other grandparents

Thinking about the family tree, it may be that they felt there could be awkward questions from your grandson, his friends, teachers etc. and were trying to avoid that until he is older. Thus it might have nothing to do with excluding you.

Why the parents behave so that you feel excluded I couldn't say. Usually it's the paternal grandparents who feel left out. Perhaps some discreet questioning of them would clarify things or make them realise that they're not being even-handed.

Why not just discuss this issue with your daughter?

I understand how you must have felt when you weren't on his tree Kowl but it's just one of those things we have to grin and bear. Not the child's fault at all.

Does your DD like her stepfather?
Perhaps the other DGP are easier somehow? Are there cousins to play together?

Would they holiday with you if you asked them?

My DD spends more time with her DH parents than with me. They are super DGP who build the DGC climbing frames, take them on fab holidays abroad and are younger and fitter than me.
Hang in there. Be yourself and try not to be hurt by these slights.

Thanks for replying. A friend said the same to me, that the family tree thing was maybe to avoid awkward questions. Maybe that's true. I thought only having one set of grandparents on the tree would raise questions though. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I couldn't stop crying driving home. I think my emotions are muddled up.

I know I would get really upset trying to discuss it with my daughter. I want to avoid that.

Yes, I agree. I have to just be myself. The children will make their own choices when they are older. Thanks.

It's always better to not think about what the other grandparents are doing. Just carry on seeing your grandchildren and they will know you as their grandmother whatever is happening with the others. I know being missed off the family tree must have been hurtful but let it go as not the children's fault.
Please don't give up on them. Children need all their grandparents.

That is very good advice.

I can't see what these supposed "awkward questions" could be Kowl. You divorced your D's father 20 years ago, she has no contact with him so he is a grand father that your grandson has never met.

Does he call you nana/grandma/grandmother/granny? If he does then why not include you in the family tree? Maybe a conversation with your D would be an idea.

Perhaps as she is estranged from her father the grandchildren don’t know him and therefore she didn’t want to include him on the tree and have them ask a lot of questions or have people at school ask grandchild about him
And then not be able to answer? I don’t know just trying to think is what could have had the tree end up the way it did. I’m sure it hurt but I’d try to let it go. You weren’t intended to see it and did so perhaps not meant to be hurtful. As for the rest, if you’re still seeing your daughter and her family I’d try to let that go too. Resentment is born of keeping tabs so I’d concentrate my efforts on not worrying over how often and what they do when they see the other grandparents. It has no real bearing on you does it? Continue to show up for and see your daughter and her children and have the relationship you have. I think we are so want to make grand parenting a competitive arena of “it’s not fair”. But really , all this does is cause trouble , largely for ourselves. As we all surely told our children, life isn’t fair is it? So all we can do is take what we have and make the most of it. Grandchildren can have a lovely relationship with both sides - and those relationships can still look very different and still be lovely both

Kowl

I know I would get really upset trying to discuss it with my daughter. I want to avoid that.

There is your answer - leave it alone.

Matters not who is on a school paper, surely?

I recall being entirely ignored by one GC for a couple of years, back to normal as it is with children. They're strange at times.

It’s very awkward. My grandchildren, except the 2 oldest (21 &22) , are very close to their maternal grandparents. They are younger than me, do a lot of things with the children, so I understand the close bond they have developed. I am older and happy to take a back seat. Also, happy that they get so much love from everyone. That’s something my 3 didn’t have, because all the grandparents were in a different country. I think they really missed out - sad, but couldn’t be helped.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

So many of my grandchildrens' parents are divorced, let alone their grandparents, that I find it a bit odd that you may have been left off the family tree in order to avoid any awkwardness regarding explanations/realisation. But you don't say how old your grandson is, so maybe he is not yet aware of different family circumstances amongst his friends.

I don't think you need to explain later on that they have two grandmothers - I am sure that is already self-evident as you do have a relationship with them and your daughter might see that as a heavy-handed interference where none is needed. I would just enjoy your grandchildren when you see them and don't compare yourself with the other grandparents. Just be happy that they are loved by both sides of the family. Having grown up with just one grandparent (who was very elderly when I was born and wasn't really bothered with me at all) I would have loved to have had two sides of the family to know and love.

My daughter has always got on well with her step-father. I'm not like her mother-in-law at all, although we get on okay. She is far more granny-ish than me (if that makes any sense!). I agree that children need all their grandparents. Hopefully my grandchildren will grow up with independent views and we'll get on fine.

I think that comparing is always a path to dissatisfaction. Try not to focus on what the other gps are doing but enjoy your own time.

Will just add that when my DD did a family tree project at school around 15 years ago the instructions were to do one side of the family and since both my mother's SIL and my father's brother were keen genealogists the choice to do my side and not DH's was simple.

Just wondering what the children call you Kowl?
Is it an obvious "granny" type name, or something more modern or obscure in meaning?

They call me by my name, same as my children do.

My grandchildren are primary school age. My daughter had made the family tree and he had helped decorate it and fill in the names and photos.

You could just ask her in a joking manner what am I invisible lol my grandson just did one he had his other grandad and his partner his gran and her husband and me and my ex hubby I said to daughter inlaw I think he needs a bigger sheet of paper lol

Kowl

They call me by my name, same as my children do.

Thank you. My wondering was, if the teacher had used the word "grandparents," he wouldn't have made the connection? But then your daughter drew the tree...

Maybe Cold's explanation about being told only to do one side is the reason, though why the teacher would do that I don't know.
I would be annoyed upset in your position as well ☹️

It can happen no matter what you do. I've backed off and I am getting on with my own life. They are busy and have found a way that suits them so that's okay. As long as they are happy I am happy. Life throws curves balls at you all the time and you have little or no control over it. Acceptance is very helpful.

Good advice from many and from AGAA4. As a family historian however, I strongly believe that a family tree should be accurate. Otherwise, it is not a truthful representation of a family. This is not a good example to set to children.

Dear Kowl, I can completely understand why you are so upset, quite understandable.

I’ve several times gone home feeling very upset after the other grandparents have yet again been given obvious preference. Sometimes it’s over something minor, like they are given first choice of what present to give for Christmas or a birthday. And other times it’s been that they are terribly grabby about holidays etc.

I’ve recently found out that both my stepdaughter and son in law find the other grandparents rather needy and don’t like the emotional blackmail that they get from them. Nevertheless, while I do try to put ‘my big girl pants on’ things do still occasionally upset me.

Those grandparents who are not in this position find it very difficult, I think, to understand. And sometimes, I’ve just been over thinking everything, and need to make sure that I don’t over react to something that wasn’t intended. Least said. Soonest mended, etc!

I’ve found some people here really very helpful, thank you. And Kowl, I hope you’ve been helped too. 🌷