Does the maternal gran always have the advantage?

Smileless2012

I just can't imagine anyone saying to their AC the things you've heard Mercuryqueen.

It's a strange world we live in isn't it where there are GP's only concerned about spending time with their GC to the detriment of their relationship with their AC, and heart broken parents estranged by their AC who lose not just their child but their GC too.

I mean, if you think about it, people getting angry about new parents choosing not to have visitors in the first few day-weeks after baby is born is shades of the same behaviour. They’re not prioritizing the new parents at that point, but their desire for the baby.

I don’t know if you’d consider that putting the baby ahead of their own AC or themselves ahead of the AC, but either way, it’s definitely not putting the relationship with their own kid first.

NO - in answers to the question !

I definitely think it’s an internet thing. Mumsnet had a 20 page thread on it the other day. And get this, it was a young mum with young sons already worried about not getting “equal” time with her hypothetical grandchildren! You can’t make this up. One pregnant mum even spoke about having a breakdown, tears and all, after finding out she was having another boy for the very same reason as the OP. The next generation of over anxious, competitive grans has already arrived

lyleLyle When did being a grandparent become such a competition? I don’t remember this dynamic as a child. Can’t really imagine either of my nans keeping tabs on how often we saw the other.

It's perhaps just a false dichotomy, here on GN. I've not met people who actually care how much, who visit GC when or "alone time" nan visits.

Peculiar innt? The more nice people children have round, the better!

I just can't imagine anyone saying to their AC the things you've heard Mercuryqueen.

It's a strange world we live in isn't it where there are GP's only concerned about spending time with their GC to the detriment of their relationship with their AC, and heart broken parents estranged by their AC who lose not just their child but their GC too.

When did being a grandparent become such a competition? I don’t remember this dynamic as a child. Can’t really imagine either of my nans keeping tabs on how often we saw the other. I don’t actually see it in real life either. But the internet is so full of these musings about who gets to see the grandchildren the most, who has an “advantage”. It’s bizarre. I blame social media. Nowadays, even the older generations seem desperate to show off on Facebook, creating and projecting massive insecurity. “Look at me, my grandchildren love me. I’m such a great nan.” I hate to be the old lady begging for “simpler” times but I find all of these self-inflicted family issues tiring. Raise family oriented men so that they see it is their responsibility to keep their children in touch with the family. Prioritize your relationship with your own children so that they don’t feel pushed aside for shiny new object (babies). And for pete’s sake stop keeping tabs on the baby’s other family.

My daughter was the last to become a parents. I am genuinely as close to her child as I am the children of my boys. Can’t think of a single time I felt insecure about my relationship with my grandchildren as the paternal gran because how and when they see their other grandparents has absolutely nothing to do with me. Focus on loving the entire little family.

Smileless2012

No one can take the place of your own child. You love your GC because they're a part of your own child, not a replacement of them.

One would think, but I’ve heard, “I didn’t know what love was until I had grandchildren!” and, “I love my grandchildren most!” and even, “I love them more than their parents!”

Bonus points for, “But we’re not here to visit you, we’re here to see the gc!” and demands to have the kids alone, making it clear that parents are an obstacle.

People really seem to have no problem announcing it.

I'm granny to 3 DGC. My DD and DGC have no contact with the Paternal Grandparents which was their choice after DD took their son to court for DV. They were convinced it wasn't true even though he admitted it and was found guilty. Their excuse was she would fabricate allegations against them. We have very regular contact with DGC and are always invited to everything birthdays, school events, swimming galas, etc and they visit and stay often. We stay with DD often too.
My DS has 2 DC that we see quite regularly but have never been invited to birthday parties or school plays etc. We looked after the eldest when DIL went back to work but after that it was mainly her mum who was there regularly. DIL now no longer talks to her mum but I wouldn't say we were any closer since that happened. The DGC come with our son for a week in the school holidays but DIL won't stay and has only visited 3 times in 4 years. When we visit them we've never been invited for a meal with the exception of 1 Xmas Dinner.
It's definitely more difficult being the Paternal Grandparents.

"Advantage" ? It makes it sound like a competition (or a tennis match!)
But I think the answer is no. It depends on so many things, the existing relationships before there are any GC, distances, how much grandparents want to be involved etc etc.
I am a paternal nanny but don't feel "overshadowed "by the maternal grandparents. I think I have a good relationship with my son's lovely partner, but I assume she feels closer to her own mum, but it is never an issue.
Incidentally I wouldn't pick up ANY new baby without asking or "gently correct bad behaviour" if the parents were there

Smileless2012

No one can take the place of your own child. You love your GC because they're a part of your own child, not a replacement of them.

Nice when people feel that way and act on it, but all too often life becomes "all about the baby" -- quite unkind to ones own adult children.

No one can take the place of your own child. You love your GC because they're a part of your own child, not a replacement of them.

NotSpaghetti

^children feel kicked aside by the grandchildren.^ - I think this is true in lots of cases - but confess I don't understand how it happens.

I fail to understand how anyone couldn't place their own child in priority position, but it happens. Sad adult children kicked aside by a baby.

As I have sons only, I thought this would be the case when I became a grandmother. But I was wrong. I've been very involved with all my grandchildren. Partly due to circumstances of course, but also because I was the one who loved to take them out and about, which their mums seemed to appreciate as it gave them free time of course. They are all grown up now and I still see them all more or less regularly.
Also, I've simply been lucky, I think.

We have five sons and no GC as yet. I will have to see how things work out if we ever do have GC! I feel well warned!!

Yes. You're undoubtedly right MercuryQueen but what I meant is that I don't understand how anyone thinks their baby (now an adult) is less important than their grandchild.

NotSpaghetti

^children feel kicked aside by the grandchildren.^ - I think this is true in lots of cases - but confess I don't understand how it happens.

I think it starts fairly simply. An example would be, before baby, visits were every 6 weeks, or even months apart. Holidays.

Baby shows up, and suddenly weekly visits are in demand.

It sends the message that their AC wasn’t important enough to visit before, but the gc are. I can think of several variations on the theme, including a friend being told, flat out, that it was more important to visit sibling with kids than her, and that’s why they didn’t ask what her schedule was like for holidays.

children feel kicked aside by the grandchildren. - I think this is true in lots of cases - but confess I don't understand how it happens.

MercuryQueen It had everything to do with the personalities and relationships established before baby arrives than it does biology, imo.

Always true, imo.

Either one loves their own children unconditionally, or their children feel kicked aside by the grandchildren. Problem right there.

It had everything to do with the personalities and relationships established before baby arrives than it does biology, imo.

I trusted neither my mother nor MIL. Neither were actually interested in our kids, other than for pics and gossip.

I escaped by never living in the same time zone as either of them after marriage.

I have two sons and one grandson. I like my DiL a whole lot and I hope and feel she likes me back. Her own parents are divorced so this grandchild of mine, little happy ray of sunshine that he is, has 2 doting paternal grandparents (my husband and myself), one doting maternal grandmother (divorced), and one doting maternal grandfather + his girlfriend acting as maternal step-grandmother. The baby is happy, our son is happy, our DiL is happy and everybody, I feel, is happy and feeling we get to be with the precious little one as often as we can. On the flip side, and because life has its ironies, my own parents lived quite far from us when my boys were growing and so did not get to see them often unfortunately, while my father in law and mother in law lived just around the corner, could have been with them as much as they wanted but just couldn't care less or be bothered. So, you see, life is not always linear and nothing, ever, is set in stone when it comes to human relationships. Enjoy the great grandchild

I've always been closer to my DD's children, than my DS son - but that's simply distance - my son lives in America.

I've had and have a lovely relationship with my (now) adult grandchildren. So did DH.

DD and SIL always wanted myself and DH to be involved - we saw them a lot, babysat etc. and no one issued any rules...🙄

It was just natural, but I guess it depends on the family.🙂

I've heard two friends say the same thing this week.One who already has two GC from her son and one who is expecting a new baby from her daughter .Apparently a GC with a daughter is more important....the gran wth the two already is SO looking forward to her daughter having children even though she regularly sees her GC apparently they aren't "the same as daughters kids"?The woman expecting a first with her daughter i SO delighted her daughters will be the first as she wont have to cope with DIL's alien ways?
Maybe paternal grans bring stuff on themselves ,when I pointed out that the sons babies would carry their family name and the daughters wouldn't both were a bit taken aback ,maybe they should just include those awful DIL's as FAMILY ,thats what they are

Nope but it does depend on your son's relationship with you and your DILs relationship with you. Also how willing you are to adapt things to what she wants versus what all your daughters have done. I can say with certainty though if you were to push in and pick up my daughter as a newborn when she was upset and I was there too I would be annoyed whoever you were. If I'm there I want you to move out of the way and let me deal. Which may be an attitude you will encounter. But as my daughter has gotten older and more mobile I have no issue with the known adult next to her speaking up or comforting as long as what they are saying are the same things I also say. So happily let you correct my daughter if she's into something she shouldn't be because you are beside her and you know that's wrong but just double check food before you offer anything because we try to keep track. So it's a little about common sense. The less you interfere the better, and just ask! I know I had a discussion with my eldest about her daughter (yes I have a 2 year old and now a newborn granddaughter) and people just wanted to hold the baby and take over. We made the effort not to and she was extremely grateful. The biggest thing I notice on all these threads here and on the mum forums it's not because they are paternal parents, it's because they start trying to take over or act like they know what they are doing. A little respect goes a long way. Ask if you can hold the baby, and accept no as an answer. Ask if you can help, don't just do something. Ask how you can support them and don't make it just about the baby. The main complaints from most people is where the MIL just tries to take over, and do everything and acts possessive. Baby needs a nappy changed, hey do you want me to change them for you? No? Ohk let me know if I can help. Then walk away!

My MiL was the hands on Grandma, but she never took over. Change nappies, cuddle, read stories. She would do anything for her grandchildren, even sit on the beach or go paddling with them the seaside, though she wasn’t a beach lover.
My mum lived further away and worked, but she enjoyed coming for weekends or having us to stay so she had chance to cuddle and play.

I would just make sure I run everything past the mother. If she does not like the way you handle something it could cause problems.