Missing grandaughter so much

I expressed in the way I see it, from what was posted.

This is a financial issue with the child stuck in the middle.

But, as I say, I would imagine the OP has long gone anyway.🙂

Although I would prefer a term like "withholding contact with his child" or "risking harm to the child by withholding contact" or similar to comparing children with objects

Well summed up, DiamondLily, a good explanation what many of us have been trying to say.

Far more productive than calling mum "cruel" and a "bad mother".

Well said

I agree Glorianny.

Good post DiamondLily sums up the situation based on what we do know.

Totally agree, Glorianny.

Well said Glorianny

I would think she has long left the building. She came in for some advice, as she is missing her GD, who she was obviously close to.🙄

The OP was brief - it just stated that her son, who is out of work, had missed a £50 child support payment, which he had paid, by now Mum wants another £100, and it's not clear if this is arrears or just an extra payment she wants. It's not clear how long her son has been unemployed.

Mum of child has retaliated by refusing to let the little girl see her Dad (and Gran).

Both parents need to step up to the mark - the child needs financial stability (of course), but she also needs to see her Dad and Gran, who both love her. As she's been staying weekends at Grans, there is obviously no risk to her.

This fall-out is about money.

Dad needs to find work asap, so that he can resume regular payments of £50 per week. If there's a delay or a reason he cannot work, then he, at least, needs to pay the statutory £7 per week from his benefits. The DWP will certainly be pushing him to find work (unless he is sick).

Mum needs to stop conflating child support payments with contact. They are two totally different things.

It's not said if mum works, but, again, if she's on benefits, the DWP will also be pushing her back to work, now that he little girl is at school. (Unless she's sick).

So, hopefully the money pressures might ease anyway.

The child - not mum, not dad, and not Gran, needs to be put first. She's 5, she won't understand any of all this.

The bedsit situation is irrelevant, many people can't afford better, especially, if they live anywhere near a pricey area.

The hyperbole about Dad being feckless and Gran being a molly-coddling enabler is pure supposition, thrown into the arena for unknown reasons.🙁

Perhaps, for now, and for the sake of the child, Gran, if she has the means, could gift/lend her son the money to pay these arrears, and get the visits back on track. That is what I'd do.

Then, whether it's £50 per week, or £7 per week, he needs to make payments regularly so that Mum can budget knowing what is due to arrive.

Mum needs to resist the urge to use the child as some sort of bargaining chip. It's not fair on a 5 year old.

lyleLyle

Me too. I quite enjoy my positive familial relations, especially with my DILs. Can’t imagine the turmoil my happy family would be in if I had a different mentality .

That isn't helping anyone, it's just boasting. I wonder if your DILs think the same or just keep quiet because they know you like to have the last word?

How lovely! 😁
That's not helping the OP, though, is it, if she's still reading.

Me too. I quite enjoy my positive familial relations, especially with my DILs. Can’t imagine the turmoil my happy family would be in if I had a different mentality .

There are some people I am just glad I'm not!

I am also curious as to why others are aggressively initiating debates on my comments aimed at the OP. I personally couldn’t see myself continuously trying to police others’ opinions, or attempt to engage in debates when the other party has repeatedly expressed disinterest. But that’s just me!

Why so aggressive? This thread consists of little but assumptions. Why continue making up stories? The OP is long gone.

Iam64

lyleLyle -combative or wot

That’s your perception. It has no effect on me. Have a great day.

lyleLyle -combative or wot

Delila

LyleLyle, none of us are in a position to feel so sure that we are right in the advice that we offer or the way we see things, certainly not to the extent that we feel the need to be offensive to others who see, justifiably, that there are many unknowns and what ifs when information is so scant.

It is wise, when forming an opinion, to take into account all those uncertainties and modify your advice accordingly.

Delila,

Whether or not my comment was offensive to you is your concern, not mine. My comment was to the OP. I know what my intent was. It’s not for you to dictate that to me. The OP hasn’t responded. If she felt my comment was rude, she can say so. But I’m not worried about whether my advice offends your sensibilities. I don’t believe your rules—and I am not quite sure where your authority came from dictating what’s wise in forming opinions—are wise and that’s fine. I don’t think much of them because they are inconsequential to me. I will post to the OP in the manner I see fit. You don’t have to like my comments. You do realize that, right? Your desire to control how I advise is a problem for you to work out, not me. Have a great day!

Glorianny,

“You are coddling him.” is a statement you made up. That is not a direct quote from me and I’m not going to debate with you made up quotes. I made a general statement about coddling adults in case it applied to the OP. The OP can decide whether or not it applies. The comment was to the OP. You don’t have to like my suggestions. I’m not here to convince you of anything. My suggestions are for the OP. I’m sure there are others interested in debating your paraphrases. Can’t reiterate enough that there is literally nothing you or any other poster can post that will change my opinion and suggestions to the OP.

Can you imagine this in an offline scenario?

Someone walks into a room full of people, some of them are in groups on sofas, there's a few about the place in arm chairs on their own... over to one side there is a few helping themselves to a buffet and just listening and the other side there is a long bar with various people at various stages of happiness.

The doors open and in walks OS (original speaker). Up to the microphone she goes and declares her predicament before stepping back.

Immediate bedlam ensues

2 rival groups are shaking fists in each others faces "its As fault!" "No its Bs fault!"

The people at the bar are just chatting away to each other and occasionally throwing in some wise words they came up with with the bartender

The people at the buffet are all eyeing up the last bit of cake and looking for tea to sip with the drama

Groups are getting bigger and smaller, the lone arm chair dwellers have all piped up, now they are all shouting their advice at the stage while simultaneously shouting at each other the reasons why the others advice is just wrong or poorly delivered or doesn't meet their approval in some way.

There is a fist fight barrelling back and forth across the floor

Meanwhile OS has made a dash for it out the fire escape... there is an alarm blaring, the sprinklers are going off and no one has noticed except the buffet crowd who are seriously considering whether free tea and cake is worth all this anyway

LyleLyle, none of us are in a position to feel so sure that we are right in the advice that we offer or the way we see things, certainly not to the extent that we feel the need to be offensive to others who see, justifiably, that there are many unknowns and what ifs when information is so scant.

It is wise, when forming an opinion, to take into account all those uncertainties and modify your advice accordingly.

Where all your conversations will be butted into and scored out of 10

lyleLyle

I made a suggestion. Do not presume you know what I assumed. The OP can be doing those things and my suggestions could just be a reiteration of what she’s doing. My suggestions could be the first time she is hearing it. It’s not for you to decide either way. The advice I gave was to the OP. She can do with it what she likes. My advice doesn’t need to fit whatever criteria you think you get to decide. I don’t need to know why the father is in a bedsit. The OP came here to talk about the parenting situation of a child that is not hers. I advise her to let the parents handle it. If she wants to encourage her son to improve his situation, she should. He is unemployed. He does not have suitable living conditions to properly house his child. I can beat the factual dead horse all day. You are free to go on about the mother that you know nothing about other than what the OP stated. You aren’t going to sway me or change my opinion. You won’t alter my advice to the OP by providing all your what ifs and how do you knows, or your speculative background story. I hope this provides clarity for you. If not, I’m fine with that too.

A suggestion would be "can you help your son find a job?"
"You are coddling him" is pure criticism.
Funny how people can't tell the difference.

I made a suggestion. Do not presume you know what I assumed. The OP can be doing those things and my suggestions could just be a reiteration of what she’s doing. My suggestions could be the first time she is hearing it. It’s not for you to decide either way. The advice I gave was to the OP. She can do with it what she likes. My advice doesn’t need to fit whatever criteria you think you get to decide. I don’t need to know why the father is in a bedsit. The OP came here to talk about the parenting situation of a child that is not hers. I advise her to let the parents handle it. If she wants to encourage her son to improve his situation, she should. He is unemployed. He does not have suitable living conditions to properly house his child. I can beat the factual dead horse all day. You are free to go on about the mother that you know nothing about other than what the OP stated. You aren’t going to sway me or change my opinion. You won’t alter my advice to the OP by providing all your what ifs and how do you knows, or your speculative background story. I hope this provides clarity for you. If not, I’m fine with that too.

lyleLyle

We’re only getting one side of the story here, but OP you seem to need to pull back and let your son step up. It’s awful that your granddaughter doesn’t get to see her dad but I’m also sure it’s awful for the mom to be the only parent with responsibilities outside of playing with the child. They can both do better. Encourage your son to at least get a couple of temp jobs to help support his child. It may benefit you to have your granddaughter stay on weekends but it will be in her best interests for you to encourage your son to get his life together to provide a stable home for his child. I have 3 sons. There is no way I’d be happy with one of them not doing more to get on their feet. I am not the type to make excuses for my sons. They are strong, responsible family men in part because we cut the apron strings appropriately. Coddling adults never helps. Best thing for your granddaughter is two responsible parents. If what you say is true—and I am sure the mother would plenty to say about your perspective—neither are doing their best by the child. If you want to help, help him help himself.

Wow if this isn't pure conjecture I don't know what is.
You have no idea why the father is in a bedsit (I've already posted about how fathers leave the family home and are unable to afford suitable accommodation)
There is no indication that the OP is "coddling"she simply facilitates contact in a difficult situation.
The father has obviously tried to financially provide only to be asked for more.
The amount taken from an unemployed parent's income for child support by the CSA is about £7 a week. He's given more.
What you claim is "rational" is in fact pure conjecture. You assume the OP is not helping her son to find employment. You assume she is somehow "coddling" him. You assume that he is not independent. Strong responsible family men can sometimes find themselves victims through no fault of their own. They then need support. If none of your 3 DSs have been in such a situation you are incredibly lucky. But castigating and criticising others whose sons have not been so lucky is neither helpful nor rational. A good mantra to learn is "there but for the grace of god go I"

Exactly Glorianny. No one knows how 'hands on' dad is when staying with the OP with his D.