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Grandparenting

Daughter gatekeeping granddaughter

(126 Posts)
ClaireCEC Thu 17-Aug-23 00:37:22

What a fucking heap of shite!!! My Mum and Dad and in laws were invaluable in first days of my babies births! There were no rules, regulations or gatekeeping you just got on with it with the loving support of your close family. The advice that is being put to new parents about waiting times etc etc is fucking crap! It destroys the grandparents and robs the baby of valuable bonding time with their grandparents!

aonk Fri 18-Aug-23 11:24:29

I’d like to comment on the issue of bonding. Before my first baby was born I had an emergency eye operation and remained in hospital until labour started. I didn’t go home for 3 weeks afterwards. For most of this time she was cared for by the various nurses on the ward although she was brought to me to be breast fed from time to time. I changed my first nappy and did the first bath the day before I went home. At night she stayed in the nursery. All of this was necessary to allow my eye to heal. My DH tried to visit as often as he could but wasn’t able to stay long. So not much bonding with either of us in those early days. I’m very close to my DD and always have been and saw no difference between my relationship with her and her younger sister with whom there was every opportunity to bond. The priority has to be the welfare of mother and baby. Everything else falls into place.

Chocolatelovinggran Fri 18-Aug-23 12:00:19

My newest DGD is three months old and seems happy, bonded and smily with her mummy and daddy. She's fairly interested in me but is much more fascinated by my stripy - shirts... bonding with me may have to wait a while.

Callistemon21 Fri 18-Aug-23 12:10:52

I do wonder whether anyone on here has ever seen a spontaneous, un-medicalised delivery
Well, only from my own perspective.
Not a member of the medical staff in sight (gone to lunch).

Calipso Fri 18-Aug-23 12:35:35

Callistemon21

^I do wonder whether anyone on here has ever seen a spontaneous, un-medicalised delivery^
Well, only from my own perspective.
Not a member of the medical staff in sight (gone to lunch).

Well thank heavens for that Callistemon
I was beginning to think that I'm living in a parallel universe 😉

Callistemon21 Fri 18-Aug-23 12:43:37

Calipso

Callistemon21

I do wonder whether anyone on here has ever seen a spontaneous, un-medicalised delivery
Well, only from my own perspective.
Not a member of the medical staff in sight (gone to lunch).

Well thank heavens for that Callistemon
I was beginning to think that I'm living in a parallel universe 😉

I was in a hospital, not by the side of the field, Calipso
smile
It took everyone by surprise except me! I did tell them ......

Blondiescot Fri 18-Aug-23 12:50:17

Calipso

MercuryQueen

Not to mention c-sections, epidurals, inductions, versions, forceps…

All very useful when needed. But none are a function of the physiological process that is normal birth.
Birth is NOT a medical procedure.
I do wonder whether anyone on here has ever seen a spontaneous, un-medicalised delivery shock

For many of us, unfortunately, birth was anything but 'normal'. Yes, I have friends who were lucky enough to experience births with very little, if any, medical intervention. I was not. Two emergency c-sections.

Foxygloves Fri 18-Aug-23 12:56:30

Callistemon21

^I do wonder whether anyone on here has ever seen a spontaneous, un-medicalised delivery^
Well, only from my own perspective.
Not a member of the medical staff in sight (gone to lunch).

Youngest DGS delivered by his father , at home, in the early hours of the morning, three weeks early. Talked through it by a paramedic who arrived in the course of the birth, the midwife arriving after littlest fella was born.
D had chosen to have a home birth but had not expected express delivery and was very miffed at missing out on the tinkly music playlist, scented candles and birthing pool! Fortunately her sister D2 lives close enough get there in time to look after her 2 year old little boy in the bedroom next door.

Grams2five Fri 18-Aug-23 15:00:58

Are we realt arguing jts rbith isn’t a medical procedure and therefore new mums don’t deserve rest and recovery after the same as any other ? Ladies anyone who thinks that is disturbing. Myself , I had four births back in the day. Two required muxh medial intervention. Two were “easy” unmedicated births at hospital. You know what ? I needed time to recover and rest after both. Both tore my body in half and required stitches in places one should never have stitches. Both left me spent , exhausted, and sore and bleeding. And the hormone fluctuation that comes from childbirth is a roller coaster.

New mums absolutely deserve space to heal, and rest and yes - recover - however it is that best supports themselves and baby. Even if that means greedy granny granny has to bind her time and wait. If there’s ever a moment in a women’s life it is in fact entirely about her needs and wants its childbirth and recovery. Becaus that new baby only has one need and want itself - and that is a happy healthy mother.

Callistemon21 Fri 18-Aug-23 15:07:47

Even if that means greedy granny granny has to bind her time and wait. If there’s ever a moment in a women’s life it is in fact entirely about her needs and wants its childbirth and recovery. Becaus that new baby only has one need and want itself - and that is a happy healthy mother

greedy granny?? 🤔

And a new mother may need someone other than her husband/partner to help - one who knows her better than any other mother ie her own Mum.
A mother who knows the best thing to do is the cooking, do the washing, shopping, keep older siblings happy, be there if needed but not take over.

Not all new grandmothers are greedy grannies.
😡

Hithere Fri 18-Aug-23 15:23:08

It is up to the mother to request help from whomever she needs help from - if she wants that help

Relatives do not always know her best

Callistemon21 Fri 18-Aug-23 15:25:32

What strange families some of you must have.

Sad.

Sasta Fri 18-Aug-23 15:26:38

I fully agree with MercuryQueen’s response. I think ClaireCEC feels she’s in a safe place to blow off steam. That said:
‘Why swearing is a sign of intelligence, helps manage pain and more’
By Sandee LaMotte, CNN
Updated 2:23 PM EDT, Thu June 01, 2023. Just saying……

Sasta Fri 18-Aug-23 15:34:23

biglouis

New parents will want time to bond with their baby without anyone else butting in. Deal with it.

Yes I agree about the language. Ive worked in environments where "robust" adult language was the default. But it does give the impression of a certain social class with whom I would not want my child (if I had one) to come into contact.

I definitely agree with the bonding needs. I remember being worn out with callers when I had my babies. But I really don’t think swearing is a class thing. Some of the most highly educated and extremely ‘posh’ folk I’ve known and worked with over the years have cussed like crazy. They just sound posher doing it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hithere Fri 18-Aug-23 15:45:17

Calliste

I agree but we don't pick our birth parents

It all ends up working out somehow

Callistemon21 Fri 18-Aug-23 17:14:25

Sasta

biglouis

New parents will want time to bond with their baby without anyone else butting in. Deal with it.

Yes I agree about the language. Ive worked in environments where "robust" adult language was the default. But it does give the impression of a certain social class with whom I would not want my child (if I had one) to come into contact.

I definitely agree with the bonding needs. I remember being worn out with callers when I had my babies. But I really don’t think swearing is a class thing. Some of the most highly educated and extremely ‘posh’ folk I’ve known and worked with over the years have cussed like crazy. They just sound posher doing it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I remember being worn out with callers when I had my babies

This is where a sensible grandparent can act as gatekeeper.
Only let wanted visitors in or keep them away from Mum and baby in another room.

I wish I'd been firmer when DD had DGS but I wasn't on familiar ground.

VioletSky Fri 18-Aug-23 17:21:10

New mums tend to want people around them who are there as a support, not just for the baby

It's little wonder young couples are learning that time bonding with the baby is better than all the visitors wanting to bond with their babies NOW.

It's so entitled

I am glad new families are setting healthy boundaries these days

Callistemon21 Fri 18-Aug-23 17:25:22

New mums tend to want people around them who are there as a support, not just for the baby

Yes.
In most cases this would probably be helpful grandparents (not always, I know). Thank goodness for my Mum's cooking.

But not grandparents who are miffed at not getting first cuddles with the baby.

Hithere Fri 18-Aug-23 17:42:54

"This is where a sensible grandparent can act as gatekeeper."

Sure, if the parents want that

It baffles me how a couple before kids are seen to be capable to manage their own lives

When a baby is in the mix, that same couple become clueless about life and unable to manage anything without the older generation's assistance, for example

Grams2five Fri 18-Aug-23 17:47:41

This is where a sensible grandparent can act as gatekeeper.
Only let wanted visitors in or keep them away from Mum and baby in another room. Assuming the grandparent themselves are a wanted visitor. New parents are fully capable adults. Surely we can recognize and accept that some wish to be left alone

Grams2five Fri 18-Aug-23 17:50:00

“And a new mother may need someone other than her husband/partner to help - one who knows her better than any other mother ie her own Mum.”

She may and I’d she requests that they’re wonderful. What a new mum doesn’t need is anyone - her own mum included deciding for her that she would wants or needs their help.

Hithere Fri 18-Aug-23 18:08:24

Another person gatekeeping for the parents may add another layer of coordination- more effort and time the new parents to the already crazy schedule

People usually respect the parents' wishes

If not - doorbells can be disabled
Phones can be put in dnd
Messages, calls, knocks,... ignored

Grandma gatekeeping for the parents - another way of putting themselves inside the nuclear family where all baby action happens

NotSpaghetti Fri 18-Aug-23 18:13:09

And this new mum only wanted her husband with her.

We actually went out to a "remote" area on day 2 to get some alone-time.

It was the most glorious and peaceful afternoon.

lyleLyle Fri 18-Aug-23 18:17:25

@Calipso

Thanks for the permission to sneer. I will continue to do so grin.

As I said, clinicians around the world would disagree. I’ve worked in healthcare for most of my adult life. Just because you say it isn’t doesn’t make it so.

lyleLyle Fri 18-Aug-23 18:21:38

Grams2five

It’s also entirely possible the needs were always the same but the old advice was wrong.

Correct! I guess the entire concept of learning, research, and adequate changes as a result of said learning are a myth to some people.

Let’s just all return to the old days were infant and maternal mortality rates were much higher since nothing changes. The days where PPD and PPA were undiagnosed and therefore untreated, because the wants of the larger community are more important than the needs of new parents and baby. Why stop there? Let’s just all do everything the same always because change is evil and upsets people. hmm

lyleLyle Fri 18-Aug-23 18:25:13

Callistemon21

^Even if that means greedy granny granny has to bind her time and wait. If there’s ever a moment in a women’s life it is in fact entirely about her needs and wants its childbirth and recovery. Becaus that new baby only has one need and want itself - and that is a happy healthy mother^

greedy granny?? 🤔

And a new mother may need someone other than her husband/partner to help - one who knows her better than any other mother ie her own Mum.
A mother who knows the best thing to do is the cooking, do the washing, shopping, keep older siblings happy, be there if needed but not take over.

Not all new grandmothers are greedy grannies.
😡

Whether or not someone needs help is surely up to the individual.

Insisting that someone needs your help is a personal problem. It’s not the problem of the new mum.