Feeling neglected unless needed for babysitting

for anyone feeling upset about constantly ‘busy’ families.
We were parents of children and were busy too, but I always prioritised time for my mum.
I can only say keep yourselves occupied and try not to dwell on things which only make you sad.

Gosh! I am so glad we never shut any of our kids grandparents out. We lived hundreds of miles from one set and just over 100 miles from the other set so we got no help with babysitting, school runs etc.

We used to go and stay with both sets but I always took loads of food and always helped with washing up etc as I didn’t want them to feel put upon. We moved closer to my parents when the kids were at primary school but I never used them as child minders as they had just retired and for the first time ever, had time to themselves.

It doesn’t sit right with me for grandparents having to pay for very expensive holidays so everyone can get together otherwise they don’t!

We did a lot for our son, DIL and two GC when the GC were younger.

Collected them from school twice a week, gave them tea, took them to dancing and football classes etc, had them stay overnight babysitting on occasions.

When Covid hit, it coincided with GD just starting at secondary school, her brother is two years older, so apart from the pandemic restrictions, they were growing up and not needing us as much.

We have never really got back to our original quite close and useful relationship. GC now 18 and nearly 16, we don’t see a lot of them or their parents although we only live a few minutes walk away. We come in handy to feed the Guinea pigs when they go on holiday.

But they are all busy with their lives, and we are just not needed like we once were.

Our DD and family live in Australia, so have never had the same connection with them as with the local lot, and it is a bit sad, but that is just how it is.

I wonder whether they would be more receptive to something like a park date or picnic? You could say you'll teach the kids boules or play cricket (bowl, bat and behind the wicket are roles with minimal physical exertion). Most situations diffuse when you aren't sat around in houses, the outdoors is good for everyone and you are less likely to end up talking about topics that cross hairs.

Or are you able to suggest an outing to the zoo, a petting zoo, bird of prey centre, an event or something else?

Or would your daughter come alone with the kids? Say yoh miss your tumr together. Another way of keeping the atmosphere pleasant.

I mention the outdoor stuff because as a kid I loved my grandparents but much preferred running around outside than being indoors on a weekend.

CrazyH I think you have been very generous. I hope they realise when you tell them you're not doing it his year. Good for you.
Drina01 very sad for you. SiL sounds like a piece of work.

Gosh this could be me OP ! Very similar - though SIL favours his family who live 10 minutes from them and we live an hour away. I do school pick up 2 x week but feel he deliberately comes home early to prove a point. I have always supported my daughter but over the years feel his influence is so great on her she has changed so much. ... Though when he's not around she can revert to her old self. Anything I have a view on he now has a negative response. My husband has been poorly with major surgery yet he never asks/asked about him then or now. Since Covid he seems to think he's rather important and have to say drinks/eats rather a lot and encourages daughter to do the same resulting in her being rather overweight and not the same girl she was. My mother and I were so close and she helped me a lot and I had hoped for the same. The oldest child is only just 9 and I looked after her 3 days a week from age 1 as daughter was working and retraining ( and taking regular exams which I paid for) and SIL had strict working hours. Since Covid this has resulted in the now 5 year old sitting on his tablet/switch constantly which he encourages. I gave them money for their first house, and always paid for holidays until I recently retired. She now is the higher stable earner. I haven't spent Xmas day with her (or them) since 2005 when she first met SIL as he didn't want to come to us and she does everything he wants. He regularly goes off on holiday with his mates leaving her to cope. Bottom line is I complained slightly a few months back as he really upset me and totally was ignoring me ( he regularly comes home early and goes into dining room to play online games - he shouts 'goodbye'), which resulted in my daughter getting upset and not seeing my point of view. I've had to back down and become an observer. Bit heartbreaking actually. ... I also do ironing OP though SIL has had an opinion on that too ! ... It is almost as though since turning 70 we've been discarded .... I try to keep positive and do my own thing but sometimes it's hard.

Romola is very right. The only way you’ll get a family holiday is if you pay for it. Every Christmas, I take the family 6 adults and 6 children, away to a nice hotel , overnight stay etc. The little cousins get to play with one another etc. This Xmas I will probably take them all for a nice meal in the New Year….that’s it. No overnight stay. They are all high earners. They should be treating me , not the other way round. I am tightening my belt this year.
Having said that, I don’t do much for them during the year. Babysitting and school runs are mostly done by the other younger grandparents. Of course I do the occasional school run.

I would definitely not be ironing for these two entitled individuals.
Why does your daughter not step up or visit?

Sorry but I'd feel inclined to say they could bring the ironing to your house, along with the children, when you next babysit for them.
Then send it back again, unironed, as you were having such a good time with the children there simply wasn't time to do it 🫢

Seriously though, what an entitled pair these parents are! 😳
Are you able to have a heart to heart talk with your daughter about how you feel?

Good suggestions from CocoPops.
And - this is an expensive suggestion - the way you'll get a family holiday is if you pay for it. We used to have weeks in the UK in very special really big enough self-catering houses or castles. Much cheaper than going abroad, more comfortable, more interesting for us all.
It was appreciated.

I agree that Covid has changed some relationships.Maybe you can discuss this with your daughter and son-in-law and tell them that you feel sad about not seeing them quite so often.
Perhaps you can be pro-active and ask them if they'd like to commit to something regular eg. a weekly or monthly meal at your place. How about looking at holidays and suggesting one for you all? Do you do fun things with the children eg baking, swimming or 10 pin bowling?. How about suggesting you all go to the pantomime together? Or you could just take the children.
If the parents aren't keen to socialise, I suggest you forge ahead with fun things to achieve a close bond with your grandchildren.

I had to accept that's how it was years ago, I expect nothing so not disappointed. Pointless saying anything, young families have so many pressures now that we didn't have. I just want my son to be happy and I think he is, not needed for babysitting as children grown and busy. Grandchildren send the odd text, but rarely see them, I know they want yo be either their friends now after missing out so much due to Covid. If you can make the most of your time with your partner and if you can afford it go away on holiday. do things the two of you enjoy,whilst you can.

P,

Anything happened between your daughter and you?

To be honest, families with kids have hectic weekends, and with three kids - even more hectic.

About the lunch invite - how far in advance did you send the invite?

Your sil and challenging your comments - what kind of comments are we talking about?

You can always say no to their requests if you feel you are taken advantage of

Primrose is right, this happens often.
Why don't you ring and invite them? And suggest a holiday together and see what response you get.

It must be tough for you but I know several people in the same position. Often one set of grandparents get favoured over the other. It is really sad and unfair. I don’t really have an answer for you but maybe somebody else will.