Husband doesn't want me to look after grandchild once a week

Sounds like that’s the way O/P is realising… and this issue has brought it up. Hence the last sentence, which has to relate to far more than the one example.

Well that’s the thing. Most dominant partners think the marriage is equal.

It’s the other partner who knows it isn’t.

But mostly they’re afraid to challenge it.

That’s the way it works.

If you believe a marriage has a dominant partner and that's normal

I think you have only proven me right Lathyrus

Your self styled expertise told the OP that her husband was abusive!!!!!!

Because he disagreed with her.

I do think that says an awful lot about your view of marriage.

And I can’t think it would be helpful to the OPs marriage either if that’s your concern.

Your self styled expertise is going to damage the marriage of the OP should she listen to you and believe her marriage should be a dictatorship rather than a partnership with give and take

Nope. Nothing except the things you’ve posted.

That’s how it sounded to me.

Most marriages have a dominant partner.

That was unnecessarily rude Lathyrus You know exactly nothing about my marriage.

I could just have easily written it the other way around and if my partner has something that means a lot to him we find a way to make it work

The same way we make it work if one of us gets ill, or has an accident, or there is a bereavement or a mental health struggle

It's a marriage

It's 50/50

No one has the right to a final decision on anything that impacts both and life won't respect that anyway

Or is it more like

I’d like to do x”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’ll really affect the business “

“Oh you disagreed. You’re being abusive.”

VioletSky

The conversation with my husband would be

Me "I'd like to do x"

Him "let's figure out how we can make that work"

That's a marriage

Spot on.

VioletSky

The conversation with my husband would be

Me "I'd like to do x"

Him "let's figure out how we can make that work"

That's a marriage

We well it might be some people’s marriage. Sounds like the husband there is afraid to express anything but agreement 😬😱

We don't drop our plans for something we deem more fun, who would do our work?

Oh, we do!!
We were weeding today when we got a chance to do something which was much more fun. DH said "You go, I'll carry on" but I persuaded him to come out too.

Dusting blinds instead of having fun? 🤔

The conversation with my husband would be

Me "I'd like to do x"

Him "let's figure out how we can make that work"

That's a marriage

VioletSky Shall we just chain her to her desk and explain how she has absolutely no power over decisions about her own life? Well at least it's a desk now with a chair and no longer the kitchen sink.

It seems to me if one is working, albeit without weekly pay, towards a long term profit, that person and those they work with are deciding how to live their life, as a team. As are sahm - nobody is chained to a sink, it's a choice.

Responsible people don't just drop their choices - I load dishes 3x a day, by my choice. My husband dusts blinds weekly, by his choice. We don't drop our plans for something we deem more fun, who would do our work?

Delila

Lathyrus

This relationship is doomed.

The OPs already moved on from her marriage to a new emotional relationship.
He knows it.

Did you mention warped perceptions?

Yes she has. For a little while he was important. She married him, left her job to work with him, spent weekends with him.

Now she has a new person in her life who is more important and that she would rather spend time with.

And she’s already thinking about leaving.

She’s moved on.

Delila

You’re reading far too much into this Lathyrus.

I’m reading what people have posted. Look back snd see all the awful things people have said about him.
Just on the basis of him saying that her decision will affect the business and he is not happy about it.

Read what she’s said. That if he won’t be happy about it she’ll make a choice between them.

Not if he stops her. He’s got to be happy about the decision she’s made, regardless of the effect it’s going to have.

He was accused of throwing his toys out of the pram, of being controlling. Her behaviour in what’s supposed to be a partnership is, according to many posters, perfectly ok because it’s a grandchild.

I don’t think a grandchild justifies treating your partner as if his feelings and wishes are of no account. Or that not being as smitten as she is makes him a bully or controlling or any of the very unpleasant things that have been posted about him.

Lathyrus

This relationship is doomed.

The OPs already moved on from her marriage to a new emotional relationship.
He knows it.

Did you mention warped perceptions?

You’re reading far too much into this Lathyrus.

Nailed it!

If she’s thinking about how to work it out, good for her.

What I don’t understand is the pile on of he’s a bully, controlling, show him the door, he’s abusive! What? For saying her decision going to affect the business and he’s not happy about it. Abusive.

How is someone saying I don’t like what your proposing to do, abusive. You wonder what warped perceptions people have when they think that somebody disagreeing with them is the end of a relationship.

He hasn’t rejected a compromise. There hasn’t been any compromise. Just her saying what she wants and and what she’s prepared to offer. That isn’t compromise. I don’t understand why anyone thinks that’s how compromise works🤷🏽‍♀️

Of course she’s allowed to how feeling. She’s expressed them and the action she wants to take. So why isn’t he?

Is she not allowed to have feelings, and consider the consequences of him rejecting compromise? She goes no further than that. She is in the process of working things out and asking for people’s opinions.

Blondiescot

I'm not exactly sure what you would find to be an acceptable compromise in this situation, Lathyrus. You seem to be implying that the OP should put her husband first, no matter what. I'm not sure where 'compromise' enters into that.

No, I don’t think I’ve ever said that. In fact I’ve said a couple of times that she should go ahead and do the day a week and that I would if it was me.

It’s the OP who says she will “chose@ between him and her grandchild if he continues to be “unhappy” about her choice.

Not if he stops her. He can’t do that. Just if he’s unhappy with the changes she’s decided to make in their relationship. He had no say in what she proposed. Most people wouldn’t be happy if their partner just presented them with a change that affected them both.

Compromise is both people presenting what they want and then negotiating with both parties conceding something and both parties gaining something of what they want.

Not one person saying what they want and what they’re prepared to do as an alternative. End of.

I’m really taken aback at the vehement responses and accusations thrown at a man who has, by the OPs own posts, only said that he is not happy with the arrangements proposed and the impact they will have.

How is it abusive, bullying, etc etc for him to state how it will all affect him? Is he not allowed to have feelings and to point out the consequences of her unilateral decision?

I don't read where lathyrus implies op should put husband first

Maybe your husband thinks it will become more than one day a week childcare and will impact you financially

I'm not exactly sure what you would find to be an acceptable compromise in this situation, Lathyrus. You seem to be implying that the OP should put her husband first, no matter what. I'm not sure where 'compromise' enters into that.