other grandparents

So many sad stories

montymops

Good advice from many and from AGAA4. As a family historian however, I strongly believe that a family tree should be accurate. Otherwise, it is not a truthful representation of a family. This is not a good example to set to children.

Completely off topic, for you, how do adopted children fit in? On the tree? Off? Is the tree blood or family

I am putting cards and small gifts in a box to be given to the grandchildren, if they ever find out about me and seek me out, or on my demise. At least they will, hopefully, know they have another grandmother who loved them, despite never being allowed see me.
I was going to put an explanation here about why I think (know) I am being treated do poorly, but it will take too long.
All you can do is be there, keep the contact going through cards and letters if you don't get to see the grandchildren very often.

My daughter cut me off 17 years ago ...only discovered from research online she is married and has one son ... and several photos of her and her in laws ,,,,despite me trying to contact her over the years to ask why ...no answer .....it was simply very very sudden ....friendly one day, came for holidays etc etc (we lived in Spain) gave her part of my inheritance from my late dad ...bought her a car, paid for five years at Uni ..paid most of her rent so she didnt have to have a student loan ....not concerned about the money, we all give our children what we are able, but I am at a loss to know why .....no arguments, nothing ....asked if she could come on holiday the next year...said fine ! pick you up as usual, pay the air fare ....usually texted once a week (busy student !)...hear nothing for three weeks ....texted to say hope all is ok ...message back @ STOP texting me ! and that was that ! Since I found her, I send cards etc etc .....nothing ! I did bump into an old school friend of hers (she is now 43) ...who was amazed ! She said she thought I was dead !!!! So I think that is what she has told everybody ! really odd !

I am a step GP so do understand it's a slightly different dynamic . Our GS definitely sees alot more of the maternal GPs since they moved nearby. Which is especially annoying since we looked after GSs 2 or 3 afternoons a week before the other GPs were near . Basically you just have to suck it up what else can you do ? There would be no harm in making a light hearted remark such as ooo has our Branch broken off ! - but it would have to be done at the time . And keep it light ! I just wanted you to know that others are in a similar position. So we do understand.

I totally understand this, 2 of my granddaughters have more of a relationship with their maternal grandparents, I except this, times I find it hard but I do except it..
Times like when school asked for family pictures.. Yep none of paternal GP.. I shed an internal tear or two but let it pass as I can't bear thought of upsetting the apple cart and not seeing my GC.

Below, pulled from a post, shows people all think differently.

I do not get invited to anything at her mother and stepfather home

-- Of course not, they have divided their responsibilities, dil is responsible for her family and your Son is responsible for his family.

My son goes along with his wife. He is brainwashed. I call, text, and never once have I got a response from my daughter in law.

-- Call Your son, text Your Son. He is your link with his family.

There is no way I can get in touch with my grandson unless she let's him call me on her phone.

-- Does Your Son not have a phone which he can allow His son to use?

don't get upset, my grandsons get to see more of their paternal grandparents than me but that doesn't make any difference to my relationships with them or their mother. With regard to the 'family' tree, why not make a light-hearted remark such as 'where am I - Mummy wasn't found in lost luggage you know!'

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Some really good advice. I think I'm very much like Milly12. I also agree that I'm only getting one side of the picture and maybe there is something else going on with my daughter's in-laws. I do feel the need to detach and get on with my own life and be myself. The children are still at the age where their parents are running the show, but that won't always be the case.

Sorry, I meant Kowl not Kowloon. Lol

I took my 5 yr. old Grandson to see Santa's elevator in November and my daughter in law and son have kept him from me ever since. I thought I was doing a nice thing because he and I were always together and have a great bond. I am his Nana. She and her mother are both jealous of that and the two of them have always been a tag team. manipulative, controlling, etc. I have been walking on eggshells with my daughter in law for 12 yrs. and do not get invited to anything at her mothervand stepfather home. She and her mother have systematically pushed me out of everything and now this with my grandson. My son goes along with his wife. He is brainwashed. I call, text, and never once have I got a response from my daughter in law. There is no way I can get in touch with my grandson unless she let's him call me on her phone. I refuse to play their game. It is toxic and not good for me. Kowloon, I think what is being done to you is mean, cruel, and a form of elder abuse. I understand.

If both your daughter and grandchildren call you by your name and not Granny or Nana etc, could it be as simple as the teacher saying; 'put your brothers and sisters, Mum and Dad, and Granny and Grandpa on your family tree'?

Perhaps your grandson hasn't realised that means you as well, just because young children are very literal and he calls you 'Alison' or 'Kathryn' etc?

I think perseverance are key!
I felt very excluded when my son’s children were little but as they got older it has evened out and they now spend as much time with us as they do with my daughter-in -laws’s parents. I just think we weren’t as welcoming as the other grandparents and it has taken us time to become confident with them. We are just not as sociable and “child friendly” as the other grandparents! Personally I think I am just better with older children! I have also looked carefully at advice given by grandsnetters which has been invaluable!

I’m a step-granny, I married my lovely step-daughter’s father when she was 12, almost 30 years ago. The divorce was very acrimonious, with both parties at fault, and she stayed with Mum and new husband and has two other half siblings.

She will not do joint family gatherings ever BUT always does two events for Christmas, his birthday and goes out of her way to include us, especially me, in most things, she has siblings from us and I had a son before we got together and they call each brother & sister, despite no biological link.

Her own mum died from breast cancer just a few years ago so now there are us, granny and Grampa, Granddad (her step father) and Nanny, her partners mother.

It’s a bit messy, but we’ve worked hard to make it work. This is our only grandchild thus far and have a good relationship which we treasure.

Dear Kowl, I can completely understand why you are so upset, quite understandable.

I’ve several times gone home feeling very upset after the other grandparents have yet again been given obvious preference. Sometimes it’s over something minor, like they are given first choice of what present to give for Christmas or a birthday. And other times it’s been that they are terribly grabby about holidays etc.

I’ve recently found out that both my stepdaughter and son in law find the other grandparents rather needy and don’t like the emotional blackmail that they get from them. Nevertheless, while I do try to put ‘my big girl pants on’ things do still occasionally upset me.

Those grandparents who are not in this position find it very difficult, I think, to understand. And sometimes, I’ve just been over thinking everything, and need to make sure that I don’t over react to something that wasn’t intended. Least said. Soonest mended, etc!

I’ve found some people here really very helpful, thank you. And Kowl, I hope you’ve been helped too. 🌷

Good advice from many and from AGAA4. As a family historian however, I strongly believe that a family tree should be accurate. Otherwise, it is not a truthful representation of a family. This is not a good example to set to children.

It can happen no matter what you do. I've backed off and I am getting on with my own life. They are busy and have found a way that suits them so that's okay. As long as they are happy I am happy. Life throws curves balls at you all the time and you have little or no control over it. Acceptance is very helpful.

Kowl

They call me by my name, same as my children do.

Thank you. My wondering was, if the teacher had used the word "grandparents," he wouldn't have made the connection? But then your daughter drew the tree...

Maybe Cold's explanation about being told only to do one side is the reason, though why the teacher would do that I don't know.
I would be annoyed upset in your position as well ☹️

You could just ask her in a joking manner what am I invisible lol my grandson just did one he had his other grandad and his partner his gran and her husband and me and my ex hubby I said to daughter inlaw I think he needs a bigger sheet of paper lol

My grandchildren are primary school age. My daughter had made the family tree and he had helped decorate it and fill in the names and photos.

They call me by my name, same as my children do.

Just wondering what the children call you Kowl?
Is it an obvious "granny" type name, or something more modern or obscure in meaning?

I think that comparing is always a path to dissatisfaction. Try not to focus on what the other gps are doing but enjoy your own time.

Will just add that when my DD did a family tree project at school around 15 years ago the instructions were to do one side of the family and since both my mother's SIL and my father's brother were keen genealogists the choice to do my side and not DH's was simple.

My daughter has always got on well with her step-father. I'm not like her mother-in-law at all, although we get on okay. She is far more granny-ish than me (if that makes any sense!). I agree that children need all their grandparents. Hopefully my grandchildren will grow up with independent views and we'll get on fine.

So many of my grandchildrens' parents are divorced, let alone their grandparents, that I find it a bit odd that you may have been left off the family tree in order to avoid any awkwardness regarding explanations/realisation. But you don't say how old your grandson is, so maybe he is not yet aware of different family circumstances amongst his friends.

I don't think you need to explain later on that they have two grandmothers - I am sure that is already self-evident as you do have a relationship with them and your daughter might see that as a heavy-handed interference where none is needed. I would just enjoy your grandchildren when you see them and don't compare yourself with the other grandparents. Just be happy that they are loved by both sides of the family. Having grown up with just one grandparent (who was very elderly when I was born and wasn't really bothered with me at all) I would have loved to have had two sides of the family to know and love.