Granddaughter is so rude

Norah doesn't that make life so much simpler lol

NannySue45

As much as it is hard for children to accept their parents new partners .... it is also hard for parents to accept their adult children's new partners...... especially when relationships don't last long

Parents accepting their AC new partners should really not be the issue. Minding one's own business is appropriate.

My husband told me in no uncertain terms to mind my own business when I questioned him regarding new partner of (1) our daughter and (2) my sibling. Brilliant advice - truly none of my business.

NannySue45

My daughter asked me to look after granddaughter when she was working. My granddaughter said in no uncertain terms that she was NOT coming to my house but staying home on her own. I tried to explain that she didn't decide .... so we fell out. She then called my daughter .... who said let her do what she wants 😬😬
I find this hard to accept .. and I was also disappointed that my daughter didn't support me .... when she'd asked me to help her out in the first place!!! Needless to say, I was overruled and my granddaughter was allowed to stay home on her own.

Seems if anyone must be labeled 'rude' your daughter is 'rude' as she didn't uphold her plan with you, your GD was not rude (in your explanation). You had a daughter problem, perhaps work on that?

I have just returned to this thread and i see the issue is not particularly rudeness, but defiance on the part of the granddaughter. Whether or not she is safe to be left alone aged 11 I could not say, not knowing her, but her mother, having first asked her grandmother to look after her, then deliberately undermined her authority.
Then she will be astonished when this child repeatedly refuses to do as she is told, and it will all be blamed on broken relationships, hormones, lack of love, being a teenager, no Surestart, the school, etc etc instead of simply due to, as it was so inelegantly but truthfully, described, 'crap parenting.'
My sympathy for NannySue.

Looking back, I wasn't a particularly polite teenager. I was focused on myself and did not think about others very much. I now have a teenage GS who was quite rude to me when he was about 11. I sat him down and explained about hurt feelings - that there is more than one way to hurt somebody and that he had hurt my feelings. He understood and was different after that. Now sometimes he is grumpy (but not rude) and I know he is tired after school as I often see him yawning. What he wants to do is sit in his room and chill out. To youngsters we are old people to whom they can't always feel they can relate. Please don't take anything personally as their young lives change all the time.

NannySue45

My daughter asked me to look after granddaughter when she was working. My granddaughter said in no uncertain terms that she was NOT coming to my house but staying home on her own. I tried to explain that she didn't decide .... so we fell out. She then called my daughter .... who said let her do what she wants 😬😬
I find this hard to accept .. and I was also disappointed that my daughter didn't support me .... when she'd asked me to help her out in the first place!!! Needless to say, I was overruled and my granddaughter was allowed to stay home on her own.

To be honest I think telling her that she "doesn't decide" wasnt helpful. She is 11 years old, has a mind of her own and getting more independent and stating her wishes and having them arbitrarily dismissed.

Saying that as her mum had asked you to look after her then really they needed to discuss this and you would fit in with whatever her mum and she decided might have been more acknowledging that she has a right to an opinion! Ringing her mum and explaining, then giving phone to GD would have avoided you in being "undermined".. the decision is theirs/between them/ your daughters!

Did you feel she was rude because she disagreed/disobeyed you? Or was it her manner and tone? There is a difference.

Hope you can sort things out

It sounds to me (given the further info) that someone (grandmother) was asked to look after a child and agrees to do it and then the child won't easily cooperate so the mother, (who wanted the child looking after) instead of saying to the child "this is what's we agreed would happen today" and then negotiating... "please go for an hour to your grandmother's" simply changed her mind under pressure from the child.

I think this is poor parenting- either the mum thinks the child is old enough to stay home alone or she doesn't. She seems to not negotiate with the child or her mother.

It's very unfair that the person doing the favour is the one "in the wrong" here.

I suspect the child was not involved in the discussion about her care that day and was very cross to simply be "told" with no space for discussion.
They may have been happy to stay home with a "you must speak to Granny when you're up and dressed" or "you can stay home but have lunch with Granny" or whatever.

Not very good to have the rug pulled out when trying to enforce what Mum wanted.

it sounds like you need to work on this relationship so that you are a person she does want to spend time with

Happy for it to be resolved flappergirl.
I thank you for the you would have liked to send .

silverlining48

I have just read your post flappergirl and don’t understand why you thought I was referring to you, I wasn’t, so all I can do is send

Thank you silverlining48. I thought the comment was directed at me as it was directly underneath mine. I really do apologise for my response. I would return the compliment of flowers but alas I don't know how to on the new Mac desktop I'm using. A poor workman blames his tools and all that!

I have just read your post flappergirl and don’t understand why you thought I was referring to you, I wasn’t, so all I can do is send

My response was not directed at anyone in particular and it was certainly not meant to be rude to flapper girl but was more to the requests to the OP to have the girls rudeness defined which I didn’t think necessary and was trying to support her privacy. We all understand rudeness and in life or on here I am not knowingly ever rude to anyone.

It sounds to me as if this child’s life has been disrupted lately with her father going from the family life and a new partner brought in
We know no details about the old or new relationship but it very much sounds as if the grandaughter is trying to assert some of her own boundaries and perhaps kick out because of her own helplessness

I totally agree that 11 is too young to be home alone for long periods of time but we have had no information as to whether it was for 3 hours or 8 hours

The drip feed of information has been very limited
and I think Nannasue has taken whatever has happened personally which isn’t useful, her disagreement should be with her daughter not her granddaughter.The grandaughter is trying in the only way she knows, to claw back some kind of stability

There is no reason for any grandchild to be rude regardless of their age it just goes to show how poor parenting has encouraged this type of behaviour and I’m afraid it’s just gotten worse for many children these past years

I was wondering why the mum never says anything about the rudeness. Not so much the rudeness itself, as you say, she is 11 and her parents have split up so probably pretty normal in some ways. Maybe Mum is feeling a bit lost and doesn’t want to pick a fight with her daughter- or maybe she is scared to?

Brutal as Mumsnet can be, I think the general consensus there would be that 11 years old is too young to be left alone while Mum works.
I agree the GD is getting mixed messages from the adults in her life when consistency is crucial. I should think the little girl is feeling pretty lost.

As described above it seems your granddaughter was perhaps more assertive than rude.

However, I do think that when a child’s life is in upheaval that consistent behaviour from close adults can be beneficial - especially in regard to not tolerating unacceptable behaviour. It can be reassuring to a child when their parents are divorcing for instance, if grandparents maintain the same rules and expectations as usual.

Your gd was not rude in this case

Even her mom backed up her decision.

What other examples do you have?

Callistemon21

😲
I don't really think silverlining deserved that response, flappergirl!

I try to be kind when posting on forums and only ask measured questions, as I did on this occasion. I therefore thought silverlining's response was unnecessarily sharp. Her comment took me by surprise and, I felt, made me look rather daft.

Ironically I came here from Mumsnet which has become increasingly brutal. I am also now of State Pension age so I thought it was a better fit!

The last thing I want to do is cause offence, but I do think her response was not really on.

Cold

NannySue45

My daughter asked me to look after granddaughter when she was working. My granddaughter said in no uncertain terms that she was NOT coming to my house but staying home on her own. I tried to explain that she didn't decide .... so we fell out. She then called my daughter .... who said let her do what she wants 😬😬
I find this hard to accept .. and I was also disappointed that my daughter didn't support me .... when she'd asked me to help her out in the first place!!! Needless to say, I was overruled and my granddaughter was allowed to stay home on her own.

To be honest this sounds like a silly spat on all sides and I couldn't really get worked up about it. Surely most 11 year olds are capable of being home a while on their own?

It sounds like this girl is fed up with the adults making demands and decisions that impact severely on her life (divorce, new boyfriend) and she is trying to exert a little control over her life while dealing with puberty. You were the final straw and her mum (quite wisely) thought it best to allow her some space whereas you doubled down with the "do as I say approach".

NannySue45 I can completely understand your annoyance at this situation. Your daughter asked you to give up your time to care for her child and you found yourself looking like the villain.

It is however not the child's fault. At that age it is quite usual for young people to reject the notion of being "babysat" and it is a source of rows and contention in many a household.

It also sounds as though her home life is rather unsettled which certainly doesn't help matters.

I think your disagreement is with your daughter who very much landed you in it, asking you to mind a child who didn't want to be minded, and then siding with the child against you. Your GD is getting mixed messages. When children get mixed messages from the adults around them they behave badly. You need a discussion with your daughter. It's fine for you to set standards but if she undermines you then it does the child no good at all. You may just have to accept that your daughter isn't going to back you up and you can't make rules without her support.

Sullen grandaughter usually spoilt like mine. I ignore her rudeness but it does bother me.

Whats rude about an 11 year old saying they don’t need babysitting (she may she may not) but her mum obviously trusts she’s old enough and sensible enough
That doesn’t sound rude it sounds a kid wanting to show her independence

Has anyone suggested child abuse? But you described a child growing up in an emotionally challenging home and who sounds upset and insecure, she needs to know when aspects of her behaviour are unacceptable - and rudeness to you is that, but as Verbena says you need to shower her with attention and affection otherwise.

My instinct would be to ignore the rudeness and shower her with attention and affection otherwise. Chat about silly and everyday stuff, to keep the lines of communication open - in case she has something bigger she wants to talk about.