My first post here. Please hear with me, it's a long one.
I am 59, husband is 63. I have 3 children aged 36, 34 and 28. They are not my husband's kids. The issue is my son, aged 34. I brought them up alone following divorce from narcissist alcoholic ex husband when youngest was 2. Son started exhibiting same personality traits around the age of 14, became involved in drugs and alcohol. Basically, life has been hell with him for 20 years. String of relationships that always start with a honeymoon period then to downhill fast. Lots of money issues (I have bailed him out to the tune of 20k over the years) he's a compulsive liar, loves drama but treats me appallingly. I have spent years trying to 'fix' him but after two years of intensive private therapy (still ongoing) have stopped.
Three years ago he had a daughter with his then partner. I adore her, she is my only grandchild. Last summer I discovered her mother had been convicted of stealing £112,000 from her employer to fund a gambling addiction. She was sentenced to 28 months in prison on December 1st 2022. My granddaughter remained living with my son some 2 hours drive from us. I immediately stepped in to provide support initially travelling over at 4.30 am every Monday and staying until Wednesday. I am self employed so needed some time at home to manage my business and be with my husband. When there it quickly became clear that GD wasn't being looked after properly and that he was drinking and using drugs. When I left on a Wednesday the house was clean, washing up to date, food in cupboards. When I returned 4 days later the house was squalid. The next thing was that the house had gone, tenancy in her name only and him with no legal right to be there. So I packed the house up, arranged for storage and paid for it. He didn't do anything apart from make promises to do it. Before anyone tells me where I have gone wrong, a, I know and b, the true horror of being around this personality type can only be appreciated when you have lived around it. It has ruined my life. It's like living in a vortex, a world where you eventually don't know who you are, or even understand what is happening. It was arranged that my son would come back to us but stay with my mother who has a big house. He then announced that he had got another job 3 hours away, no discussion or consideration for his child. She then came to stay with us Monday-Friday with him taking over Friday evening to Sunday evening.....or so I thought. In 7 months it has never worked out like that. Numerous excuses about why he can't do it, always trying to bring her back early and just not being a dad when he's with her. I feel devastation for my GD and so much sadness, abandoned by both parents effectively. We are traumatised, our life as we knew it ended and we are utterly exhausted. With the help of a nursery, who, due to the circumstances, gave us priority, we get a break in order to work. I have spoken to Social Servieat length, nothing there as she is safe currently, my HV cannot assist either. If anyone else mentions kinship or Special guardianship I will actually stand in a field and scream. So we simply get through every day. GD mother was released last Friday having served 8 months and the run between her and son started immediately. Him behaving appallingly over taking GD to see her mother, something only one day earlier he had promised to do. I was then embroiled in highly charged conversations that had me at the brink of madness. I have made it clear I will not be doing that again. Now begins the process of GD being returned to her mother in a way that does not cause further trauma to my darling GD whilst trying to remain cordial and civil with her mother who wants to rush things. I have had a lifetime of being in pressured situations both personally and professionally but this is on another level. Maybe it's because I'm older, or because I'm powerless as the grandmother but this is like nothing I have ever been through. I have poured my heart into looking after this child, spoken to healthcare professionals regarding trauma in children who are still too young to articulate their fee!Inge or even have the awareness of where mummy has gone. Most of all we have done everything within our gift to ensure she feels safe, secure and loved against a backdrop of misery, failing parents and quite frankly horrible uncaring behaviour.
I'm not asking for advice, I'm a Healthcare Professional too. I have explored everything. I suppose what I would like is grandparents in a similar situation to pipe up here. This is lonely and frightening. On one hand I want to keep her safe forever with me (I don't think she is at risk of physical harm but she has already been badly let down by both parents) but I also know we would struggle to maintain this on a permanent basis and there is huge guilt and sadness associated with that. Her mum wants her back but her dad, my son, has already said he doesn't even want her every weekend, as he 'has to have a life'. How selfish and self obsessed is that, not to mention disgusting.
Thank you for reading this, it's a summary of awfulness and I forgot to mention that on top of our two dogs we also have his two dogs and a cat. My mother is also in very poor health and we have to make daily trips to check on her, take her to her numerous appointments etc. I can honestly see why people walk out of their houses and don't come back. My feelings of desperation, loneliness, anger and fear are sending me to an early grave. We have no family support as both of my daughters live away and my sister also lives 3 hours away so doesn't really help with my mother. We feel as though we have been literally left holding the baby.. I have cried everyday since December
You say you aren't asking for advice, so I won't try to give any. My heart goes out to you, having had a son with mental health and addiction issues. It is such a hard road without adding a grandchild to the situation. If you think it might help to talk I have found the Samaritans to be excellent listeners
That poor little girl. Am I right in thinking she is only 3?
My best friend is a foster carer and many of the kids she looks after come from similar backgrounds with parent(s) in prison or taking drugs or just plain neglectful. Not many of them have a lovely, caring Grandma like you though.
Regarding your elderly Mum you could try Carers UK as they have good advice and also a forum with people in similar positions. I really feel for you.
Oh my goodness! Quite simply this situation can not continue. I think you know your son is never going to step up to the plate - so I imagine you have come to terms with that. The most important person in this mess is your little GD. Do what you feel necessary to protect her, speak to SS. and don't pull any punches , tell them you can no longer exist in this way. If you ' appear ' to be coping you will be left to do so! I am concerned that you say you understand why people walk out and disappear - that tells me you really are burnt out! You are kind and have a generous nature but even you can only do so much . Please be pro active , make something positive happen, if your GC were to go into care you will not loose her , you will recharge your batteries! As for your son's animals , that is another responsibility you should not have to deal with . Your son takes that responsibility ( doubt he will!) Or you re-home them ASAP!
I send you big (((( hugs)))) the courage of your convictions and wish you well. Protect your emotional health, You count too!!!! 💐💐
Oh what an awful situation.. I agree with other posters who suggest either getting your son to take the dogs or rehoming them.. you need some space and rest.. I would also expect your GD to return to living with her mother as you haven't indicated that she is neglectful.. but offer her support and the possibility of breaks if you have the energy and she is OK with that.. you have established a loving relationship with your GD and that will endure.. but allow your DIL to rebuild her relationship with her daughter in her own time and way. She will also be suffering from not having her daughter with her and being in prison.. you really deserve a time of respite now... as with any addict I really wouldn't have any expectations of your son acting responsibly yet.. I really hope life improves for you and your husband..
I have reported my post now thanks.
The mother of the mother has her other four children and has done for the last decade. My gd goes to stay periodically to maintain contact with her family
I'm not sure returning to her mother is the best option especially after the behaviour since release. Fairly obvious alcohol hasn't gone away. Not a reasonable person to deal with at all.
I have had numerous conversations with AS and got absolutely nowhere. Their only response is that gd is safe and secure and no intervention currently required. No financial help is available. Kinship carers and special guardians receive nothing either. Applied for child benefit 12 weeks ago, still being considered. I do have 30 hours free childcare from September, we have been funding nursery.
To provide some perspective and hope, there are over one million grandparents raising their grandchildren due to their parents drug addiction in the US alone. You are by no means alone. You are dealing with not only the onslaught of decisions regarding how to provide a safe environment for your granddaughter, but at the same time you are dealing with your own personal trauma of your son's mental illness. I can understand you not especially wanting advice but to know someone out there supports you and that you are not alone. As a trained therapist, I can assure you you are NOT alone. Your feeling of being in a vortex are real and the result of being in a highly charged and toxic situation. We are not trained on how to recognize, diagnose or deal with mental illness. When a loved one exhibits behaviors that raise a red flag in us those intuitions are real. Their illness will affect us and create a domino effect, as in your case with your son and then your granddaughter. It is paramount that you have a trained Psychologist/Therapist, to #1 Manage the complex choices and decisions before you #2 Support you in healing and finding help with the trauma you yourself are experiencing due to this situation. You deserve that and you need that to get out of the vortex you are in. If money is a concern there are resources like Community Counseling, Sliding Scale clinicians, Social Services counselors and looking for private Clinicians who would offer a discount - or look into your medical insurance to see if they offer coverage for counseling/mental health. You cannot help them if you are enmeshed in the middle of it. That triangulation will hurt you and destroy your own mental health. You have no doubt done an amazing job exhausting your energy to try and fix your son and granddaughters situation. You are amazing believe it. Your well being and peace of mind are also your first priority. You not only need that you deserve that. Take Care and again know you are supported.
It doesn’t look as if the mother will be able or prepared to safely look after her child if her 4 others are with her own mother.
I don’t know what to say other than take time to take care of and for yourself. September isn’t too far away. Your gd will enjoy nursery and you and your husband will have more time for yourselves. 
silverlining48
It doesn’t look as if the mother will be able or prepared to safely look after her child if her 4 others are with her own mother.
I don’t know what to say other than take time to take care of and for yourself. September isn’t too far away. Your gd will enjoy nursery and you and your husband will have more time for yourselves.
Yes this in new information sheds a completely different light on the situation..
Sounds very harsh and nothing I haven't thought of already.
I was just referring to whether the mother was able to look after her daughter.. I think you're doing an amazing thing..
Nopeace you are a remarkable woman. Your GD is a lucky little girl to have such wonderful GP’s looking out for her. Please keep us updated when you can. I’m sure I’m not the only one who hopes that you get the support you so deserve.
Does your husband support you? I note your son isn’t his son. You and your husband are both traumatised and exhausted.
Your son has “ruined your life”. He isn’t particularly interested in his daughter. He’s one element you must distance yourself from.
GD’s mother is back on the scene after a spell in prison and her lifestyle is chaotic.
Your overriding concern is the welfare of your little grandaughter whom you adore and for whom you provide love and stability.
You have a business, and look after your mother.
There are multiple pets. They should probably go, as they add too much to the demands on you.
You know best what your priorities are, and what you can let go, at least for the time being. Get help with the things you can get help with. Once you have made positive choices you might not feel so burdened and overwhelmed.
Something’s got to give - you can’t continue to try to juggle all those demands, they really will drive you mad. Easily said, I know, but try to simplify things if you possibly can.
Ohhhh dear dear dear me xx i am SO SORRY TO READ THIS....
I read it and what stands out in it all is YOU.... its ok me saying you need to look after you but it seems you have very, very little time to manage that, but if you don't seek help you are seriously going to be ill with it all, then how will that benefit anyone, least of all your GD.
It's impossible for me to suggest you doing A B or C because only you know the situation, but its imperative that somewhere amongst this utter turmoil of everything you find a place to breathe.....*stand back* at this moment in time you are embroiled in the very centre.
My thoughts are so very much with you.
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