Maternal grandparents feeling less valued/sidelined

Hithere

You will never win if you see this as a competition

Absolutely!

When raising our children we were always at least 2 hours away from both sets of parents, my mother had a mental checklist of all the times spent with the other set.
Her jealousy was off the scale.

When we were with her we were expected to be with her in the house and garden for the duration.
She hated it if we wanted to pop over to see friends.
The time we were with her was miserable and we felt under enormous pressure.

We avoided going to see her as it made us all miserable.

Our GC are 3 hours away when they come we encourage our daughter and SIL to go off and see people, they have a key and come and go, we baby sit very happily.

Relax stop worrying about the other GP’s and enjoy their company.

blueshell2

bella23
Thank you. Youre right, never let them know about sad feelings and enjoy what time you get.
I am grateful for your understanding, it sort of makes me feel that Im not the only one who feels like this.
I hope you get time to enjoy with your DD.

Hi Bluebelle,
Thanks for replying I can't say it is easy, I think lots more people are in our situation than ever admit to it and have the same feelings, just like GMS says. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
Enjoy the happy times and be there for them when needed, I can assure you they will come if you appear the rational undemanding grandparents.
My DD is coming with family to stay for a few days on their way up North .

It sounds like they care very much about you if they have consistently visited you.. you're obviously loved and valued.. as others have said it's simply a matter of distance

Aww. You sound like a grandma with a lot of love to give. I wonder what else you have going on in your life. Sometimes to be truly happy we need to fill our own cup of love up. Is there anything else you can do that will bring you joy? I live away from family and find the times I miss them are when my life is empty or I'm exhausted! When I'm busy the weeks fly by in the blink of an eye.

I think it's okay to feel sad that you don't get to spend as much time with your grandchild as you pictured but it sounds like it's unlikely to change. If I were you I would find a way to fill your cup up without them. In doing so the pang of jealousy will settle and you'll also be much happier overall.

I'm not sure what your hobbies are but u3a groups usually have a lot going on.

For now though, make a cuppa, grab a biscuit or two and give yourself a little hug. Tomorrow plan something that will bring you joy. Whether thats baking brownies, buying a new top or just sitting watching the birds. You don't have to tell what but give yourself a little love.

I’m not a Gran , but a number of my friends are and it seems to be quite normal that if the AC live near one set of parents, they see more of them . My very dear friend has the same situation as you and feels left out and sidelined . It’s her DS who lives 10 minutes drive from his in-laws , whilst she is a two hour drive . The in-laws do child care a few days a week and babysitting. My friend has offered to babysit but her son says it’s all sorted with the in-laws . When she does visit the in-laws turn up as well .
So you’re definitely not alone in this .
Just a thought but is your sil an only child ? My DH is an only child and his parents were quite selfish regarding time spent with us . It didn’t occur to them that was another set of grandparents wanting to spend time with their GC .

I think it's about distance. I spent the first couple of years near my DD and GCs - saw a lot of them.

We moved 70 miles away, and I'd didn't see that much of them for a couple of years. They had their lives and we had ours. We saw them once a month.

We moved home to London (other reasons, not the family), and then we were 10 mins away from DD and GCs.

So, we saw a lot of them for years, and still do, but it was because we were near enough for visits, both ways, without a palaver.

My DS and family live in America and we see them every 1-2 years.

It's often about the time involved.

I'd just go with the flow.🙂

Just seen your reply blueshell2
Posted whilst I was typing.
I didn't realise that everyone expected your daughter and family to be with you for a chunk of the second day.
Apologies

Reading my last post i just want to add that i do understand something of this... when my son and fiancée come on a visit to the UK from America I'm always really excited -especially initially- and I long for them to stay, chat, cook with us, eat with us and just be close for a while.

They do this, yes, but they always "dip into" the time I feel is "ours" by "popping off" to visit xyz people, his siblings, old friends etc.

🙄 I now try to expect them to be busy visiting others and feel quite content. After more than 10 years of only seeing them once every 18 months or so I've accepted now that we are his "safe base" and where his childhood heart is - but we are not his life and he has love to give to others too.

However, last visit, when I had assumed they would enjoy a good breakfast before the long drive to Heathrow (and bought breakfast treats in) - on their last day they got up early and were ready to leave pretty much straight away!
...They had decided to stop for breakfast mid way!
Waaaah!

It will catch you out now and then. Yes.
But be grateful they love you and you love them.
Treasure the time you know you have together and let go the resentment and disapointment.

Let them be free.
They will love you all the more for it.

Notspaghetti
In actual fact they do know the arrangement very well. We do communicate with them and DD and SIL all talk, so there's no danger of their ignorance. But thanks for your comment anyway.

I think the thing to do is keep your eyes on your own plate. Comparison is a thief of joy, as the saying goes. Enjoy what you have, rather than counting up what you don’t.

Germanshepherdsmum

You’re not alone blueshell, I promise you.

The other grandparents seem rather thoughtless about their plans which then affect your time together. says Silverlining - but I don't think like this.

The others would have to know that this childminding thing is not just the day you actually do it but takes up the day after as well.

Why would they even think that the following day may be important? I think they wouldn't know.

I think you are overthinking this. I know it's just because you love them and want them for longer - but if you look at it from the outside, nothing is being done against you - it's just that one day of childminding is two days of "family" to you.

Juliet27
Hahaha!! Maybe!!!

You’re not alone blueshell, I promise you.

You never know, the in laws might feel a little jealous of the ‘sleepovers’. Just a thought.

bella23
Thank you. Youre right, never let them know about sad feelings and enjoy what time you get.
I am grateful for your understanding, it sort of makes me feel that Im not the only one who feels like this.
I hope you get time to enjoy with your DD.

I know exactly how you feel Bluebelle. My DD and family lived abroad for lots of years and it never felt like it does now they are back in England. Living less than 2 hours from SIL's parents and all visit regularly. We live hundreds of miles away.
I try to remember what my mother used to say "You don't educate them for them to live around the corner".
I empathise and sympathise with you but you can really do nothing about it. Just don't show them how sad you feel, and enjoy what time you have with them.

germanshepherdsmum
yes, I am lucky I know. Thanks

speak about it in terms of making arrangements rather than my feelings.

If it truly matters in a wider picture, that is a way forward.

As we have said, your feelings are your feelings. We all have things that make us unhappy, well done identifying your unhappiness and not complaining.

You're welcome blueshell.

I can understand your sadness. It’s such a shame that you’re unable to live closer.

Yes, people can be a bit thoughtless without realising it. I agree with Smileless, if they’re making plans that would cut short a visit to you perhaps your daughter could have a word to have things rearranged.

Maybe if you consider you are lucky to be able to see them once a fortnight as so many children have chosen to live abroad where the in laws are, that way you might be able to feel less sad.

Enjoy those precious times. 💐

i havent mentioned it to my daughter as I dont want her to have an idea of how i feel as the last thing I want is for her to stop telling me what theyre all up to in case she thinks i might be envious. I am happy for her that she is so accepted into her DH family.

Well done you! Please don't say anything, you do see your D far more often than some people living at a distance see theirs.

smileless 2012
Thank you for such a kind reply.
That is a good idea to speak about it in terms of making arrangements rather than my feelings. I will do that, thank you. That gives me perspective.

silverlining48
thank you for your kind reply. yes,sometimes we do stay a couple of nights , if other commitments allow.
i havent mentioned it to my daughter as I dont want her to have an idea of how i feel as the last thing I want is for her to stop telling me what theyre all up to in case she thinks i might be envious. I am happy for her that she is so accepted into her DH family. But I really wish I had more of the closeness just to do more spontaneous things like they can all do. I mostly am fine about it having accepted it but I think this let down I had recently brought those feelings to the fore again. They will subside

I feel for you blueshell and there's nothing wrong with you feeling as you do.

I agree with silverlining that your D's parents in law do seem rather thoughtless. They know how much time you get to spend with your D and her family so it was inconsiderate to make the arrangements they did.

I also think it would be a good idea to talk to your D. Don't tell her you're feeling worthless, less valued and sidelined but ask her if in the future, if her in laws are making plans that encroach on the time she's with you, if they could be asked to change them so any visits don't have to be cut short.

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