I feel a lot of this is showing severe distrust of parents (the grandparents). What on earth did our generation do to create these adults who impose rules on their own parents. I’m happy that early bonding and a period of quiet is fair and right, and I agree the kissing thing is a no no, but all the rest is just awful and controlling. If I imposed the same rules in relation to all the free childcare I give, then life would be so hard for my grown children and their small people. Setting rules around what I would do for them and when would be considered mean. A grandparent’s love is freely given.
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Grandparenting
Need Wisdom Regarding Time with Grandbaby
(172 Posts)I am so incredibly hurt. For years my son lovingly teased me about becoming a grandparent and indicated he was eager to see me in that role. Then his wife became pregnant. We live 20 minutes away from one another, A week before baby's birth my husband and I were given the rules:
1.) We could not even see the baby for the first week as my son and his wife needed "time to bond" with the baby. My son used my husband and me as an example: no family saw him the first week after his birth. I pointed out that my family lived in another state and would be coming for his baptism 10 days later. It was too hard for them to come twice in less than two weeks. If they had lived in town, they would have seen him multiple times in the first week.
2.) No kissing baby - not even on the top of the head or on her toes. Hmm... If they wanted to use my experience as an excuse for their rules, as in rule number one, kissing by family members would not be denied. But my son chose to pick and choose my experiences with him as an excuse for their rules.
3.) No overnights. What the heck?? I never asked for overnights. I did mention I could get a free pack-n-play for baby to sleep in when they visit, but I was referring to napping or sleeping in if parents went out for a date and came home late to pick her up and she needed a spot to snooze.
After baby was born, my son and his wife, who had an emergency c-section, had two weeks of food delivery lined up from various people. The people were only allowed to drop off food to my son in the parking lot of their apartment building. I had no problem with people dropping off food, BUT if my son wanted to use my experience of first-time parenthood as justification for his rules, then no one would bring him food because no one brought us food after he was born. I also had an emergency c-section.
I brought my son and his wife a meal when my grandbaby was six days old. Because she was not yet a week old, I could not come up to the apartment. I was, though, "allowed" to "see" my first grandbaby from the balcony of the apartment building they live in and "wave" at her. I felt like I was going to a nursing care facility to wave to an ill super elderly person from a window outside during the pandemic. I hated it. It felt like waving a chocolate candy bar in front of a starving child and saying, "Look, but don't touch. Now, isn't that amazing?" I could not even see the baby. I didn't want to wave at the crown of an infant head. I wanted to "taste" my grandbaby's goodness by holding her and touching her. It was like salt in an open wound.
Finally, the day arrived when my husband and I could actually visit. When we arrived, baby was in the living room in her bassinet. We were not allowed to pick her up out of it. We had to sit on the couch and have her handed to us. She was bundled in a swaddle, and we could not see anything but her face. We were not allowed to touch her skin at all. When I went to pass baby to her Papa (my husband) sitting next to me, my son insisted that he be the one to pass the baby. I felt like I was being treated like a young child and not a grandmother who raised her own children.
When I later expressed how hurtful all this was, my son got upset with me saying that she is his and his wife's child and not mine and I do not get to make the rules. But that is all I was given: rule after rule after rule, and not anything I CAN do as a grandmother.
My grandbaby is now 4 months old, and I have held her an average of 10 minutes a month. I have never babysat her, played with her, read a book to her, sang a lullaby to her, given her a bottle, changed her diapers, pushed her in her stroller, or done anything grandmas do with grandbabies, especially kissed her.
What I have done is cried and cried and cried. I cannot understand why my son who was super affectionate towards me, even when he was in college, is now distancing himself from me and, more hurtful, keeping my grandbaby at an arms-length, saying this is how his generation operates. I am scared. Will it always be this way with her? Will I never have a true relationship with her? I literally feel like there is a knife piercing my heart.
In addition to keeping the baby at arms-length, it seems that rather than listening and learning from one another and across generations, my son and his wife are rejecting everything my generation believes about family, and acting as if my generation has nothing of value to offer the generations behind us because we are not as smart as they are: they can just go online and read stuff from people who are smarter than we are. Their baby must at all costs be protected from us. That is very hurtful. I don't understand it.
Please, I would love any insight and wisdom others can give me on this issue. I need to get my head on straight about this as the hurt is so deep. I just want to love on my grandbaby in real life - not by seeing pictures of her posted online.
I have to say that I have never read such nonsense as this OP. Babies sleep most of the time, feed and pooh or wee and that's about it isn't it?
I should mention that I am child free so it's not a problem that I have, although I do have nieces and nephews plus their children. the time to worry I would have thought is when the child is a toddler if you aren't allowed much contact.
It can be such a disappointment when we imagine in advance how things are going to be - and then they aren't.
OP you clearly had your own idea of what grandmotherhood would entail but from my perspective it was quite unrealistic.
The new parents will do things their way and if they seem inflexible to you, perhaps they had an inkling (or forewarning) of your expectations.
Step back, chill, however well-intentioned it may be you are coming across as very demanding in what you expect from being a gran.
You say you "cried and cried" - this is completely disproportiate, so for your own sake take a back seat for now, wait or them to approach you , be prepared to offer help but on their terms
Finally, a good relationship with our grandchildren does not depend on weekly visits or sleepovers or changing nappies but on how you love them and show your love. And in this case, at this time, that is by putting yourself second and third.
My mother in law once told me that when you have your first baby you feel that you are the first person to ever have a baby! I do think that’s only too true. Given time everyone relaxes a bit. My advice is to give them time, one day they will be so grateful for your help.
All the activities you mention - read to her, stroller, hold her.... are for your benefit, not for the baby's
The parents are going to do what's best for their child, fulfill his/her needs, not anybody's wants.
I am afraid you also confused having a good relationship with the parents before baby with having the grandmother time, cuddles, activities you thought you were going to have by default
The fact that they gave you a list of rules may indicate they expected wrinkles in the future
Asking you to wait just 7 days to meet the baby in person (some parents ask for 2 to 3 weeks) and you complained speaks volumes.
Once again, she is only 4 months old! You are risking missing valuable time with her in the future if the parents feel you do not respect them
All you can do is hope that their rules soften with time GiGi as there's nothing else you can do.
I'm so pleased that we didn't treat our boys GP's this way and take the joy out of them being GP's 
.
It seems to me that it is one of those situations where you have really looked forward to it with expectations of how things will be and then something negative has happened to spoil it and the disappointment is far more profound because of your excitement. It is a bit like someone suddenly dousing you in ice cold water and the shock leaves you gasping.
However, you are far from being alone and this seems to be something that is now more normal for parents of this era. We brought up our children to be assertive and gave them a voice but when they use it, we are shocked and hurt. Don't be, you've obviously done a good job.
Your best path is to accept their rules gracefully, carry on praising their parenting and don't offer advice. Revel in the time you do have with your grandaughter. If you do this, the chances are that in time, things will change so that your expectations are more likely to be met.
There's no reason for you not to have a close, loving relationship to your son if you give him the space to allow that. I am particularly close to one of my sons but he has been quite open in that my position in his life takes a step back as he gets people in his life who he has a responsibility and allegiance to. When he married, I became the second most important person in his life, and the third on the birth of his son. Instead of being sad, I was proud that I had brought up a son who had his priorities right. I think you should be proud of your son too. It's hard to cry when you're admiring your work!
I think there is a bit of pressure on grandparents too these days to be very involved with grandchildren, dare I say, on sites like this? It’s easy to be made, however unintentionally, to feel inadequate if you’re not a massive influence in the child’s life. Like others, I fail to see the big deal about changing nappies and giving bottles. It’s also best to remember that it will be a long time before the baby ‘interacts’, and that’s when your input will amuse her. At present it’s all about what you want ( sorry if that sounds harsh).
I’d say just bide your time, keep baby’s parents onside,and enjoy your own life, you’ll have plenty time with your grandchild when she’s a wee bit older, as long as you’ve followed the rules!
GiGi’s later comments show she has taken all this on board. Please re-read.
This set of rules seems to be the new way. The rules are all the same. I bet they are more relaxed when second and third babies arrive! Personally I hadn’t a clue when my first was born and accepted all help on offer. The grandparents lived at a distance and were not pushy.
I get that it is an emotional time for the new parents. Of course grandparents want to see the new baby but some GPS seem to want to be overinvested in them.
It will sort itself out.
Well I think it’s bonkers and something that is on the rise, unfortunately. I know that ‘bonding’ is used as an excuse for the early days, but I don’t think bonding requires 24/7 exclusivity. Adjustment to parenthood, maybe, and if parents are tired and mum is healing, fair enough but why not just say so instead of constructing rules and barriers. Allowing a grandparent to look at the top of a baby’s head up on a balcony is just cruel.
We have no choice other than to keep our mouths firmly zipped and hope our children see sense and realise that families are good for children as they get older, and might also give them, as parents, a bit of help now and again. Of course there are exceptions, and family members who should be kept away from children at all costs, but this is not the norm.
As others have indicated, grandparent and grandchild relationships are special, and will develop in their own way irrespective of how much contact takes place in these very early days. It is important to keep the peace now and look forward to all the times to come.
Go with the flow GiGi. Nothing you can say to change things at the moment.
When my granddaughter was born my daughter and SIL had previously come up with lots of rules the grandparents had to abide by. They wanted to live in a bubble just the three of them to enjoy the baby, we could visit the first week to look not touch then they wanted to be left alone.
They very much got what they wanted as GD born at start of pandemic in 2020, it was terrible for them. My daughter was alone during most of her labour in hospital hardly seen by midwife then had to have an emergency caesarean the Doctor dropped his visor in her cut so she had to have strong antibiotics to avoid sepsis.
At home they saw no one for months not even a health visitor, we saw our GD at 3 weeks through a window (the day of one of Boris parties). In the end I had to go into her bubble to help her cope but her poor Mother in Law didn’t really get to see GD for months.
She admits the toll on her mental health was terrible and struggled to enjoy her baby, the second baby is due soon and she couldn’t be more different. She doesn’t want to be left alone and wants more help. Her sister in law is getting married a few weeks after the birth and she is Maid of Honour- guess who is looking after the new baby!!
I am sorry the you have felt so let down and upset by all this. I have 7 grandchildren so hope that I can offer a bit of a hand.
Firstly I do think that telling your son you did not like the rules they had set for the first week was probably a mistake to be honest, and I suspect that some of the further problems might have flowed from this. Basically you were saying that you did not agree with their rules and mustering arguments to justify this.
The rules they set are not uncommon now. Young parents are very protective of their babies, especially after covid. If you had felt able to tell them you understood and would totally respect their wishes I do think things might have gone better. They now have the idea in their heads that you will not respect their wishes, especially as you went round after 6 days, so they are playing hardball .. racking up the restrictions as they do not trust you to stick by their rules.
It might help to talk to them ... to apologise for arguing about the rules for the first week and absolutely reassuring them that you respect their rules for their child. You do not have to agree with their rules but you do have to not say so!!!
You are playing the long game here which might involve biting the tongue .... a talent we grandparents develop quite quickly!
Patching this up will not happen quickly ... state your apology and future respect for their rules and hope that this will reassure them.
Good luck!
GiGi
This is good:
that after initially expressing disappointment, I have been only positive and encouraging to them
I know this is extreme to some people but it isn't as new as some people think. I think in time things will settle and a healthy compromise will pertain. You may never change a nappy but you will probably get to push a pram...
I had my 1st over 40 years ago and never (willingly) passed my baby to others to hold, didn't even want a pushchair/pram as I carried my babies in a sling, would never have left any of them at 4 months and nobody but my husband and I changed nappies/diapers. I didn't want anyone to kiss my babies (even on the top of their heads) though put up with my parents doing so once they were a couple of months old as I know how hurt they would have been no to. Also, nobody else fed them as I was breastfeeding.
In those days we were more easily pressured into being what others wanted us to be. I had a very strong and protective husband who agreed with me about how we were around our babies relationships with others. I think you should be proud that your son has stepped up to being a strong dad and advocate for his wife and child.
Continue to be respectful and all things will be fine in due course.
My parents were deeply loved by our five children. They all jumped for joy when we saw them! And so did my mother and father actually - the feelings were mutual.
You will be a great great "GiGi" to your little grandchild - just continue to love and respect your son and his wife. Keep a positive and healthy relationship with them and nothing will go wrong.
Sorry that was a reply to karmalady.
I think so. There’s a lot of ‘I want’ in OP’s posts and she sees the baby very frequently, unlike so many of us. Why anyone would want (as opposed to need) to change nappies I don’t know. She comes over as very possessive and needy and this won’t help the relationship with the parents or the grandchild. It’s the parents’ time with their first baby, a strange new world for them, and she should respect that and remember this is not her baby. It’s theirs.
You may be right Eazybee certainly fashions in child rearing change with the wind
I have 4 DC and 7 DGC. All my DC are parents. It is probably true that DDs are closer than the others but they are the youngest. I have a very good relationship with the boy's DC now that they are older though I didn't do much nappy changing with them. thankfully
My oldest DGC is even thinking of living with me while she's at uni to save money on rent!
I get to go to school concerts too.
Their baby and their rules and they are common sense tbh.
The whole situation is ridiculous; the new parents and their rules, and your over-reaction to them.
Their child their rules, however daft; you do see your grandchild but on their terms, which you have to abide by; complaining and weeping is more likely to provoke irritation, possibly hostility. So just smilingly agree and relish the opportunities you do have, and lower your expectations of grandchild involvement.
My opinion , based on nothing but my own observation, is that these rules and restrictions surrounding a newborn child have developed since the focus on paternal involvement, interpreted by the father as taking charge to protect his wife from harmful influences from people who have actually experienced child-rearing, and only want to help. Nothing personal, I am sadly not a grandparent; most of my contemporaries escaped these stupid prohibitions, but they do seem to be on the rise in young parents now.
I really feel for you and find these harsh “their baby, their rules” responses to be unkind. This is your family, you are not some stranger, you share DNA. I am so lucky to have the most wonderful relationship with my GC, they are my daughter’s children so maybe that’s why. Their maternal GPSs don’t bother with them much, but spend a lot of time with “their” grandchildren (their daughter’s children). I think the world has gone mad, can’t even help with changing a nappy! How ridiculous. I’m so sorry you are being subjected to this utter nonsense (except kissing, there are good reasons for that).
Extreme is not the word I'd use to describe their behaviour - more like psychotic.
What is wrong with them?
No wonder you're hurt, but try not to take it personally. It really sounds as though they have a bit of a mental health problem. If they don't learn to relax, then heaven help that poor child when she grows older, or the parents when it all backfires.
It all does seem rather extreme LovingGiGi but not unusual from what I have read and heard. I think Covid has made people overly anxious and new parents are struggling to do what they think is best for their child.
The baby is only four months old so plenty of time to get to know them, lower your expectations and support your family where you can. Hopefully the parents will relax more as the child grows up.
@lovinggigi you say “time you will never get back” in regard to your desire to spend more time doing things with and being with “your grandbaby”. Does it not occur to you that it’s slow time they will never get back? With their child? Of course you love your granddaughter , but it is their child. Are some of their rules a little rigid ? Perhaps but it’s really not our call. Feeding their baby, changing , walks
In strollers are all things for babies parents. Four months ? You’re upset you’ve not been asked to babysit at four months ? Parents these days don’t drop their babies off at those ages and good for them. You have. A lifetime to build a relationship with your grandchildren but right now, she’s an infant with two loving parents , by your own admission , and that’s all
She needs
@Hither, my son made no promise in college. We just had a close relationship. I was trying to explain that between how close we have been and his more recent indication that he thought I would be a good grandma, I was taken by surprise at how little they allow me to interact with my grandbaby now that she is here. I even had a good relationship with my d-i-l. I do not want an enmeshed relationship. They are adults and parents. But neither do I want a distant relationship and little time with my grandchildren. I want a close relationship with my family, but one in which each person is independent and allowed our own lives and have ways of doing things. But it is hurtful that at this time their way of doing things is relational distance. I suppose maybe they are just trying to figure out who they are as parents, but waiting for them to relax means having little time with my granddaughter while she is a baby - time I will never get back. 2-3 hours together every 1-2 weeks and giving me the opportunity to interact more (not take over) with my granddaughter during that time, and then actually calling or messaging me when she does something funny, new, or extra sweet rather than me having to find it out about it on social media, would be enough for me. Relationships are developed and strengthened by interactions. I am hurt that we do not have much interaction right now.
To those saying I must abide by their rule, I agree. I have no intention of taking over. I want to be Gigi - not Mommy. I just want time and interaction with grandbaby. I would be delighted to have my son and his wife present. I love them too. I know that their roles have changed and so have ours with the addition of baby, but prior to her birth we had game nights filled with laughter, food, and fun. I miss my relationship with them and want a relationship with her. I miss game nights, but do not expect those right now as they have to stick to a baby's schedule. I just want time with time with baby and I want to interact with her. I want to be Gigi.
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