Husband doesn't want me to look after grandchild once a week

It’s not just one day a week though is it? Her proposal also messes up the weekend
I think that was another poster's suggestion.

But I wouldn’t threaten to end the marriage just because he disagreed with me.

I didn't read it like that. I read it that she had to choose whether to spend a day a week looking after the grandchild or to continue 5 days a week in the business as her husband wants her to do.

Compromise. Absolutely.

Doesn’t that involve him being able to say what he thinks and then some discussion?

It’s not just one day a week though is it? Her proposal also messes up the weekend.

Me. I think she should have the day with her grandchild. I would.

But I wouldn’t threaten to end the marriage just because he disagreed with me.

Nor do I think that disagreeing with someone makes you controlling, abusive etc

Talk about over-reactions.😱

Curlywhirly

Lathyrus

Well I’m still waiting for someone to tell me one thing he’s actually done other than express his opinion about the quite major changes that the OP wants to make to both their lives.

But apparently he’s not allowed to do that. If he doesn’t agree to happily do what she has decided he is controlling, abusive, bullying, petty and jealous.

He said that if the OP spends more than a few hours a week with her grandchild her life would revolve around her. Which to my mind is completely over the top and smacks of jealousy. How sad to feel like that.

Yes, it is a very odd thing to say.

One day a week does not mean the OP's life revolves her grandchild.
At the moment, however, her life seems to revolve around her husband.

Lathyrus

Well I’m still waiting for someone to tell me one thing he’s actually done other than express his opinion about the quite major changes that the OP wants to make to both their lives.

But apparently he’s not allowed to do that. If he doesn’t agree to happily do what she has decided he is controlling, abusive, bullying, petty and jealous.

He said that if the OP spends more than a few hours a week with her grandchild her life would revolve around her. Which to my mind is completely over the top and smacks of jealousy. How sad to feel like that.

Lathyrus

Well I’m still waiting for someone to tell me one thing he’s actually done other than express his opinion about the quite major changes that the OP wants to make to both their lives.

But apparently he’s not allowed to do that. If he doesn’t agree to happily do what she has decided he is controlling, abusive, bullying, petty and jealous.

It's not major. She is not giving up working in the business altogether. If Su51nan's username is anything to judge by, she may be 71 or 72 so time to ease back on full-time working.

It's one day a week.

A good opportunity for him to pass on his skills and knowledge to a young person too.

Some people seem to think she should spend the whole week working with her DH and devote the whole weekend to him too.
That's claustrophobic, not good in any relationship.

Compromise is the word.

Since the O/P ends with

"*I don't want to have to choose between them but I'm feeling like it may come to that*."

It's clearly a lot more than "express his opinion", or she'd have gone ahead and just disagreed and gone ahead.

Well I’m still waiting for someone to tell me one thing he’s actually done other than express his opinion about the quite major changes that the OP wants to make to both their lives.

But apparently he’s not allowed to do that. If he doesn’t agree to happily do what she has decided he is controlling, abusive, bullying, petty and jealous.

No contest. A grandchild is a precious reminder of how fleeting time is. An adult man being petty and jealous about your time with my new grandchild would have to get used to living without me. How dare he try to rule your desire here?

icanhandthemback

Michelem

Has anyone read the op's update. She does not receive a salary from the business/husband.

Yes, we've read it and understood. However, you don't need a salary to benefit from the business. We don't know if she makes "drawings" from it, lives on the proceeds on the subsequent sales, etc, etc. She may not receive a salary because of tax efficiencies. The salary issue really does not enlighten us much at all. On one hand she could be a "slave" working for nothing, on the other, she could be reaping great benefits even without drawing a salary. This is the problem with all the many pages of advice, we just do not know the intricacies of the arrangement and we only have one side of the story.

Precisely.

I take no salary for doing my husband's books, doing administration and management - he doesn't either why would I?

We both rely on his yearly profits.

quite so

Michelem

Has anyone read the op's update. She does not receive a salary from the business/husband.

Yes, we've read it and understood. However, you don't need a salary to benefit from the business. We don't know if she makes "drawings" from it, lives on the proceeds on the subsequent sales, etc, etc. She may not receive a salary because of tax efficiencies. The salary issue really does not enlighten us much at all. On one hand she could be a "slave" working for nothing, on the other, she could be reaping great benefits even without drawing a salary. This is the problem with all the many pages of advice, we just do not know the intricacies of the arrangement and we only have one side of the story.

Has anyone read the op's update. She does not receive a salary from the business/husband.

There’s no evidence of that Lathyrus.

Maybe. Though she does seem rather inclined to make plans for herself snd then expect other people to go along with them.

I doubt it would be on the table if DD didn't want it?

I don't think the OP has said that her daughter wants her to look after the baby once day a week.

What she said was: I want to look after my grandchild once a week.

I suppose I may have missed it but don't think so.

'If I spend more than a few hours a week with my grandchild he says my life revolves around her'

That quote says it all - what grandparent would say that? My husband is proud of the very close connection our grandchildren have with me (he still works and doesn't see as much of them as I do). He tries to finish work early on the days I pick them up from school, and loves every minute he can manage to spend with them. He certainly doesn't begrudge my time with them, what right-thinking grandparent would?

Spending one day per week caring for grandchild is an honor. If your daughter was your husband's bio daughter, he may feel very differently about you babysitting your grandchild. Sounds like a power struggle; control; insecurity on husband's part; and lack of care for your grandchild's needs and your desires. I'd do what your heart is telling you to do.

The op is perfectly entitled to change her mind. Obligations change, otherwise we'd all have to stick with the first job we ever started after all we did sign a legally binding contract. The real issue is the apparent inflexible attitude of her husband. Personally I would be inclined to retire from the renovation business and do whatever I liked with my retirement. If that includes looking after GC then so be it.

He is being a jealous prick - tell him to back off !

NotSpaghetti

Hithere

A daughter has her own child, doesn't produce anybody's gc.

So true!!


But you would think not, sometimes!

But there is absolutely no logic to that statement at all.
Of course the child is the grandchild of four people, great-grandchild of eight great-grandparents and so back through the ages of family history.

😁

Hithere

A daughter has her own child, doesn't produce anybody's gc.

So true!!


But you would think not, sometimes!

Such good sensible advice from Norah!!

For what it is worth my husband is my second husband, When my son and daughter in law asked if we would like to look after my biological granddaughter once a week. The other grandparents have her Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, her mum has Thursdays off work but comes to our house in the afternoon, they stop over night and my daughter in law works from home in my husbands craft room. (This is where he has a desk she can use.) We look after DGD all day Friday. My daughter in law and granddaughter stop over night and leave on Saturday morning. So he gives up his time and his hobbies to help me look after 'our darling granddaughter. My husband adores her. We notice the differences in her from week to week, the time is so precious. We only have her until she is 3 and starts nursery. Then hopefully we will see her at weekends and during the summer holidays.

A daughter has her own child, doesn't produce anybody's gc.