Feeling neglected unless needed for babysitting

So sad to read yet another post along these lines. I am in a very similar situation and im afraid due to reasons it would take to long to explain ive had to come to a vety hard decision which is i must now tell daughter and sil i can no longer take their terrible treatment to me. I used to be extremely close to daughter but the longer she is with sil the worse her behaviour has got. It now affects my mental health very badly so i have to walk away. My gd is 6 i love her deeply, i think of her constantly, i can not sleep but neither can i take the treatment from her parents. Please stop watering plants and ironing you are being used. I wish you all the best.

I felt that we lost touch with my son's children during lockdown, it was inevitable and now they are three years older and more independent anyway.
They're living about 40 minutes away and I'm nerving myself to start to drive there myself, it's a horrible journey involving the M3, M25 and a torturous route full of roundabouts and speeding commuters. Usually my husband drives but I think I'd see more of them if I drove myself sometimes.

I too wouldn’t be doing the ironing. What an awful way to use a grandparent. Invite them to lunch etc or maybe just turn up to them to see your grandchildren. Maybe go with them to pick children up. I’m also in a similar position. Never get an invite when it’s one of the grandchildren’s birthday as they’re always busy with “visitors” they know who to ask if they want money etc. I’ve been feeling used for years.

"am afraid I saw red and I very politely pointed out a few home truths in a long message. Now it seems I am a narcissist with mental health issues. That is quite funny actually as I am far too nervous to be a narcissist. So I have been totally cut off. "

What was were those truths you communicated to them?
Being far too nervous to be narcissistic -
What do you mean by far too nervous?
No, that does not exclude you at all from being classified as one ( not saying you are one)

Getting cut off usually does not come out of the blue

Sadly you are not alone. I have been a single parent since my daughter was 3 when my husband died 38 years ago. She had a baby nearly 8 years ago, I was over the moon, used to travel a long train journey every week to help her and rather than go back to work after maternity leave because the boy was a bit sickly with reflux I paid for their rent for 15 months. So for five years I had the pleasure of my grandson. They moved and bought a house to be closer to me, so from nearly 3 hours, only takes 12 minutes on the train. Covid struck, no face time like other families and gradually I just got phased out and last year I saw them 3 times. When i was invited for Christmas I polited declined as firstly, I suffer from a vax injury and secondly I had a poorly cat who was subsquently euthanised the day after boxing day. Then her partner wrote but you must come because its "family time". I am afraid I saw red and I very politely pointed out a few home truths in a long message. Now it seems I am a narcissist with mental health issues. That is quite funny actually as I am far too nervous to be a narcissist. So I have been totally cut off. I send presents to my grandson approximately every couple of months but no acknowledgment which is pretty rude and not a good example to a 7.5 year old. I have never interfered with them or said anything out of turn. Always was generous with money and affection and not wanting anything in return apart from the occasional message and a little affection. Not forthcoming and never will be now. So if you want to stay in favour, best keep your feelings to yourself or you will end up like me! I am 76, not well to the point now where I have paid for a pre cremation plan and appointed a friend as power of attorney just to be on the safe side.

I only ever hear from my son when he needs a babysitter or a lift to work when his car is off the road. But as I love having the kids I make the best of it. I wouldn’t be doing their ironing though! Why on earth are you doing that? I would tell them you can’t do it due to back problems.

Try not to take it too much to heart. We are in EXACTLY the same situation. I could have written that email myself. We get on with our own lives knowing how busy they all are and are just happy that they are all sociable, busy and enjoying life. We don’t expect loads of attention and don’t get it but we do make sure they don’t have to feel guilty about us.

Something has changed your family dynamics, but I cannot really judge whether it is your attitude or your daughter and son-in-law's attitudes that have changed.

One thing struck me, why do you let SIL challenge your opinions? Have you tried discussing what ever it is he challenges with him? Or asking him why, all of a sudden he feels the need to be so critical of anything you say?

Or ask your daughter whether you have inadvertently offended her husband, as everything you say now seems to be wrong?

Could he or they be picking up on your feelings of neglect and be wondering what that is all about?

Either you have to discuss the way you feel with them, including that you are increasingly feeling pushed aside, or you have to decide that your feelings are not justified, which they may well be, from what you say.

There is no satisfaction to be gained from continuing to be hurt, either do something to change matters, or accept this change however little you like it.

Like Allsorts said, Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
Very good advice. That means any contact is a bonus.
Keep your own interests going and don't even attempt to build your life around them. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.
You will still love them and if they need anything they will contact you. But who wants to be a 'duty'?

Agree totally with Chanel19 … seize back your own control & not be dumped upon. It’s just not acceptable
Start doing your own things to enjoy life. They may actually wake up to the fact that you DO have a life !

I have a niece who I would like to see more often but have to accept that she prefers her other aunts over me, I feel no negativity towards her we all prefer some people over others it is just something that has to be accepted.

I think trying to hard, guilt tripping or complaining about the time spent with others is off putting and can result in no contact at all.

I agree !

I'd retreat from this for a while and see what happens. Very hurtful situation for you. But you need to take control and not be treated like this.
I wouldn't be paying for a holiday as they are high earners, no way.
Eventually this will all sort itself out , which has been my experience in life
Do your own thing for a while, yoga, little treats, and outings with nice friends. You have a life too.
Take care x

Covid certainly changed the world as well as family relationships. But this particular issue is a classic ‘elderlies’ complaint. Ageing means focusing on changing too! And this means understanding that it’s healthy and normal for family ties to loosen. It sounds as if your grown up children and family are the all encompassing centre of your ‘ageing’ world and you have neglected the need to expand on other interests, hobbies and friendships to balance out having their reluctance to regularly commit to being with you. And if you take on the task of doing their ironing ……yet feeling resentful about it ……just will add fuel to the fire!

I feel for you and understand. I live an hour's drive away (and am on my own) but my son in law's parents live near to them and understandably they see them more often. I look after my grandson one day a week (it was two days until he went to nursery). I go to them. But I honestly think I wouldnt see them if I didnt do that as they very very rarely come to me. What really hurts is when I know they are visiting friends near to me and don't even pop in to say hello. It's hard, not sure that helps you but maybe knowing you are not alone can be helpful.

Hi. I think Maddyone may have a point about the control bit from SIL. If I were you I definitely would nt ‘ help’ domestically , as there really is no need. I suggest you take your daughter and GC to some where nice overnight in the Christmas holidays if you afford it with plenty of notice! . Maybe one Saturday night as a treat with a Christmas pantomime or something thrown in. ?. Could be just a nice Air b& b Maybe via train to avoid stress of driving. I think if you gain some closeness together with your daughter that would be great. SIL possibly will object if she goes alone with you without the children [ even though he goes away himself] I. Sorry but yes sounds controlling, to me. Not sure if above helps! X

Maybe you could take your daughter out on her own and gently tell her you miss seeing more of the children. Maybe you could
Agree some contact that helps them and gives you a chance to rebuild that closeness.
You are not alone in feeling that covid stole our precious time with small grandchildren.

I can only agree that a bond did get loosened during Covid. Our GC are now more or less past needing any care and all the AC work full time. We are lucky in that they check up on us but while we can lead an active life I think they let us get on with it. I do an occasional Sunday lunch and WhatsApp the GC regularly but they are much older than yours

When you say, "Challenges your opinions" what do you mean? Is it just general opinions or opinions on their kids or something else? Why don't you speak to your daughter and tell her you need to talk to her and want to go for a coffee one on one?

Is there any element of coercive control going on? Is your sil coercively controlling your daughter, and has used lockdown to reinforce this? It sounds possible to me but I may be wrong. It’s just a thought as I have experience of this and what you describe fits a pattern of that type of behaviour.

Not only did she look after the kid but while he was sleeping she used to do all their cleaning and ironing and prepare their evening meal!!

SuzieHi

Thanks for all replies- seems like we’re not alone - a sign of the times maybe. Appreciate family life is busy for them - just wish we felt more valued and were included more often!
They probably would agree to a holiday if we paid for it all. They are all very high earners & could pay for us!

Don’t do it!

My late MIL looked after her grandson from birth until he started school so his parents could go to work. They were both very high earners and he drove a brand new Porsche but my MIL used to buy all the BOGOF foods and cleaning materials and take it to them!!

As soon as the boy started school they washed their hands of her.

“Pick up the ironing”?

Are you seriously saying you do their ironing? Maybe SIL should get his mother to do the ironing seeing as he likes to have them round so much. Don’t behave like a doormat and you won’t be treated like one I’m afraid.

Thanks for all replies- seems like we’re not alone - a sign of the times maybe. Appreciate family life is busy for them - just wish we felt more valued and were included more often!
They probably would agree to a holiday if we paid for it all. They are all very high earners & could pay for us!

silverlining48

for anyone feeling upset about constantly ‘busy’ families.
We were parents of children and were busy too, but I always prioritised time for my mum.
I can only say keep yourselves occupied and try not to dwell on things which only make you sad.

You are so right silverlining48

I used to write to my parents every week without fail before they got a phone at home. I had small children and was really busy but I made the time. I am so glad I did.