge. However, parents are actively encouraged to come to reasonable access amongst themselves and the courts prefer not to "define access." They will however if the resident parent denies access or goes out to scupper the other parent's access. The only thing the court will want to know is that the child is going to somewhere they will be safe and will only consider suitability if the resident parent complains.

Which means maintenance is questionable?

In the UK, maintenance is an entirely separate issue to access. I am living testimony to being a resident parent who never got a penny in maintenance but the father would have got access regardless.

Why mom gets the final say?

Nope, that is not how it works as far as the court is concerned.

In the UK, both parents have equal rights in as much as they have rights at all. Everything is decided on the basis of the child's interests, not the parents. The court will give one parent Residency but that is no longer intended to mean custody. It just means that at the end of the access period, the child must be returned to its residential address.

We were led to believe that it would be expensive and time consuming to get Defined Access but in fact, it wasn't. The Judge was really kind and the DIL's solicitor helped us with protocol when our solicitor (who came from a different area) couldn't attend. We could have petitioned the court without legal help and represented ourselves. The courts aren't out to "get you" in these circumstances, they just want the best for the child.

Unless the OP returns, we'll never know for certain will we VS.

*You’re talking about your own situation PoppyBlue. You know your own details - you don’t know very much at all about the OP’s family circumstances.

So yeah - best not to project*

No I'm talking about inflation and state school trips and projects. Bless your heart thinking they won't increase in price. Fresh air will over that.

Smileless2012

I did post earlier that some of the disparaging comments made about the OP's son may have put her off returning.

Could just as easily been the disparaging comments about the DIL, OP may have realised there would be some unobjective advice

I did wonder if the son has health problems and needing support - or is unfit for work - and some of the tougher comments therefore simply off target - but if we don't know - and in addition its in the States not the UK - we are just guessing right through.

I did post earlier that some of the disparaging comments made about the OP's son may have put her off returning.

You’re talking about your own situation PoppyBlue. You know your own details - you don’t know very much at all about the OP’s family circumstances.

So yeah - best not to project.

I agree Wyllow. I posted on the English legal framework in response to posters suggesting separated parents need written court agreements. No, they don’t. They need to be responsible and child centred

This has been gong for 7 pages and the O/P has not posted or clarified, but the use of "mom" in the O/P makes me wonder if we are discussing a case in the USA not the UK despite the figures being stated in ££££.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is for real because there have been genuine, and caring requests for essential additional information in order to help.

Everything you’ve said is prejudice and guesswork PoppyBlue.

He might be able to afford a Kitkat. Apologies.

I've got a child, not much older than OPS and every year there's a Vday disco and a trip before half term because ciruculum? And I think a trip just after? Easter holidays?

Anway. This year its cost £30 so far in Feb.

That £50 a week is a lot. That's not even mentioning the school uniform she's grown out of? The shoes? The Netflix for her favourite shows? The food bill? The gas and electric?

That's all on mom. So yeah.

It often seems to be overlooked during these discussions that it's the child who has the rights Iam regardless of how many times it's said.

The withdrawal of Legal Aid unless domestic abuse is alleged has certainly left a lot of mums and dads disadvantaged and struggling to make the best of difficult circumstances.

Everything you’ve said is prejudice and guesswork PoppyBlue.

The Children Act is the legislation used in family law. It’s premise is the welfare of the child is paramount, parents have duties, responsibilities, the child has rights.
Unless it’s an emergency application, which are rare, before the parents attend a directions hearing, they’re likely to be advised to mediate.
Cafcass, the Children and Family Advisory and Support Services will provide appointments with the applicant, the resident parent and meet the children. In many cases this work leads to further meetings and the case doesn’t need to go to court. The aim of this initial work is to assess and where appropriate mediate. Avoiding protracted court proceedings, that often exacerbate conflict has to be the aim.

Legal Aid is no longer available in the family courts (good old austerity), unless domestic abuse is alleged, confirmed by police, medical, social work records. As a result, parties have to muddle through, representing themselves, with guidance from the judge on law.

Smileless2012 you haven't read that the dad isn't offering out of any benefits he may be claiming have you. The £50 he paid may have come from his benefits.

OP said "Two weeks ago my son had missed a child maintenance payment -- mom stopped her coming to see us. Two weeks later, my son paid Luna’s mom £50 on Wednesday. --- mom has stopped her coming here again as she wants another £100. My son hasn’t got that much money he is at the moment out of work."

You may be correct, perhaps it never occurred to him to offer part to his benefits, at least the £7.

Well done him. Another mum hard done by dad.

Bet she's fuming! which could explain why she's stopped the contact PoppyBlue. Acting out of anger and not in the best interests of her child

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA stop it. She's paying for everything. She's literally the only person who has the best interest of that kid.
He can't even afford a Kitkat.