Missing grandaughter so much

The priority is a safe and secure environment for children to live in which usually results in the mother and children remaining in the matrimonial/family home.

This often results in one of the parents usually the father, having to continue contributing to a mortgage, upkeep of the home and financial support of the children, leaving little to set up a home of their own.

Glorianny

Many fathers finish up in accommodation which isn't suitable for their children because they choose to allow the mother to remain in the family home and can't afford to rent or buy anything big enough themselves. So it isn't necessarily bad parenting to live somewhere unsuitable.
Whatever the details of this dispute at the heart of it is a little girl who needs both her parents and her grandmother. I wonder if your son has been to mediation Yvonne57 perhaps the parents need help to sort out their relationship and access to their child.

Don't you mean they choose to allow their children to remain in the family home?

The best arrangements I have seen is where the parents have joint custody and the adults respect their child's right to love each parent equally. Each adult respects the other parent's right to make decisions concerning their children when in their custody and work together to resolve difficulties. Of course, it is rare because if they were able to do this in the first place, they probably wouldn't end up divorced! But, I have seen it in action.

Unfortunately many mothers consider the children to be "hers" with Dad being somebody to blame for everything. I have met many men who would willingly step up to the mark if given the chance.
Even though my son did his absolute best in the circumstances (and wanted to do far more) he couldn't do anything about the constant drip of misinformation. He would have never bad mouthed the mother of his child. It was only when his son sent him a copy of a report by an Ed Psych that he realised how much he was being blackened. The cheating mother who was deliberately not using contraception knowing my son wanted the relationship on a better footing before he had another child, became the abandoned mother. His defined access visits became "forcing the child to see his father," even though nothing had ever been voiced. The damage to that little boy has been immense and now he is an adult, he and his Dad are working on their relationship with my son diplomatically trying to broach the truth in a kind way.

Yes it can be spite, because of issues in the parental relationship, but the parent with physical custody has the power to be 'difficult' and other than returning to court there isn't much the other parent can do.

Surely the only good reason to withdraw contact is if there's genuine concern regarding the welfare of the child(ren). If not, it's done out of spite with the welfare of any children caught up way down the list of priorities.

Withdrawing contact when there is disagreement was very common when I was working. Sometimes for good reason, other times just because they could. In the middle of it all are the children.

Yvonne, her GD and son are being punished.

Thanks to Hetty58 and Glorianny for your posts. This little 5 year old needs her parents to make the best they can of their circumstances, with her needs as their focus.
Many families, including mine, have faced the difficulties that arise when parents separate. Ours, like Hetty58, did all we could to help keep things running smoothly for the sake of the children.

Many fathers finish up in accommodation which isn't suitable for their children because they choose to allow the mother to remain in the family home and can't afford to rent or buy anything big enough themselves. So it isn't necessarily bad parenting to live somewhere unsuitable.
Whatever the details of this dispute at the heart of it is a little girl who needs both her parents and her grandmother. I wonder if your son has been to mediation Yvonne57 perhaps the parents need help to sort out their relationship and access to their child.

Yvonne57, I remember my daughter saying she'd stop my grandson from seeing his dad - as the support payments had stopped. She was angry, not thinking logically.

I said that the visits and payments were two different matters, it would be cruel to suddenly stop him seeing his dad and grandparents - and could make him feel insecure.

She calmed down, had a good think about it and had to agree.

When his dad was back in work, he paid extra to make up for the shortfall. They are still very close and it was so good that the wider family have stayed in touch, too.

icanhandthemback

^Your son needs to get a job and support his child properly.^

We have no idea about his limitations in this area and if he has none, why assume he isn't trying. He's obviously paid his way for 5 years but suddenly the mother must have had enough.

OP said "He is at the moment out of work"

It is a red flag he is not able to provide his own home environment for his child

What if grandma wasn't here to "save the day"?
What would this father do?

I wonder how many weekends we are talking about and what kind of a father he was when the child was not with him - before the mother stopped the weeekend arrangement

Apart from the maintenance, is your son attempting to find his own place, after 5 years? A place where he can weekend with his daughter properly?

Maybe he is paying enough maintenance when he works not to be able to afford better. Maybe he is in a low paid job as many are. He won't get the tax credits, benefits that Mum will to help him.

If staying with Gran works out for everybody, what's wrong with that?

It is not the responsibility of Yvonne57 to give her son a loan or pay the maintenance. My ex never paid a penny in maintenance for my kids and his mother certainly wouldn't have done. However, I never denied him access for this reason. The person it would have hurt was his daughter who adored him. ` The poor 5 year old seems to have been completely forgotten in all this.

My son hasn’t got that much money he is at the moment out of work.

Callistemon21 But your DGD's Mum still has to house and feed her - presumably she needs that maintenance payment. It is distressing for you but can you help him out and pay in the meantime and make sure he takes any job while he looks for something permanent?

Precisely what do you expect GD mum to use for food, rent, clothing, if your DS missed maintenance payments(s)? Is this the first miss? I agree with Callistemon21 you could get him paid up as a loan. That may allow GD to come on over.

Apart from the maintenance, is your son attempting to find his own place, after 5 years? A place where he can weekend with his daughter properly?

There seem to be holes/ missing bits to your post.

I'm hoping the name has been changed.

Callistemon21

Hithere

There has to be way more to the story to the details shared here - it is often the case the culprit is another issue

Yes, I agree.

How was the maintenance amount agreed? Are the courts involved?

Your son needs to ask CAB for advice.

Yes, I agree
I agreed there may be more to the story .

Not sure what culprit means or who is considered to be a culprit 🤔

The father for missing a payment?
The mother for preventing access to the father and grandmother?

I agree that the child is of paramount importance here.

It’s important always to focus on the holistic needs of the children. In England, the family courts will not stop the non custodial parent’s contact to their children because unemployment means they miss maintenance payments. From what the OP describes, this father has been reliable till unemployment hit.
Of course, we only have one side of the history here but it’s unfair to leap to negative, critical conclusions. Posts are occasionally picked up by newspapers- you surely don’t want that to happen.

Yvonne57, please ask gransnet to take this post down because I don’t think it’s possible to delete yiur grandchild’s name.

He's obviously paid his way for 5 years it certainly looks that way icanhandthemback.

Your son needs to get a job and support his child properly.

We have no idea about his limitations in this area and if he has none, why assume he isn't trying. He's obviously paid his way for 5 years but suddenly the mother must have had enough.

are used

icanhandthemback sometimes women think they have the whip hand and aren't afraid to crack it even if it hurts their child. It's horrible when children arse used in this way.

Exactly Iam^it doesn't awalys involve fathers not fulfilling their part of the parenting role^ and providing financial support is just one role of parenting.

There is no suggestion that the OP's son takes no responsibility for his daughter's needs VS, quite the opposite from what we do know.

Mum likely has had enough and has no other way to force him to do his duty by his child really!!!! What have you based that on?

Icanhandthemback, thanks for sharing your experience, it must have been so difficult for you, your son and grandson.
There is often ‘more to the story’ as Hithere says, but it doesn’t always involve fathers not fulfilling their part of the parenting role.

Your son needs to get a job and support his child properly.

It's not right for him to take no responsibility for his daughters needs.

Mum likely has had enough and has no other way to force him to do his duty by his child.

The other reason would be that if he has a jib he can then go and get formal visitation through the courts.

You need to talk to him, this is his problem to manage and resolve so that you can see your grandchild

Hithere

There has to be way more to the story to the details shared here - it is often the case the culprit is another issue

Not necessarily. My ex-DIL has never played fair when it comes to our grandson. My son paid the maintenance plus extras, never missed an Access visit and would swop dates (even at Christmas) if she requested he did. He once said he would be unable to make a visit so asked to make a swop after the stillbirth of his child. She threatened to take him back to court about access if he didn't turn up. Sometimes women think they have the whip hand and aren't afraid to crack it even if it hurts their child.