Should I provide Childcare??

This seems to cause a lot of ill feeling in some families .

Everything is fine if you feel well , have the energy and no other commitments .

One of my friends does it six days a week travelling to her daughter's so she can clean as well .
She's up at five and goes to bed at eight .
She's given up all her interests , compromised her marriage and become bad tempered and unpleasant company .

I know another couple , who care for their grandchildren seven days a week and take them on holiday as well .

The husband wants to leave .

On both cases - it started as three days a week .

A baby of four months needs his / her mother .

If you don't feel well and gave a painful condition like fibromyalgia and have a job that you can manage .

If you need to rest by two or three - how are you going to care for the baby until your daughter returns later ?

Be prepared for a knee jerk reaction , disappointment and anger - culminating in emotional blackmail even being threatened with not being allowed to see your grandchild .

I'm wishing you lots of luck .

10 years is a long time when we are in our 60-70’s . I looked after twins once a week for a day a week when I was 63 , I was still able to run after them when they went in opposite directions ! I didn’t get asked by other AC as she was a childminder when her children were young .But now I’m 73 I couldn’t even anticipate it . I’m still able to look after GC as they are all over 7 now and they tend to look after me !

just.
say.
no.

We do a fair amount of childcare and it does take up a lot of time and energy. Eldest 2 are at school and youngest starts in August, then there's swimming, dancing, football etc.
I would say it is harder physically to look after a toddler than a baby as they have boundless energy and may or may not have a nap. Is there no chance of you doing a bit along with the nursery as that would maybe allow you to keep your job? Or rest. It is hard if you have looked after another grandchild but sounds like you were a lot fitter and younger then.

I think sometimes our children have rose coloured specs on when looking at us! My daughter thinks I'm much fitter and younger than I am. I look after my two grandsons two days a week and I'm exhausted afterwards. I'm happy to do it, but it is hard work. You will need to have a hard conversation with your daughter about your capabilities or lack of them. You also work and enjoy it so that needs taken into consideration

My youngest grandchild is just 15. I looked after him from 6.30 am till approx 3pm Monday to Friday from age 9 months until he went to school. I was mid 60s to 70 back then, and it was tiring, but I wanted to help out, but no way could I have started again with any more after that. If your daughter knows full well that you aren`t well, she shouldn`t even be asking you.

eazybee

The issue that needs to be confronted is your daughter's obsessive compulsive disorder. She is attempting to return to work far too soon, and trying to blackmail you into doing four days a week full time care for her child. You clearly do not want to, and you should not be compelled by guilt into doing it.
The care of the baby is the parents' responsibility and they must sort it out, putting . Again, the mother must confront the OCD issue; the baby's welfare comes first. first
You do one day, she does two and the father one. Covered, and all within the family.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I do loads of childcare for DD’s but am in my 50’s and fit and healthy.
One day will be more than enough for you.

The key to this is how you tell your daughter, given that you were able to look after your younge daughter's child.

Say that you would love to do for her what you did for her sister BUT, and then explain about your health problems and loss of stamina, let her know that both your children are equally important to you and so are your DGC.

So often when hard decisions like this need to be made, everything hangs on how you deliver the decision rather than the decision itself.

Montessori is a lovely atmosphere for a baby.. you obviously wouldn't be able to cope.. one day a week max..

I have nothing really to add to what's already been said LouLou. You shouldn't feel you're being selfish, 4 days a week is a big commitment and it would be harder I think, if you agreed to do this only to find you couldn't manage having given up your job in the process.

One day a week and helping out if the baby is unwell as a nursery wouldn't take the baby if s/he was unwell. That would give your D and SIL peace of mind.

Dear grandma, no way. Fibromyalgi is as you know chronic, painful and tiring,

And giving up a job to earn less, doing more, isn't on either, is it?

Unfortunately, saying no, may well cause offence to your DD and SIL especially as you looked after your other grandchild ten years ago.

The diplomatic way of saying no, would to my mind, be to hint gently that you are terrified that your chronic ailment might mean you could not look after the baby properly.

Wasn't it Jo in Little Women who was accused of having dropped Amy into the coal scuttle when she was a baby? All right in fiction, but not so good in real life!

Say you won't do it all the time but are willing to help out in emergencies.

You've recognised that you're not as fit as you once were and childcare is exhausting.

Much as you'd like to help, you need to put yourself first.

If they can afford a Montessori nursery let them do that! I have said to my daughter in the past, I love you all very dearly but I can't look after a baby full time. 4 days is full time. I'd do 1 day maybe. And without sounding heartless why have another baby if Mom has decided to go back to work? Maybe they both need part time jobs so that they can juggle their own childcare. I don't agree that it should just be Mom sorting the care out.

My answer would be no. The Montessori can give far more than you can with your illness and they are there every day what if you have a bad day and need to rest or a hospital appointment?
I don't think they are really considering your circumstances and are playing with your heartstrings by asking.

Free vet care to me is a no brainer. How could you be expected to give up your job for half the pay and 3 times the work?

You enjoy your job with the perks attached. I know what I would do. Your daughter will have to look elsewhere.

The odd emergency is fine but not almost the entire week.

LouLou, it looks like you now have your answer, good luck . If you can manage one day a week child care then fine - but do no be afraid to say NO ! Chicken Licken makes a very good point - she wants to be a GM not a child care facility - please think about that. How any parent can even think that their own Mum would be happy to have their child for 4 days each week beggars belief!!!

Jennifer Eccles, the poster sounds like she is in the US and women don't have the same maternity protection as what they do in the UK.

I agree that Montessori nursery sounds like a good plan. There should be no expectation that grandparents give up their own job to raise their grandchildren. I realise this is a very Western view but I don;t necessarily think it is wrong

LouLou23 some great advice & suggestions shared here. From my own experience, I had DGS all day once a week to help out, when he started nursery there was more travelling & school runs - tiring but that was 15 years ago & I coped. I have done a lot of childminding for the DGCs (10/7/5/4/2) but I find their parents’ expectations of me are too much (unnecessary sleepovers for the parents’ social lives; long hours, tricky school runs as distance & parking make it a nightmare). I could go on.
Bottom line is, I want to be a grandmother, not a daycare facility. Family business means I can potentially be flexible but I still have to get work done, meaning later hours etc for me. AC don’t take hints & I was getting increasingly resentful. The only thing that improved matters was a major row between AC which I got dragged into, it allowed me to speak up & now some of the AC are sulky towards me. But I’m fed up of the manipulation & emotional blackmail. There are many other grandparents in the schoolyard who confide similar thoughts, love the DGC, don’t mind helping out, but it is too much/too tiring/taking up time that we should be free to spend as we please.
When raising our brood, I worked nights whilst DH had the kids. I never expected nor got help from others & childcare options were abysmal around here in the 80s.
I hope you find a way forward that is right for you, it’s one thing minding a baby who can be rocked to sleep, completely another when it’s a preschooler with endless energy who needs to be kept safe.

Is it an absolute financial necessity for your daughter to return to work when the baby is only four months old?
It’s so soon isn’t it? What about feeding?
If she really doesn’t have to work, couldn’t you gently try to persuade her to defer work and just enjoy her baby?

We don’t necessarily realise it at the time but the early days and weeks with a new baby just pass so quickly. I think it’s so sad that so many mothers miss out on so much by rushing back to work too soon.

Unfortunately of course in some cases the family finances mean that new mothers have to be earning which may be the case here.

Regarding the possibility of you helping with childcare though, is your daughter aware of how your illness affects you?
Fibromyalgia is a nasty illness.

I had my GC one day each week, loved it! but any more than that would have been a chore!! You know your limitations so stick to your guns. You have a 12 hour a week job that you enjoy with the added bonus of free veterinary care for your cat - that is a great bonus - don't lose it! IMO 3 to 4 days each week is far too much even if you were in perfect health. You daughter may be paying you for childcare but that makes no difference, she is asking too much of you. I recognize her OCD may complicate the situation but you must follow your feelings and say no to having your life disrupted in this monumental fashion!!! Their child , their responsibility they must sort this out themselves. I read about this so often and recognize some grandparents are happy to devote so much of their lives to their GC and that is fine , but you are not in the best of health so take care of yourself. IMO parents should not expect their own parents to ' bring up their children ' !??? Just to add I love my GC dearly and although they are all in school now I am here for them in an emergency, and they love the odd sleep over at Grandma's!
I most certainly would not have had my GC 3/ 4 days each week , even when git and younger - and my AC earn very little. I have had my children and most certainly did not rely on my lovely Mum for too much. Adult children are just that - ADULTS!!!! They should behave as such.

The issue that needs to be confronted is your daughter's obsessive compulsive disorder. She is attempting to return to work far too soon, and trying to blackmail you into doing four days a week full time care for her child. You clearly do not want to, and you should not be compelled by guilt into doing it.
The care of the baby is the parents' responsibility and they must sort it out, putting . Again, the mother must confront the OCD issue; the baby's welfare comes first. first
You do one day, she does two and the father one. Covered, and all within the family.

You need to explain, much as you have here, why you’re sorry that it’s just not going to be possible.

I was 67 and in relatively good health when Gdd1 arrived, and did do one day a week (I offered) until Gds arrived only 15 months later. I knew that 2 would be too much - especially if they didn’t have coordinated naps - so after dd’s mat. leave was over, we helped with childcare costs instead.

I/we will still do emergencies/one offs - Gdd1 is 8 now and there’s a Gdd2 of 3 - but I do frankly find it all a lot more tiring now.

I’d just add, when Gds was only 4 months, he was in hospital for a week with severe bronchiolitis. For most of that week (dd being at the hospital) I looked after Gdd1, still then under 2. She was a very easy little girl, but I still found it exhausting. I felt like a wet rag once I eventually got home (60 miles away), promptly succumbed to a stinking cold, followed almost immediately by shingles!

I still put that down to my immune system being badly affected by exhaustion. Awful warning!!!

We had all of our grandchildren in turn for one day a week before they went to school. One day a week was enough. It is tiring! There is a reason why women in their 60s can’t have babies. We don’t have the same energy. You have to say a polite and gentle no.

What I don’t understand is why kids even ASK parents who are not in good health to help out. When I went back to work my parents were newly retired. I was going to ask them but I realised one day that they could do what they want, when they wanted and enjoy days out together. They also had a few bob for the first time in their lives as they were both getting state pensions. I decided to pay a childminder instead.

My own nieces asked their Mum to look after their kids while they worked and she had been seriously ill with cancer. My husband was furious as it was too much for her. She did though because she said “she felt sorry for them” but she has passed away now.

A Montessori nursery is a great option.

I would not have the energy to do what your daughter is asking.
If she is on the spectrum and wants absolute continuity the pressure will be immense if you start on this path and then get to the point where you can't continue.

Value your " social" happy vet job (and don't forget the cat cover that comes with it) and say no.

Tell her what you have told us - that you are honored she would entrust you with her baby and can offer her one day (or 2 half days if that works for you) but you don't feel able to do what she is asking.

Thinking of you.