Unbiased Help Needed

Women gravitate towards their own mothers because they have been brought up and nurtured by their mothers their entire life and have a lifetime of memories together.

Unfortunately men often do not seem to have the same level of connection with their own mothers.

There is a classic saying, “A son is a son til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life” (or something along those lines)

When your husband and DIL married, he did not agree to join her family and she did not agree to join your family, they made a pact to create a new, nuclear family together.

It sounds like they have just made a decision to do what is best for them and, unfortunately for you, as her family are in a financial position to be able to visit frequently, it seems you have the short end of the stick.

I would just tell them that you understand they are doing what is best for their nuclear family and that you 100% support them in that but that they will be dearly missed and you will miss spending time with them and your grandchild. Maybe ask DIL if there’s anything you can do to help in the run up to them moving and tell her it would be nice if you could set up regular video calls once they are settled, if that is ok.

I expect they will still be able to visit you as well as you hoping to occasionally visit them but this is one of those situations where they just need to experience life for themselves.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it can’t be easy for you.

It still seems uncertain as to whether your DS will go abroad, it could go either way but that won't stop you worrying I know. Over 50 years ago I told my mum during a general chat that my soon to be husband was thinking of going out to Hong Kong for a few years, she never expressed any opinion about this to me and in the end we did something different. After mum died I found a letter from a Great Aunt, born in the Victorian age, supporting my mother but pointing out that thousands of people went all over the world to support the Empire! my poor mum must have talked to everyone but me about it. Nothing changes except now, if they do go abroad you will be able to FaceTime and be in constant daily touch
while they are away.
The issue of girls going to their family for help has been covered many times on here, it is always a difficult one to resolve

Princessjonsie remember Robbie Burns "the best laid plans of mice and men gan oft agley"
Your in-laws may think they have it all worked out but the unexpected often happens and things have to change. I notice it is the dad making all the plans and he was the one working abroad whilst mum stayed home with the girls. Home may still be where they prefer.
Put on a brave face and wave them goodbye. Save your pennies up to visit.
Dubai is a different place for a family with a baby than it is for a man working away from home. Lots of things could happen including home-sickness. Your DIL may have family visiting but her friends will not be there.
If they have already decided to go don't try and stop them. Just let things take their course.
You raised your son well. Have faith in him to do the right thing.

While we have to let our grown children go, it is inevitable that a parent will find the thought of a child moving so far away painful.

We know it’s their choice, not ours and hard though it is we have to accept it. Best to be generous with encouragement but having had to deal with this myself know it’s not easy.
I wish you well.

Princessjonsie - I logged in today to write a post about being paternal grandma and how it makes me feel. I read your post and I totally and utterly get how you are feeling. I do everything the same as you ie asking before going to the house, asking before I do anything with dgs etc etc. I am lucky in that I look after dgs one day a week but it’s all the other times when help is needed like illness etc I am never asked to help out (and most of the time not even told dgs is ill unless Ive happened to call) it’s always dil’s family who are asked to help out even though we live the same distance from dgs - I know I sound like I’m wining but it hurts - a lot - and makes me feel second best. Anyway Princessjonsie I just wanted to say I feel for you - I really do and totally understand xx

Whatever the reality of the situation, I can understand your feelings, which are, IMO, perfectly natural. We feel what we feel, and just because others might not feel the same in the circumstance (or think they wouldn't) is no reason for you to feel bad about the feelings you have, which are perfectly valid.

As I'm sure you know, however, there is nothing you can do about it, even if you wanted to, so the question is how you and your son can make sure that 'it all works out'. Which it will, if everyone wants it to. Now that we have FaceTime and Zoom, keeping in touch is so much easier than it used to be, and wherever your family ends up you can talk to them regularly. In fact, the distance between you could mean that you talk more regularly than you would if you were, say, 100 miles apart, as you would all make an effort. My mum and bother (who is in Oz) speak at a pre-arranged time once a week, and she has seen her grandchildren grow up between visits.

Chin up. You might have to put a brave face on things (and I also understand the creeping jealousy of the ILs - that is natural too), but who knows how things will work out. There are numerous possibilities, but if you can be flexible you will be in a better frame of mind to see them, and if you are a positive voice in the decisions, you will have more chance of being consulted.

Surely you should be proud of your son and assume he's doing the best he can for everyone in the family. Don't ask, leave it be.

I can’t comment much here because we did exactly what your son is looking at doing and emigrated, leaving both sets of parents back in the UK. In a way we all got on better at a distance with frequent phone calls ( they didn’t have computers and FaceTime then) . You should feel proud that you have brought up an independent,mature young man and he will always love you, no matter what !

MercuryQueen

All you can do is support whatever decision they make. It’s not reasonable to expect them to make decisions centred around anyone but themselves. They may go, since your son has always wanted to travel, or they may stay, since your DIL is more a homebody. Either way, you’re best not pushing or pulling.

I agree with Mercury Queen. It could go either way.

My DS is quite adventurous. We lived overseas when he was a teenager. His partner is a homebody and they have a toddler now. She is very close to her parents and they have just relocated to be closer.

I would think that your DH's partner will be more inclined to stay put now that they have a young child.

What ever happens, don't guilt trip your DS. It is his life and we have to learn to let our children go

Hithere

Looks like it's just a possibility, right? It is it confirmed?

Either way, just talk to your son when the date of moving (if it comes to that) is confirmed - how you would keep in touch

You said your son has an adventurous spirit, so this seems something he would do, with or w/o dil

What does it have to do "treating dil as a member of your family" with your son's answer " it will work out"?

It is unrealistic that they would make your wants a big factor in their decisions

Bottom line: don't blame your dil for a decision your son is also taking

All of this. It seems you were hoping your dil being more of a homebody would be an aide to
You getting what YOU want which is for your adventurous independent son to not take an opportunity to live abroad and earn well. As it turns out your independent adventurous son already worked it out so that his less adventurous wife would feel comfortable - bravo to him. This has zero to do with daughter in law or her favoring her family and everything to do with you being disappointed she wasn’t your ally in getting what you want after all.

Wish your adventurous and independent son and his family well

Princessjonsie - I think the “why are the grandparents trying to plan their lives out” was in reference to your DILs parents, not yourself. Your DILs father in particular appears to believe that, trivializing the weight of those decisions and it’s that which I believe you are feeling unease about. Her father makes it sound as if it’s a win-win-win all around, only remembering after the fact that you are also a part of that equation and then likely felt embarrassed by his mistake (which he should be). So I think your issue is not that the young couple may be moving but that her parents are seemingly so self-centered that they must be reminded that not only is his daughter having a child but also your son, that they aren’t the only grandparents here, AND that you in fact are that other grandparent (like hello?? Earth to Mr Bigshot? )

I’m very sorry that your sons in-laws are so crass in the manner that they are. I think you should expect to do a healthy amount of advocating for yourself in the future! Maybe take a class on that one, you’ll need it with them

Princessjonsie, - 'unbiased help'? Surely, you want them to be free to live the best life they can? I can't see a problem at all - except, perhaps your attitude and personal anxiety/fear of being left behind?

Her family circumstances and upbringing were different - so what? There's no point in stamping your feet and saying 'It's not fair!' is there?

Fact : They fly the nest. Fact: Sometimes they fly abroad. It's their decision, and their life, and I wouldn't recommend that you try to influence it in any way, as this could cause resentment. They will be rightly excited at the prospect of a new beginning, with new opportunities, so the most positive thing that you can do is to try to share in that excitement, and to be happy for them. As your Son has already said: "It will work out".

You are feeling raw at the moment but you survived the three years your son was in America. You still love each other so can get through this potential change too.

Those of us with adult children abroad know the sadness of them leaving. Some of us did it ourselves years ago (with hardly a thought) even though we loved our family "at home."

You have raised an adventurous and driven son who wants to use his skill (and contacts) to provide not only great opportunities but also stability for his little family.

Once you have got over the shock it will get easier.
Thinking of you.

You sound like a lovely mum and grandma and you will want a good life for your family. Lots of sound advice from other posters.
IF they decide to go smile and wish them well however sad you feel inside.

Franbern

It was not abroad, but when I sat in the garden of my son and DiL (ten minutes from my house), and they told me they were considering moving way up North, I went into their bathroom and talked to myself in the mirror
Yes, where they were considering moving to would offer them better job opportunities, much better house, pleasant life style. It was not about ME, but about them, and I managed to return to the garden- smile and say they should take the opportunity.

They did and it has all worked out so well for them. They would have done so whether or not I supported it, but so glad they felt it was with my blessing.

The way things are in this country I think I would be happy for any of my offspring to move to another country for a better life for themselves and their children.

Be happy for them, and start saving for the first of those visits to them,.

Yes. Be happy for them, and start saving for the first of those visits to them

I suspect all will be well - mail, email and phones exist.

They're striving for a better future (if they move), be pleased for them.

I understand why you're upset at the prospect of your son moving abroad with his new family Princessjonsie. You raised him alone and I think I'm right that he's your only child.

It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way especially as the move if it goes ahead, would be to another country which would limit for you, how often you could visit and how long you could stay.

Nothing has been decided yet and they may decide to stay in the UK but of they don't, remember that you have the solid foundation in your relationship with your son that you've built during his lifetime.

It could be that the strength of his relationship with you is why he said Oh well it will work out, he wasn't being insensitive but expressing his certainty that it will be OK.

Our DS went to Aus. nearly 10 years ago just after he got married. They're now divorced and there are no children. We speak to him almost every week on Face time for at least an hour.

After he'd graduated from university and got his first teaching job, he got a flat a 10 minute drive from our home. We could go for weeks not seeing or even speaking to him but now he's on the other side of the world, we have far more regular contact than we ever had, once he'd left home but was in the UK.

It wont be easy, I know how much I dreaded him going but your son's right, it will work out .

It was not abroad, but when I sat in the garden of my son and DiL (ten minutes from my house), and they told me they were considering moving way up North, I went into their bathroom and talked to myself in the mirror
Yes, where they were considering moving to would offer them better job opportunities, much better house, pleasant life style. It was not about ME, but about them, and I managed to return to the garden- smile and say they should take the opportunity.

They did and it has all worked out so well for them. They would have done so whether or not I supported it, but so glad they felt it was with my blessing.

The way things are in this country I think I would be happy for any of my offspring to move to another country for a better life for themselves and their children.

Be happy for them, and start saving for the first of those visits to them,.

I'm glad you have a good relationship with them

FIL may be encouraging this move but Son and DIL will ultimately make this decision

Hard as it is, you did this work, you raised a son confident enough to look for new adventures and enjoy life, you did good!

Be sad for you and happy for them... don't overthink and look for reasons to justify your feelings... just have your feelings

You will adjust, technology can keep you close, visits can happen both ways

I m really sorry but you just have to take it on the chin and learn to live with it, adult children have every right to move wherever they want and have what lifestyle they want.
You can only keep the grandchild safe when hes with you, there can be no control how he is brought up when away from you or what animals are round him…. I wouldn’t have a dog round a baby and you do the right thing to put yours out the room but you have no control with what your son and wife do when away from your house
It’s a shame but it is what it is, you must build up your own life and if they see more of her family than yours that’s just how it is
You say you don’t know what else you can do ……. You can do nothing you have to learn to accept it , it will be totally one sided as it’s their choice, or more likely her choice and he loves her so will go along with anything she wants you can’t do anything at all
Look after yourself you cannot live life through your child

It is great with you respecting your dil and son as parents and welcoming your dil as family but it has nothing to do with them staying close to you, not going abroad or not being able to visit for months- totally unrelated

So having a dog - it is a hairy issue

Plenty of parents do not trust a dog not hurting a baby, despite safety gate

How well do they know your dog?

Stop comparing yourself with her parents - this is not a competition

You seem to have a good relationship with them - don't spoil it because of this

I just want to address something. I’m not mapping out their lives . I have always encouraged them and supported in everything they do . Supplying time and what little cash I have to help them out . They are not going to be alone . If it was the three of them then ok it’s sad they are so far way but the way it was put was that her father is planning it all , they are going to stay with them two or three months at a time , her sisters will be there the times they are not . It’s all organised so that her family are happy and accommodated. When I was told the above plan I said I’m not sure I would be able to come for months at a time I would prob make it once a year for a week . This was why the reply was it will work out somehow They are not thinking of Spain or France it’s Dubai . My son wants to live in the USA as he taught football their for three years so has connections there but she has absolutely said no as her parents would not be able to come the USA for long extended time . If her family are there they would not have a reason to come back to the UK . They do not stay with me even when they lived in London as at her parents they have an en suite room of their own and one for the baby . He has only been to mine twice in 10 months as my place is small . They prefer to have me go to my mothers to see the baby or go to their house . I also have a rescue dog and she doesn’t like the dog . My dog is placed behind a safety gate on the twice they have visited and no where near the baby as she is a rescue I never know what is in her back ground so I keep her locked away . Her parents have two dogs and a cat and there are pictures with him stroking the dog and right next to the dog bed . Not sure what else I can do . It’s exhausting

@hithere : when I say about my DIL I just mean we have been welcoming, and tried to make her feel like part of the family. I like to spoil her and help where I can without being controlling and in her face . I always try and make special days nice and back her up when they argue and not just take his side . When it comes to their son I always seek her approval on any gifts I buy , any interaction with him I ask if it’s ok and if I’m changing a nappy or playing , feeding etc I don’t just do it my way I ask how she does it so she feels comfortable with me dealing with her baby . She is very hot on hygiene so I make a point of washing my hands as soon as I go in the house , never touch his if he is sick or has a runny nose etc . I stay away if I have the smallest sniffle and ever called off a family meal as one member was sick and my son wanted to bring the baby but I knew she would be uncomfortable with it so I backed her and called it off . When he had his first day at nursery I made sure I checked in on her and make sure she was ok and messaged her on her first day to tell her what an amazing mum she was and she would be ok and so would he That’s all I meant as I’m not sure what else I can do to ale her fee welcome and comfortable

Why not discuss the issue with your son. Ask if he is thinkng of taking up his FiL's offers/suggestions and ask him how his wife feels about it, then discuss it with her.

All these things are much more easily sorted if people bring things out in the open and discuss them.

I doubt her family are cutting you out, they just haven't thought anything through properly yet. You just need to make your presence known when these discussions take place.

That’s sad, men do seem to be less thoughtful than women. Maybe because he doesn’t need support from you, as his wife does from her family, he hasn't thought about the impact this will have on you and your relationship with your grandchild.

It is a great opportunity for the family but a huge loss for you.