Neurodiverse grandchild suspended from school

Hetty58, you were very fortunate. I was an army brat. I went to 8 primary schools and 2 secondary schools and my childhood was complicated by a medical condition that also caused me problems.

I think, all I ever wanted was for people, other children, teachers, occasionally parents, to just accept me for what I was and stop constantly trying to make this square peg fit into a round hole. It was often done with the best of intentions, to make my life 'easier', by helping me to be like other people, but all I wanted was to be accepted for what I was. I was not disruptiveor difficult in that sense.

This is one thing I have been able to give my neuro diverse children and which my neuro diverse DGS also receives and that is complet acceptance of who they are.

Yes, I do try to play his games with him, but maybe not as much as I could. I will make that a real priority.
He loves Lego and has really complicated kits. He also loves the Lego magazines. I have sourced lots from local charity shops so he and his cousin have plenty to play with when they come and stay.
Our family also has a range of neurodiversity, Wyllow3. DD had to pay a grand for her own recent diagnosis which was a huge relief to her after years of struggling. She now works in adult autism services! Her partner is also on the autism spectrum and as a child had behavioural issues at school. I have dyscalculia and our second DD has also ( in addition to a rare form of the already rare condition of Goltz syndrome!) My DH is also on the spectrum.

I feel really encouraged and empowered having read everyone's input and personal stories. I am deeply grateful for all of it. Gransnet at its very best indeed!

Correct typos - " In practice waiting lists are over a year often..."

Hetty58

M0nica, way back in the 1950s I was recognised as 'different' and allowed out of the classroom to go for a 'drink of water' or chat with the nurse at any time.

I was also allowed to read my book - while the others caught up with stuff I knew backwards. I just couldn't sit still for long and felt so cooped up and out of place.

I do wonder how much things have really improved since then. There may be more understanding but where's the calm atmosphere, the lovely staff with time to spare, the freedom to go and play outside?

Your last paragraph linings the problem. Its resources....time...and removing the pressure of SATS and similar far too early.

Yes, in theory there are individual treatment/education plans and access to Educational`Psychologists and adequate classroom support. In arctic eating lists are lover a year often and definitely lack of adequate classroom support.

Loved your post Doodle spot on. Enter their world, as far as possible.

Hetty58

My neurodiverse grandson wouldn't care two hoots about being suspended - in fact, he'd view it as a victory (it could even encourage a repeat of the 'crime' too). Everyone is different.

I see it all as something for the parents and school to sort out - with grandparents being supportive but in the background.

We've many neurodiverse children, grandchildren (and really me). Grandparents do much caring from a distance.

Our family includes ADHD, Dyspraxia, Dyscalculia, Dyslexia.

All managed well.

M0nica, way back in the 1950s I was recognised as 'different' and allowed out of the classroom to go for a 'drink of water' or chat with the nurse at any time.

I was also allowed to read my book - while the others caught up with stuff I knew backwards. I just couldn't sit still for long and felt so cooped up and out of place.

I do wonder how much things have really improved since then. There may be more understanding but where's the calm atmosphere, the lovely staff with time to spare, the freedom to go and play outside?

My neurodiverse grandson wouldn't care two hoots about being suspended - in fact, he'd view it as a victory (it could even encourage a repeat of the 'crime' too). Everyone is different.

I see it all as something for the parents and school to sort out - with grandparents being supportive but in the background.

Doodle

Rowantree “make up a complicated game where only he knows the rules”. Oh yes, I know that one well.
Also the taking about his current obsession.
I don’t think many young children, neurodivergent or otherwise, can really discuss their feelings at that age and may not really want to. If you can bear it try to find out a bit about Minecraft and Lego so you can talk to him about it, follow his lead in letting him talk to you about what he wants rather than you trying to lead the conversation to where you want to go.
We were lucky to live close to DGS so I spent a lot of time playing Lego with him. On many occasions we spent hours on the floor sorting every single Lego piece out by size and colours and shape. We built the most amazing array of cars and vehicles. To get close to your DGS try and play with him what he wants to play. I’ve spent countless hours playing car chases, building Lego playing computer games. Ignore the adults, you can chat with them later. Give him what he needs. A friend who loves him to play with. I can’t tell you how rewarding it is to have a tall handsome hunk of a man give me a massive hug and say I love you grandma. We have a bond built of those times.
Lego doesn’t have to be expensive you can buy small kits. If you are meeting up with them for a holiday perhaps get some and help him build them. Also perhaps a card game like UNO you can play together.
Sorry. I’ve been rambling on. As you can see it’s a subject close to my heart.

I picked up a lot of Lego from a 2nd hand shop recently. I was telling a friend who directed me to a local charity shop that has quite a substantial toy section.

You local authority must provide details of the support available in the area, its known as the local offer. The quality varies from area to area but its usually a good place for advice and support.

Rowantree, wishing you and your wee grandson and family well. I hope you all enjoy your family holiday in Devon.
I'm so impressed and touched by all the positive, supportive responses, from wise
and experienced posters, to your OP.
This is GN at its best.

Lovely post Doodle. Bravo.

Rowantree the National Autistic Society has a wealth of information and help on its website. It might be worth looking at www.autism.org.uk/

Rowantree “make up a complicated game where only he knows the rules”. Oh yes, I know that one well.
Also the taking about his current obsession.
I don’t think many young children, neurodivergent or otherwise, can really discuss their feelings at that age and may not really want to. If you can bear it try to find out a bit about Minecraft and Lego so you can talk to him about it, follow his lead in letting him talk to you about what he wants rather than you trying to lead the conversation to where you want to go.
We were lucky to live close to DGS so I spent a lot of time playing Lego with him. On many occasions we spent hours on the floor sorting every single Lego piece out by size and colours and shape. We built the most amazing array of cars and vehicles. To get close to your DGS try and play with him what he wants to play. I’ve spent countless hours playing car chases, building Lego playing computer games. Ignore the adults, you can chat with them later. Give him what he needs. A friend who loves him to play with. I can’t tell you how rewarding it is to have a tall handsome hunk of a man give me a massive hug and say I love you grandma. We have a bond built of those times.
Lego doesn’t have to be expensive you can buy small kits. If you are meeting up with them for a holiday perhaps get some and help him build them. Also perhaps a card game like UNO you can play together.
Sorry. I’ve been rambling on. As you can see it’s a subject close to my heart.

My goodness, after an event like this I would be up at the school insisting that I saw the relevant teacher and head to discuss this incident in detail. I do not mean angrily, or getting het up, but for a school to suspend a child, even for a day and a half, and not immediately have a meeting with the child's parents to discuss the issue is outrageous.

I am nerodivergnt and so are my son and grandson. My son walked out of school when he was 11 after a minor row in the classroom with another child. The school rang us directly, we located DS and then went straight back to school and the teachers were ready when we arrived, to settle DS in a corner with a good book, and a teddy bear from the Headmaster's office to cuddle, while we sat down and had a constructive and useful talk with the staff - and this was before awareness of neurodivergence was defined or known about. But the school had already recognised his vulnerability and responded rapidly and thoughtfully when an incident arose.

Now we know about neurodivergency it is what I would expect from any school and I would be asking and insisting on it immediately an incident happened, if it wasn't immediately offered.

Thank you all so much for your wise, kind and reassuring thoughts and advice. Very much appreciated and plenty of food for thought.
Ultimately you're all right that we can support best by listening and being a loving shoulder ( and arms).
All of us - both daughters, partners, and grandchildren will be spending spring bank holiday week together at an air BnB house in Devon. It worked well last year in Yorkshire and was precious time together. I'm hoping we can keep things calm, gentle, reassuring and
loving, avoiding too much overstimulation or excitement!

DD hasn't yet told me exactly what happened but I know she will when she feels able. I don't want to push it.
I'd love to zoom DGS, Doodle, but he finds concentrating difficult and usually dominates any attempt at conversation with a monologue about his latest obsession ( Lego and Minecraft currently....) or he'll make up a complicated game where only he knows the rules. He can't engage in any talk about feelings, though that never stops me telling him how much I love him, hoping that somehow it will register! He just looks blank. Little gifts, and maybe letters, might be a good way forward though.
What could be particularly relevant is that he had his birthday and party at the weekend ( bowling) and so was on a high on Monday. Overstimulation is often a danger sign. We're pretty sure ADHD is part of his condition as well as being on the autistic spectrum.
He's currently in the last year of infant school and starts junior school in September. His mum and dad are pleased he's going to the school where he has a place, partly because there's a good SENCO and they have a good record for support children with special needs.
Shelflife it's so encouraging to read about such positive outcomes and that your grandson feels he's finally feeling so self confident. What a lovely and heartening story.

Rowantree, I ' feel ' your distress. Gloryannie has given you sound advice. It may be the school is not dealing appropriately with the situation. Your GS must feel totally overwhelmed in the classroom and his behaviour demonstrates that. He needs a ' time out' space , I wonder if that is available to him. My GS now a teenager has ADHD and he found it very hard to stay on task and concentrate. Primary school was not too bad but he struggled in high school and was excluded. GCSEs were a disaster!! I said to my daughter " he will be better out of school" He is now on a college course and doing well. He is now feeling he is in the correct place and feeling good about himself. He said to me "Grandma I feel now, I am doing what I should be doing instead of getting it wrong all the time" We are so proud of him! He is of course growing up and maturing into a fine young man . School was never the right place for him. Your GS is only 7, it may be a change of school would be a good option. Don't despair ! Things will eventually improve, he has a loving supportive family that will stand him in good stead . Good luck 🍀

My DGS was never suspended from school but then neither were those who hit him, punched him and called him names and bullied him throughout his school days.
Like others I don’t know why your DGS was suspended but he needs all the help and love you and your family can give.
Only now as my DGS is much older can he begin to explain to others what his life is like and the things that cause him distress.
However much we love them I had no idea of the struggle he had every day just to present a ‘normal’ mask to the world.
You say you live a long way away. Could you face time him regularly and tell him you love him. Send him little gifts ( not expensive but thoughtful) so he knows there are people who care. It really is important.
His parents need to find out more about the incident and how the school are going to support him going forward. Maybe another school may be more suitable. School is important but not at the expense of the child’s well-being and mental health. For many neurodiverse children they are places of extreme unhappiness. I wish you all well.

This is tough, and good for you to want to help and support.

I understand you don't want to divulge the nature, or severity of the 'incident'- but I think it is a major factor too, about what to do in the future. Parents should really go and discuss this with the Head, teacher and perhaps supporting staff- to see how you can all work together to help, and perhaps bring in outside agencies. As GP, you can offer support, but may have to step back too, unless asked to be part of the 'solution and forwards' official team, and listen and offer a shoulder.

I suppose the school have to take other children and their safety into account too so if the incident involved lashing out at another child they may have had little choice.
It’s difficult I know, I have a grandson with similar behaviour. It’s hard but hope things get sorted out without any more upset.
As for support you are probably doing that anyway, just by listening.

So sorry about what is happening Rowantree hope your DGS is feeling a bit better and can cope with a return to school. Needless to say suspension should always be a last resort for a school and it sounds as if this isn't being handled very well, but I hope I can offer some help. Firstly be assured that your GS isn't unusual and schools do sometimes fail to cope with neurodivergent children, and indeed may not be the best places for them as they grow older. That doesn't mean they need to miss out on education just you need to be open to alternatives sometimes.

Anyway your present situation. The provision for your GS should state clearly what is expected of him, what he struggles with and how his behaviour will be dealt with, with clear steps for helping him understand and improve. There is no reason this has to wait until he goes to junior school. His present class teacher should have a clear and set out programme for each half term and he should be assessed, improvements noted, and targets set at the end of each half term.

Whatever happened to result in his suspension the staff should have learned from this and should be putting in place actions which would stop this ever happening again. Some children just need a safe space they can remove themselves to when things get on top of them.

For you and your family just keep loving him for who he is. Neurodivergent children sometimes have particular talents or skills and encouraging him to develop anything like that will be so good for him. Make it clear to him that you understand his difficulties and want to help him cope with things. School is important but it isn't everything. As he gets older what he is doing outside school can be just as important.
It sounds as if you have a good relationship with your daughter and she will discuss things with you which is great. Just having a sympathetic ear can help ease the strain of parenting a child. If he is loved and supported he will be OK. He may not have as easy a time of it as some children. He will always be different, but difference is something to celebrate. Good luck