Am I the asshole? 😣

Hithere

Yes, you are

Your health condition has nothing to do with this - do not use it to further your agenda

Crikey that's bloody mean when someone is feeling a bit vulnerable!

To put it simply - yes you are.

I agree with Nansnet. The OPs illness does have a lot to do with how she is reacting to a new life in her family. Chemo is harsh on the body and she is obviously not at her best so can make unwise decisions.
She does need to take a few steps back and see the baby when the parents are ready and abide by their rules.
I do feel her son should be a bit more understanding. She is going through a very traumatic time and harsh words are unkind.

MadeinYorkshire

I was being polite and diplomatic pointing the obvious, not mean at all.

I don't think the OP has been back to tell us if she's an a**h or not!
It's an odd attitude IMO.
When did grandparents appear in the delivery room?
In my day we had nurses and midwives, occasionally doctors and often Matron.
You had to ask permission for the husband/father to be allowed to be there.

Sorry this poor lady is unwell and I hope she has a chance to cuddle her DGC.

Ok, from reading all the comments, i will probably be very unpopular with you all, as I'm totally with you on this pampas, i think most of theses comments are quite harsh, you are naturally excited about your new grandchild, and you feel pushed out, that is natural and i can relate because I've been there too. Your son could be kinder and mire considerate towards you, he is only seeing things from his point of view, not even considering your feelings. He will soon want you when babysitting is needed, then its totally up to you how you respond. Sorry to hear of your health issues, best wishes to you x

Sorry about your health issues. Glad that the treatment is working. You have enough to cope with, without having to worry about your son and d.i.l. I have a constantly stressed out daughter and I’m always treading on eggshells. I love her to bits but my word, she can be difficult 😫
Btw I think the poster is American, the way she spells the ‘title’

I know I sound harsh but can’t understand why so many parents , grandparents complain about the way their offspring act ?? Don’t forget you brought them up .

Crazygran

I know I sound harsh but can’t understand why so many parents , grandparents complain about the way their offspring act ?? Don’t forget you brought them up .

It is naive to think that only "nurture" impacts on behaviours!!

It’s natural you want to see your grandchild we all do but it’s not your child it’s their child so it’s up to them who or what they do with baby. I’ve 5 grandchildren and I’ve never put a photo online without asking parents first. I’m the mum of sons I didn’t see my last grandchild born for 6 months because we were in lockdown baby won’t remember when you first saw it. Daughters always go to their mothers first didn’t you. Your son is in a new world give him a chance. It should be about them not you. I definitely wouldn’t let any animal near a baby full stop when my oldest was a baby my parents were babysitting him and put him in the garden in his pram a cat jumped on his pram and lay on his face. My mum only nipped in the house to answer the door she never left him again after that.

As the mother of the child’s father you will always be number TWO grandmother. Mother’s mother is always number ONE. Get over it and grow up!

doctor told me not to be near minors of any kind the week or more after treatment especial if vomiting

dotpocka

doctor told me not to be near minors of any kind the week or more after treatment especial if vomiting

???

Chemo treatment? That can cause vomiting.

Hithere

MadeinYorkshire

I was being polite and diplomatic pointing the obvious, not mean at all.

You were not being polite, you were being blunt,mean and rude. This woman is upset there was a better way if putting this.

Pampas, congratulations on having a grandchild.

I think most of the answers to your post are grossly unfeeling, and I do hope you are not dreadfully hurt by them, but I am afraid you must be.

That said: this is the way new parents behave these days, if you go by all the many posts on gransnet from paternal grandmothers!

If you are feeling that your son is being unbearably unkind and behaving badly towards you, I can only agree with you.

However, you need to try and view this without letting your hurt feelings cloud your judgement.

LEAST SAID - SOONEST MENDED

Anything you say will be taken amiss and you might just find yourself banned from your son's home, so put up with all his silly rules.

As like as not, in three months time he will have adjusted to being a father and be willing to accept all the help he can get!

I am very sorry to hear of your serious health issue - please do remember that chemo is extremely harsh on your body and on your feelings, so is the nagging doubt that you might not live long enough to see this child grow up. Shove that nasty thought as far into the back of your mind as you can, or preferably right out of it.

Your doctors say you are doing well, and they should know.

A quite different point is that you should not run unnecessary risks of contracting any infections at all, as long as you are having chemo, or recovering from it. So visiting anywhere at this time of the year when coughs, colds flu etc. are going the rounds is probably unwise.

Give yourself time to get through chemo and recovery from it, and let your DIL tackle her husband if she too thinks he is being unreasonable.

As to the dog and cat issue - some people regard cats as cleaner than dogs, but honestly neither should be around a young baby. Leave your dog at home, when you go to visit your son and his family, and put dog in a different room to them, when they come to you. That solves that problem at least.

I hope this all sorts itself out, and that you are soon feeling better and able to shrug and say, "well, I always knew my son works himself into states at the least little thing, and having a first baby is not a little thing. I'll just let him get over it in his own good time"

Annanan

As the mother of the child’s father you will always be number TWO grandmother. Mother’s mother is always number ONE. Get over it and grow up!

That's your opinion is it. This is not my experience. I have never been treated differently.
Your opinion is not fact, and telling someone to grow up is rude.

Hithere

MadeinYorkshire

I was being polite and diplomatic pointing the obvious, not mean at all.

Hithere, what you said did sound blunt and rude to me too.

I am not naturally tactful myself, but there are ways to soften statements like this one. E g, the OP did ask ‘Am I the asshole?’ but someone could say, ‘I know you are not feeling well and are concerned about how long you have left, but I think your son is not being unreasonable, except that he does not need to talk to you in a patronising and derogatory way.’

Your feelings are understandable,your excited about the only nice thing that is going on for you at present,very sorry to hear about your health.But when families have their first child they are very sensitive to outside germs etc.,they are sleep deprived
& will be 100% focused on their child,stand back,think of the nicest thing that would help them in the future,gift basket of food or whatever & wait until they are ready to have visitors.
Some people are just born with sharp personalities,we have all met them,try to focus on your own health & treat yourself well,if you wait it will all work out,good luck.

Pampas70 Take care of yourself first, health wise. Let the dust settle down at first baby’s home. In time they will open the door to you.

As far as wondering if you are or aren’t - I’m surprised you used that “headline.” It’s not very becoming, maybe you were having a downer of a day? Don’t think of yourself that way. If you keep using that word, it might make people think differently.

Good luck with your cancer treatments. I had cancer too… seven years ago.

In our society it's normal for the grandparents to step back when the parents have new baby unless there is a problem the grand parent can help with. Obviously they don't need you at present.

PS, nobody should chide you for your use of English. You make yourself perfectly clear and that is okay. The very word 'okay ' is American in origin.

I am so sorry you have stage four cancer. I can understand you want to make the most of every day now and especially with a new little life coming into the world and into your family. Of course you want to see your grandchild as much as you can. Now. Enjoy her now. Not wait for some later time which may not come. Your son is not showing you the care and understanding you need at this time. Perhaps he can't cope with your illness and is in denial about it. A lot of people find it hard to cope when someone close to them becomes seriously ill. Having said that, he has a lot on his plate at the moment. Best thing is for you is to go along with their rules, calmly and pleasantly. Try to self soothe and not get too upset. Things will probably ease up as everyone gets more used to the baby being here.

MadeInYorkshire

Hithere
Yes, you are

Your health condition has nothing to do with this - do not use it to further your agenda
Crikey that's bloody mean when someone is feeling a bit vulnerable!

Par for the course with this particular poster. Can always be relied upon to make a nasty comment especially to a MIL.

Your son is patronising and derogatory but you love him That's fine and you can tolerate his little foibles especially as you are his mum and he loves you. Your worries exist because you are tired , and anxious about losing your status in the family. Don't be troubled. All is well