Should I provide Childcare??

I’m in a similar situation. But Amy daughter needs about 20 hours a week in a flexible arrangement. No money ( we’re ok financially). My husband is disabled and I’m worried I’ll be stretched too far caring for multiple generations. I agreed but I’m worried sick that I’ll let them down. 🫤

My daughter is a single parent who adopted two siblings (two and five) just over two years ago. She loves children and worked as a nanny when she was younger, but it was still a lot to take on. We moved to be near her and now I do at least four school runs every week to enable her to get to work. Her son is starting school in September, going from full-time nursery care to (very) part-time school so I will be helping out more for a while. In the holidays they'll be at some sort of holiday camp with slightly shorter hours than school and I'm happy to help with the hours she can't be there.
However she's worked from home for two days a week and now changed jobs so she'll be at home for three days. Although she knows I'm happy to look after the children if they are sick, she's always gone out of her way to arrange as much childcare as she can afford as she believes that it is her responsibility to do this.
Your daughter's condition (whatever it is) sadly means that she has no flexibility which is what makes it so difficult for you I guess?
Personally I would not have agreed to take on a small child for three or four days a week, and I'm fairly fit (though getting on a bit!).
There's absolutely no need for you to feel guilty about not being able to take on what she asked, the children are her responsibilty.

I can say from experience that being 70 with OA causing pain and physical limitations, even one day a week looking after a young baby, with help from DH, proved too much, especially with the extra load of collecting her sister from school, taking and fetching her from Brownies plus a sleepover - the older sister not the young baby who went home after a 12-13 hour day.
I managed fine with my older DGD some 7-8 years ago, a shorter day.
Certainly don't feel bad about declining in favour of the Montessori nursery and please don't feel you should take on something that ultimately you can't manage. Best to be truthful and say that you can't manage: our adult children should realise that as we age we have limitations!

I would say don't do it. I had to leave my job early for health reasons arthritis. When my daughter had her baby some years back my husband suggested I look after the baby as I "no longer worked". He said it would be a doddle looking after a little one as we raised six children of our own, I foolishly agreed. Our granddaughter was a delight we played together made cakes went for walks and had a lovely time, but once she turned two it became more of a challenge for me with arthritis becoming worst. I broke down in tears and told my daughter they would have to put her into preschool it was to much for me. So glad I made that decision my granddaughter thrived, I did it just in time as our other children went on to have children and I made it clear no childminding from me. Our youngest often makes comments about doing it for one and not for his children but as I point out I am in my seventies and his wife's father is the same age as our eldest daughter.

I agree wth other people, and the fact you ask really answers your own question. My DD2 run the idea by me of her going back to work and me watching grandchild, this was dismissed as a not workable idea and she found a great childminder. Like others I am happy to help out of needed but not fit enough to do anything regularly

I agree - opt for one day a week, and let the parents figure it out.

I cared for my granddaughter for 2 years full-time (but I was only mid-50s) and my SIL was still ungrateful. The time with her built an incredible bond with her, so I don't begrudge it; do what feels best for you. It's okay to say no, too. Montessori is not a bad option either.

I would stay clear of her OCD issues and do NOT suggest she postpone going back to work. Do not judge the parents’ decision! Expect that they have discussed this and agree that going back to work is important. If Montessori is an available option, tell them you really appreciate her giving you the opportunity but that you have two issues preventing you from doing so, financial and most importantly, physical limitations. Tell her that you are physically unable to do more than be a backup in a pinch. How can daughter respond to that by saying, “yes you are physically able”? In my experience just getting an infant in and out of a car seat is exhausting!!

It is your daughter's child and not yours. She should have considered childcare before deciding on having a family. offer a few hours a week if you want to but anymore would be wrong for your health

Nursery is the best option - it’s hard work when they are babies, let alone moving around!
Plus if you were at theirs you’d be cleaning, cooking, etc (it’s hard not to)…
Emergency childcare might be an option as little ones can’t attend obviously when they are poorly but you need to look after yourself to keep well and have a lovely time/relationship with the child as they grow up - enjoy and take care of yourself xxx

I really think it unreasonable to be taken for granted this way. You are clearly not able to take care of a small child and your daughter should realise that.
Tell her just how much time you would be able to manage without damaging your own health and ask her to work around that.

Free vet care for answering the phone? Where can I find this job!

I also don’t understand why adult children ask their mothers to look after their babies when they know full well they struggle with health issues, I looked after my grandson when he was baby but my daughter didn’t go back to work that quickly, you are saying she’s not open to a flexible arrangement due to her ocd! Her ocd shouldn’t be your problem, i don’t think I would feel honoured that she has asked you to be encrusted by looking after your grandchild. She’s not looking at the bigger picture, you are in chronic pain !

I think you know the answer… a resounding no!

I agree with Primrose 53. When did it become the norm to assume grandparent s will be childminders ? This whole story about “having” to go back to work ? Fine if it’s financial necessity but if it’s not then pay a childminder , not buy a better car / house !

I think the mere fact you’re asking indicates you really, really don’t want to do it! Two of my GC went to a nursery from 6 months and they’ve grown up to be very independent, sociable children (now 11 & 13). Yes we helped out when they were ill and collected them from time to time. We also helped out once they were school at school during holidays etc. Stand your ground…

Fr what you say even one day would be difficult. And you love your job. Say you will be a backstop for those times eg when Montessori on strike, any emergency etc. What M0nica said too.

I have my 12 month old gd 2 days a week and as much as k love having her it's very tiring and by the end if 2nd day I'm exhausted 4 days would be out of the question and I'm in pretty good health ideally 2 days nursery and 2 days with you would probably be more manageable I'd explain you don't feel up to it now rather than try to do it and then have to make other arrangements

Hi I’ve arthritis and fibo and I have one of granddaughters who is a 2yr go go I pick her up from nursery 2 days a week she is in full time nursery and as being since a baby. Only have her a couple of hours and I’m wreaked she doesn’t sit still from the min she gets home until the min her parents get home. Both in the military So you imagine that for 8 plus hours. My grandson is 4 and even he is the same. Both my daughter inlaws both said I’m nanna not nanny lol and the whole idea is to enjoy our time together not be a chore.

Hi, all I can do is agree with the comments, I had my granddaughter from an infant to school age, and then every school holiday till she was about 10/11. It was only one day a week, but I developed fibromyalgia during that time. I had to get up at 6.00 to get to theirs, semi rural area, difficult roads. Not a penny offered. Not that that really matters but it was so difficult at times I could have cried. I did love being with her and appreciated the trust they had in me. Trouble is now I`m older I have been expected to step in quite often and I just can`t which doesn`t go down well. I do so understand the fibro. Its your turn to enjoy your life, you`ve done your share .xx

Just to addto the above posts from my experience looking after a baby/child requires a lot more than watching. The feeding playing nappies walks..... I could go on.

The issue here is how to stop rolling over your own boundaries and be assertive

You won't be doing yourself or your daughter any favours of you say 3 days vs 1 and then nursery cannot readjust to the new request

Plenty of nurseries have waiting lists and this could also be an issue your daughter is encountering - hence the early arrangements

Don't do it! We looked after our DGC all day before they went to school and just that one day was exhausting. Now have them one day after school and all one day during the holidays. It doesn't get any easier. If you feel able, offer one day at most.

It’s hard to explain to young parents how exhausting their babies can be. I am 78 and not in good health but have helped out with our grandsons wherever possible, even travelling back and forth to France where we lived for many years. I recently had a disagreement with my eldest DD when she thought I should be more committed to her when a family funeral clashed with an event where she needed me to look after my autistic grandson for two nights. She had no idea how stressful this conflict was for me, only how it affected her. Fortunately my dear OH stepped in and we shared the childcare. Lou Lou, you need to do some straight talking to your daughter before things get this far. Good luck!

I would gladly look after my DGD every day of the week but she’s 11! I could not do it for a baby, who will soon enough be a toddler, and I have lower levels of pain than the OP. There is a lot of good advice on here about how to tell you daughter that one day a week would be possible. Please don’t feel selfish about it.

I looked after a grandchild two days a week from age 6 for three years, I was also working 20 hours a week and as much as I enjoyed it as a physically fit and energetic 56 year old it was exhausting… I’m now four years later looking after another one for one day a week while working 12 hours and in all honesty I am just about managing.. I have met many grandparents at baby/ toddler groups who all started off committing to 3 or 4 days a week but had to gradually reduce the days due to tiredness yet many of them were in good health.. wishing you well