Unbiased Help Needed

I wouldn't even discuss this with my DIL's father but let my DIL know that I would support her in what she wanted to do if she felt it was the best for her. You may well find that she doesn't actually want to go anywhere but her father just wants somewhere to holiday if he has ants in his pants. Try not to feel rejected (difficult I know), if she feels this is the best thing for her child, it might be and nothing is written in stone. If she is a home body, she might find it harder to be away than her father thinks.

Looks like it's just a possibility, right? It is it confirmed?

Either way, just talk to your son when the date of moving (if it comes to that) is confirmed - how you would keep in touch

You said your son has an adventurous spirit, so this seems something he would do, with or w/o dil

What does it have to do "treating dil as a member of your family" with your son's answer " it will work out"?

It is unrealistic that they would make your wants a big factor in their decisions

Bottom line: don't blame your dil for a decision your son is also taking

I fee I suppose rejected and unthought of. Advise please

Your independent son wishes to live abroad/earn well? Seems he spoke to you about it and feels it will "work out". Sounds good, what is the real problem that I obviously missed?

All you can do is support whatever decision they make. It’s not reasonable to expect them to make decisions centred around anyone but themselves. They may go, since your son has always wanted to travel, or they may stay, since your DIL is more a homebody. Either way, you’re best not pushing or pulling.

You have done a fantastic job of bringing up your son op. He as you say has found a wonderful girl and they have a baby now,I think you have to stand back and be happy that he’s happy, I do however understand how you must be feeling, is there any chance that they can come and visit you and stay, or you go over once a year, there are ways of keeping in touch throughout the year it’s not going to be the same as seeing them of course but it is easier now than ever. Please don’t feel rejected.

Respectfully, if your son and his wife are adults, why do the grandparents think they can map their lives out for them?

I think you all need to get off the young couple’s back and let them decide their own future.

We went abroad and left our parents behind. Quite honestly as much as we loved both sets of parents we only considered ourselves at the time. It is their lives and I know my mum missed me hugely but they came over and had a ball and we came back and saw them. It was a terrific experiment and not to be missed. Just provide support and let them get on with it.

Of course, it’s up to the young couple to do what they think best for them.

The OP seems to think their new life won’t affect the girls family much, they have the time and money to make frequent trips to visit them.

Not the same for OP.

I can imagine how she feels, and sympathise.

Have I misunderstood? From the OP it sounds like it the father of the DIL who is encouraging them to move abroad, not the OP's son.

That’s sad, men do seem to be less thoughtful than women. Maybe because he doesn’t need support from you, as his wife does from her family, he hasn't thought about the impact this will have on you and your relationship with your grandchild.

It is a great opportunity for the family but a huge loss for you.

Why not discuss the issue with your son. Ask if he is thinkng of taking up his FiL's offers/suggestions and ask him how his wife feels about it, then discuss it with her.

All these things are much more easily sorted if people bring things out in the open and discuss them.

I doubt her family are cutting you out, they just haven't thought anything through properly yet. You just need to make your presence known when these discussions take place.

@hithere : when I say about my DIL I just mean we have been welcoming, and tried to make her feel like part of the family. I like to spoil her and help where I can without being controlling and in her face . I always try and make special days nice and back her up when they argue and not just take his side . When it comes to their son I always seek her approval on any gifts I buy , any interaction with him I ask if it’s ok and if I’m changing a nappy or playing , feeding etc I don’t just do it my way I ask how she does it so she feels comfortable with me dealing with her baby . She is very hot on hygiene so I make a point of washing my hands as soon as I go in the house , never touch his if he is sick or has a runny nose etc . I stay away if I have the smallest sniffle and ever called off a family meal as one member was sick and my son wanted to bring the baby but I knew she would be uncomfortable with it so I backed her and called it off . When he had his first day at nursery I made sure I checked in on her and make sure she was ok and messaged her on her first day to tell her what an amazing mum she was and she would be ok and so would he That’s all I meant as I’m not sure what else I can do to ale her fee welcome and comfortable

I just want to address something. I’m not mapping out their lives . I have always encouraged them and supported in everything they do . Supplying time and what little cash I have to help them out . They are not going to be alone . If it was the three of them then ok it’s sad they are so far way but the way it was put was that her father is planning it all , they are going to stay with them two or three months at a time , her sisters will be there the times they are not . It’s all organised so that her family are happy and accommodated. When I was told the above plan I said I’m not sure I would be able to come for months at a time I would prob make it once a year for a week . This was why the reply was it will work out somehow They are not thinking of Spain or France it’s Dubai . My son wants to live in the USA as he taught football their for three years so has connections there but she has absolutely said no as her parents would not be able to come the USA for long extended time . If her family are there they would not have a reason to come back to the UK . They do not stay with me even when they lived in London as at her parents they have an en suite room of their own and one for the baby . He has only been to mine twice in 10 months as my place is small . They prefer to have me go to my mothers to see the baby or go to their house . I also have a rescue dog and she doesn’t like the dog . My dog is placed behind a safety gate on the twice they have visited and no where near the baby as she is a rescue I never know what is in her back ground so I keep her locked away . Her parents have two dogs and a cat and there are pictures with him stroking the dog and right next to the dog bed . Not sure what else I can do . It’s exhausting

It is great with you respecting your dil and son as parents and welcoming your dil as family but it has nothing to do with them staying close to you, not going abroad or not being able to visit for months- totally unrelated

So having a dog - it is a hairy issue

Plenty of parents do not trust a dog not hurting a baby, despite safety gate

How well do they know your dog?

Stop comparing yourself with her parents - this is not a competition

You seem to have a good relationship with them - don't spoil it because of this

I m really sorry but you just have to take it on the chin and learn to live with it, adult children have every right to move wherever they want and have what lifestyle they want.
You can only keep the grandchild safe when hes with you, there can be no control how he is brought up when away from you or what animals are round him…. I wouldn’t have a dog round a baby and you do the right thing to put yours out the room but you have no control with what your son and wife do when away from your house
It’s a shame but it is what it is, you must build up your own life and if they see more of her family than yours that’s just how it is
You say you don’t know what else you can do ……. You can do nothing you have to learn to accept it , it will be totally one sided as it’s their choice, or more likely her choice and he loves her so will go along with anything she wants you can’t do anything at all
Look after yourself you cannot live life through your child

I'm glad you have a good relationship with them

FIL may be encouraging this move but Son and DIL will ultimately make this decision

Hard as it is, you did this work, you raised a son confident enough to look for new adventures and enjoy life, you did good!

Be sad for you and happy for them... don't overthink and look for reasons to justify your feelings... just have your feelings

You will adjust, technology can keep you close, visits can happen both ways

It was not abroad, but when I sat in the garden of my son and DiL (ten minutes from my house), and they told me they were considering moving way up North, I went into their bathroom and talked to myself in the mirror
Yes, where they were considering moving to would offer them better job opportunities, much better house, pleasant life style. It was not about ME, but about them, and I managed to return to the garden- smile and say they should take the opportunity.

They did and it has all worked out so well for them. They would have done so whether or not I supported it, but so glad they felt it was with my blessing.

The way things are in this country I think I would be happy for any of my offspring to move to another country for a better life for themselves and their children.

Be happy for them, and start saving for the first of those visits to them,.

I understand why you're upset at the prospect of your son moving abroad with his new family Princessjonsie. You raised him alone and I think I'm right that he's your only child.

It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way especially as the move if it goes ahead, would be to another country which would limit for you, how often you could visit and how long you could stay.

Nothing has been decided yet and they may decide to stay in the UK but of they don't, remember that you have the solid foundation in your relationship with your son that you've built during his lifetime.

It could be that the strength of his relationship with you is why he said Oh well it will work out, he wasn't being insensitive but expressing his certainty that it will be OK.

Our DS went to Aus. nearly 10 years ago just after he got married. They're now divorced and there are no children. We speak to him almost every week on Face time for at least an hour.

After he'd graduated from university and got his first teaching job, he got a flat a 10 minute drive from our home. We could go for weeks not seeing or even speaking to him but now he's on the other side of the world, we have far more regular contact than we ever had, once he'd left home but was in the UK.

It wont be easy, I know how much I dreaded him going but your son's right, it will work out .

Franbern

It was not abroad, but when I sat in the garden of my son and DiL (ten minutes from my house), and they told me they were considering moving way up North, I went into their bathroom and talked to myself in the mirror
Yes, where they were considering moving to would offer them better job opportunities, much better house, pleasant life style. It was not about ME, but about them, and I managed to return to the garden- smile and say they should take the opportunity.

They did and it has all worked out so well for them. They would have done so whether or not I supported it, but so glad they felt it was with my blessing.

The way things are in this country I think I would be happy for any of my offspring to move to another country for a better life for themselves and their children.

Be happy for them, and start saving for the first of those visits to them,.

Yes. Be happy for them, and start saving for the first of those visits to them

I suspect all will be well - mail, email and phones exist.

They're striving for a better future (if they move), be pleased for them.

You sound like a lovely mum and grandma and you will want a good life for your family. Lots of sound advice from other posters.
IF they decide to go smile and wish them well however sad you feel inside.

You are feeling raw at the moment but you survived the three years your son was in America. You still love each other so can get through this potential change too.

Those of us with adult children abroad know the sadness of them leaving. Some of us did it ourselves years ago (with hardly a thought) even though we loved our family "at home."

You have raised an adventurous and driven son who wants to use his skill (and contacts) to provide not only great opportunities but also stability for his little family.

Once you have got over the shock it will get easier.
Thinking of you.

Fact : They fly the nest. Fact: Sometimes they fly abroad. It's their decision, and their life, and I wouldn't recommend that you try to influence it in any way, as this could cause resentment. They will be rightly excited at the prospect of a new beginning, with new opportunities, so the most positive thing that you can do is to try to share in that excitement, and to be happy for them. As your Son has already said: "It will work out".

Princessjonsie, - 'unbiased help'? Surely, you want them to be free to live the best life they can? I can't see a problem at all - except, perhaps your attitude and personal anxiety/fear of being left behind?

Her family circumstances and upbringing were different - so what? There's no point in stamping your feet and saying 'It's not fair!' is there?

Princessjonsie - I think the “why are the grandparents trying to plan their lives out” was in reference to your DILs parents, not yourself. Your DILs father in particular appears to believe that, trivializing the weight of those decisions and it’s that which I believe you are feeling unease about. Her father makes it sound as if it’s a win-win-win all around, only remembering after the fact that you are also a part of that equation and then likely felt embarrassed by his mistake (which he should be). So I think your issue is not that the young couple may be moving but that her parents are seemingly so self-centered that they must be reminded that not only is his daughter having a child but also your son, that they aren’t the only grandparents here, AND that you in fact are that other grandparent (like hello?? Earth to Mr Bigshot? )

I’m very sorry that your sons in-laws are so crass in the manner that they are. I think you should expect to do a healthy amount of advocating for yourself in the future! Maybe take a class on that one, you’ll need it with them