Anxious nannie

Thanks for all the advice.
I think I do just need to set the ground rules. Nannies rules and stick to it. I think I may have been over worried about them not wanting to be with me.

twiglet77

My grandsons range from 6 to 1 year old. Best thing is to get outside - boys are easily delighted with a ball, a stick, a puddle… a hill to clamber up or slide or roll down. Bike or scooter, take a drink and snacks, keep on the move. I have apps on my phone to identify plants and insects, the eldest has been fascinated with these since he was about 4. I pick up bargains at charity shops so there are always clothes at my house that can get wet, muddy or spoiled without parental concern. Swimming things live here too, and we go to the local pool through the holidays for a 90 minute fun session. Frisbee on the recreation ground, throw balls into the stream for the dog to retrieve, visit ALL the local playgrounds to rank slides and zip wires in order of preference. Take kites up to the field if it’s windy, or bubble mix. We get outside in all weathers, they have wellies, raincoats and gloves here. And afterwards we can settle on the sofa with books or a film, or do drawing, or make paper planes.

I much prefer having them here than looking after them in their own homes. Even if they’re here once or twice a week, the slightly less familiar setting makes it much easier to occupy them!

This sounds like only very fit and active adults can do!

If you are an anxious person and worry this much about caring for your DGC, then try and change the arrangements.

My experience suggests that if you are confident and assume an air of being in control, tell children what to do and sanction them if they don't, they soon get the idea and knuckle down.

And, of course, in your own home Granndma's Rules are paramount.

Remember confidence, is a confidence trick. You do not have to have it. Just act as if you do.

Thank you some great advice

A 2 and a 4 year old twice a week? I'm exhausted looking after a single 'threenager' just once a week!

My older husband is worried about if and when a second grandchild might come along. He doesn't think he could do it again. We have discussed this ourselves and would consider funding a nursery day rather than have two under fives at the same time.

Maybe its time, as others have said, to reset your boundaries and others expectations.

I agree with Welbeck - as long term anxiety is so damaging to health. You want to be around for them as they get older so why risk being ground down by it all now?

Most of the suggestions above, for expecting certain standards of behaviour, simply wouldn't work for my four-year-old grandson with autism. He simply can't behave well, so it takes at least two adults (with energy) to supervise him and keep him safe.

When my granddaughters were that age and my daughter asked if I could babysit them two days a week, I was honest with her and said that I would only agree to the arrangement if I could put them into a local playgroup the mornings that they were in my charge. I got a few ‘raised eyebrow looks’ from her, but that was the arrangement I was offering! Caring for little ones of that age all day I knew would be exhausting - and neither am I the most creative minded Grandma to keep them happily involved and occupied whilst in my care. So my suggestion to you is start a new routine, find a playgroup locally where you can drop them off for those two mornings, and I can assure you, your anxiety level will drop and you will enjoy caring for your grandchildren so much more once you’ve started a routine like this!

MerylStreep

I don’t think Bungles too anxious as she hasn’t replied to anyone.

Perhaps she's gone for a lie down in a darkened room!

I don’t think Bungles too anxious as she hasn’t replied to anyone.

What in particular is making you anxious? Is it just that you feel they should do as you say or are they actually putting themselves in danger?
With my 4 year old grandson keep demands to a minimum and offer a choice of two things where possible (eg instead of saying out your shoes on - ask trainers or sandals)
But some things are non negotiable, (eg hold nanny's hand near busy roads) and he accepts those rules

As I say to my grandkids ' Grannies Rules '

I think it might be too much for you to handle. You’re getting loads of advice on how to handle them that isn’t even remotely age appropriate. Toddlers run around. They cause worry about bumps and scrapes. That’s just what they do. It’s better for them to have caregivers that can both understand where they are developmentally and have the energy to run after them. You aren’t going to discipline their nature out of them. They are doing what kids do at their ages.

Most 2 year olds and many 4 year olds won't do what their told - whether accompanied by stern voice, threats or bribes!

OP says minding them is making her anxious, so is it about safety? If they are out, and won't stop or come back when called, that's a real problem. In the house, if they persist in playing with cooker or chasing each other on stairs, despite being told not to, it will cause huge anxiety.

If these kinds of issues are worrying you, Bungle , you need to have a serious chat with the parents about whether you can continue to provide childcare.

My grandsons range from 6 to 1 year old. Best thing is to get outside - boys are easily delighted with a ball, a stick, a puddle… a hill to clamber up or slide or roll down. Bike or scooter, take a drink and snacks, keep on the move. I have apps on my phone to identify plants and insects, the eldest has been fascinated with these since he was about 4. I pick up bargains at charity shops so there are always clothes at my house that can get wet, muddy or spoiled without parental concern. Swimming things live here too, and we go to the local pool through the holidays for a 90 minute fun session. Frisbee on the recreation ground, throw balls into the stream for the dog to retrieve, visit ALL the local playgrounds to rank slides and zip wires in order of preference. Take kites up to the field if it’s windy, or bubble mix. We get outside in all weathers, they have wellies, raincoats and gloves here. And afterwards we can settle on the sofa with books or a film, or do drawing, or make paper planes.

I much prefer having them here than looking after them in their own homes. Even if they’re here once or twice a week, the slightly less familiar setting makes it much easier to occupy them!

My daughter ( child psychologist ) and her husband is much stricter than I was ….the result was two lovely …boisterous …well mannered individuals which I used to look after 2-3 days a week over period of 10 years. A delight to be with ….still are. Even though I did things slightly different than my daughter , it was within ‘family principals’….and that’s all that matters. Your home so your rules…

It's a bit like dog training. You reward them ( verbally or with a hug) when they do as you say, and - as far as is possible - give them the minimum of attention when they don't.

The 'reward' may just be telling them how good they are being and how pleased you are . Make a point of telling Mum about anything they've done that has particularly been good as well.
Don't get into the trap of feeding them sweets or similar as a reward. On the other hand you could maybe allow them to make decisions as a reward - choose what they would like for lunch, for example, or what activity they would like to do.

I think children easily pick up on adult anxiety (including when you put on a confident act), and can use it to their advantage, testing to see how far they can go.

I agree with those who recommend asking them to help you with things in the house and garden, allotting special responsibilities, appointing them “monitors” of this and that. Star charts are brilliant. Engaging in activities away from the house might help take the focus off you and use up some energy.

I used to take my grandchildren on “expeditions”, fungus hunting was a favourite. Once home they would draw and paint what they’d seen. Try things that match your own energy levels, whilst using up some of theirs and engaging their interest.

I echo all those who advocate Nanny's rules in Nanny's house. When looking after my grandchildren they always knew this and were always happy to comply. In fact I think they actually like helping to lay the table, clearing away when older and being more disciplined in their approach to stays with us. My DD and DIL always knew too and were very happy with my rules. I hasten to add they were not onerous rules just things to make life easier for us all..

are you paid for this work, OP.

I think you need to lay down the law on how they behave when they’re with you. Otherwise you are going to resent them coming and give yourself unnecessary stress which will only hinder your enjoyment of your grandchildren. Sit the 4 year old down and see what they like. I have bought my grandchildren age appropriate maths and English books. Find out what they like and find some outside clubs, libraries are great for holding activities.

Bungle
You need to perfect the look and the voice 😡

it's too much for you, say so, stop doing it.
they are their parents' responsibility, not yours.
you do not have to endure this extra anxiety in your latter years.
you are entitled to live as well as possible, relaxed as possible.
cut out the stress.
good luck.

Some really good advice on here Bungle including talking to their parents. Their laid back approach may work for them, but it clearly isn't working for you and they need to know that and support you if they want you to continue to look after the children.

You will need to change things gradually. Decide what parts of their behaviour bother you the most and what would improve things. Start with one thing. Get a star chart and set a target for each day for each of them. Something not too difficult that you know they can do, like tidying away their toys. If they do it they get a star. 2 stars (one each day) gets them a little prize.
The trouble with bad behaviour is that it becomes a downward spiral you get trapped in. Try to find some aspect of their behaviour which you are happy with and when they behave well give them a hug and praise them. Watch them and see what they really like and use that to reward good behaviour. One word of praise is worth 10 of criticism. Sometimes it is really hard to do, but it does work.
Good luck

The eldest is now old enough to understand that GM rules are not the same as rules at home ( if there are any ,! ) Their parents should respect this too. If not tell them their children are too much for you to manage , then back out of the arrangement - simple! You should not have to feel this way. Be brave , set your bounderies for the children and their parents , if they are unable to respect your rules then that can pay for alternative day care for their children. Remember There are their children and their responsibility!!