New Paternal GP looking for advice

Daultsmom - I have 2 daughters-in-law, who are extremely close to their mothers. One d.i.l. chose to have her mother in the delivery room. The other didn’t. I have a daughter, but we decided, that her husband would be the only one in the delivery room. Suited me fine, as I am an anxious type.
Just be happy that you have been included in almost everything.
As someone said, it’s a competition that m.i.ls will never win. So no point joining the race…..

Daultsmom be grateful that your DiL has a very loving mum and she has accepted you as she has asked you to mind your GC. They seem to be a loving friendly family who have made you feel welcome.
If your problems are issues with your relationship with your own mother you need to work through this maybe with a therapist.
You have been handed a golden ticket. Don't let jealousy spoil what you have

Daultsmom you could very well be right- seeing a mother and daughter having such a close relationship may very well have made you feel uncomfortable and upset about your lack of closeness with your own mother. At least you are trying to rationalise your feelings, which can only be a good thing. As suggested, maybe some counselling would help you work through your emotions.

Please please Daultsmom be careful. Everyone is trying to include you. Don’t spoil it. Most girls are closer to their mums. It’s just the way it is. Going forward they want you included in childcare. Look forward to that and banish that green eyed monster that wants to ruin everything. You seem well loved. Lucky you.

It's good that you realise that your expectations in all this are unreasonable and you just want help in how to manage your expectations. I would probably suggest therapy.

What you need to remember is that DIL's mother has been her mother for her entire life, she has raised her, wiped her tears, been her biggest cheerleader - it makes sense that, when navigating motherhood, she would go to the most trusted woman in her life. Whereas your grandchild is DIL's baby, DIL is her mother's baby. Re the delivery room, that's lovely that they let you be at the hospital and go in right after the birth.

I am not a Gran but I am an older mum myself (44 with a 15 month old and a 6 day old newborn) and while I would be happy to have my own mum with me whilst delivering, I wouldn't want anyone else's mum there because labour is not a spectator sport - I can't imagine being pretty much naked, writhing round in pain, likely emptying my bowels with all my bits and pieces on show in front of someone else's mother (I would be mortified!)

As for taking clothes off the baby to feed, the midwives on the ward I was on were suggesting this and doing this so it's not wrong to do so.

Reach out for therapy to help you navigate through this because it sounds like the new parents are being extremely accommodating with you but you are never going to compete with or match the relationship DIL has with her own mum, the 2 relationships are completely different.

I can’t count the times that I’ve read on GN that MIL’s don’t get a look in with their new grandchildren. You are being included in every way possible with yours. Be grateful and happy that you’re being given a wonderful chance to be a loving gran. Your DIL sounds lovely, as does her mother. Absolutely no need for jealousy at all.
Congratulations on becoming a grandmother.

You say you don’t want to make it a competition, yet you are by score keeping. Her mother was in the labour room. Her mother touching the baby. Her mother undressing baby. Her mother there when you’re visiting.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Keeping score, what you get vs her mother isn’t going to make you happy. You’re two different people, who raised two different children, and have different relationships: one with your child, one with their spouse.

Be glad of what you have and let the rest go.

Thanks again to all for your comments and yes, I have set up therapy. I KNOW this is MY issue to deal with and am so grateful to my sons in-laws and my son and DIL for including me in their lives!
I wouldn't have wanted to have anyone other than my husband in the delivery room with the birth of our son. I do completely understand that position.
I've been reflecting on all of the comments to me and have been really trying to beat off that green eyed monster. I am truly ashamed of these feelings. I'm actually seeing my own mother's behaviours coming out in me, something that I've tried my entire life not to allow...
I guess I never imagined the emotions that would come out at such a joyous time in my life. I have a wonderful son, DIL and now week old grandson and am looking very forward to the memories all of us make.
Blessings to all!

Just be grateful that they have included you in everything. It seems to me that you are jealous of your daughter's mum because she was in the delivery room, (to be honest, the only person I would want in the delivery room with me is my husband). It does seem that your daughters mother is a bit clingy but that is not for you to get involved with. You will be taking care of your grandson when your daughter in law goes back to work so you will be able to build a special bond with him.

They have done their utmost to make you a big part of all this, including your boyfriend so just suck it up and get on with it.

Comparison is the thief of joy
Yes, try not to compare your relationship with your own mother to that of your lovely daughter-in-law and hers. Don't try to be her mum.
Acknowledge that you were less fortunate with your own mum of course - and then focus on being a truly great mother-in-law and grandmother.

When you are focused on being truly great can you maybe step back a little and give them a day off? By all means call but tell them you realise they need time for them as a new little family - stay away for a wee while - this is indeed would be a gift of love.

MercuryQueen,
You are correct. I was/am doing that. Something you all helped me realize...I didn't want to and I don't want this time in their lives to steal anyone's joy.
This is their time! Their time to enjoy their family. You all helped me realize that I was making this about me. Again, a trait that I'm not happy about...
I am very thankful that my son has a MIL that loves him so much!
As mentioned in my previous post, I have set up therapy and want nothing but the best for my son, DIL and grandson.
I stayed away the last 2 days. Stayed in contact with my son, making sure everyone is doing fine and letting him know I'm here for them if they need anything.
Thanks again to all of you!

I meant to add "congratulations" to you.
This new little joy in your life is indeed a blessing.
I think you know a lot of this jealousy is unnecessary and maybe speaks to something you suddenly see as missing in your own life. Be kinder to yourself. You are obviously a kind and loving person and currently feel overwhelmed.

Count those many blessings and live a little lighter.

Thinking of you.

Daultsmom glad you found help herr and well done for taking the on the comments,.it’d not easy to be criticised by others but you took it on the chin and I am sure you will get through this and count your blessings,
Jealousy is a horrible thing, it eats away at joy. Dont let it win.
Congratulations on your new grandchild, enjoy it all.

Congratulations and the birth of your grandchild!

Sounds like you’ve gotten a lot of great advice and you’ve been remarkably receptive to it. That takes a big person! And well done setting up therapy!

On a side note, I just wanted to confirm that undressing baby if they are sleepy while feeding is 100% the standard advice now from lactation consultants, doctors and nurses. I can see how it could seem unkind, but it’s to ensure they get enough calories (and to encourage supply, in the case of nursing).

Gosh I lived through an era where no one was allowed in the delivery room even husbands and I couldn’t handle people around me I know it’s different now but if I had my time again I would have the babies dad only or if he wasn’t around my mum certainly not an in law audience

Thank goodness you ve realised its you with the problem and are seeking help takes a big person to admit to that so well done
Please please please don’t swamp the little guy even if invited he’s not a doll and not born to give you happiness Be normal with him or if this continues (from both sides) as a older child he ll either be terribly spoilt and unable to act alone or he ll turn away from you all….. it all sounds terribly over the top

Just to say that I do admire you Daultsmom for taking on board the sound advice that has been given here. It takes a strong person to realise that their views have not been correct and to also admit it. I wish you a very happy time with your close family. 💐

The birth of a grandchild is an emotional time and stirs up lots of feelings - not least of being old!

I think you must make yourself concentrate on all the good things - every time you feel jealous, think about one moment of joy with your GC and focus on that. Don't waste this lovely time feeling rubbish!!

BlueBelle my father-in-law was present at my husband's birth in a London teaching hospital.
It was in the 1950s. I don't know when this started though.

I had my children in the mid 70 s and it was just starting to be acceptable for fathers to be present. My dh was but he had to ask them if that was ok. Most fathers weren’t present but sat outside waiting and calming nerves by smoking.! !

I think you are going through a period of adjustment. A lot has gone on for you in 3 years and your new GS is another change. You need to relax, accept that these changes are difficult to cope with and allow yourself time to take it all in. Your baby GS is going to grow so quickly. He obviously has an extended family which is loving and caring for him and for you. He's a lucky boy. Work through your negative feelings, be loving to those around you and do your best for your family. In the end that is all you can do.

Silverlining48
I'm in the US and was born in '68. My mother used to tell me stories that after my birth, the hospitals in my area allowed smoking in her room, while she held me! Yikes!

Your mum would have been able to smoke too. Smoking was everywhere. In hospitals patients smoked in bed or waiting rooms, visiting friends and family too, cinemas, theatres, public transport, restaurants, pubs. Everywhere.
Almost everyone smoked, non smokers were in a tiny minority.
It’s now completely reversed with smokers in the minority, thank goodness! Though when visiting Europe there are still plenty of smokers. It’s a dangerous and expensive habit.

Daultsmom Am talking about here in the UK

How are things?

Hi Silverlining,
I've been staying away, but in contact with Son and DIL, had some appointments early last week and then I tested positive for covid on Friday. It's given me some time to reflect on my feelings and also recuperation time for my body. Adhering to all of the CDC guidelines and getting rest.
Thank you for asking!