Tips for a new grandparent

I echo other people’s comments, especially the one saying that things are done differently these days so go along with what your daughter has learnt at her classes even if you don’t personally agree. My daughter really didn’t want my help as she and her DH wanted to spend precious time with their baby. So we just visited regularly and took gifts. My help was more appreciated when she went back to work and it still is five years later.

Just play it by ear, the birth may be difficult or she may sail through it, both can influence her feelings and how she deals with and feels about the baby. It's important to just go with what she and the father wants.

Your approach sounds sensible to me.

In the long run, I have found it wise only to offered advice when asked for it, so I start out by telling new parents, that I shall be very willing to hear their concerns, but will only give advice if I am asked for it.

I think you have already got it sussed pianokey, I’d just ask if I could help in any way, tell her she’s doing a great job, I’d mostly never forget that the new baby is your grandchild and not yours, so many problems occur when grandparents interfere in how THEY think the child should be brought up, you have the right idea from the start I wish you many years of enjoyment watching the little one grow.

Be aware that there are all sorts of things that are done differently from when you were a new mother. You may not agree with some things, but don't interfere and let your daughter follow the advice she's had from her professionals and the current parenting "Bible". Read this yourself!
If the young parents argue, do not take sides at the time. I did speak privately once with my SiL when he was behaving actually rather cruelly only days after the birth.

Keep telling her how beautiful the baby is and how well she is doing and how much you love them both. Ask what you can do to help while you're there and give no unsolicited advice. You'll be fine, Have fun and - congratulations!

Thank you everyone. I think that's a good point re whether or not our children actually need or should expect our help at this stage. My husband had no leave really and I didn't really think of asking my mum as Dad drove her everywhere and I couldn't cope with 2 of them!
I guess I'm following what seems to be the current trend , and of course I'm keen to help! But I am so grateful for these suggestions and feel much clearer about how to approach this. Thank you!

Maybe it has to do with life expectancy, later motherhood timelines, the grandparents are retired, etc.

My husband tried to convince me I needed help with my dd1, I said that is why you are here
Same song with dd2 - a heated no nonsense conversation addressed that

It all ended up being raised by his mother who wanted to be useful and help us
So I had a dh problem because he wanted his mother to stop being sad and help - why couldn't I just allow her to help, it would make no difference to me but would mean the world to his mother

One task I had second time around was to drive my daughter to various shops and appointments she needed to go to. She'd had a C section and wasn't allowed to drive.
Slightly out of my comfort zone in a strange town and a manual car, mine is automatic!

I wonder when it started that new mothers needed help, I never had any, and didn’t want any, and as far as I know none of my friends had their mothers turning up for a week,
I know there is less rest time in hospital, but there is also paternity leave.
Not saying it’s a wrong thing to do, just wondering if it’s really necessary.

Ask her each day what she'd like you to do. Some days you may well do lots, other days, almost nothing.

Depends on your relationship with your daughter to some extent, with my older daughter I was very careful, but with my younger one, I didn’t feel I have to tread so carefully.

In with no expectations, give no opinions, ask before doing anything.

Perhaps ask if you may make and freeze 2-3 weeks meals for after you're back home, meals are truly a help.

Any plans made now may change, they may need more or less support than they think. Don't forget that her husband also gets a say in what is happening.

You sound very sensible and caring so will work it all out successfully when the time comes. Enjoy your new grandchild.

Last poster nailed it

Help is what the helpee (new word - the person requesting the help) is asking for, not what the helper thinks it would help

Brilliant advice here, and it sounds as though you will be very sensitive to what the parents want.
This from V3ra is important I think: I'd say play it by ear and don't be afraid to ask your daughter what she would prefer you to do on a day-to-day basis. She won't know how she feels until it happens.
When I went up to help my daughter after the birth of her first baby, I just went ahead and did washing up, loading the washing machine, hanging washing out etc.. I just assumed this would be useful, but she felt I was trying to take over. I wish I had been more sensitive to this.

Keep your council.Take your lead from them.

Such good advice here, and you sound sensible about wanting to get it right too. As said, there is often a bit of trial and error, but things quickly fall into place. If your daughter is an anxious person, just aim for calmness all round which in your case might be the practical boring chores while she enjoys the baby. Good luck!

….and I’d imagined being there from the early days but of course if husband is on paternity leave then I think making sure they have home cooked meals in the freezer and seeing if any other chores are to be done will be the main focus and then see if daughter wants me to spend more time there when she’s on her own and he is back at work.

I really appreciate your comments. I feel more confident about how to go about this now. Some of them I have thought of but I do like the reminders eg not to give advice unless asked for!

Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.

When my first granddaughter was born my daughter wanted me to go up for a week.
I didn’t stay with them, I stayed in a B and B in the same village.
I went around in the morning and took the baby for long walks so that my daughter could sleep, in the afternoons we usually went out somewhere, we didn’t bother too much with housework.
I always left as soon as her husband came home to give them some space.

You sound so lovely and thoughtful. It is very important for your daughter to build her confidence with caring for the baby and also getting the rest she needs to recover so the baby should be left to her. I think your role should mainly be concentrated on household tasks so that side of things is completely taken care of for her. Also making cups of tea for visitors and making sure your daughter eats well, so preparing simple healthy meals too.Best not to take over caring for the baby at this stage or she won't feel able to cope when you leave.

Because of the distance I went to stay at their house for a week after my first grandchild was born and when her daddy had gone back to work.
I concentrated on the household tasks: cooking, cleaning, laundry, tidying, gardening, walking the dog.
It left my daughter free to concentrate on her baby and herself.
I did get some cuddles that week (and have had plenty since, she's six years old now).
I also volunteered for the late night feed one evening so mummy and daddy could both get some much-needed sleep.

When their second baby was born I was asked to go and stay when he was three weeks old, again when daddy went back to work.
This time round I was surprised to be handed the baby to feed, change etc far more frequently!

I'd say play it by ear and don't be afraid to ask your daughter what she would prefer you to do on a day-to-day basis. She won't know how she feels until it happens.
Concentrate on boosting her trust in her own abilities if you think she's lacking in confidence.

Have a lovely time welcoming your new family member 🥰

Make sure you “don’t hog the baby”, as my daughter told me on the first day. Give the other grandparents a chance . Congratulations to you , your daughter and all the family. Lots of happy times to come