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Grandparenting

Daughter gatekeeping granddaughter

(126 Posts)
ClaireCEC Thu 17-Aug-23 00:37:22

What a fucking heap of shite!!! My Mum and Dad and in laws were invaluable in first days of my babies births! There were no rules, regulations or gatekeeping you just got on with it with the loving support of your close family. The advice that is being put to new parents about waiting times etc etc is fucking crap! It destroys the grandparents and robs the baby of valuable bonding time with their grandparents!

Cold Fri 18-Aug-23 18:29:28

Callistemon21

Sasta

biglouis

New parents will want time to bond with their baby without anyone else butting in. Deal with it.

Yes I agree about the language. Ive worked in environments where "robust" adult language was the default. But it does give the impression of a certain social class with whom I would not want my child (if I had one) to come into contact.

I definitely agree with the bonding needs. I remember being worn out with callers when I had my babies. But I really don’t think swearing is a class thing. Some of the most highly educated and extremely ‘posh’ folk I’ve known and worked with over the years have cussed like crazy. They just sound posher doing it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I remember being worn out with callers when I had my babies

This is where a sensible grandparent can act as gatekeeper.
Only let wanted visitors in or keep them away from Mum and baby in another room.

I wish I'd been firmer when DD had DGS but I wasn't on familiar ground.

Funnily enough my DH managed to do that all by himself during his 2 weeks of paternity leave.

Although for DD1 I had to spend 7 days in the hospital and the hospital allowed no visitors on the ward apart from husband/ partner and siblings. So everyone else had to wait anyway.

lyleLyle Fri 18-Aug-23 18:31:33

Hithere

It is up to the mother to request help from whomever she needs help from - if she wants that help

Relatives do not always know her best

Exactly!

I’m not understanding why some insist on pushing the savior complex on an unwelcoming subject. An adult is perfectly capable of accessing their own needs. It’s arrogant and selfish to push “help” where it is clearly not wanted. Help is only help if it’s wanted. Apparently families where the adults were raised to be independent and functioning are strange to some people. How sad for those low functioning families.

Callistemon21 Fri 18-Aug-23 19:46:56

Funnily enough my DH managed to do that all by himself during his 2 weeks of paternity leave

Oh yes, paternity leave 😁😁😁

I was forgetting - no such thing years ago!!

Callistemon21 Fri 18-Aug-23 19:51:43

lyleLyle

Hithere

It is up to the mother to request help from whomever she needs help from - if she wants that help

Relatives do not always know her best

Exactly!

I’m not understanding why some insist on pushing the savior complex on an unwelcoming subject. An adult is perfectly capable of accessing their own needs. It’s arrogant and selfish to push “help” where it is clearly not wanted. Help is only help if it’s wanted. Apparently families where the adults were raised to be independent and functioning are strange to some people. How sad for those low functioning families.

One minute new mothers have had "medical procedures", are in dire need with stitches, soreness and overcoming all kinds of problem , the next they are fully functioning adults in no need of help.

Anyone who might love their parents and welcome them and some help are low-functioning adults

Honestly, you lot crack me up 😂😂😂

Whatever suits your present narrative 😂

MercuryQueen Fri 18-Aug-23 20:19:09

Perhaps it’s just me, but I believe the point ISN’T that a new mom/parents don’t want or need help, but rather that as capable adults, they’re more than able to ASK for what they need, from those they trust. They don’t need someone forcing anything on them. One person’s ‘help’ is another’s misery.

And I don’t for a single nanosecond assume that just because someone’s a parent. My mother would tell me, well into adulthood, that she knew me better than I knew myself. She didn’t have a clue.

lyleLyle Fri 18-Aug-23 20:30:18

Who on Earth suggested that a medical procedure equals a need for help from anyone but whom the patient chooses? Medical procedures aren’t defined by whether or not one needs help after. Mutually exclusive issues. It’s strange that this needs explaining hmm.

Who on but those who need to feel like a savior suggested a woman’s husband was not enough if she deems it so?

Let’s not just randomly conflate separate issues to prove a silly point. If you haven’t encountered a single healthy young couple who was capable of managing their lives, maybe the people around you just don’t function well generally. It’s one thing to need the help, it’s entirely different to think it strange when a family manages to function without asking for help. It shouldn’t be “strange” to see a couple get on with the post birth experience without needed mummy or MIL to save them any more than it should be strange to ask for help when it’s needed.

A need for help doesn’t mean the “help” is mummy’s or MIL’s space to step into.

lyleLyle Fri 18-Aug-23 20:33:45

To be clear, it’s perfectly normal and natural to need help and ask for it after birth or really any time in life. What isn’t normal or natural is defining someone else’s needs for them. Adults can ask for help if and when they need it. Why is that so hard to grasp?

VioletSky Fri 18-Aug-23 20:42:10

Adults generally know who is best to ask for help

Sadly, they sometimes ask for the parent they should have had and not the one they actually have... Then find themselves in a worse pickle then when they started

Mama2020 Sat 19-Aug-23 00:22:37

Callistemon21

^Even if that means greedy granny granny has to bind her time and wait. If there’s ever a moment in a women’s life it is in fact entirely about her needs and wants its childbirth and recovery. Becaus that new baby only has one need and want itself - and that is a happy healthy mother^

greedy granny?? 🤔

And a new mother may need someone other than her husband/partner to help - one who knows her better than any other mother ie her own Mum.
A mother who knows the best thing to do is the cooking, do the washing, shopping, keep older siblings happy, be there if needed but not take over.

Not all new grandmothers are greedy grannies.
😡

A bit patriarchal to declare you know what new mum needs better than she does. Especially if you aren’t her mother. Yes, many new parents appreciate and benefit from help. However, that doesn’t mean new mum doesn’t get the final say and have the right to decline it.

MercuryQueen Sat 19-Aug-23 06:13:42

A bit patriarchal to declare you know what new mum needs better than she does. Especially if you aren’t her mother. Yes, many new parents appreciate and benefit from help. However, that doesn’t mean new mum doesn’t get the final say and have the right to decline it.

Yes, this! I might have an exceptional husband, but I’ve never needed someone else’s help, be it after childbirth or surgery. He’s got everything handled, from parenting to housework. His cooking isn’t top notch, and we absolutely adored it when my BFF brought us over an amazing lunch when they came to meet the baby, but everyone was fed. Once he learned to change diapers with the first, there was no hesitation in my going for a nap, a shower, or whatever else I needed to do baby-free.

I genuinely can’t imagine what someone else could do to help that he didn’t.

But I can think of several mothers that I’d have called if I had needed someone, and neither of our mothers would’ve been on the list.

Chardy Sat 19-Aug-23 09:51:11

When the grandparents live round the corner, they can pop in for 5 minutes often, bring in the odd bit of shopping etc. When they live 200 miles away, they need to stay overnight, and be 'entertained' for their one visit every few months.

Callistemon21 Sat 19-Aug-23 10:33:46

But I can think of several mothers that I’d have called if I had needed someone, and neither of our mothers would’ve been on the list

That is so sad. ☹

Callistemon21 Sat 19-Aug-23 10:34:54

Chardy

When the grandparents live round the corner, they can pop in for 5 minutes often, bring in the odd bit of shopping etc. When they live 200 miles away, they need to stay overnight, and be 'entertained' for their one visit every few months.

😂😂😂

Mamasperspective Sat 19-Aug-23 19:34:51

Completely disagree - I decided to have no visitors at the hospital when I gave birth (for context, I gave birth just before 8am and was discharged at 10pm the same day) and got backlash for it. After carrying the baby for 9 months, putting my life on the line to give birth and then having all the post-natal issues to deal with, I didn't think it unreasonable to want a few hours for 2 parents to bond with their new baby. I was at MIL's the next day at 10am (again pressured into it). After that MIL rang numerous times every day, wanted CONSTANT pictures and turned up at our house every other day and just wanted to hog the baby for hours. In between she would send messages to say how she missed baby sooooo much because she hasn't seen her for a full day .... consequently what with having other family want to meet baby too (they were not overbearing about it but I had to try to fit people around MIL as she wouldn't let anyone else hold the baby) I felt like I didn't get chance to bond with baby myself and ended up with terrible post-natal depression. I am now pregnant again and MIL won't meet baby for weeks. After a baby is born, it's got nothing to do with people meeting LO, it's literally mother and baby's recovery time and the entitlement of some (not all) means that is not being respected. Mothers going through post-natal recovery are being forced to put their foot down now to avoid being steamrolled. These MIL's who try to put pressure on the new parents have had their own babies, now it's time for them to step back and respect that this new little family needs (and deserves) some space.

MercuryQueen Sat 19-Aug-23 19:57:07

Callistemon21

^But I can think of several mothers that I’d have called if I had needed someone, and neither of our mothers would’ve been on the list^

That is so sad. ☹

Honestly, I’m glad that I have others to call on. Not everyone gets the parents they deserve, but if you’re lucky, you’ll find family along the way.

Mama2020 Sun 20-Aug-23 22:08:40

Callistemon21

^But I can think of several mothers that I’d have called if I had needed someone, and neither of our mothers would’ve been on the list^

That is so sad. ☹

When you see the kind of rage and demands on display by OP, are you really surprised that a new mum would find that unhelpful? I’m also in the category of someone who did not want the help of either of our mothers. Their presence would’ve been more stress than help. Why should new mum have to put her own well-being and needs last?

biglouis Sun 20-Aug-23 22:37:52

Another thread which makes me feel soooo glad I made the decision to be child free.

Callistemon21 Sun 20-Aug-23 22:54:00

biglouis

Another thread which makes me feel soooo glad I made the decision to be child free.

I think these kinds of threads attract those with difficult family relationships, biglouis and make them seem like the norm.

Franbern Mon 21-Aug-23 09:04:17

When my first baby was born it was still the case of first babies meant a ten day stay in maternity hospital -which was wonderfl as it really helped to introudce us to baby care

My parents did not drive, and they lived a good 30 minute bus ride away. My Mum so wanted to help and once I was home from hisptial came over each day, leaving late afternoon to go home to prepare. meal for my Dad (who was still working)

I did not know anyone in my locality and was delighted at first to have company each day, but then found the problems. WHen baby was having a sleep, I wanted/needed tohave a rest but felt guilty at leaving my Mum by herself, even thought she was telling me to have that rest. After the first week, I told her I felt it was too much for her that bus ride each way every day (and it was) so just to come over at weekends. Think we were both equally delighted with this!!!

Baby No. 2 arrived exactly eleven months later, no suggestion then of Mum coming every day. Indeed, when No 3 arrived (rather premature), and due to circumstances I had to discharge her and myself from hospital after three days I actually then asked my Mum to stay for a couple of weeks to help me out (older two were then 3 and 2 yrs old). She refused, as Dad was unwell and she needed tobe with him.

When my own daughters had babies, I always managed to get to see them (sometmes after long drives), that same day. Usually managing to change first nappies!!! Stayed for a few days with first g.son and was able to advise on b.feeding (midwives suggested she gave up!!) But on third day, felt in the way and went back home, returning a few weeks later after her hubbie was back at work and was able to assist with things like shopping cooking ironing, cleaning - (baby was her area).

Next g.child born, lived less than a mile from me. Would never have thought of just popping in, but rushed round when my daughter phoned in tears at what midwife was saying. (Yet another telling new Mum to stop b.feeding).

Back when I had that third baby in three years, my Dad told me 'Your babies, your responsibility' - and he was so right.

M0nica Tue 22-Aug-23 17:33:28

Modern technology, wifi, mobile phones etc seems to mean that in many cases the natural gap that used to grow between parent and child as they become independent and establish their own home and family, seems not to happen in many families and mothers, in particular, seem to expect the same freedom to walk in and out of their children's lives as they did when they were single.

I can remember very clearly that when I married, my parents took a clear step back from my life because my life as it was, had ended. I was starting a new life as me and DH and they felt they should only be in it by invitation. It didn't mean that we no longer had a close and loving relationship, but the boundaries had changed.

Cold Tue 22-Aug-23 21:35:42

Callistemon21

^Funnily enough my DH managed to do that all by himself during his 2 weeks of paternity leave^

Oh yes, paternity leave 😁😁😁

I was forgetting - no such thing years ago!!

Ahh - I had my children in Sweden that introduced the right to paternity leave in 1974

In fact DH continued to take paternity leave 1 day per week until the kids were 6 and 4

NotSpaghetti Wed 23-Aug-23 07:26:08

Cold DH continued to take paternity leave 1 day per week until the kids were 6 and 4
How lovely!

DiamondLily Thu 24-Aug-23 18:46:44

ClaireCEC

What a fucking heap of shite!!! My Mum and Dad and in laws were invaluable in first days of my babies births! There were no rules, regulations or gatekeeping you just got on with it with the loving support of your close family. The advice that is being put to new parents about waiting times etc etc is fucking crap! It destroys the grandparents and robs the baby of valuable bonding time with their grandparents!

Well. I have to admit I don't quite get all the drama surrounding giving birth. I never felt the need to do it, nor did my ACs. No such thing as paternal leave then.

But, I wouldn't go storming in, hurling abuse, giving your opinion, either.

I would just take it slow. 🙂

Mamasperspective Wed 30-Aug-23 07:31:38

I think the message here is that the new mother should be able to choose who SHE feels most comfortable around post-birth and that clearly isn't OP.

Babies don't have any object permanence until after 2 months anyway so it's a waste of time trying to bond with baby before then. Baby will only bond with the parents who they are with 24/7 in the beginning. The ONLY person that gets their needs met by OP coming over sooner is OP. Let the little nuclear family enjoy their time and space, this is their baby.

Rosiegirl23 Tue 21-Nov-23 22:19:54

You seem awful and frankly I wouldn’t let you near my children/ grandchildren. And your daughter is not gatekeeping anything. She is bonding with HER CHILD and getting used to being a new parent without having to deal with someone as selfish and self absorbed as you.