Missing grandaughter so much

Glorianny

lylelLyle One thing necessary for the father to have more responsibility in caring for the child is for the mother to surrender some responsibility. It seems obvious that she isn't going to do that. You also have no idea what sort of arrangements are made when the OP has her DS and GD to stay. He may in fact take responsibility for both his child and his mother .Just because it happens in her house it doesn't mean she does everything.

Sorry, but there is literally nothing in the OP that even remotely suggest the mother “needs to surrender” some responsibility of her daughter. Zero indication whatsoever to come to such a leap from so little detail. You have absolutely no details on the situation other than what the OP provided. Your assumption is 100% pure conjecture. All we know is what the OP wrote. Her son is unemployed. Her son does not have suitable housing. I don’t wish to engage in speculative relationship dynamics, nor speculative assumptions on what the only financially supportive and custodial parent needs to do to help a grown man be a parent. I do not find this rational and do not wish to have a “what if” conversation. My comments are intended to give rational advice to the OP based on what info she provided, not the fanciful background stories invented by gransnet commenters.

VioletSky: Thank you .

It's kinda amazing the stories we can tell from a short wall of text

lylelLyle One thing necessary for the father to have more responsibility in caring for the child is for the mother to surrender some responsibility. It seems obvious that she isn't going to do that. You also have no idea what sort of arrangements are made when the OP has her DS and GD to stay. He may in fact take responsibility for both his child and his mother .Just because it happens in her house it doesn't mean she does everything.

Welcome to gransnet lyle

One thing I haven’t said is the OP herself is vilifying anyone.

One thing the OP hasn’t done is vilify anyone.

I don’t need answers; only came to comment on the OP itself. Since this isn’t a physical location no one has any idea if OP is still reading. People read comments and choose not to answer sometimes. It’s the internet; it’s what people do. I can only hope she is reading the objective advice that inches her toward encouraging her son rather leaning into the vilification of the child’s mum. The child needs two functional parents and I hope all involved work toward that end.

Perhaps she has been doing just that. We don’t know his circumstances, nor those of the mother. He may have only recently lost his job, he may not be qualified to do a better paid one, he may have mental health issues which affect his earning power, he may have been paying so much to his ex that he can only afford a bed sit. We simply don’t know and speculation is pointless. The OP seems to have left so nobody’s going to get any answers. Time to leave it alone?

Life is so simple when you get one side of the story—from a grandparent wanting her granddaughter on the weekends. Life is not simple but the child didn’t ask to be born so he needs to figure it out. It’s not for his mummy or gransnet to figure out for him. I have empathy for poor parents. I used to be one. But empathy from strangers on the internet won’t put food in his child’s mouth, a roof over her head, or clothes on her back. So our empathy, much like his mum’s wishes and perspective on the child’s mum is irrelevant. If OP wants to help, help him job hunt and help him map out a plan for stable housing.

How do you suggest he does that lyleLyle?

He may have had to leave the family home and may not be earning a good enough salary to afford more than a bedsit for himself.
Not everyone is on a high salary.
How can he earn a higher wage? Perhaps by working overtime but only is overtime is available.
If Yvonne has a house and perhaps a garden, it seems obvious that they would spend weekends there and the grandmother can enjoy seeing her grandchild too.

Life's so simple when people look at it from their own perspective and have no idea how some people are struggling.

I am not projecting here as my DS is a strong, responsible family man too but it doesn't stop me having empathy for those who are struggling on low wages, paying bills and with family breakups.
I have empathy for the mother too, as she is the main carer and having to pay bills too but cutting off the father and grandmother because of one late payment is not going to help anyone.

We’re only getting one side of the story here, but OP you seem to need to pull back and let your son step up. It’s awful that your granddaughter doesn’t get to see her dad but I’m also sure it’s awful for the mom to be the only parent with responsibilities outside of playing with the child. They can both do better. Encourage your son to at least get a couple of temp jobs to help support his child. It may benefit you to have your granddaughter stay on weekends but it will be in her best interests for you to encourage your son to get his life together to provide a stable home for his child. I have 3 sons. There is no way I’d be happy with one of them not doing more to get on their feet. I am not the type to make excuses for my sons. They are strong, responsible family men in part because we cut the apron strings appropriately. Coddling adults never helps. Best thing for your granddaughter is two responsible parents. If what you say is true—and I am sure the mother would plenty to say about your perspective—neither are doing their best by the child. If you want to help, help him help himself.

Your posts always are factual Iam which is why they're such a valuable contribution to the discussion.

No worries Iam glad we can move past it

Ok, take out my comment about the fount of all knowledge. I was irritated, and apologise for letting that influence my comment.
The rest of my list is factual, not confrontational

It happens lol

People are arguing against my views

Actually, it sounded as if you were arguing with me when in fact you were saying the same as me.

😁

OK Smileless

No I don't have a personal problem with you VS. You raised the matter so I naturally assumed it was bothering you.

Smileless2012

I don't think anyone's suggested that you are taking sides, personally invested, trying to make you feel unwelcome VS or being confrontational. We're simply disagreeing that's all, so those are claims any of us could make.

Except that has happened on this thread and it is far from your place to say otherwise.

I'm not bothered by it, if I had a pound for every time I care what others think about me that isn't true I'd start caring.

But it's happened on this thread and some of my replies will be reflect what I am responding too.

Same as anyone else

Anyway as I said, it doesn't matter and I'm not bothered by it, although its not in any way helpful to OP so I'm not going to continue discussing this.

If you have a personal problem you would like to resolve with me, feel free to use PM instead

I don't think anyone's suggested that you are taking sides, personally invested, trying to make you feel unwelcome VS or being confrontational. We're simply disagreeing that's all, so those are claims any of us could make.

I'm still here aren't I?

I'm not going to change on your say so lol

People are arguing against my views

Which is fine

But people are also stating that I'm in some way taking sides here or personally invested

I'm not so I'm saying so.

Maybe take it up with those who try to find reasons to make me feel unwelcome in a conversation, accuse me of things I'm not doing or saying and otherwise are confrontational Iam

Instead of focusing on me for simply defending myself defending this child

VioletSky

I don't have any personal experience in this one but I don't think it would change anything about how I would communicate

Maybe that's my training and knowing how that impacts children

Goodness me. The fount of all knowledge.
As another poster commented earlier, a number of people who contributed on this thread have extensive professional and personal knowledge of the most constructive way to support separated parents in contact and residence arrangements

This thread now bears no similarity to the opening post. It’s turned into a flight of fantasy. No wonder OP is nowhere to be seen.

Rosie51

VS Are you saying you'd be perfectly happy for this 5 year old child to have every observation or hypothesis you've made about her father reported to her? These for example

Your son needs to get a job and support his child properly.

It's not right for him to take no responsibility for his daughters needs.

Tells the child what? That her father doesn't take his responsibility to her seriously. Nice.

This is not an insult Rosie

There is a difference between insults based on no knowledge and objective advice