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I am so incredibly hurt. For years my son lovingly teased me about becoming a grandparent and indicated he was eager to see me in that role. Then his wife became pregnant. We live 20 minutes away from one another, A week before baby's birth my husband and I were given the rules:
1.) We could not even see the baby for the first week as my son and his wife needed "time to bond" with the baby. My son used my husband and me as an example: no family saw him the first week after his birth. I pointed out that my family lived in another state and would be coming for his baptism 10 days later. It was too hard for them to come twice in less than two weeks. If they had lived in town, they would have seen him multiple times in the first week.
2.) No kissing baby - not even on the top of the head or on her toes. Hmm... If they wanted to use my experience as an excuse for their rules, as in rule number one, kissing by family members would not be denied. But my son chose to pick and choose my experiences with him as an excuse for their rules.
3.) No overnights. What the heck?? I never asked for overnights. I did mention I could get a free pack-n-play for baby to sleep in when they visit, but I was referring to napping or sleeping in if parents went out for a date and came home late to pick her up and she needed a spot to snooze.
After baby was born, my son and his wife, who had an emergency c-section, had two weeks of food delivery lined up from various people. The people were only allowed to drop off food to my son in the parking lot of their apartment building. I had no problem with people dropping off food, BUT if my son wanted to use my experience of first-time parenthood as justification for his rules, then no one would bring him food because no one brought us food after he was born. I also had an emergency c-section.
I brought my son and his wife a meal when my grandbaby was six days old. Because she was not yet a week old, I could not come up to the apartment. I was, though, "allowed" to "see" my first grandbaby from the balcony of the apartment building they live in and "wave" at her. I felt like I was going to a nursing care facility to wave to an ill super elderly person from a window outside during the pandemic. I hated it. It felt like waving a chocolate candy bar in front of a starving child and saying, "Look, but don't touch. Now, isn't that amazing?" I could not even see the baby. I didn't want to wave at the crown of an infant head. I wanted to "taste" my grandbaby's goodness by holding her and touching her. It was like salt in an open wound.
Finally, the day arrived when my husband and I could actually visit. When we arrived, baby was in the living room in her bassinet. We were not allowed to pick her up out of it. We had to sit on the couch and have her handed to us. She was bundled in a swaddle, and we could not see anything but her face. We were not allowed to touch her skin at all. When I went to pass baby to her Papa (my husband) sitting next to me, my son insisted that he be the one to pass the baby. I felt like I was being treated like a young child and not a grandmother who raised her own children.
When I later expressed how hurtful all this was, my son got upset with me saying that she is his and his wife's child and not mine and I do not get to make the rules. But that is all I was given: rule after rule after rule, and not anything I CAN do as a grandmother.
My grandbaby is now 4 months old, and I have held her an average of 10 minutes a month. I have never babysat her, played with her, read a book to her, sang a lullaby to her, given her a bottle, changed her diapers, pushed her in her stroller, or done anything grandmas do with grandbabies, especially kissed her.
What I have done is cried and cried and cried. I cannot understand why my son who was super affectionate towards me, even when he was in college, is now distancing himself from me and, more hurtful, keeping my grandbaby at an arms-length, saying this is how his generation operates. I am scared. Will it always be this way with her? Will I never have a true relationship with her? I literally feel like there is a knife piercing my heart.
In addition to keeping the baby at arms-length, it seems that rather than listening and learning from one another and across generations, my son and his wife are rejecting everything my generation believes about family, and acting as if my generation has nothing of value to offer the generations behind us because we are not as smart as they are: they can just go online and read stuff from people who are smarter than we are. Their baby must at all costs be protected from us. That is very hurtful. I don't understand it.
Please, I would love any insight and wisdom others can give me on this issue. I need to get my head on straight about this as the hurt is so deep. I just want to love on my grandbaby in real life - not by seeing pictures of her posted online.
Being made aware of allergies, best way to bring up a baby's wind and sleeping position (we are all aware I'm sure about not letting babies sleep on their tummies) is one thing.
Not being allowed to pick a baby up, but to have the baby passed to you and then not being able to pass the baby to the GD and touch the baby's skin as was the case with the OP, is ridiculous IMO and I agree with eazybee is disrespectful.
I will say it once more.
These rules are imposed by people in the first days of parenthood when they have absolutely no knowledge or experience on which to form their judgements.
Fortunately most new parents are grateful for helpful advice; whether they follow it or not is up to them, but the treatment some appear to mete out to their parents is disrespectful.
MercuryQueen Hear, hear!
eazybee
They are not talking about 'raising someone else's newborn'. They are talking about a short time spent meeting a new baby, beginning to form a relationship, and possibly looking after him for a short time, all with love.
Love doesn’t guarantee safety. I don’t think any of the grandparents here had babies during a pandemic. Some didn’t have car seats. During my motherhood, it went from ALWAYS put a baby to sleep on their tummy to NEVER put a baby to sleep on their tummy.
Rules change because we learn more and do better.
If you’re not willing to follow the parents rules, then have the courage of your convictions to say so, rather than be a liar and a sneak.
Mallin I don't quite understand the story here. I don't understand the cousins and subsequent children relationships with the first and second babies.
And are you saying you cut off a grandchild because you didn't get to hold them as a baby?
Eazybee
"No, not 'just because' but because they do have far more experience of child rearing than their 'new parents' adult children. What comes through these posts is how many grandparents are being treated as though they are idiots and incapable of even meeting a baby without a list of rules and prohibitions."
Just because a person actively raised children years or decades ago does not give them the right to pull rank over the people who procreated and gave birth to the child
That is why some grandparents and other intrusive meddlers need to know the rules of engagement- not because they are idiots or incapable, but because they are overstepping and unless the damage is mitigated and repaired, the relationship is in jeopardy
Boundaries are your friend, not your enemy
I was given full access to my 1st grandchild. I could pick up, change, feed and do what I liked. I was only with them a few days before returning to my home in another country. My 2 nd grandchild was born after its parents begged me to stay with them. After the baby’s birth her mother wouldn’t put the baby down and even the nurses said “Let Grandmother have a cuddle” but she wouldnt. After 2 days of just looking at her holding the baby and hearing the nurses tell her she should allow the baby to meet her Granny then put the baby’s down to sleep properly, well I left and returned to my home and to this day, have never had anything to do with this now adult child or it’s mother. Although two subsequent children came to visit with their cousins when they were older and we have a normal relationship ( both dislike their mothers possessive attitude towards them and moved out at 16 )
Now on great grandchildren, there’s only one I don’t have an easy going loving relationship with. And yes, it’s because her grandmother is so possessive
I get that, but for an example, DD2 was easy to burp, on your shoulder, rub her back a few times, a bit of sick and job done.
My son was a pain, he couldn't burp like that, you'd need to sit him on your lap with a straight back and quickly rub his whole back, otherwise he couldn't burp and wouldn't be happy until he did.
Imagine if I wrote that down with my other 'rules' for him and a grandparent didn't bother to read them because 'they have far more experience' than me or follow what I've asked. He'd of been in pain for an over inflated ego.
They are not talking about 'raising someone else's newborn'. They are talking about a short time spent meeting a new baby, beginning to form a relationship, and possibly looking after him for a short time, all with love.
They have experience of rasing their own specific child, every child is different. How many years ago?
They don't have experience of raising someone else's newborn in this day and age, nevermind thinking they know better than the child's actual parents. Talk about an ego.
No, not 'just because' but because they do have far more experience of child rearing than their 'new parents' adult children. What comes through these posts is how many grandparents are being treated as though they are idiots and incapable of even meeting a baby without a list of rules and prohibitions.
And that's why some new parents set out wants and request for their newborn because some grandparents think they know better because they raised a child once, 30 years ago.
New parents are following up to date guidelines and what qualified professionals are advising now as well as doing what just feels right to them as a parents.
And why some grandparents never have them overnight or are never asked to babysit.
It doesn't matter what rules were those, eazybee
It is the disrepect for the parents of the baby that counts - that are adults, btw
Which is ironic because it is a different generation demanding "respect" just because - and not reciprocating
Which is why I have asked what the rules were and which rules were ignored.
Actually @eazybee sometimes the grandparents DO harm the child by thinking they know better. My MIL decided she was going to start feeding my 7 month old daughter chocolate despite being told she had an immature digestive system and we had to be careful with what foods we were introducing because of constipation. I caught her once and, after speaking to the doctor, told her not to give our daughter chocolate because, aside from being FAR too young to be eating chocolate (the caffeine levels in chocolate are too high for small children) the processed sugars were making her constipation and suffering worse. She had to be told 4 times and her actions caused LO to have anal fissures, she was in agony. All because she thought 'Nana knows better'
This is the same woman who suggested I put a raw egg in baby's bottle when she was a few weeks old because she was a 'hungry' baby ... obviously salmonella wasn't a thing when she was raising her babies.
Grandparents who take it upon themselves to make decisions re children who are NOT THEIRS, and even worse, lie about following rules like @GrammaTaylor has suggested are nothing more than entitled and selfish.
The reality is, it does not harm the child in any way to follow parent rules so it's not difficult to do. To ignore the rules and do what a grandparent wants to do is just fulfilling some pre-conceived grandparent 'fantasy' of how the grandparent wants things to be and doesn't benefit the baby in any way. These will be the same grandparents on here moaning when they get caught out or confronted and their adult child and their nuclear family go 'no contact' with them.
It's not about the grandparent's desires, it's about the baby.
I'm really sad to read this .
But it's their baby and therefore their rules .
My children also have rules and regulations as regarding their children :
Only a pure diet is allowed even if they don't eat it and scream with hunger and don't sleep through the night .
Either no TV at all or very limited TV of approved programmes .
A rigid and totally inflexible timetable of mealtimes and naps .
No boundaries at all even if the house is destroyed and they are in danger , because reprimanding them upsets and disturbs them .
Looking after my demanding , bedridden , incontinent , dementia stricken father has been easier .
Dry your tears and do something , which gives you enjoyment and let them get on with it !
Skye17 I was brought home-cooked freezer meals in the run-up to the birth too and do this now for families expecting new babies.
I also make sure (if there's a sibling) that I spend time with the sibling first and usually take a small "big sister" or "big brother" gift and something for the "mum" but not (yet) for the baby. I choose something that will survive such as a jewelry box or treasure chest for the older sibling.
I know my biggest fear on the birth of my second child was the feelings of my first born. I was SO lucky to have the friends I did.
I have done this as a grandmother and can only say the birth of my son's first baby definitely brought me closer to my daughter-in-law. I never held the baby unless offered, but just did housework and cooked.
I was thanked (years later) for being hands-off. She had really struggled with her own parents.
I think I learned a lot about gentle (and empoering) support from my lovely American friends.
How lovely, Not Spaghetti. I shall try to be like that too.
I would so much like to know what rules were given to Gramma Taylor, and which rules were ignored.
Your secret is safe with me!
Juliet27 all my "best" visitors were like this.
It was especially noticeable after my second baby in America where all my friends seemed to bring food and looked after me and my 3 year old rather than the baby.
It was a perfect birth, and perfect postpartum - relaxing and full of joy.
I try to be like them now.
(Thank you dear Annie, Nancy and Susan. Your love really shone through ❤️).
Forever grateful.
Their baby, their rules. Just stay supportive and calm about what they have decided and wait for them to relax into their new lives as parents. Tough call, I know but adding pressure on them could backfire. 🌈
👏👏👏
You do not have to agree with the rules to respect them.
eazybee
The point is that these people are parents, children and grandchildren, just about the closest relationship you can get, not teenagers employed for a few hours child-minding,
If you feel your parents can't cope without a lengthy list of instructions and a training session then you really should not be leaving your offspring with them. If you are leaving children in their care then you have to trust their judgement and accept their decisions.
It is the adult children who are patronising and disrespectful.
It might not be a close relationship for long if someone is caught out lying and deceiving in this way.
If a grandparent gave their adult child a straight choice: either let me do it my way or I don’t babysit, that would be one thing. But to pretend you will do it the parents’ way and then suit yourself is quite another thing.
That is dishonest and disrespectful, whereas asking your parents to do things differently is not. Sometimes there is a good reason things have changed. It’s not patronising to anyone to follow new research evidence, for example.
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