Maternal grandparents feeling less valued/sidelined

Can you move nearer to them?

Thanks Germanshepherdsmum Im afraid thats not an option though as they live in a more expensive part of the country so we couldnt afford to

You will never win if you see this as a competition

my question is , after all this rambling, am I unreasonable in feeling hurt and discarded in favour of the other family who can get together almost any time they choose?

No, you feel hurt. Your feelings are your feelings.

However, it seems irrational, to me, to feel as you do. You know they all live close together - of course they all see each other often.

My family are the same, we're all in each other pockets, by choice. They come round often. Coming round takes nothing from another.

Love multiplies, it never divides, said my mum. They have multiples of love! That is a wonderful thing, imo.

You’re not unreasonable in feeling hurt, feelings are feelings after all. However, you are being over the top in my opinion to feel discarded and angry that they went home for your dds FILs birthday. How would you feel if they skipped your birthday meal because the in-laws felt you saw them too much?

They travel to you monthly to visit and allow you to do a day of child care, that’s a huge amount of effort they make.

Where they chose to live is not a slight against you. It’s just where they wanted to live!

Again, I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt, but some perspective is needed

It's just life I'm afraid, AC will live where they want to live... Not to suit us

People will make plans when they want them to happen, not to suit us

And I'll health doesn't care what anyone's plans are

The best thing to do is get some help for your feelings. It doesn't sound like anyone is doing anything to spite you so if you don't deal with them, your feelings may cause problems in the family

First of all you are not worthless., you are very important to your GC and no doubt your Dd too.
It isn’t a competition but it’s understandable that you are upset about this.
The other grandparents seem rather thoughtless about their plans which then affect your time together.
Have you spoken about this to your dd? Is she happy to see so much of her in laws?
Would it work to stay a couple of nights when you go there. If there isn’t any room is there somewhere nearby to stay? 3 hours is a long drive so not unreasonable to stay 2 or 3 nights.

hithere I dont see it as a competition .I totally agree it should never be. I accept I will always see less of them particularly when they no longer need the childcare but Im hurt that they shortened our latest visit
without even telling us beforehand. It felt like our plans didnt count

I feel for you blueshell and there's nothing wrong with you feeling as you do.

I agree with silverlining that your D's parents in law do seem rather thoughtless. They know how much time you get to spend with your D and her family so it was inconsiderate to make the arrangements they did.

I also think it would be a good idea to talk to your D. Don't tell her you're feeling worthless, less valued and sidelined but ask her if in the future, if her in laws are making plans that encroach on the time she's with you, if they could be asked to change them so any visits don't have to be cut short.

.

silverlining48
thank you for your kind reply. yes,sometimes we do stay a couple of nights , if other commitments allow.
i havent mentioned it to my daughter as I dont want her to have an idea of how i feel as the last thing I want is for her to stop telling me what theyre all up to in case she thinks i might be envious. I am happy for her that she is so accepted into her DH family. But I really wish I had more of the closeness just to do more spontaneous things like they can all do. I mostly am fine about it having accepted it but I think this let down I had recently brought those feelings to the fore again. They will subside

smileless 2012
Thank you for such a kind reply.
That is a good idea to speak about it in terms of making arrangements rather than my feelings. I will do that, thank you. That gives me perspective.

i havent mentioned it to my daughter as I dont want her to have an idea of how i feel as the last thing I want is for her to stop telling me what theyre all up to in case she thinks i might be envious. I am happy for her that she is so accepted into her DH family.

Well done you! Please don't say anything, you do see your D far more often than some people living at a distance see theirs.

I can understand your sadness. It’s such a shame that you’re unable to live closer.

Yes, people can be a bit thoughtless without realising it. I agree with Smileless, if they’re making plans that would cut short a visit to you perhaps your daughter could have a word to have things rearranged.

Maybe if you consider you are lucky to be able to see them once a fortnight as so many children have chosen to live abroad where the in laws are, that way you might be able to feel less sad.

Enjoy those precious times. 💐

You're welcome blueshell.

speak about it in terms of making arrangements rather than my feelings.

If it truly matters in a wider picture, that is a way forward.

As we have said, your feelings are your feelings. We all have things that make us unhappy, well done identifying your unhappiness and not complaining.

germanshepherdsmum
yes, I am lucky I know. Thanks

I know exactly how you feel Bluebelle. My DD and family lived abroad for lots of years and it never felt like it does now they are back in England. Living less than 2 hours from SIL's parents and all visit regularly. We live hundreds of miles away.
I try to remember what my mother used to say "You don't educate them for them to live around the corner".
I empathise and sympathise with you but you can really do nothing about it. Just don't show them how sad you feel, and enjoy what time you have with them.

bella23
Thank you. Youre right, never let them know about sad feelings and enjoy what time you get.
I am grateful for your understanding, it sort of makes me feel that Im not the only one who feels like this.
I hope you get time to enjoy with your DD.

You never know, the in laws might feel a little jealous of the ‘sleepovers’. Just a thought.

You’re not alone blueshell, I promise you.

Juliet27
Hahaha!! Maybe!!!

The other grandparents seem rather thoughtless about their plans which then affect your time together. says Silverlining - but I don't think like this.

The others would have to know that this childminding thing is not just the day you actually do it but takes up the day after as well.

Why would they even think that the following day may be important? I think they wouldn't know.

I think you are overthinking this. I know it's just because you love them and want them for longer - but if you look at it from the outside, nothing is being done against you - it's just that one day of childminding is two days of "family" to you.

Germanshepherdsmum

You’re not alone blueshell, I promise you.

I think the thing to do is keep your eyes on your own plate. Comparison is a thief of joy, as the saying goes. Enjoy what you have, rather than counting up what you don’t.