Feeling neglected unless needed for babysitting

Time for an honest and friendly chat with your daughter, telling her exactly what you have told us. There is no need to fall out with her, but it is something that needs a discussion.

@mh1953 - I'm so sorry you're so neglected by your daughter. It's very callous, bearing in mind you've made the huge effort to move near to them and done this completely alone.

I can only suggest you try and recreate a good life for yourself in your new area. Look up volunteering activities, maybe clubs for your age group, and things like that?

My mum always used to say no-one can hurt you like your own child - and I know what she meant, having been on the receiving end of a few slights from my own!!!!

I know how you feel unfortunately. My husband passed away suddenly 2 1/2 years ago. I woke up Jan. 7, 2022 and he had died . I have no words. I lived 2 hours from my son and daughter and my daughter kept pushing for me to move nearer to them. On April 7th 2022 my first grandchild was born. I saw it as such a bright spot in what for me had become a very dark world. When the baby was born I was not allowed to be in the hospital waiting room and didn't meet my granddaughter for 2 weeks until I was invited. When I got to my daughters home to see her my SIL refused to speak to me. He sat about 15 feet away with a mask on, never took his eyes off me and even when I directly spoke to him he wouldn't utter a peep. This was 3 months to the day since my husband of 37 years died. My SIL was mad because I didn't get vaccinated. After that he actully complained that I wasn't as warm and fuzzy with him. He missed it! My daughter started pushing me to move closer and 2 months ago I did. I sold the house my husband and I shared in a small town and moved to a large city where I know no one or where anything is. I am 71 and it was a wrench. Now that I am here I don't see my only daughter for weeks at a time. In 2 months I have only been in their home when they needed a sitter, plus the SIL , who always goes home early from work, calls my daughter and mentions little things that I have done while sitting that he doesn't like! Today is Labor Day, my son is out of town (he and I have a great relationship), my daughter posted pictures of her family at a restaurant that is right near my house. Obviously Mom is only good for babysitting and certainly not for socializing. What the heck am I doing here?

Your son in law sounds like a narcissist and I fear your daughter is therefore in an abusive relationship be it coercive control or worse don't let him isolate her from you!

If a relationship is based on transactions, not on other values as love, friendship, appreciation - what's the point?

You volunteered to be used

Perhaps because there's a fear that changing anything will result in even less contact Hithere, she has said "contact will be even less if we stop".

'Making do' with what's offered doesn't mean that you stop feeling sad and wishing things were better/different does it.

I don't understand

Op starts a thread because she feels neglected and used but willing to change nothing?

Such a lot of replies - thanks to everyone of you for taking the time and offering support or advice. Gransnet is so good when replies are
constructive and helpful.

We are not lacking in things to do at all- have busy lives ourselves and lots of hobbies, friends and holidays to keep us occupied. We don’t feel like doormats but at times feel sad that we’re not considered/ invited /respected more!

We’ll carry on ironing, watering and babysitting for them as this is contact/reason for us to call in for chats. I don’t mind those jobs at all, (not resentful) & contact will be even less if we stop.

Haven’t got a rift between us and DD- she’s just very busy- working, 3 children, home to run etc. Do think Covid broke our bonds. She does send me lots of flowers to say thank you for jobs.

The Gc do like coming to us - always plan fun things to do -cooking, craft, painting, park visits, cafe visits, reading, generally mucking about and playing games. We make it fun & they enjoy it all! Def not bored.

SIL can be contrary & challenges things we say - we find annoying, but DH is always up for a heated debate &SIL will concede if he’s wrong. He’s not a controller - just thoughtless. I don’t like the tension of heated discussions at family time but DH does need to challenge comments.

Times have changed…..

So many grandparents affected by selfish or uncaring adult offspring!

My neighbour has three children and 6 grandchildren on her side of the family. Her son and his wife have not had anything to do with her for about 10 years and she has tried and tried to keep contact going with no luck. He seems to think she is favouring his sisters and their kids over his family but one lives in the same village, the other half hour’s drive away while he is several hours away so she is able to help out at short notice.

She is a very kind, gentle person and would never cause arguments or favour any of her kids but he and his wife want nothing to do with her now and refuse all invitations to family events and she has not seen them for years which is very sad.

SuzieHi, I really feel for you. I can relate to everything you said, you are not alone. All the best.

Apologies as don’t want to take over the OP message/views .. but take comfort in knowing am not alone. Agreed it’s best left alone as too upsetting otherwise and spoils time with GC. Sometimes I feel my mistake is loving my D too much and maybe presumed the relationship would be the same as I had with my mother. I too have never eaten at their house nor been invited at Xmas though in laws do/have. Am not opinionated so that maybe came out wrong - it’s just that whatever I say he says the opposite even when a comment isn’t needed. It’s got to the point where my husband will no longer go down unless necessary for the children who he loves dearly. He did/does feel this too and once said ‘I thought we were good mates’ which made the situation worse. I do try to see good in everyone but there’s something wrong when I know DD ‘white’ lies to cover up his failings. Conclusion is def best left alone I think otherwise you’re tied up in knots.

Also, is this babysitting abs ironing being requested? Or something you’ve freely offered to do?

You mentioned opinions being at odds. Have you considered keeping your opinions to yourself and just enjoying the time you have with your grandchildren? Many parents distance themselves because they get tired of unsolicited advice and the tension that accompanies such disagreements.

SuzieHi, are the other grandparents the 'fun' ones, do you think? You say they holiday together. Have you tried to arrange that? Do you meet up for outings and activities? As they get older, they tend to be bored at 'grannies house'. If they were/are just using you - maybe it's high time to find your own interesting things to do.

Ironing? You do their ironing? Let them do their own or pay some to do it. I iron very little now

I looked after our granddaughter from 3 months old, I got covid and then long covid when she was 2, which made it impossible for me to look after her, they ended up having to pay for childcare and I haven't seen her since, they were very angry about the cost and inconvenience, she's now three and I'm heartbroken, my son has stopped all communication, I've sent cards and messages but had nothing in return, I feel so used. It was obvious they were just using me.

Well I wouldn’t be doing their ironing for a start, that’s really silly to do that, I understand you want to see your grandchildren and they are being quite hurtful towards you! I’d be asking them as to what’s changed, I wouldn’t be at their beck and call either when they snap their fingers! Sadly you can’t change what they want to do, you sound wonderful grandparents though.

My lot are slightly different . My daughter ( 2 miles away) never visits me with the two grandkids…..or invites me to her house , we’ve not fallen out although her dad had to go into permanent care last year as my health no longer allowed me to look after him properly. I’ve had three strokes ( small ones and I’ve mostly recovered from them!) but my ex son in law who also lives 2 miles away and just one mile from my daughter always invites me to his house…to see my grandkids…pops in to see me and do little jobs if I need him to. They share custody of kids one week on and one week off …the kids are happy and blooming and a pleasure to be with . They flit from mums to dads at the drop of a hat …have sets of uniforms and books and toys( youngest) and musical instruments at both houses…I have to say the parents handled thier breakup with absolute honesty and care if the kids….my daughter is a child psychologist…which I suppose helps. But now my daughter doesn’t need my help with childminding and school pickups and takes I see nothing of them. I only see kids when my son in law has them. Weird !!

Feel for you since Covid nothing is the same in family life. I do school run once a week occasionally babysitting picking up from after school clubs .Live 15 minutes walk away .Other GP lives 45 min drive away has dinner with them every Thursday evening and they cannot miss Sunday lunch with her and extended family unless notified at least a month beforehand!.We do feel unwanted at times but our 2 DGDS love us and are thrilled to see us .( only 6 and 8 atm) But we do wish things were still like pre Covid we were so close

No matter how much we try to be 'understanding' or 'take a back seat' or 'rise above' such stuff, the plain truth is that it bloody well hurts when you feel sidelined - particularly if there is little reason for it.

Can't offer any 'wise advice', but don't feel you have to 'get over it' and 'Gran-up'.

Sod it! Let the anger out, treat yourself to something very indulgent and perhaps ask them when you can bring YOUR ironing over.

.

This was us when our son was married. The dil's family always took priority over us. I understood at the time as they only lived across the road and were retired while hubby & I both worked full time, but also felt quite cross that our son didn't stand his ground. those grandchidlren are no 23, 21. 18 and 14 and lead they're own lives. We're close but accept that we know see them on their terms, even though we phone and text regularly. Our daughter & sil have 2 girls, 10 and 11 and both us and the other grandparents have had an equal share of them lol However they have a lot of after school/weekend activities so we have to fit in around those- We go to watch them playing footie/rugby/swimming, whatever we can. It's the way of the world I'm afraid and I'm deeply grateful for the time we've been able to have and any scraps we'll have in the future

I am a 76 year old with one son and two grandchildren. No husband, so on my own.
I have been through all this feeling sorry for myself and wanting more attention from the family.
So here’s the thing. Start a new chapter called ‘Your Own wonderful life!’
I go away for three months every winter, part working, part holiday.
I love my home, garden, go to the gym, have lots of friends and love my life.
Stop having expectations and don’t always be available to babysit etc.
You can’t change what they do, you can only change what you do!

I saw red because every six weeks my hairdresser, who has a really loving family, says to me, have you heard anything from your family. When it got to December, she said you know what, I bet you get an invited for Christmas but you can rot for the rest of the year and that is exactly what has happened.

I think it is my own fault as once my husband died, I overindulged her to try and compensate from losing her father. I was warned by a close friend but chose to ignore. She has always made me feel worthless most of her life but I just got on with it, giving more and more and as my father died just before my grandson was born, I was able to give them £20k and then a further £1k a month for their rent for over a year.

Sadly my daughter I dont think she is a deliberate liar but tends to think something and then it becomes a reality which in fact is a lie.

I feel very sad about my grandson and the friends who have known me for years think it is disgusting to not allow him to see me but to be honest, the last two years have been so stressful just sitting waiting for a message or a few crumbs thrown my way, it is a kind of relief.

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others." If it weren't so untrue and insulting really, it would be funny.

All you ‘used’ grandparents, just stop taking it! If you’re a doormat you get walked on.
Just do the things you want to do with the odd helping out moments.
Develop life with your friends, you’ll get more out of it.

I could have written this! I run myself silly for my children and grandchildren but never do I ever get asked out with them or for a meal etc. They would find it difficult to work without my help also but that's the way it is sadly.