Granddaughter is so rude

NannySue45

My daughter asked me to look after granddaughter when she was working. My granddaughter said in no uncertain terms that she was NOT coming to my house but staying home on her own. I tried to explain that she didn't decide .... so we fell out. She then called my daughter .... who said let her do what she wants 😬😬
I find this hard to accept .. and I was also disappointed that my daughter didn't support me .... when she'd asked me to help her out in the first place!!! Needless to say, I was overruled and my granddaughter was allowed to stay home on her own.

To be honest this sounds like a silly spat on all sides and I couldn't really get worked up about it. Surely most 11 year olds are capable of being home a while on their own?

It sounds like this girl is fed up with the adults making demands and decisions that impact severely on her life (divorce, new boyfriend) and she is trying to exert a little control over her life while dealing with puberty. You were the final straw and her mum (quite wisely) thought it best to allow her some space whereas you doubled down with the "do as I say approach".

Nanny Sue you are right, do hope things settle down with your gd, it’s hard I know.

Your grandaughter didn’t want to come to your house for whatever reason so you had a difference of opinion ….is that what you consider rude I thought at least she’d called you a bad name or something ?? that's not rude it’s an 11 year old trying to be independent Just about the right age for that to happen
The mother obviously thought her competent enough to be left so really your disagreement should be with the mother not the granddaughter
Did you feel rejected ?
How many Dads has the child had in her 11 years ?

NannySue45

As much as it is hard for children to accept their parents new partners .... it is also hard for parents to accept their adult children's new partners...... especially when relationships don't last long

Surely it would be harder on the child though? They are having the daily upheaval?

Your poor granddaughter sounds like she’s going through a lot!

Not sure why this thread has now become about child abuse ..... that is not the issue ..... I was only talking about rudeness from children

silverlining - it’s truly awful to watch children give evidence, be cross examined, sometimes by multiple barristers if there are multiple offenders, only for the offender to be found not guilty. There has to be corroborative evidence, in its absence NG likely. Yes that’s terrible but it’s one reason persuading an offender to plead is what happens
Our criminal justice system is in a mess

HousePlantQueen ..... I can relate to your comment - thank you!

As much as it is hard for children to accept their parents new partners .... it is also hard for parents to accept their adult children's new partners...... especially when relationships don't last long

My daughter asked me to look after granddaughter when she was working. My granddaughter said in no uncertain terms that she was NOT coming to my house but staying home on her own. I tried to explain that she didn't decide .... so we fell out. She then called my daughter .... who said let her do what she wants 😬😬
I find this hard to accept .. and I was also disappointed that my daughter didn't support me .... when she'd asked me to help her out in the first place!!! Needless to say, I was overruled and my granddaughter was allowed to stay home on her own.

😲
I don't really think silverlining deserved that response, flappergirl!

silverlining48

Imagine rudeness is verbal, cheeky, general attitude, the usual,
What else would it be? We don’t need detail? We surely all know what Rudeness is.

Yes, and you're a perfect example.

Why the sledgehammer comment? I asked a perfectly reasonable question and have been sympathetic to the OP. If the OP didn't want to share detail or more context then she is unlikely to receive considered replies.

This child is desperately looking for someone close to her who will always love her no matter what she does, the role usually played by a parent.

She is probably behaving like this to see whether her grandmother's love for her is unconditional even if she is rude.

Stick with her OP!

Callistemon21

NotSpaghetti

Is she rude when it's just the two of you?
Or is she doing it for her mum?

Attention-seeking. Very possible.

When I say attention-seeking I do not mean that in a negative way. She sounds as if she is testing you to make sure you still love her despite her rudeness.

This child does sound as if she needs some love and attention.
You can dislike her rudeness but still love her and care about her welfare. It sounds as if she needs someone on her side.

On another thread (post office scandal ) there is debate snout people being threatened to plead guilty or else.....
There is another side to this and the brother and sister, 8 and 11 mentioned above who both endured serious ongoing sexual abuse by their mothers boyfriend who had to endure embarrassing intimate examinations as well as having to tell police, psychologists, social workers what had happened. In Detail. No one doubted the veracity of the abuse,
I was with them in court. The charges were very serious, a long prison term was expected. To my shock in order to get the defendant to plead guilty solicitors on both sides got together in a side Room and somehow between themselves reduced the charges to something lesser,
We had no warning of this and the children were distressed and traumatised after all they had been through. I was horrified he got away with what he had done.
This was many years ago but I have never forgotten them snd still feel justice was not done that day.

To get the best response/result from that age group, I treat them respectfully as people with their own rights and needs and who should have a say in their own lives.

Many make the mistake of holding children to higher standards than they expect from other adults.

Children have the same level of stress and can be suffering from the same mental health issues as adults but they do not have the emotional maturity yet to deal with it.

They need good examples from the adults around them

Poor child. You are the constant in her life so that is probably why she is lashing out at you in this way. Just quietly ask her not to speak to you like that when she says something hurtful or rude, then move on. Spend time with her on her own, she needs to be the focus of someone's attention for the right reasons, not because she is being told off. At the risk of criticism, I do get exasperated by parents moving new partners in and expecting their children to just accept it. Going through puberty, feeling awkward about your body, about periods, is bad enough without a 'strange' man in the house.

A cry for help from a confused young girl who, presumably, also lacks siblings, She must be feeling alone and deserted, even her mother prefers, her various (successive) boyfriends to her daughter.

My reaction would be to love her and cuddle her whenever she is rude, assure her you will always be there for her and love her, then tell her gently that what she said/did was rude and she really shouldn't do it again, but make no threats about what will happen if she does.

In what way is she rude?

silverlining48

This is a general comment not related to this thread.
In my years working in child protection there were times when new boyfriends of mothers were abusing young daughters snd once a young son too,
Perhaps something worth keeping in mind.

Yes, just be aware.

I would really try to listen to what is under her rudeness ...... good advice pascal and while doing that NannySue you can address the fact that she was rude.

She's very likely fearfulof losing her mum as well as her dad and is taking it out on someone she trusts will continue to love her.. I would really try to listen to what is under her rudeness and reassure her that she will always be loved by you and her parents.. it's a tough age and she has many other things to worry about as well with the state of the world. She sounds like she is just desperate for some stability in her life.

eazybee we have no idea what she has said to her nan as nannysue hasn’t told us so how do you know ?

However, she should not be speaking to you like that and you must NOT tolerate it like what ???

This is a general comment not related to this thread.
In my years working in child protection there were times when new boyfriends of mothers were abusing young daughters snd once a young son too,
Perhaps something worth keeping in mind.

I agree with those who say a new relationship can have a massive negative effect on kids. Many turn in on themselves, lock themselves away and don’t share their feelings because they feel disloyal to their parent.

My niece has a teenager who is rude, moody and now self harming on a regular basis. She no longer goes to school. Poor kid has known several partners since her parents split. Each one is supposed to be “the one” but they never work out. My husband and I can’t understand why the niece can’t just give up on men for a few years and concentrate on her kids but of course, it’s not our place to say anything.

I am sure there is a raft of explanations for your granddaughter's rudeness. There always is.
However, she should not be speaking to you like that and you must NOT tolerate it.
Make it clear immediately it is not acceptable:
'I am sorry?' What did you just say? Are you speaking to me? with an appropriate tone of voice and facial expression.