Guilty feelings

I think, Babczi you have to learn to say "no"...
I'm really sorry I'm too tired.
I can't do x but could do y
I've got other plans, sorry..

Good luck.

Help!

I am blessed with 2 grandsons, 5 and 7. I raised 4 boys, and I adore boys. These guys are only 2 hours away. It’s not bad as far as distance, but I would love to be able to visit for a few hours , then drive home. I also have a new granddaughter 4 hours away, and soon I’ll be blessed with another boy grand baby. !!!! This is just so thrilling, my grandchildren are everything to me. But I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. I’m already so tired and exhausted just from a day and 1/2with my boys. I guilt over my fatigue and I have health crap. Like, I worry ahead of a visit cause I know how tired I’ll be???? That sucks!

Boy oh boy, do I get it. I hate it because , as I’m sure you adore them.

We had our children, brought them up, usually with not much input from our parents - and that is not a complaint. In their turn it is up to our adult children to workout how to balance work and child care.

Having said that I fully understand why many grandparents get involved with helping care for grandchildren, when times are tight, wages are low and child care so expensive. However the grandparents should always be in the driving seat deciding what they can do and what it is reasonable to do. far too many grandparents, especially grandmothers beat themselves up for not being at the beck and call of their children. As much as we love our children we should all be in the position of saying 'so much I will provide and no more.' without recrimination or emotional blackmail to exceed our own personal limits.

Blondiescot

Norah

We told our daughters we were done raising children, they could raise their own. We don't child mind on a schedule.

If our daughters or granddaughters have a need with child care, we try to be available - but we don't change our plans.

They can easily make their own way - we did. No guilt.

But what if they can't? What if there is no other option?

Blondiescot But what if they can't? What if there is no other option?

Happily we've not had "they can't" - leaving us as the option. I suppose they manage and make their own way - somehow?

No idea, but I don't believe that was the question in the post?

I am sorry that I don't have grandchildren and would willingly have looked after them, as my parents looked after my children.
But:
I was a teacher so all the holiday time was free;
I didn't go back to work until they were 4 and 2, one at school part-time and one at nursery part-time after the first few months.
Grandparents now have children from being months old, and for most of the year, which is very hard.
A teacher friend without children ended up looking after her divorced brother's children during her school holidays to protect her elderly parents, until she discovered that both brother and ex-wife were booking all their holiday leave in term time. Some adult children definitely take advantage.

It seems we all have different feelings about this. I looked after my youngest grandchildren from 9 months to starting school for two days a week; then when there were 2 of them for one day each.

I made it clear what I could and could not manage, e.g. when they were small I said I could not have them both together - I was also caring for a sick husband.

At present I pick them both up from school on a Friday and give them tea. And also help whenever needed in the holidays.

For me it is all a great joy and I feel sad that I am not fit enough to do more.

But there is no obligation to feel that way. I know many grandparents feel they have done their bit - that is not something to feel guilty about. And the presence of high cost of living and child care does make grandparents feel a bit as though they would like to help. Young families are pretty strapped for cash at the moment.

Sara1954

And now I’m just told about three days of teachers striking, so I guess I’ll be covering that!

Exactly - I've got that to look forward to as well!

Don’t feel guilty. You have raised your children already. You love your daughter and your grandchildren, but love doesn’t require us to run ourselves into the ground with the responsibilities of other adults. It’s okay to be tired of regularly caring for children at some point in life.

Your daughter is an adult. She will adjust to this responsibility of sorting childcare the way millions of parents do every day. The great thing is that she doesn’t have to figure it out alone. She has a partner who is equally responsible for sorting childcare for the lovely lives they brought into the world. If I were you I’d start thinking about a realistic way to transition out of the arrangement, or at least reduce. Obviously you don’t want to leave your family out there abruptly, but do start thinking of gradually reducing their dependence on you. You will not be around forever. Your daughter and her husband will have to adjust to managing their family life without you at some point.

And now I’m just told about three days of teachers striking, so I guess I’ll be covering that!

That's very true Skydancer I couldn't cope with young children at 77.

I think a lot depends on how old you are. As most of us know, we haven't got the same energy at 70 that we had at 50. I was in my 50s when I became a grandmother and loved every second of looking after GC but 20 years later I couldn't do it as I would get too tired much as I love them.

Its the regular commitment which can get you down especially if you need to rest the following day. I 'resigned' after 11 years and hoped my AC would be ok about it. They could be a handful and I was just too tired.
Would always have preferred an 'as needed' casual /in emergency arrangement. Much more flexible.

I’ve aways felt it was my children’s job, not mine, to look after their children. I was very happy to care for children once, not prepared to do it twice. Luckily they live too far from me for it to be a possibility!

Blondiescot
Agreed, sometimes things just don’t go as you planned, what can you do? You can hardly stand back and say, your children, your problem.

Norah

We told our daughters we were done raising children, they could raise their own. We don't child mind on a schedule.

If our daughters or granddaughters have a need with child care, we try to be available - but we don't change our plans.

They can easily make their own way - we did. No guilt.

But what if they can't? What if there is no other option?

Bungle - all the time! I don't have a regular arrangement (I'd really resent that) - but had one set three days over the half term - way too much. I think 'Another day wasted' as there are other things I'd rather do - but then I make the best of it. Yes, I love them and enjoy their company but I find it exhausting and I'm not a childcare provider!

I’ve been having my local grandchildren once a week for the last ten years.
It’s on my day off, so limits the amount of time I have for myself, also, for three of those ten years, they lived with us, so obviously a lot more was required of me.
The last one starts school in September, and I have mixed feelings. On the one hand I’ll be very happy to reclaim my day off, but I know I’ll really miss her, and I’ll look back on those years with rose tinted glasses.
But don’t feel guilty, circumstances pushed me into helping more than I would have liked to, and with my children well spaced out, I feel like I’ve been looking after children for ever.

I look after my two grandsons two days a week. I love them dearly, but they are hard work! I completely understand what you are saying.

Do retired grandfathers feel guilty if they don’t look after grandchildren I wonder? I’ve noticed friends who look after their GCs have to work their own activities around them, but their OHs carry on their usual routines and activities.

We told our daughters we were done raising children, they could raise their own. We don't child mind on a schedule.

If our daughters or granddaughters have a need with child care, we try to be available - but we don't change our plans.

They can easily make their own way - we did. No guilt.

I totally understand how you feel. Our GS lived with us for a couple of years and even now (he is now 5), we regularly have to look after him - taking him to school or picking up, sometimes overnight stays, sometimes whole days because both my son and his partner work shifts. There is no other option. I love my GS to bits, but he is hyperactive and very hard work. I'm exhausted - DH and I haven't had a holiday or even a short break for four years now, and I just can't see an end to this. This is not how I saw my role as a grandmother, to be honest - and I do feel guilty for feeling this way, but as I say, we have no choice but to continue.

Depends on age and how long. If they are difficult and exhausting then perhaps it is time to speak out. If they are just run of the mill lower infant/junior children, I would plough on as they won't be there forever. Also, depends on how much control the parents have over their days with you. If they come armed with nappies, food, special drink etc, I may say something, but if you have free reign, then just enjoy them. As I say, it all depends on the relationships, pragmatics, and situation.

I helped with my GC sometimes twelve hours ago it aged me ten years. I had to stop in the end it tired me out and my arthritis did hinder me. I do make the effort when really needed for odd occasions though.
I know you will feel guilty it’s in our nature but try not too just do what you can. It’s better to do what you can if you do more then it becomes a chore. Then it’s not as enjoyable and you will feel more tired and more guilty it goes around in circles.